The entire cast of the newest season of Dancing with the Has-Beens was just announced on Good Morning America and once again, the producers mostly got it wrong! There’s no Spaghetti Cat, no Chicken Cutlets, no Maru, no Empress of Lucite, no Rojo Caliente, no Latarian Milton, no Detective La Toya Jackson and not even Kate Gosselin’s possum head! Anytheresnohopeleftintheworld, here’s the full cast. For every name you don’t recognize, take a shot of liquid DayQuil and Tang. Drink up!

Macy Gray – Alien from the planet Uranus who is responsible for turning 1999 into the year that the song “I Try” never left my damn head!
Aaron Carter – The reigning Mr. Meth Face of the Universe!
Kelly Osbourne – Hipster Monchhichi!
Melissa Joan Hart – Former bff of Brit Brit Spears and star of the critically acclaimed masterpiece Holiday in Handcuffs!
Donny Osmond – Annoying person.
Kathy Ireland – Christian lamp shade designer.
Mya – Singer, actress, Broadway d-lister and Ghetto Superstar!
Mark Dascasos – The Chairman of Iron Chef America and the only bitch on this world who truly knows how to introduce a food ingredient!
Ashley Hamilton – The former Mr. Brenda Walsh and George Hamilton’s son. And no, he doesn’t look like a water-damaged leather coin purse…yet.
Michael Irvin – One of the “most successful wide receivers” in the history of the NFL. FYI: Tommy Girl is one of the “most successful wide receivers” in the history of everything.
Tom DeLay – Former house majority leader. Whatever that is.
Natalie Coughlin – Olympic swimming gold medalist.
Joanna Krupa – Model/actress.
Debi Mazar – Hot bitch.
Chuck Liddell – An Ultimate Fighting Champion star.
Louie Vito – A famous snowboarder-type.

I had to Google half of these bitches for a clue! I mean, even OctoMommy’s uterus is more famous than some of these hos!

However, there are a few brights spot. I’m hoping amazon Macy Gray is the one who will slip, fall and crush Mop Head. Speaking of, who do you think Mop Head will use her black magic voodoo powers on first? My guess is MYA. Bitch better sleep with a Swiffer under her bed if she knows what’s good for her.

Last night in Baltimore, Poseidon’s true son and my bong’s favorite swimmer, Michael Phelps, accidentally did anal with a woman’s car. The police say that at around 9pm, Michael’s Cadillac Escalade collided with a Honda Accord. The two cars also hit a parked car which was empty. Hos on the scene say that the accident happened, because someone ran a red light.

The lady in the Accord got a little banged up and was shuffled off the hospital. Homegirl said her head, arm and wallet was hurting. I’m joking about the wallet part. She’s not going to sue (she’s totally going to sue). The Associated Press added that there were two passengers in Michael’s SUV and neither of them had owwies.

A Dlisted roving reporter (aka a reader named Jay) was on the scene shortly after the accident and here is his account of what happened:

Hey Michael K,

so I’m leaving my apartment tonight in my shithole city of Baltimore, when just two blocks away, I see someone has just wrecked his Escalade into a fucking PARKED car. This guy is hobbling around on the corner, looking drunk and very smug, with no shoes on and rocking a very bro-ish purple football jersey. I then realized it is the world’s fastest drunkard/highard Michael Phelps. The whole time he had a stupid shit-eating grin on his face, no doubt induced by the body shots he was probably taking as he ran his Escalade into a parked car. My friend took some photos, only to have Michael Phelps get in his face and demand, “Dude. Delete that photo. DELETE THE PHOTO NOW!”

Definitely drunk, definitely shoeless, and definitely wearing a football jersey. I’m so INTO Michael Phelps right now.

Just for the record, the police say that booze was not a factor in the crash and that they didn’t feel the need to drunk test Michael. Personally, if I was a police officer on the scene, I would’ve tested him. But I wouldn’t rely on the regular “field sobriety tests” they usually do. You can’t really tell with those. I would’ve done a Peenalyzer (aka a “Does the jizz taste like vodka” test). It works every time.

