Now we all know what’s shoved up the “softer side” of Sears. Sears has always been known as the place to get a Frigidaire and your picture taken in a glamorous portrait studio session, but now it’s the only place to go in the mall when you need the perfect t-shirt to tell the world that your heart (and other parts) belong to butt plugs. Sears pulled this “I Heart Butt Plugs” t-shirt out of the b-hole on their site yesterday, but you can still see it on Google. I’m sure Sears will relaunch it soon with their “I Heart Anal Beads” ass bib and their “I Heart Sears” butt plug. Take note, JCP, because this is how you really burn the ass lips on the anti-gay Christian moms of America.

via Gawker (Thanks, Jocelyn)

That sound you hear is Marcia Brady’s world crashing down around her, because her one true soulmate has taken the last train to Heavensville. Davy Jones (that’s Davy Jones of The Monkees for those of you fetus people who didn’t watch episodes of The Monkees on an analog TV while getting carpet burns from lying on the shag rug) died from a heart attack at his home in Florida this morning. Davy was only 66.

Davy Jones started his career begging for fake porridge as the Artful Dodger in a London production of Oliver! and he went on to star in the Broadway production as well. Davy did some TV shit after that, but he really started making polyester panties drop when he was cast in The Monkees in 1965. The Monkees was canceled in 1968, but it forever lives on in re-runs watched by hos like myself who thought for the longest time that The Monkees were the younger brothers of The Beatles. I ate window flies as a child, so that explains things.

Davy is survived by his wife Jessica and his 4 daughters.

If this news wasn’t tragic enough, I Googled “Davy Jones” and 90% of the pictures were of that tentacle-faced douche Davy Jones from Pirates of the Caribbean. It’s ALWAYS too soon for that kind of Google foolery.

Rest in peace, Davy. You are hip shimmying with the angels now.

JLo shouldn’t even be the second-string trophy girl at the San Juan Community Theater Awards, but for some messed up reason the Oscar Meyer Awards asked her to present some shit with Cameron Diaz last night. Maybe it was a Make-A-Wish situation and the producers wanted to the charity tax right-off, because when you Google “WHY IN ALL THE FUCKS WAS SHE THERE?!,” JLo’s mug will be smiling back at you. But whatever, JLo wasn’t asking any questions and she made sure to stretch her 15 seconds on stage by stretching her dress to the point of no return.

While dressed like a standby letter turner on a 70s Mexican game show, JLo made hos everywhere press pause on their Tivos to see if she was flashing an inch of the nipple plate that Skeletor used to snort lines of crushed baby bones off of. JLo’s stylist says that it was just an optical nippleusion and there was no nip slip situation. Whatever, at least staring at JLo’s peek-a-nip distracted me from listening to her talk or looking at Cameron Diaz’s face. I mean, Cameron Diaz’s FACE and HAIR! That’s what eating Diddy’s ass on a full-time basis does to you. If Cameron meant to look like a Florida teenage boy whose hair and face got fried in a meth lab explosion, then a slow clap for her.

And back to JLo’s nip (I hope to never type those words again), since last night’s theme was obviously fame-hongray body parts, why didn’t Jean Dujardin’s peen tip poke out the piss slit in his pants while he was accepting his award. All we got was JLo’s maybe nip and Angie’s skeleton leg. Where was Jean Dujardin’s peen tip when we needed it most?!

This A-List actor shed his substance abuse problems to become a Hollywood role model for clean living, but now it seems he has a new addiction—cross-dressing! He loves to doll himself up in vintage women’s clothing and has spent more than $10,000 on items such as high heels, dresses, fancy hair accessories and hats. The goods are ordered online (using an alias) and delivered to his manager’s house. (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

I just got the vapors from picturing Robert Downey Jr. leaning against the doorway of his boudoir while wearing pink lace panties, white satin heals, a Raquel Welch wig, and a marabou feather robe. If that image is not bringing you to your knees, then picture RDJ’s butt stubble peaking out of those pink lace chonies. I know, right? You just sashayed away to the nearest CVS to buy smelling salts.

This Oscar-winning ladies’ man has taken his obsessive and out-of-control sex life to new levels. The heterosexual comedian/actor/singer is so insatiable that he’s started turning tricks with men! Who is the newly bisexual star? (National Enquirer via Blind Gossip)

The only dude comedians who have won Oscars are Red Buttons, Robin Williams, George Burns and Jamie Foxx. Red Buttons and George Buttons are up in heaven, so they’re out. Even though I’d need to take a FURminator to my tongue after licking on Robin Williams’ fur body, I so would. But it’s not him since he’s not a singer. That leaves my only guess, Jamie Foxx?

