Being A Father Makes Brad Pitt, A Rich Man, Feel Like The Richest Man Alive

October 1, 2014 / Posted by:

I see Psychologies Magazine subtly coming at newlywed Brad Pitt by putting that “Why do you really want to get married?” cover line next to him.

In case you didn’t already know, Brad Pitt and St. Angie Jolie have kids. Like some people who have kids, they love their kids and really, really, REALLY, really love talking about how much they love their kids. Brangie is that bitch on Facebook who posts cheesy open poems to their baby who can’t read yet and always goes on about how they’re thinking of having their angel son’s DNA tested because they’re beginning to think he’s the biological child of the sun, moon and stars. But since St. Angie and Brad aren’t on Facebook (that us peons know of) ¬†they have to drool about being parents during interviews. The world is their Facebook.

While talking to Psychologies Magazine (via E! News) about his new movie Fury, Brad Pitt dribbled out verbal streams of syrupy love about being a father.

On how being a dad is the greatest thing ever: “You learn to value the basic beauty of family, of watching your children grow and evolve. It’s the most beautiful thing you can experience. I feel like the richest man alive since I’ve become a father. Being a father has changed me on so many levels and made me more generous and alive. I see my children as an essential part of my life, and it means so much to be able to educate them and help them make their way in the world as they grow up. I love being a father and all the responsibilities that entails.”

On how being a dad is greater than the greatest thing ever: “I worry about them all the time. That’s the emotional bond and responsibility that sweeps over you when you have a family to look after. I care about them more than I care about myself, which I think is the real definition of love. You see past yourself and become more generous and giving, and wanting only the best for your family.”

On how being a dad is greatest than the greatest than the… OH FOR FUCK’S SAKE WE GET IT, YOUR LIFE IS PERFECT – “Angelina is just amazing. I’ll be tired and lie down on the sofa and then she’ll keep going until late at night. And that makes me feel like, ‘Why am I taking it easy?’ so I’ll go help out and play with the boys and get them to bed. You realize that you always have the energy inside you, and as a parent you need to have a lot of willpower.”

Hmmm, let’s put his love for his children to the test. If his fully stocked bong and Vivienne Jolie-Pitt were sitting on the lawn together and a hawk came for them, which one would Brad Pitt save? Duh. Brad Pitt would obviously save his bong, because he knows Vivi’s ethereal innocence would hypnotize the hawk and it’d become her best friend and confidante like in a Disney cartoon.

I get it. “I feel like the richest man alive” is just a saying. I’ve said it while cuddling with a pack of Sno-Balls on my couch. But it’s funny coming from Brad. He should feel like the richest man alive since he IS one of the richest men alive. If Brad Pitt wasn’t a multi-millionaire with a team of helpers, and had to make a budget dinner for his 500 kids, help with homework and break up fights at the same time while trying not to fall asleep after working a 12 hour day, he’d probably say, “I feel like the lower middle classiest-ish guy alive.”

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