By the way, Michael was not having a Chico’s kind of night. GONG! Or should I say, BONG!

Bar Refaeli Twitters pictures of her grueling day job. I hope she gets a good benefits package, because that job looks harder than hard – Egotastic!

The roboalien family continues to terrorize Australia – Popsugar

Bethenny Frankel speaks the truth – Just Jared

Avril Lavigne looks beat – Hollywood Tuna

Ditto for Peaches Geldof – Holy Moly!

More like “Lady GaGa brings poop back to life” – Towleroad

Becks and one of his boys (don’t make me Google for a name) strolling through Heathrow – Lainey Gossip

I thought cows were supposed to eat grass, not play on it – Hollywood Rag

Elle Macpherson’s fresh fuck hair (site NSFW) – Drunken Stepfather

Don’t mess with the Centipede – Celebitchy

Anna Farris got married – ICYDK

Shia’s other jackit hand is healing – Socialite Life

The greatest celebrity already exists and his name is Spaghetti Cat – Cityrag

Kelly Taylor is always starting shit! Some things never change – I’m Not Obsessed

Jessie from NYC Prep – I can proudly say that I haven’t seen every episode of NYC Prep (I’ve seen every episode), but I felt that in honor of tonight’s finale, we should pay tribute to the star of the show: Jessie.

By the way, this show should really be called Wonk-Eyed Prep, because every single one of those girls have fucked up eye situations. These girls look like their heads got stuck in their mother’s vagina during birth and doctors had to slowly yank them out causing their eyes to get all messed up. Seriously, one of the chicks always looks like she just got punched out or has an eye infection. One eye is the size of a chickpea and the other is the size if a walnut. Did her mother drink during pregnancy?

And Jesse, well, her eyes must really love each other, because they are practically kissing. Her nose is totally cock blocking. But that’s part of her charm. Jessie is supposed to be the bitchy, popular, fashionable girl on the show, but to put it bluntly, she’s the ugly one. And nobody on the show tells her that! Jessie will bitch a girl (or a gay) out, but none of the girls (or gays) will fire back and say, “Bitch, at least I don’t look like a post-seizure Eeyore!” So, that’s Jesse: Monster on the inside, monster on the outside! Totally my type.

Claire Cruise, the bag of roasted peanuts who claims she is the biological mother of all three of Michael Jackson’s kiddies, held a press conference outside of her mental hospital cell the courthouse today and she dropped another BOMB. FUCKING. SHELL. Claire says she and Michael Jackson are the biological parents of Connor Cruise, Tommy Girl’s son with Nicole Kidman. Escandalo! Somewhere in the world, Nicole Kidman’s forehead moved for the first time in YEARS after she heard about this fuckery.

Yeah, I know we shouldn’t even be feeding the crazy, but it’s Monday and we all need to be entertained! So… TMZ was there when Claire told a group of interns reporters that Michael Jackson gave Tom Cruise the baby, because “he didn’t like the color of his skin.” Claire continued to confirm that she is from another planet by saying even though she conceived of all Michael’s kids, she didn’t give birth to them. Thanks to state-of-the-art technology, all of the embryos were removed from her crazy body and inserted into a surrogate.

Claire took the blue pill, didn’t she? Bitch is BEYOND. Who needs to drop acid? Just spend a little time with Claire and she’ll take you to another dimension.

I can’t wait to see who else she drags into her crazy world. I mean, don’t be surprised if she declares that Kate Gosselin’s possum head is her biological child with ALF. Claire Cruise is the baby mama to the stars (in her head)!

P.S. – Dollhouse Dude, where art thou?!!!!!!!!!!!!

When I first salivated over these pictures of Ryan Gosling on a motherfuckin’ bike, I thought the loud roaring and squeaking in my ears was just my imagination really taking me there. But no, the roaring was actually coming from my genital areas. Don’t worry, I just dabbed a little Pennzoil on there and now it won’t be doing that anymore. For now. And don’t ruing the moment by mentioning Ryan’s prison-quality Giving Tree tattoo.