Nearly four months after he moonwalked off to the Neverland in the sky, Michael Jackson has a new single out called “This Is It.” No, this is not a cover of Huey Lewis’ “If This Is It.” I wish.

The song was originally written in the olden times (aka the 90s), but never officially released. It will be part of a 2-disc CD set, and it will also play at the end of the Michael Jackson documentary called “This Is It” (DUH). The documentary opens on October 28th.

All of MJ’s brothers sang background on the single. If you listen carefully, you can almost hear Joe Jackson using his abacus (he’s old school like that) to calculate all the cash he’s going to make off this song. And if you play the song backwards, the secret to Jermaine Jackson’s hairline will be revealed. That tip is courtesy of Det. La Toya.

VIA Associated Press

Stephen Gately of the Irish boy band Boyzone was found dead yesterday while on vacation in Majorca, Spain with his husband Andrew Cowles. Stephen was only 33.

There aren’t many details about Stephen’s death since the police are still conducting an investigation. The police said there were no signs of violence. One of Stephen’s told The News of the World (I know) that he went out for a few drinks, came back to his house, fell asleep and never woke up.

The members of Boyzone are now on their way to Spain. The group’s Louis Walsh said this:

“We’re all absolutely devastated. I’m in complete shock. I was only with him on Monday at an awards ceremony. We don’t know much about what’s happened yet. I only heard after The X Factor and we will rally around each other this week. He was a great man.”

Stephen, who was working on his first children’s novel at the time of his death, is survived by his husband Andrew.

Source: The Associated Press

White Oprah’s charbroiled Slim Jim body may be on this planet, but her brain is still floating around space somewhere. White Oprah proved this in an interview she gave to Page Six at the launch of her new shoe line for mothers turned pimps who constantly have to run from dealers and CPS officers.

White Oprah got into everything from the so-called intervention for LiLo to the name of her shoe line. Make sure to put the voice of reason in your head on mute before reading it, because if you don’t, you’ll only hear “put a straitjacket on her mouth” over and over again.

WO on Michael Lohan’s public intervention for their daughter: “I don’t go — like my ex — on national television and make things up. He’s estranged from Lindsay; he doesn’t know what’s going on in her life. Michael doesn’t talk to her. “I’ve had full custody of all my children for the last 10 years. He has been incarcerated for some of that time, so whatever is going on in Lindsay’s personal life is our business. And for him getting paid to say things about her when he’s five months behind in child support is wrong.”

WO on Michael Lohan’s behavior: “I can’t change Michael to make him do the right thing — that’s up to him and God. But it is hurtful for a child for her own father, whom she has no relationship with, to say things in public about her like that.”

WO on Michael Lohan’s claims that their daughter is eating up pills by the handful: “I have no idea what he is talking about. I can’t comment on everything my ex says.”

WO on the critics saying her daughter’s Ungaro collection was as worthless as a dehydrated butt nugget: “The critics can say whatever they want, but Lindsay is a genius.”

WO on bitches getting on her crackhead daughter’s case: “Leave Lindsay alone. Let her be a real 23-year-old. Let her grow, and let her artistic abilities flourish. Stop judging the Britneys and the Lindsays. They are very creative girls, and that is a gift from a higher power of God.”

WO on “Shoe-Han” being the name of her shoe line: “We are not going to announce the name so every Google and MySpace buys the domain name. Lindsay is signed to Ungaro, but she will definitely have input because she is so talented.”

Don’t read any of that out loud or two men in white coats will come into your home to drag you to the nearest crazy house. Which is what should’ve happened to White Oprah after she spewed that insane ridiculousness. The. Bitch. Is. CRAAAAAAAZY.

But I will agree with her about Lindsay’s “creative talents.” I mean, being able to snort a line from across the room is definitely a gift from a high power of GOD.

This is the kind of ho shit I expect from Patty or Selma, but not Marge. I think I have a new favorite Simpson (sorry Maggie).

E! Online says that Marge Simpson will flash her yellow nipples and her toon poon in the pages of November’s Playboy. Marge will even take the cover. THAT SLUT! The interview and three-page pictorial will run in honor of The Simpson 20th anniversary. Marge isn’t going to pull any of that Heidi Montag fuckery by covering the goods. Marge is going all the way. Yeah, I didn’t think I’d ever see a blue snatch stache in Playboy, but there’s a first time for everything. And I doubt it if Marge will even need a little help from Photoshop.

And when I typed “Marge Simpson naked” into Google, the first thing that “came” up was a gonzo porn site devoted to The Simpsons. I thought my brain was a permanent resident of the gutter, but these hos outdid me. If you’ve ever wondered what a Marge Simpson gang bang looks like, (NOT SAFE FOR YOUR SOUL) then click on over. If you get the tingles, keep it yourself (that was a note to self).

Prince and Alien Princess RiRi are both in Paris at the same time, so it’s got everyone seeing double! Bitches need to a clue to figure out who is who. Because of this, Prince has been forced to prove that he’s not the tenheaded alien one by flashing his luscious chest fur wherever he goes. RiRi’s titty bush doesn’t sparkle and shine in the light as much as Prince’s. I’m pretty sure Prince’s chest hair is the secret ingredient in Gelly Roll pens.

Here’s the fancy purple lesbian, his matching piece and Kunty Karl at some Fendi party last night.

After Anna Nicole Smith’s sugar pepaw, J. Howard Marshall II, passed away, his son tried to keep millions of dollars out of her checking account. Anna and J. Howard’s son, E. Pierce Marshall, went to battle for a big piece of his multi-million dollar fortune. But would Anna actually try to knock E. Pierce off so that she could have all the money to herself?! A gold digger’s gotta do…..

According to newly released FBI documents, authorities had reason to believe that Anna Nicole was involved in a plot to murder E. Pierce Marshall.

The Associated Press says that they investigated the murder-for-hire-plot in 2000 and 2001. When the FBI confronted Anna, she immediately broke down in tears and denied being involved. One of the agents wrote, “Smith adamantly denied ever contemplating such a crime.” As part of their investigation, they confiscated a Wesson revolver, a knife and a Dr. Seuss hat from Anna’s home. The FBI didn’t explain why they took that stuff. All three items were returned to Anna seven months later.

In 2001, the FBI decided there was not enough information to go ahead with the investigation, so they closed the case and determined that Anna was not a mastermind murderess after all.

E. Pierce Marhsall died 3 years ago from natural causes.

Anna Nicole could never hurt a flea on a fluffy white dog’s ass, so I doubt she tried to kill her sponsor’s son. Besides, if Anna wanted to murder someone, she wouldn’t use a knife or a Dr. Seuss hat. She’d simply send them nekkid pictures of Bobby Trendy.