The Ear Torture Continues

Remember when I said 7 seconds ago that I care about the well-being of your ears? I said a lie. Because if I had any respect or love for your sense of hearing, I wouldn’t expose it to this eardrum-burning, dead baby hooker shit from Manufactured Superstars featuring stumbling bag of queefs Wonky McValtrex.

In that monotone, soulless, slut toddler voice of hers, Parasite educates us about the new phenomenon (for 1999) called drunk texting. Just like her “career,” sex tape and insides, this mess has a pulse rate of zero. This is like Meeting In The Ladies Room if Meeting In The Ladies Room got the life beat out of it with a flip phone and was left for dead in the alleyway behind a has-been club. To quote the poetic Klymaxx: “I had to leave my condo to come to this?!” If I tried to drunk text this song to anyone, my iPhone would auto-correct it to read: STOP!

I know you hate me, because after listening to that virus of a song, you now have deflated anal warts inside of your ear holes. Maybe this dose of musical antibiotics from a real star will stop the stinging a bit.

UPDATE: Wonky’s black hole ate the EwTube above, but if you really hate yourself you can click here to listen to it.

via Idolator

Ke¢ha Must Be Back In The Studio

Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question “How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?” was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums.

Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha’s next album. If it’s coke, you’re going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it’s TUMS, you’re going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit!

via ONTD

JWoww’s Bikini Line Is A Thing Of Sophistication

JWoww, the Audrey Hepburn of the Jersey Shore whores, is known as being a pristine pearl that fell out of an an empty bottle of Thunderbird at the bottom of the Atlantic Ocean many years ago and her new bikini line completely reflects that. Aren’t you staring at the triangle pasties hugging onto JWoww’s dried concrete titty balls and thinking to yourself that you too want to look like you’ve got suction cup nipples? No, you don’t? Well, that’s because you obviously don’t have an eye for the elegant things in life.

JWoww’s Perfect Tan Bikini Line uses an “innovative” silicone based adhesive that sticks to your silicone based titties and allows you to freely lay under the cancer beams without worrying about tan lines. Yes, when you rip that shit off, it’ll also rip off any feeling you had left in your nipples. But if you’re like JWoww, then you don’t have any feeling in your nipples anyway. And I’m sure JWoww bought this “innovative” sticky technology from a dude named Lizard in the parking lot of an abandoned strip club on Staten Island, so it will most likely seep into your pores and cause your nipples to foam at the mouth, but that’s a small price to pay to look this exquisite.

And I don’t know if they broke every computer from Photoshopping the shit out of JWoww, or if she just naturally looks an extra in a CGI porn.

Unsolved Mysteries: Why Was A Top Model All-Star Disqualified?

(Read this entire post in Robert Stack’s voice if you need some added dramatic intrigue in your life this morning.) Tyra Banks owes everybody who sat through endless hours of America’s Next Top Model Not-At-All-Stars a refund for explaining absolutely nothing in that slow-motion car crash of a finale. It was down to Angelea, the 716 beauty who was my personal favorite (because she works in a bank which makes her professional), Allison, the albino meerkat and Lisa who was probably the inspiration for the character of Kit De Luca in Pretty Woman.

The episode went through the usual motions. They had a CoverGirl photo shoot where Allison looked like Jessica Alba seeing for the first time (yes, I sat through The Eye and I’m not proud of it). Then they had the final runway show in Greece which had the production values of the Miss Eternia beauty pageant I held on my garage floor when I was a kid (Catra won every time). At this point, they were supposed to cut to the judging panel in Greece and show us who won that shit. That didn’t happen. Instead, we were back in L.A. and Nigel explained that Angelea was disqualified, so they had to choose a winner between Lisa and Allison. Lisa (the 45-year-old Mob Wives reject on the left) won the CoverGrandma contract and the spread in Vogue Abuelita. The CW issued this statement shortly after the mess of a finale aired:

“After production wrapped on the current cycle of America’s Next Top Model, we learned information that made Angelea ineligible and she was subsequently disqualified from the competition. As a result, new scenes were filmed to address this for the audience during the finale.”

