Ryan Gosling and Russell Crowe are still shooting a movie together. Whenever their movie comes out, you can expect Ryan Gosling to campaign hard for an Oscar by saying that he really fugged himself up and messed with his pretty for the sake of the role. He’ll have a point. I mean, look at that soul patch – Lainey Gossip

Alessandra Ambrosio is wearing bikinis in a magazine. This has happened before and it will happen again. – Drunken Stepfather

Julianne Moore doesn’t believe in God. Okay, but then who is she going to thank when she wins the Oscar???!!!? – Celebitchy

Tila Tequila let Backdoor Farrah have her AVN Award for Best Celebrity Sex Tape, because she’s holding out for a Mother of the Year Award. I’m not being sarcastic. – WWTDD

Bravo is queefing up a show that looks, sounds and smells like Real Housewives of New Jersey but isn’t Real Housewives of New Jersey – Reality Tea

The 80s child inside of me screamed for about a millisecond, because I thought Alessandra Ambrosio was wearing a Hypercolor jacket – Hollywood Tuna

A gay blow job is why Ben Affleck and Matt Damon sold Good Will Hunting to Harvey Weinstein – Towleroad

If Sir Mix-A-Lot was the Secretary of Defense, this is what the average US soldier would look like – The Superficial

Selena Gomez went hitchhiking and hopefully the person who picked her up drove her directly to the nearest mental hospital where she was treated for her addiction to douches (see: Justin Bieber) – Popoholic

Kim Kardashian took a selfie in a public bathroom and the urinal jokes write themselves – IDLYITW

The Ted 2 trailer is here – Pajiba

And when you scroll down to the picture of Parasite Hilton, try not to scream, “Bite that trick, BITE HER,” too loud – The Berry

In case you had any doubt, yes, Courtney Love used heroin while knocked up – HuffPo

And here’s another picture of Nikki Reed’s engagement ring which doesn’t look like an engagement ring – Popsugar

Just call her FKA RiRi from now on – ICYDK

How To Enter A Room Like The Bad Bitch You Are: A Training Course by Cookie Lyon – Gawker

I can almost hear Wisconsin saying, “Just give me the tip, Michigan, Just the tip.” – SOW

About two weeks after I moved to NYC, I went out with some dude I met on the Internet. We went to a bar and sometime during the date, we were talking about movies and he asked me what my favorite was. I told him the usual, Showgirls and Angel. I asked him what his was and he spit out some movie called Monkey Shines. I had never heard of that shit before and he went on to tell me that it’s his favorite, because there’s a scene where Stanley Tucci is wearing nothing but a towel. I think his tip got extra moist when he said that. That opened up a can of Tucci. He went on to tell me that Stanley Tucci is his dream dude and he once dated a German guy who looked like a taller Stanley Tucci. The Tucci-a-like barely spoke English and my date barely spoke German. They had a hard time talking to each other, but they dated for over a year, because but my date just couldn’t break up with him since he looked like Stanley Tucci so much. He probably talked about Stanley Tucci for a good 20 minutes. I get it, Stanley Tucci is hot. I’d hit it until we both needed medical attention. But maybe you should want until date 2 to let me know you’re a Tuccihead. So when I read this news about Stanley Tucci being a dad again, I pictured my date from 14 years ago screaming, “It should’ve been meeeeee,” while sliding against his bedroom wall covered in shirtless Tucci pictures.

Stanley Tucci and his wife of about two years Felicity Blunt, who is a literary agent and Emily Blunt’s sister, are now parents to a boy. The Tucci Blunt baby was born on Sunday in London. This kid is Felicity Blunt’s first and Stanley’s fourth (he has 14-year-old twins and a 12-year-old daughter with his late wife Kate who died from breast cancer in 2009). Stanley’s rep gave this jokey statement to People:

“I believe he is mine. We are all thrilled to welcome him to this cold, cruel world. We are all thrilled that he is here and healthy.”

Stanley and Felicity named their son Matteo Oliver. Matteo Oliver is a normal and not-at-all crazy name, but if I was him I wouldn’t go by Matteo Oliver. I’d go by my parents’ last names, because Tucci Blunt is a way better and more glamorous name. It sounds like the name of a drag queen rapper.

And here’s Matteo Oliver’s auntie and uncle, Emily Blunt and John Kransinski, with their baby at the farmer’s market in L.A. over the weekend.

Pics: Wenn.com

Dakota Johnson’s face is the face I make when I’m about to gobble down a Triple Steak Stack and a Cinnabon iced coffee from Taco Bell.

