Charm and Brittani Niccole, the plastic muses of their plastic surgeon father Dr. Michael Niccole! Happy Friday the 13th, indeed!

I’ll wait here as you print that picture out and plant it in your backyard garden hoping that plastic flowers like these bloom in the spring.

Charm and Brittani are two sisters from Orange County, CA (DUH) who are the walking poster beauties for their adoptive father’s plastic surgery skills.

Charm was the first to go under her father’s knife at the age of 10 (bitch was a late bloomer) when she had her outie turned into an innie. Since then she’s gotten her titties done, had gallons of Botox injected into her face, got liposuction and a bunch of skin peels. Brittani had a tit job, gallons of Botox injected into her face, skin peels, a nose job and who knows what else. They both say that they’re happy as fuck to be billboards for their father’s business. Charm shat this out to The Daily Mail:

“Almost all of our friends have had procedures done by my dad, whether that’s boob jobs, liposuction, Botox or skin peels. If there are ten people in a room, nine out of the ten people have had something done by my dad. Random people even will find me on Facebook and will say, “oh are you Dr. Niccole’s daughter? I was thinking about getting this procedure done, can you help me? I give their information to a consultant. It’s a family business so I’m contributing and so it’s good.”

Charm and Brittani’s mother wasn’t into them getting plasticized at first, but she eventually gave in. And of course, their creepy dad is all about it. His ass said, “They have grown up in an environment of beauty. Our cars are always immaculate, our house is immaculate and all our friends are beautiful.”

And in case you’re doubting that these beauties can actually move, here’s a video of them speaking.

Fun Fact: Dr. Niccole is Alexis Bellino’s plastic surgeon. It all makes sense now, right?

I know you’re looking at those names and those plastic faces and thinking that their destiny is to be the least popular porn stars on Brazzers, but excuse you. They’re obviously going to be co-Presients of the United States of America. Behold, Presidents Charm and Brittani! Free tits for everyone!

Dick Van Dyke (88)
Jamie Foxx (46)
Taylor Swift (24)
Amy Lee (32)
Tom DeLonge (38)
Debbie Matenopoulos (39)
NeNe Leakes (45)
Steve Buscemi (56)
Morris Day (56)
Wendie Malick (63)
Ted Nugent (65)
John Davidson (72)
Christopher Plummer (84)

At the end of every day, Bruce Jenner slips on his white marabou feather robe, pours some champagne into a crystal champagne flute, puts on a little Julie London and unwinds at his gold vanity where he gracefully applies pearl cream to his luscious face. When Bruce Jenner really wants to feel like the delicate swan he is, he smears pearl cream all over his décolletage and right when the music starts to swell, he runs his hand up to his neck, but something always get in the way like a giant roadblock and ruins the moment. That something is his fucking girthy Adam’s apple! So Bruce’s hacking the thing off.

TMZ says that the lone flower in the Kartrashian garden met with a plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills today to get his Adam’s apple shaved down. Usually, only transgender women get their Adam’s apple shaved down as part of the gender reassignment process, but Bruce says that contrary to that cover of Star Magazine, he doesn’t want to be a woman. Bruce just hates that third elbow on his neck. Bruce tells TMZ, “I just never liked my trachea.”

Bruce claims he just went in for a consultation and hasn’t scheduled the surgery yet, but a source (whose name starts with Pimp and ends with Kris, I’m sure) says he’s doing it early next year.

I feel Bruce’s struggle. My Adam’s apple is huge, but I’ve learned to love it. I can hang crap on it when I need to go hands free. I can chop a block of ice with it if I don’t have an ice pick nearby. I can even slap a bitch with it or fuck a butt with it. It has a million uses!

And I’m kind of surprised Bruce still has an Adam’s apple. It’s amazing that Pimp Mama Kris didn’t tear it off with her fangs years ago.

The Mighty O has made it clear before that motherhood is something she never tried to reach for and she never had the urge to push a human out of her heavenly oyster. Oprah wanted other things and besides, she already tried to raise a bald asshole who constantly dribbles out lukewarm nonsense, is always crying for attention and reeks of wet shit. His name is Dr. Phil.

Oprah tells The Hollywood Reporter that if she did have her own kids, they’d be calling their team of nannies “mom” while she was off ruling the world and saving us all!

“Gayle [now a mother of two] was the kind of kid who, in seventh grade Home Ec class, was writing down her name and the names of her children. While she was having those kind of daydreams, I was having daydreams about how I could be Martin Luther King. If I had kids, my kids would hate me. They would have ended up on the equivalent of the Oprah show talking about me; because something [in my life] would have had to suffer and it would’ve probably been them.”

