Once a-fuckin-gain, True Blood has been screwed over (not and in a sexy way)! Last year, the Golden Globes gave True Blood a big slice of FU pie and now the Emmy whores have served up a second piece.

The Emmy nominations were announced this morning and True Blood failed to get nominated in any of the major categories. Who does a bitch have to glamour in order to get at least one big nomination?! Even Lafayette’s nalgas should have been nominated. I mean, they probably gave a better performance than William Shatner and his pepaw ass got nominated AGAIN for Boston Legal. They even overlooked Randi Sue from True Blood and that trick got effed in an alleyway while Tara poured trash all over her head. It was a truly inspired performance!

I’ll have to work on a letter to all Emmy voters asking them why they are prejudiced against vampires…..and hot whores who get dicked in alleyways. Breeeeeathe. Anyway….

The Family Guy got nominated for Outstanding Comedy Series making it the first cartoon since The Flinstones to get a nomination. Lisa Simpson is giving the meanest shank-eye ever.

In prettier Emmy news, 30 Rock got the most nominations with 22. And Katherine HAGel was not nominated even through she tried to bring the raw emotion in a big way. HA. HA. HA. and HA. Unfortunately, the Emmys don’t have a”Worst Annoying Hagface Who is Made Entirely of Nicotine” category, because Hagel would be a shoo-in for that one (GONG!).

A list of some of the major nominations is after the jump. Click here to see a full list. JUMP!!!

Outstanding Comedy Series
30 Rock
Entourage
Family Guy
Flight Of The Conchords
How I Met Your Mother
The Office
Weeds

Outstanding Drama Series
Big Love
Breaking Bad
Damages
Dexter
House
Lost
Mad Men

Outstanding Guest Actor In A Comedy Series
Steve Martin – 30 Rock
Jon Hamm – 30 Rock
Alan Alda – 30 Rock
Beau Bridges – Desperate Housewives
Justin Timberlake – Saturday Night Live

Outstanding Guest Actor In A Drama Series
Edward Asner – CSI: NY
Ted Danson – Damages
Jimmy Smits – Dexter
Ernest Borgnine – ER
Michael J. Fox – Rescue Me

Outstanding Guest Actress In A Comedy Series
Jennifer Aniston – 30 Rock
Elaine Stritch – 30 Rock
Gena Rowlands – Monk
Betty White – My Name Is Earl
Tina Fey – Saturday Night Live
Christine Baranski – The Big Bang Theory

Outstanding Guest Actress In A Drama Series
Sharon Lawrence – Grey’s Anatomy
Ellen Burstyn – Law & Order: SVU
Brenda Blethyn – Law & Order: SVU
Carol Burnett – Law & Order: SVU
CCH Pounder – The No. 1 Ladies’ Detective Agency

Outstanding Host For A Reality Program
Ryan Seacrest – American Idol
Tom Bergeron – Dancing with the Stars
Heidi Klum – Project Runway
Jeff Probst – Survivor
Phil Keoghan – The Amazing Race
Padma Lakshmi & Tom Colicchio – Top Chef

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Comedy Series
Alec Baldwin – 30 Rock
Jemaine Clement – Flight of the Conchords
Tony Shalhoub – Monk
Jim Parsons – The Big Bang Theory
Steve Carell – The Office
Charlie Sheen – Two and a Half Men

Outstanding Lead Actor In A Drama Series
Bryan Cranston – Breaking Bad
Michael C. Hall – Dexter
Hugh Laurie – House
Gabriel Byrne – In Treatment
Jon Hamm – Mad Men
Simon Baker – The Mentalist

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Comedy Series
Tina Fey – 30 Rock
Christina Applegate – Samantha Who?
Julia Louis-Dreyfus – The New Adventures of Old Christine
Sarah Silverman – The Sarah Silverman Program
Toni Collette – The United States of Tara
Mary-Louise Parker – Weeds

Outstanding Lead Actress In A Drama Series
Sally Field – Brothers & Sisters
Glenn Close – Damages
Mariska Hargitay – Law & Order: SVU
Elisabeth Moss – Mad Men
Holly Hunter – Saving Grace
Kyra Sedgwick – The Closer

Outstanding Reality – Competition Program
American Idol
Dancing With The Stars
Project Runway
The Amazing Race
Top Chef

Outstanding Reality Program
Antiques Roadshow
Dirty Jobs
Dog Whisperer
Intervention
Kathy Griffin: My Life on the D-List
MythBusters

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Comedy Series
Tracy Morgan – 30 Rock
Jack McBrayer – 30 Rock
Kevin Dillon – Entourage
Neil Patrick Harris – How I Met Your Mother
Rainn Wilson – The Office
Jon Cryer – Two And A Half Men

Outstanding Supporting Actor In A Drama Series
William Shatner, Boston Legal
Christian Clemenson – Breaking Bad
Aaron Paul – Damages
William Hurt – Damages
Michael Emerson – Lost
John Slattery – Mad Men

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Comedy Series
Jane Krakowski – 30 Rock
Kristin Chenoweth – Pushing Daisies
Amy Poehler – Saturday Night Live
Kristin Wiig – Saturday Night Live
Vanessa Williams – Ugly Betty
Elizabeth Perkins – Weeds

Outstanding Supporting Actress In A Drama Series
Cherry Jones – 24
Rose Byrne – Damages
Sandra Oh – Grey’s Anatomy
Chandra Wilson – Grey’s Anatomy
Dianne Wiest – In Treatment
Hope Davis – In Treatment

Access Hollywood says that the police were called to Mischa Barton’s house in L.A. yesterday afternoon to take her ass to a medical center because of a “medical emergency.” The police confirmed that they responded to a non-911 call from someone at Mischa’s house, but wouldn’t say where they took her.

