The Witness Protection Program is really underfunded. – Beezers

Upvote winner:

Michael outwits PHG Security. – Texndoc

Pic: Break

R Joy, the only good thing to come out of Donald Trump’s campaign!

Ever since I started following @rjoyourjoy1919 on Twitter, my timeline has become an endless cornucopia of wisdom, glamour and potent poetry. R Joy is a rising Twitter STAH, and as Paper points out, she’s a delicate Florida blossom whose stem is covered with thorns that will cut you if you mess with her. It seems like Joy tweets non-stop, all day, every day. When she’s not tweeting inspirational videos, she’s re-tweeting tweets from her loyal disciples who need her advice on everything.

The only things I really know about the Trump Girl of 2016 is that she’s from the greatest state in the country, Florida, she’s 47 years old, she weighs 108 pounds, she’s a naturalized US citizen, she can DJ like no other, she has sweet moves and she loves Adele dance remixes. In her many, many videos, Joy goes in on the losers, tells you how now to be a loser and yodels out gorgeous songs about losers. I’ll let Joy and her videos speak for themselves. These videos may make you say, “So that’s what happened to that perfect jewel Cynthia from Priscilla!”

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Pic: The Riker Brothers

Today in YAAASSSsssssSSSssss: Julianne Moore ruled Cannes by wearing a twin King Cobra titty dress that made her look like a ruthless bond villainess from the late 70s – Lainey Gossip

What do you even call that piece of jewelry on Greer Grammer? A titty chain? A cleavage charm? Oh, whatever, I’ll just call it what it is: elegant – Drunken Stepfather 

Koryea Kardashian is probably going to be a boy – Celebitchy

Two things Amber Portwood has never heard of: condoms and Turbo Tax – Reality Tea 

This is what Bella Hadid’s ass looks like in a bikini – The Superficial 

Chrissy Teigen is giving me “lot lizard going to a jackets-required restaurant” glamour – The Nip Slip

Deadpool got an “honest” trailer – IDLYITW

I thought I saw a lady’s head flying through the sky last night, and now I know it was one of the One Million Moms who lost her mind after watching Nylie DiMarco get into some topless gay dancing on Dancing with the Stars – Towleroad

Why am I just finding out that there’s peen in Banshee? – OMG Blog

Miley Cyrus or Lady CaCa? – Just Jared

I see Bella Thorne trying to gain some Plushie fans by making eyes at that skunk stuffed animal – Popoholic

If you ever need a reason to hate America, here’s one: AMC didn’t show Tom Hiddleston’s bare ass! – Jezebel

PUPPEH!!! (And Julianne Hough too, I guess) – Hollywood Tuna 

My new favorite French comedian burned Woody Allen to his face – HuffPo

Damn, I guess time’s are tough for the Fantanas – Popsugar

“Okay, but please don’t try to ‘honor’ me by playing the guitar,” said Prince’s ghost after finding out that Madge will pay tribute to him at the Billboard Awards – Boy Culture

And if you haven’t voted for Hot Slut of the Month yet, vote now! And if you have, vote again! 

Pic: Wenn.com

Today was day 3 of the Invictus Games in Orlando, FL and after the swimming relay team from Britain won the gold medal, they all gathered around and got Prince Hot Ginge wet. I’m going to keep from commenting on that picture, because Dlisted is already blocked in a lot of places for being HIGHLY inappropriate, and if I describe that pic, this mess of a site will definitely be labeled as 100% porn. So I’ll just leave that beautiful picture here. But I will say that you should be grateful that it’s a digital picture and that I didn’t give you a hard copy. Because if it was a hard copy, you’d definitely have to clean it with antibacterial Windex. You know, you should go ahead and spray your screen with antibacterial Windex anyway. Just in case.

Pics: AP, Splash, Getty

“Is that bitch over there also wearing a choker? Chokers are my thing. Didn’t she get the memo that I’m totally edgy and cool now?”

As Michael reported last month, the home-made Debbie Harry Barbie doll known formally as Taylor Swift received the Taylor Swift Award at the BMI Pop Awards last night. And this is what she wore to collect her award. I know that Taylor Swift recently discovered Tumblr’s interpretation of the ’90s, but there is such a thing as leaning in too hard. It’s like Taylor had a ’90s style checklist and wouldn’t leave the house until it was completely covered in glitter gel pen ink. Velvet slip dress? Check! Vaguely ’90s floral print? Check! Black choker? Check! Sun-In fried hair? Check! Transformation into a model from Delia’s 1997 prom catalog completed!

At least Taylor Swift is self-aware enough to realize how ridiculous it is that Taylor Swift – who took home 10 trophies last night – won the Taylor Swift Award. While accepting her award, Taylor made a joke about how ~awkward~ it would have been if BMI had given it to somebody else.

BMI created an award called The Taylor Swift Award because BMI is very very nice 😘

A video posted by Taylor Swift (@taylorswift) on May 11, 2016 at 1:08pm PDT

“Ha ha ha ha ha no but seriously, ‘bummed’ doesn’t even begin to describe how screwed you would have been. Taylor Swift has a lot of very expensive lawyers, and she isn’t afraid to use them. Ask anyone on Etsy – if you create something with Taylor Swift’s name on it, it belongs to Taylor Swift.”

Here’s more of Taylor looking like she got lost on her way to an audition for a L’Oreal Rouge Pulp commercial.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com