I regularly pray that my inbox will one day be graced with a picture of Anderson Cooper, Cox and a huge load of white stuff, but this isn’t what my loins had in mind. I’ll still take it, because Mah Boo’s giggle and OMG faces are like a Snuggie for my soul.

Just like 85% of this country, Courteney Cox has a not-so-strange addiction to drinking gallons upon gallons of ranch dressing and she can’t start her day without hooking her arm vein up to an IV drip full of ranch. Courteney’s idea of heaven is frolicking through the Hidden Valley Ranch. Since Anderson is a serious journalist and his talk show brings us nothing but highly important hard-hitting stories, he brought out a bowl full of America’s nectar and asked Courteney to guzzle it down. Here’s a preview of the episode that airs today:

I am disgusted with that clip, because ranch dressing and mayo are enemies and I can’t live without the latter. I wish they made mayo-flavored lube. I am also disgusted with that clip, because again, this is not the moment between a Cox and a Mah Boo I want to see. I was so disgusted with all of this that I almost forget to mention that Courteney really needs to back away from the Botox needle before her face looks exactly like that of a Good Luck Cat.

Thammy Gretchen, model, singer, lesbian porn star and the daughter of Brazilian superstar Queen Bottom Gretchen.

Any trick who gives you an instant lisp when you say her first name is automatically miles ahead from all of us in the Hot Slut game. But Thammy took her hotness a whole new level in 2006 when she freed the butch bitch inside of her by chopping all of her hair off, retiring her heels for good and declaring that she’s a labia-loving lesbian. The SamRo of Brazil was born! Since then, Thammy has been scissoring her way through hot piece after hot piece on and off camera. Thammy made her then girlfriend Janaina Cinci the luckiest ho in every universe when she married her in the Brazilian wedding of the century in 2010. I don’t know if Thammy and Janiana are still together, but Janiana would be a supreme dumb bitch if she ever stopped wrapping her legs around Thammy’s neck.

Seriously, Thammy looks like she can eat you until your coochie started queefing in tongues and lady jizz started squirting out of your nipples holes. When she’s done she’ll leave you stumbling around looking for your head since it will feel like you orgasmed it off into another dimension. Thammy can also do this:

If one of Rojo Caliente’s ovaries was fertilized with the saliva of Sporty Spice in the Jersey Shore hot tub right before somebody electrocuted the water by throwing in a computer with Hot Chicks with Douchags on its monitor, out would come Thammy Gretchen. I’m forever in love.

2 Girls, 1 Cup! The cup is missing from the picture, because I’m currently wet heaving into it – Lainey Gossip

It looks like Whitney Houston didn’t have a Calgon moment gone wrong after all – The Superficial

This is not what I was expecting when I Googled “man’s best friend pulled out of long hole” – Towleroad

Jennifer Aniston and Paul Rudd make puckery labia lips on GQ – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

The CDC legally forced Bombshit McGross to wear that t-shirt as a warning label, right? – Hollywood Tuna

David Gandy is on the market and the line forms to the left of NOT A CHANCE IN HELL – The Berry

FYI: Adele is permanently horny – Celebitchy

If there was a Tom of Finland comic book, Kellan Lutz would be the villain in it – Just Jared

It was nice of Alexis Carrington to lend St. Angie one of her old bath robes – ICYDK

Kate Upton wearing an arm bra in Esquire – Popoholic

Thirty seconds later Justin Theroux is like, “You can let me go now, I’m not going anywhere.” Forty five minutes later Justin is like, “No, seriously, I’m not going anywhere and I’m about to piss all over your stomach.” – Popsugar

No Pants Sajak! Blame it on the margaritas and Vanna White’s pants-dropping outfit – The Daily What

You know The Hoff did this kind of sucio shit with KITT – SOW

Gareth Thomas bends all the way over and if I squint, I can practically see his prostate – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Olivia Munn is in her panties in case you haven’t seen Olivia Munn in her panties the other five thousand times Olivia Munn posed in her panties – Hollywood Rag

That must smell like a dirty diaper marinating in a pot of old cheese –Cityrag

The biracial butterfly still exists! – Crunk + Disorderly

Katy Perry didn’t need to wear those silver arrows on her torso, because we can clearly see her gold camel toe without their assistance – I’m Not Obsessed

Cindy Barshop, formerly of The Real Housewives of New York City and currently of The Real Asswipes of Old Douche City, has come up with the perfectly pointless thing for rich ladies who have always wanted to know what it feels like to have the coochie of a fox. For just $220+, Cindy’s team at her waxing salon Completely Bare will give you the newborn by waxing your punane until every part of it is touching air and then they’ll warm it up with a vagina wig made from real fox fur. It’s like a fur coat for your cooter and you it’s so luxurious that you won’t even care that after a long August day your crotch will smell like a herring taking a bath in a bowl of butt sweat at the bottom of a used bunny cage.