You are not alone if your first thought was that bitch got a case of the “bad shit shakes” or that she choked on her own irrelevance. Apparently, the problem had to do with her teefs. A spokeswhore tells rPulse that Mischa’s wisdom teeth started giving her the hurts, so she had to go to the dentist. They broke that shit down and removed them from her mouth. They will now be displayed at The Meth Teefs Hall of Fame Museum in Fresno, CA.

Mischa asked the police to take her, because she can’t drive (due to that DUI issue last year) and also didn’t want the paparazzi following her. Yeah, the last part made one of my wisdom teeth throb, because it was laughing so hard. Can I get some Vicodin now?

UPDATE: A spokeswhore for the LAPD tells UsWeekly that they “removed” Mischa from her own home due to a medical emergency. They wouldn’t say if the medical emergency involved her teefs. When asked if Mischa went willingly, the rep said, “I guess.” A source also says that Mischa had some kind of “freak out.”

These pictures of Marky Mark on the set of The Fighter (the same movie Christian Bale is fighting the hotness in a major way for) bring back the beautiful memories of his CK Chonies ad. It almost feels like I’m catching up with an old friend. Seriously, that ad and me were practically engaged. It might have been my first boyfriend. I would carry it around with me everywhere! I wouldn’t leave home without it. In fact, I still have the paper cut scar on my no-no from our times together. One time, some dumb bitch at school caught me with it and asked why I had it. My response was, “I really like his music.” Yeah, that’s what I was calling dick bulges back then – music.

Anyway, it’s nice to see Marky Mark’s titties in top shape again. Although, the real scene stealer of this movie is going to be Melissa Leo’s hair. BEHOLD!!!

This is what Carmela Soprano was trying to do to her hair for so many years!!!

71-year-old Robert Redford married 51-year-old Sibylle Szaggars in Hamburg, Germany over the weekend. Robert decided it was time to get handcuffed to misery once again, so he pulled Sibylle’s name out of a hat and the rest is history. No, Robert and Sibyelle have been dating for a while. She’s an artist type who lives in Sundance, Utah with her boo.

This is Robert’s second time at the marriage rodeo. He was married to his first wife, Lola Redford, for almost 30 years. They had four kids together.

The Associated Press says that Robert and Sibylle are also planning a second wedding in Mexico. ATTENTION WHORES!

Congratulations to Robert and his new bride. However, condolences to the millions of middle-aged ladies who are punching their nipples this morning while screaming “IT SHOULD’VE BEEN ME!!”

SPOILER ALERT! The dumb skanks of Big Brother haven’t even been in the house for a week and they are already throwing racial slurs at each other. Yeah, I guess I should be surprised that it took them this long.

The slur came from the mouth of Braden, the model/actor/surfer/fashion icon (his words, not mine) who once flashed (NSFW) flashed his wang on an episode of Dante’s Cove.

During a bitch fight today, Braden said to Kevin, “What the fuck are you? You’re a Mexican from San Diego!” While Kevin (who is half black and half Asian) screamed, “I AM NOT A MEXICAN,” Braden kept saying, “You’re a fucking beaner. You’re all beaners!”

Braden makes no sense. Why does he think “You’re a Mexican from San Diego” is a major insult? For shits, I googled “Mexican from San Diego” and got a picture of a surprised turtle and a picture of delicious tacos. That looks like a compliment to me.

This reminds me of the time in junior high school when some idiotic bitch called me a “gay wetback.” I had to burst her racial slur bubble by telling her that I was born here. But that didn’t stop her! She had the perfect comeback: “Okay, well you’re a wannabe gay wetback then and that’s like way worse.” And she’s an authentic dumb fuck.

Braden later apologized to Kevin.

I think that CBS should do things a little differently this season. This Thursday, instead of sending someone home, the producers should release a pack of rabid boars into the house. Because it’s only going to get worse.

(Thanks Colette)

The Drunk Badger – Police in Goslar, Germany got a call from motorists about a dead badger in the middle of the road blocking traffic. When they arrived, they found that the badger wasn’t dead, it just loved to party and had a serious case of the drunks. The badger ate too many overly-fermented cherries and had stumbled out into the middle of the road to pass out. Shit, if any one of us was a badger, this would be us! This badger is our kind!

After waking his drunk ass, they were able to get him off the road.

The police officer, who should be a full-time comedian, said, “The animal’s stomach had turned the fruit to alcohol and the badger was, to put it crudely, drunk as a skunk. It could not immediately be established whether the badger got into trouble with his wife when he came home in such a state.”

(For Susan)