I don’t think Jamie Foxx is hard up for cash, so he’s doing this solely for the thrill of being a paid whore? This mess isn’t true, but if it is, Jamie Foxx is my fourth favorite ass peddler after Angel, Kit de Luca and Kristin Davis. But for real, this blind item is probably just marketing for Shame on DVD.

This once upon a time almost B+ list female singer is now more famous for being famous. Hey, at least it keeps her wealthy. She is also known for being a devout member of this church. She recently left it though after she suffered a nervous breakdown and went on an alcohol binge that would make Arthur proud. She went to rehab and while in rehab began seeing a psychiatrist. Uh oh. She also left her church which is never a good thing. However, if you are wealthier it is easier to avoid them. They knock at her door everyday and dig through her trash, but she just hires more and more security to keep them all away and stays locked inside her house. It is a stand off. Oh, the tales she will be able to tell. But what about her kids? Her other relatives who are also in the church? (CDAN)

You in danger, Lisa Marie Presley.

This celebrity feud has another round coming up in the next couple of weeks! In the competition for Oscar party guests, this Diva has scored a small early victory over her Rival.

The Diva sent out a super-early invitation to this very popular Singer and secured her commitment to attend her pre-Oscar party. Diva then instructed several of her other guests to do everything possible to keep the singer at Diva’s party all night. The plan includes bribing the Singer’s driver to feign an engine problem once they have arrived at the Diva’s party. Diva wants to prevent the Singer from attending the party of the Rival, scoring points for the Diva’s popularity… and very effectively ruffling the feathers off the Rival, whose anticipation of the arrival of the Singer all night will end in bitter disappointment. (Blind Gossip)

Diva Bitch Queen: Madge?
Diva Bitch Queen’s arch rival: Elton John?
The pawn in Diva Bitch Queen’s plan: Lady CaCa?

Lower tier actress – you know her name – is desperate for a big(ger) break. When she heard The Director was working on a new blockbuster, she begged and begged for a meeting. And he repeatedly kept dicking her around, cancelling at the last minute, making her wait for a couple of hours before sending the assistant out to tell her he wasn’t showing. I mean, he’s a legendary misogynist. And there’s nothing he likes more than playing mind games with young actresses.

Though he has no intention of putting her in his movies, he’s having a great time fucking up her head. So he sent word that he might agree to see her but only if she loses some weight. This girl was fit to begin with. Like really fit. So she’s starving herself to let go of an extra 10, even though there’s not much there to begin with. But it’s not like it would help. Again, he’s just doing this because he can, for shits and giggles, because he’s a twisted fuck. As he explained to a colleague, “That girl is regular person pretty, and not even really regular person pretty. Definitely not hot enough for one of my movies.” And it’s like he’s almost insulted that she thought she was. Which is why this game, this game is just his way of putting her in her place, of punishing her for actually thinking she’d be good enough, sexy enough, to be his new model muse. He justifies it by saying he’s giving her a “life lesson”. Oh, and “if she offers me a blowjob, I’ll take it. One of these days, maybe I’ll throw her a favour”. Sad part is…she’s coming close to it. She’s coming very close. (Lainey Gossip)

Michael Bay (of pigs) and Ashley Greene? Ashley Greene needs to do her research, because everyone knows that Michael Bay is the real life Chad from In The Company of Men. Every young actress and Victoria’s Secret model checks under her bed every night, because there’s a good chance Michael Bay is under there with a bikini in one hand and a sponge for her to wash his Ferrari with in the other.

Michael Bay is a tall drink of douche and any young actress who auditions for him should know that he’s either going to make them buff his rims or rim him in the buff.

It turns out that Hollywood is not the only place you need beards. Sports also has a need for beards. What happens when you combine the two? You get an NFL player who wants to meet gay actors so “dates” a B list actress. Hey, she has done it before for a reality star. (CDAN)

I’m getting a later start than usual this morning, because while researching this blind item like any serious journalist would, I Googled “gay NFL” and it took me on a journey that can only be described as visual lube. My fap material file is all filled up now. Anyway, my guess for this is pocket beard Hayden Pantyairs, Scotty McKnight and Stephen Colletti? That Scotty McKnight dude never made my gaydar pucker until I started looking pictures of him. In almost every picture, Scotty makes the same OMGSOEXCITEDTOSEENEWPEEN face I make whenever Corbin Fisher adds a new porn piece.

Which B/C list singer/musician who writes her own songs, recently came to the conclusion that because she has never really experienced a healthy relationship with a man, she might actually be gay? She’s always had really close women friends who she bonds well with, but her relationships with men always seem to go south and she’s never really felt she’s been in love before. She’s decided to explore this new part of herself and we’ll see if any new relationships pop up in the news. (BuzzFoto)

Sheryl Crow? Kelly Clarkson?