TMZ says that Completely Bare also offers a feathered merkin and the fur one comes in a bunch of colors including pink.

As my abuelita used to say, “Usted haga lo que quieras con tu chocha a y que voy a hacer lo que quiero con mi chocha.” (Okay, she never said that, but I wish she would’ve said that.) It’s your vagina, but do you really want a dead fox lying on your naked beaver? Mother Nature just punched the tears out of her eyes. Besides, that hot pink patch of furry fug looks like the scalped head of a troll doll. If you really want to see a troll doll going down on you when you look at your crotch, just get yourself a troll doll vibrator! Damn.

And PETA doesn’t have to worry about throwing red paint on all the fox fur merkins out there, because the wearer’s pussy will do it for them on a monthly basis.

In the past three years, I’ve watched Paula Deen take bites from deliciousness like deep fried bacon-wrapped Zingers and deep fried bacon-wrapped funnel cake pizza, and now I’m barely learning that that those deep fried bacon-wrapped dishes of deliciousness were probably made with 10 bags of sugar instead of 20! Because Paula Deen admitted on Today (via People) this morning that the not-so-shocking rumor that she’s got Type 2 Diabetes is true and she found out almost three years ago. If you just had a coronary, it’s not from Paula’s news, it’s from eating the words “deep fried bacon-wrapped funnel cake pizza” with your eyes.

Paula says that it took her so long to spit up the news publicly, because she wanted to get all the facts together before she started speaking about it (Translation: Paula was working on her turning her Diabeetus into sugar-free dollar signs by landing a pharmaceutical endorsement deal!). The days of eating mac ‘n cheese soup with whipped bacon cream aren’t totally behind her, because Paula says that even though sweet tea isn’t her friend anymore, she’s still eating her own recipes in moderation.

“I was determined to share my positive approach and not let diabetes stand in the way of enjoying my life. I’m excited to team up with Novo Nordisk on this initiative to show others that managing diabetes does not have to stop you from enjoying the things you love.”

Paula Deen is a genius! Paula isn’t saying, “You’ll get Type 2 if you eat my Krispy Kreme bread pudding,” because then nobody will buy her old cookbooks and she’ll have to change everything. Instead she’s whoring out some Diabetes medication while telling everyone to nibble, don’t swallow that Krispy Kreme cheeseburger your tongue craves:

AND when I Googled “Diabetes and butter,” my eyes felt like a butter Jesus blessed my eyes with holy butter when I read this headline: “Got Diabetes? Eat More Butter!” Dairy cows no longer have to wander around the fields wondering what is going to become of them, because Paula and butter are stronger then ever. Also, if watching that clip gave you a temporary case of Diabetes in the eyes, just smear a whole stick of butter on them and call it good.

ABC has chopped up Cynthia McFadden’s interview with Madge and has sold it off in parts to Nightline (aired last night), Good Morning America (aired today) and 20/20 (airing tonight), and so the quotes are slowly trickling out like water torture. On Nightline last night, Madge kicked CaCa’s tuck out again by saying “Born This Way” sounds “reductive.” This bitch really used the word reductive like she’s a spelling bee judge or some shit. Like she was helping Lourdes with some English homework that afternoon and barely learned the word. The way she said it too. Madge said it while smugly patting her smart gene. By the way, “reductive” basically means “simple” in pretentiouscuntanese. Moving on….

Cynthia also brought up the fact Madge’s last piece Baby Jesus was only ten seconds out of the manger and her new piece Baby Brahim still has his mother’s womb jelly stuck up in his ass crack. Cynthia asked Madge why she’s always spreading her cougar coochie on boy toys who haven’t yet mastered the art of lifting up the toilet seat before taking a pee pee.

“I didn’t choose to, you know, I didn’t, like, write down on a piece of paper I’m now going to have a relationship with a younger man. That’s just what happened. You see, that’s the romantic in me. I just met someone that I cared for, and this happened to be his age.”

“I didn’t choose to”? To quote everybody who stands in front of Kim Kardashian before she opens her mouth to say something: NOW YOU KNOW THAT’S A LIE! After being with a dude (Guy Ritchie) who didn’t keep his mouth shut, Madge likes to be the one holding the whip in a relationship and so she chooses fuck pieces who will gladly hand the deed to their ballsacks to her and won’t curse back because they can barely speak English! No hate from me. I guess when you’re around a bunch of bitches who will do everything you say all day, you just want to go home and surround yourself with a bunch of bitches who will do everything you say all night. Makes sense!

Here’s the full interview from Nightline last night and I sort of love that 24-year-old Brahim refuses to massage her centaur hooves. I’m sure Brahim won’t make that mistake again after Madge punished him by ordering her henchman to cut off his auntie’s feet and deliver them to her on a platter:

And will somebody let Madge know that we already have one Dowager Countess of Grantham and we don’t need another, so she can finally quit the Downton Abbey act.