So, Oprah’s kids would hate her, talk shit about her and sell her out. That sounds like 50% of kids in the world and 99.9% of the kids in Hollywood. Sounds normal to me! But I get it, Oprah is the Earth’s mother, which means that we’re kind of like her kids, which means that she should expect us to call every other day crying for a loan (Note: loans from moms are on a sliding-scale, so Oprah can give us like $20 million each). And just like my real mom, she can pick up the phone, see my name, hit the ignore button and continue watching Untold Stories of the ER.

Did I just fall in love? I mean, she doesn’t exactly fit my type, but I guess I could change. Maybe I could convince her to gain 100lbs and start showering in Mountain Dew Code Red and trade ping-pong for Xbox? No, you know what Allison? You’ve got to love her despite her lack of penis and beer gut. Focus on the positives; she’s a super cool stoner lady with a Don’t Give A Fuck attitude, and isn’t that what everybody wants to grow old with?

According to the NY Daily News, Susan Sarandon appeared on Bravo’s Watch What Happens Live last night and discussed how she gets ready for every SAG and Golden Globe award show. Turns out her “glam squad” (Side note from Michael: The flat iron is touching my eyeball!) includes a white dude with dreadlocks named Kai:

During a game of “Plead the Fifth” on “Watch What Happens Live” Wednesday, host Andy Cohen asked Sarandon, “Name one major Hollywood event that you showed up to stoned.”

She replied, “Only one?”

“I would say almost all except the Oscars,” she admitted.

While she didn’t get baked with Cohen and the show’s other guest Ralph Fiennes, they did enjoy a drink or two or three, and maybe even a shot.

I’ve never been to a fancy award show, but I do know people who have (HUMBLE BRRAAAAG) and I’ve been told it’s more boring than being fitted for orthopaedic shoe inserts (something I do know about) so I can’t blame her for choosing to bliss the fuck out in order to get through a 3+ hour long Hollywood actor circle jerk. Sure, in the beginning she was probably just so gosh-darn excited to put on a fancy dress and go to the Golden Globes, but Susan Sarandon is as A-list as it gets now, so her inbox is running at-capacity with the thousands of invitations to Honorary Award this and Lifetime Achievement Award that. Ugh, just imagining reading that many emails has got me anxious enough to eat a 9×9 pan of pot brownies; I don’t know how she does it. Oh wait…weed. Sorry guys, I’m pretty Sarandoned right now.

(Pic via Wenn)

Dianna Agron’s spread for Galore Magazine looks like a low-budget campaign for the Guess outlet that ran in the PennySaver. I love it! – Drunken Stepfather

Taylor Swift hung out with Selena Gomez’s rival Lorde in Melbourne and for a second there I thought Lorde was Harry Styles with a luxurious weave – Lainey Gossip

I watched for Amy Poehler and Billy Eichner, I stayed for that poor child named Arrow – Towleroad

Chelsy Davy did what I would do if I had Prince Hot Ginge’s number – Celebitchy

Backdoor Farrah’s got Christmas all over her face and in a shocking turn of events “Christmas” is not some nickname a porn star gave to his loads – Reality Tea

COURTINA IS BACK! (And now I’m going to cover myself in crack dust and feed myself to Rob Ford, because knowing the names of Courtney Stodden’s alter egos is my rock bottom) – The Superficial

Meagan Good’s exquisite eyebrows get two gold stars, but that dress… – Hollywood Tuna

Katy Perry looks like a low-paid party extra from Woo – Popoholic

Gay Fish & The Hobbit should really be a new show on Comedy Central – Jezebel

Speaking of Gay Fish, Arsenio Hall has a few things to say about his verbal insanity – IDLYITW

Oh look, Teen Mom Jenelle’s mom will soon have another mouth to feed – ICYDK

The Golden Globe nominees react to their nominations and surprisingly none of them said, “I’m going to give my nomination to Oprah, because that’s what GOD would want me to do” – Popsugar

I only watch Naked & Afraid for the man ass. Doesn’t everybody? – (NSFW) OMG Blog

Sofia Vergara ain’t ashamed of her hustle game – HuffPo

Tom Hardy in a trench and bow tie. The end. – Just Jared

“Meh, I’ve seen bigger crustaceans crawling out of my crotch” said every dude who’s been with Wonky McValtrex – SOW

Channing Tatum went to the beach, kept his top on… There’s something wrong about that statement – I’m Not Obsessed

Whatever store the Capitol people from The Hunger Games buy their clothes from had a clearance sale and Rita Ora went crazy at it – Moe Jackson