It’s obvious that Angelea won and due to reasons unknown (MYSTERY!!!), her crown was snatched away and given to the runner-up. There’s rumors on Twitter that Angelea violated the show’s rules by bragging about her victory on Facebook shortly after the season started airing. But Rich at FourFour, my sage when it comes to all things Top Model, thinks something in the milk ain’t clean. There’s no evidence that Angela leaked the final 3 and he thinks if that was the case, Tyra would’ve humiliated that bitch on camera for ratings. I don’t know what to believe. But I do believe that Angelea doesn’t need that stupid shit. Angelea is going places (one of those places being her pied-à-terre in Port Authority).

Besides, in the insane asylum in Tyra’s head, she doesn’t see Angelea or Lisa as the winner of America’s Next Top Model All-Stars. Tyra sees TYRA as the ultimate All-Star.

Conclusion: Brett Ratner Has A Tiny Dick And Banged Olivia Munn Once

Olivia Munn wrote a book once called Suck It, Wonder Woman!: The Misadventures Of A Hollywood Geek and in it she confessed that when she first came to Hollywood she bumped wet parts with a major movie director who’s as hung as a baby flamingo flower and who regularly jacked his mouse dick while eating shrimp. (Mental note: shrimp oil is now a lube substitute). Cut to last night’s episode of Attack of Show, which Olivia used to be on. Brett Ratner, director of such cinematic masterpieces as Rush Hour 3 and The Family Man, was on and the show’s host Kevin Pereira brought up the rumor that Brett is the director Olivia threw shade, cocktail sauce and a penis pump at in her book. Brett admitted that it is him, but he wanted to make it clear that the only shrimp around when he’s fapping is his dick. Brett then blasted at Olivia by saying she’s only Asian when the role calls for it.

“I used to date Olivia Munn, I’ll be honest with everyone here. But when she was ‘Lisa.’ She wasn’t Asian back then. She was hanging out on my set of After the Sunset, I banged her a few times, but I forgot her. Because she changed her name. I didn’t know it was the same person and so when she auditioned for me for a TV show, I forgot her, she got pissed off, and so she made up all these stories about me eating shrimp and masturbating in my trailer. And she talked about my shortcomings.”

Note that he’s not even trying to defend that “shortcomings” shit.

Brett Ratner is a grade A piece of soiled clit lint who probably considers his vast Adidas flip-flops collection as his greatest achievement and who shouts shit like “Take all of daddy’s big dick, bitch!” at his piece when she puts all of it in her mouth while clenching her teeth out of shame at the same time. I fully believe that Brett has a dick that doesn’t even clear the gums and I also believe that his nasty bloated ass likes his masturbation sessions surf and turf-style. If you’re going to squeeze your dick while eating seafood, at least be classy about it and go with lobster instead of shrimp. I bet his trailer smells like a Sizzler kitchen sink at the end of dinner service.

On the other hand, I have more of an opinion on this sludge at the bottom of my coffee cup than I do of Olivia Munn. But from what I’ve read, she’s the eve that belongs to Summer. So hopefully these two end up together in the end, because they sound like a match made in cunt cleaner heaven.

“I Am Shit-Ra, Princess Of Herpes!”

Putting the whore in Whore-O-Ween, Wonky McValtrex showed up to some stupid party in L.A. last night dressed in costume as one of my childhood heroes, She-Ra. Seeing this useless piece of dried pussy vomit as the most beautiful and strongest goddess in Eternia should make me punch out my eye until it’s as wonky as hers, but it doesn’t. That cheap ass costume looks like it cost about $2.99, which is $2.98 more than that gutter-snatched dildo is worth, and so most hos probably didn’t even see She-Ra in this at all. Bitch looks more like Alice the Goon working as a cocktail waitress at a Caesars Palace knock-off casino on the outskirts of Reno where the drinks are cheap and so are the handjobs behind the broken slot machine in the back.

The fact that Wonky thinks she can pull off She-Ra is as funny as the fact that her purse probably cost $2,000 and looks like it was a budget special at Claire’s. Everything that cheap whore touches turns to cheap. Breaking news.