Jamie Dornan’s face is the face I make an hour later when all that Taco Bell has attacked my bowels in a bad way and I’m a fart away from letting it all go and there’s not one available toilet nearby.

The new Edward and Bella, Jamie Dornan and Dakota Johnson, are on the cover of Glamour giving off the sexual chemistry of a dead Tilapia and a taxidermied squirrel. If John Travolta and Rojo Caliente made a porn together, they would have more hot sexual chemistry than these two. It’s as if thirty seconds before that picture was taken, Jamie Dornan’s assistant told him that his puppy was murdered, Betty White is in jail for doing it, Orange is the New Black was canceled, a reboot of Showgirls starring Ariana Grande and Meghan Trainor was announced, Andy Capp Hot Fries filed for bankruptcy and he found out that he just lost a bunch of money on his car insurance by switching to Geico. It’s like he got the worst news ever all at once and then had to pose with her.

This was probably the exact moment when he realized that every magazine will call him “Fifty Shades of Grey star Jamie Dornan” for the rest of his life!

via ONTD

Former frosted-tipped douche fashion vanguard and current panty model David Beckham appeared on Jimmy Kimmel Live! on Wednesday night to talk about being a delicate-voiced DILF or something, and Jimmy Kimmel made a sarcastic joke about how he’s really let himself go since retiring from soccer in 2013. However, what Jimmy didn’t know is that his joke about being a fat would hit a little too close to home.

David confessed that after he recently took a bath with his 3-year-old daughter Harper Seven Eight Nine Beckham, she looked at her grotesque lardass of a father and hissed: “Daddy, I love you so much, but I don’t like you, you’re so chubby.” Yeah, are we sure it wasn’t actually Victoria Beckham throwing her voice while hiding behind a toothbrush? “Oooh, Daddy, it looks like you’ve gained 1/16th of a stone, you hideous slob. No more lemon and water smoothies for you, tubby.” Or maybe she was just delivering a subtle message from Auntie Anna Wintour. “Harper, I’ll put your mommy and daddy on the cover of American VOGUE, but daddy needs to lose a couple pounds first, capiche?”

You can hear the story of Harper fat-shaming her naked father at the 0:24 mark:

He also went on to talk about how he’s basically an Uber driver now that he’s retired. That’s probably why Harper read his ass in the bath – she was just getting him back for the terrible service she received the last time he drove her to nursery school. That’s what you get for forgetting to offer your passenger a bottle of water, David!

Here’s Harper’s so chubby daddy on his way into Jimmy Kimmel Live! last night:

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

It must be Asshole Redemption Week on Ellen. You’re up next, Charlie Sheen.

Kanye West was on Ellen today to do two things: Show his video for “Only One” and suck on Adidas’ ass lips skin while talking about his deal with them. Between doing that, Kanye talked about his past asshole-ish behavior and he also changed the world by actually smiling! I bet the people in every old castle painting on the planet are smiling too. Kanye told Ellen that one thing he’s learned while being married is how to shut up. Being around a Kardashian will do that to you. They are always talking and nearly everything they say makes you want to barf, so you have to keep your lips firmly shut or you’ll vomit all the time.

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Richie Rich’s bratty new-money Canadian cousin Justin Bieber learned a very valuable lesson last Christmas: if you act like a shitty little asshole all year, Santa will put your ass on the naughty list and stuff your stocking full of reindeer turds and dry cleaning coupons. So to make sure he doesn’t get put on the naughty list again this year and ensure that Santa brings him the Pooch Patrol he wants, Justin Bieber is doing everything he can to convince us he’s no longer a lil’ asshole troublemaker, including filming a creepy video (in what appears to be a crawlspace or the bottom of a well or the only room in his clubhouse without a working light) claiming that he’s not a lil’ asshole and he never was – he was just pretending to be a lil’ asshole.

Justin Bieber filmed this video shortly after the Justin Bieber: I’m A Good Boy Now tour made a stop at Ellen for the taping of Ellen DeGeneres’ birthday episode yesterday and a clip of him acting all weird and awkward like a guilty toddler hit the internet. But Justin says he was just nervous because he was afraid people would be at home judging him and he didn’t want to come off “arrogant or conceited”. Yeah, too fucking late.

He also got all ~deep~ by talking about how he’s done “pretending” to be someone he’s not, and that he’s not actually an awful come-to-life canker sore. Basically, the brat that terrorized 2014 was actually just Justin’s interpretation of a brat. According to Justin, the real Justin is “kind and loving and gentle and soft”. I knew it! I knew he was technically still a baby! Here’s lil’ baby Justin on Ellen making strange with Ellen and making me want to barf by talking about his CK baby bits ads: