Who am I kidding? Unless it’s a statue of a little naked gold man covering his junk with a sword, that award is going straight in the trash. No, I’m sure Leonardo DiCaprio was very happy to win his very first BAFTA this weekend. After all, it gave him an opportunity to practice his “OMG really? Me?” face for the Oscars.
So, as if you couldn’t have already guessed by all your grizzly bear friends going crazy on your Facebook timeline last night, The Revenant won a whole mess of BAFTAs. Cold Sad Leo took home the award for Best Picture, Best Director, Best Cinematography, Best Sound, but most importantly, Best Actor for Leo. This is also the closest Leo has gotten to winning all five of the most important acting awards. I swear to god, if for some reason Leo doesn’t win Best Actor at the Academy Awards and it turns out that this awards season has been one long Carrie-style prank, then everybody in the Dolby Theatre better say goodbye to their loved ones, because Leo will set them all on fire with his mind.
But something even more exciting than winning an award happened to Leo last night. That’s right, he got to kiss on Dame Maggie Smith!
I was chasing the Tylenol lizard last night (aka I was sick), so I didn’t watch the BAFTAs. But it looks like I clearly should have. I didn’t know they got all horny and made out at these things. If the Oscars wants people to stick around and watch all 1,824 hours of that shit, they should really borrow from the BAFTAs and throw in a mid-show make-out break. And if they really want those Nielsen ratings, they could change it from kissing to full-on fucking. “Sure, whatever it takes to get that Oscar” said Leo, as he mentally prepared to fuck the middle-aged puppet from Anomalisa.
Here’s more of Leo with his Valentine (an award) in the BAFTAs press room with a teeny-tiny Tom Cruise and the angel that has made all his award season dreams come true, Alejandro Iñárritu.