Yes, that picture looks like Gerard Butler is sticking the tip in from the back. It has just become Jennifer Aniston’s life screensaver. Moving on….

Is Maddox guest editing UsWeekly again, because they wrote up a post about how the loneliest living thing in the world will only date dudes with high Google rankings. If you haven’t been on the cover of a tabloid in the past couple of weeks, Jenny isn’t fucking with you and you’ll never ever see her collection of Real Baby Dolls.

Some source close to Jenny said, “Jennifer won’t date a normal guy. She goes after the hottest thing of the moment, what she knows will get her the most time in the spotlight.”

Let’s test this little accusation, shall we? In the past few years, Jenny has been linked to Gerry Butler, Bradley Cooper, John Mayer, Paul Sculfor and Vince Vaughn. Besides Paul, all of them are sort-of famous. But none of those dudes are really going to take Jennifer Aniston’s fame to the next level. She has to date someone whose star shines brighter than hers.

That means she can only share candlelit dinners (at a popular restaurant so everyone can see) with the likes of: Spaghetti Cat or Keyboard Cat. Actually, I’m pretty sure Keyboard Cat doesn’t date down, so Spaghetti Cat it is! Fuck Brangie! Hollywood’s premiere IT couple is now SPAGANISTON!

And here’s some pictures of one half of Spaganiston shooting with Gerry Butler in Queens, NY yesterday.

Earlier this year, 37-year-old model Liskula Cohen filed a lawsuit against Google to force them to reveal the identity of the blogger who started a blog devoted to trashing her good name. A judge in Manhattan ruled in favor of Liskula and Google had to hand over the e-mail address of the ho who created “Skanks In NYC.” After a little Googling (irony: here it is), Liskula found out that she kind of knew the woman who was calling her a SKANK at the top of the internet mountain. The woman was her mother. No, but that would’ve been hot.

Liskula told The NY Post that she’s seen the bitch at parties, but never considered her a friend. When Liskula called her up on the phone, her arch rival wouldn’t say shit. Liskula told the bitch she forgives her even though she has no idea why she hates her so much. The woman only said that they shouldn’t be talking and they should leave it to the lawyers. She never apologized. Liskula is now planning to sue the anonymous skank caller for defamation.

That should be an entertaining trial. They should get the oldest judge in the city to cover this wreck, just so we can all gets the LOLs when he says the word “SKANK” a zillion times.

You know, instead of suing the bitch, Liskula should send her a damn fruit basket. If you Google the word “SKANK,” Liskula’s name comes up on the first page. I’ve been working my ass off (literally) for years to achieve an honor like that! Liskula gets it handed to her and she’s whining about it. She’s not a skank, she’s a dumb bitch!

South African runner Caster Semenya (hehehe…she has semen in her name…hehehe) won the gold in the women’s 800-meter at the World Championships in Berlin last night, but officials may snatch (peen, I mean, pun intended) away her victory if it turns out she’s really a dude. Some hos think that 18-year-old Caster might have some man in her, so they are forcing her to undergo a series of gender tests performed by a bunch of doctors and experts.

Officials say they don’t believe that Caster cheated by having a sex change, but they think she has a “medical condition.” Basically, they think she has both male and female chromosomes (aka a case of the Lady GaGas). If the test results reveal that Caster is a dude, they will strip her of her gold medal. They haven’t said what will happen if she’s got a peen and a pooner.

Caster’s daddy told a South African paper, “She is my little girl. … I raised her and I have never doubted her gender. She is a woman and I can repeat that a million times.”

You know, this could easily be resolved in a matter of seconds. Just get Tommy Girl to sniff her up and down. If his extra terrestrial peen stays limp like a soggy noodle and his Scientolohole doesn’t slobber like a Mastiff, then Caster is 100% WOMAN! It’s that easy.

That being said, I’d hit it. Well, bitch has got a hot BODY and I’ve got an active imagination. Let’s do this.

Trace Cyrus isn’t going to just lay around in his stall, chewing on carrots while nursing a broken heart. No, Trace is going to show that Demi Lovato chick that he is moving on. Last night in Hollywood, Trace galloped down the streets with a Demi look-alike he probably leased from Craigslist.

The two just couldn’t resist their animal attraction towards each other, so they mouth fucked in front of the paps. While everyone who was witnessing lost all feeling in their genitals, the Demi wannabe lost her dignity. It’s a fair trade!

And when Trace is finished doing Equus shit with that chick, he needs to immediately report to The Maury Povich Studios. I’m pretty sure that Trace’s true parents are Jesse Camp and Flicka. The truth must be revealed!

UPDATE: Celine’s rep confirms to UsWeekly that rumors are true, “We can confirm she is pregnant. Celine and René are very happy. They are crazy in love over the news … they are overjoyed.” My frozen embryo will go on!!!!

Lying in Celine Dion’s magical womb might be a fetus with long flowing locks (which she will never cut) and a singing voice that can cure cancer. That’s because word on the block is that 41-year-old Celine Dion is pregnant with her second child. The Journal de Montreal (via The Montreal Gazette) says that kayak’s #1 fan and her 300-year-old husband, Rene Angelil, conceived with the help a team of fertility gods (aka some doctors in NYC).

Their first baby friend, (roll your Rs if you know what’s good for you) Rene-Charles, is already 8 years old.

Celine has yet to confirm or deny the rumors.

While researching this story (BECAUSE I’M A SERIOUS JOURNALIST!!!), I googled “Celine Dion baby” and this is the first picture that came up:

The internet: Sometimes you win and sometimes you lose.

Lily Allen got all emotional while performing in Finland last night, because she had a moment of clarity and realized her eye area was covered in Glamberace’s glittery ass jelly. No, apparently Lily fucked up her back by bending over the mirror too fast the night before. Lily got a Paula Abdul Special injected into her butt cheek to ease the pain, but it wasn’t working. If it’s not working, do it again and again! That’s Paula’s advice.

Lily told the crowd, “I feel a bit emotional tonight and if I cry it’s not because of you but because of me.”

Doesn’t Lily know that there’s no crying in chick rock! Lily should’ve taken a page out of Patrick Wolf’s handbook and threw a mic or spit at a bitch. That is the professional way to handle a meltdown.

By the way, when did Lily Allen suddenly become the lead singer for Bat for Lashes?

VIA The Sun