The video for Kendra Wilkinson’s spaceship wreck of a song “Lost In Space“!

Danger, Will Robinson! Danger! Pure fuckery head! If you haven’t done your usual Monday morning ritual of mainlining coffee into your veins before snorting six lines of crushed-up Vivarin and butt chugging a bottle of Monster, you should do it now and double it up. Because your brain is going to need some serious mood-altering shit to take in the song that the dead-voiced chanteuse Kendra Wilkinson queefed up.

Usually when a talentless reality trick puts out a song, they do it at the height of their fame, so Kendra is about 10 years too late. But I guess it’s really never too late for foolery. In the video for Kendra’s song “Lost In Space,” which has the production values of a low-budget Lost In Space porn parody, she plays a slutty martian and a slutty space cadet who terrorizes Dr. Zachary Smith and Will Robinson with her dance moves and monotone singing voice. A Speak & Spell with almost-dead batteries has more human emotion in its voice than Kendra does while singing this shit. Not even 13 Holly Madisons could clean up this mess:

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X3BWGxnnaDk

With that being said, that intergalactic turd is way more entertaining than a lot of the performances that happened on the Billboard Music Awards last night.

Dame Joan Collins (83)
Heidi Range (33)
Lane Garrison (36)
Kelly Monaco (40)
Ken Jennings (42)
Jewel (42)
Maxwell (43)
Eric Nies (45)
Matt Flynn (46)
Guinevere Turner (48)
H. Jon Benjamin (50)
Melissa McBride (51)
Tom Tykwer (51)
Karen Duffy (54)
Linden Ashby (56)
Lea DeLaria (58)
Drew Carey (58)
Linda Thompson (66)
Charles Kimbrough (80)

Since current day Madge lives for giving the public several servings of her nalgitas, I was secretly hoping that her Prince tribute at tonight’s Billboard Music Awards would be nothing but her dancing to “Get Off” in his legendary ass-less yellow ensemble as Diamond and Pearl dropped it low around her. But instead of doing that, Madge decided to shove her live vocals into our ear drums while doing a 2am karaoke version of “Nothing Compares 2 U” and “Purple Rain.”

The good news is that Stevie Wonder helped Madge out and she dressed like a pimp-fied Liberace going to a gay child’s christening in the springtime (and that IS the look). The bad news is that she didn’t take a page out of Brit Brit’s performing live handbook by lip-synching.

I’m surprised that Prince didn’t drop down from heaven, snatch the mic out of Madge’s hand and just do it himself.

After the rumor was spit onto the Internet about how Kesha was going to use her Billboard Music Awards performance to make a “statement” and shit all over Dr. Luke (who she’s currently suing to get out of her contract), he put a stop to it and forbade her from going on the show. You know, because he’s the Ursula to her Ariel. But when she said that she just wanted to pay tribute to Bob Dylan and wasn’t going to mention Dr. Luke’s name or existence at all, he unlocked her shackles and allowed her ass to perform.

So while dressed like a Lisa Frank Colonel Sanders and working The Albino’s hairstyle, Kesha yodeled out Bob Dylan’s “It Ain’t Me Babe” with Ben Folds at the Billboard Music Awards tonight:

I’m actually disappointed that Kesha didn’t go rogue and wheel out a Dr. Luke scarecrow before torching it on fire and hitting it with a bat. Oh well, maybe at the next awards show.

And here’s Kesha dressed like the member of a Prince tribute mariachi band:

Pics: Getty, Splash

Never mind the Blair Waldorf look-alike on the left (who is finally letting out a stuck fart) and the sneaky Bjork look-alike on the right (who just emptied a box of Lemonheads into her mouth). The real star of that picture is Brit Brit Spears who brought about as much excitement to the Billboard Music Awards as an over-steamed green bean brings to your mouth.

Brit Brit got the Millennium Award (whatever that is) at the BM Awards tonight and she opened up the show with a medley of her songs. My drunk, middle-aged uncle who doesn’t know any Brit Brit Spears songs by heart would’ve done a better job of lip-synching than she did, but who cares?! It’s Brit Brit!

Who cares if a book in any Kartrashian’s house gets more use than that mic Brit is wearing does? Who cares if Brit Brit has the energy of a Roomba that has about 2% of power in it? Who cares if she looks like she would rather be eating giant spoonfuls of grits NOT made with Velveeta? Who cares about any of that! It’s Brit Brit and she still moved her mouth a couple of times and gave us a violent weave tornado by whipping her head around.

It’s wrong of me to accuse Brit Brit of lip-synching. It’s obvious that she’s singing live and her  vocals just so happen to sound exactly like the original studio recordings of her songs (with auto-tune). Queen of Live Singing!

And here’s Brit Brit wearing Frederick’s of Hollywood’s version of Storm from X-Men’s costume while posing like a nervous 6-year-old on picture day.

Pics: Splash, Getty

Cannes is FINALLY over! Dear lord, that felt like a fucking lifetime. Between Blake Lively parading around in discount fabrics and Kristen Stewart pushing what felt like fourteen movies, I thought it would never end. Thankfully, between the twits and the twats we get injections of true artistry. Our eyes are treated to the elegance that is Elena Lenina and her subtly sexual hair thanks to Cannes, so suffering some KStew seems like a fair price to pay. And now, we have Larisa Katz.

Larisa, like Elena, is Russian, so we now know where all the glamour lives. She’s a designer and loves to bring FASHUN and fuckery-fueled fashion to events. At last night’s, premiere of The Salesman, Larisa was gracious enough to close out Cannes in this truly stunning, hand-crafted (as in Michaels crafts and glue guns) golden ram look. I say gracious because she clearly wanted to give us all something to remember other than the weak looks the Blakes and the Kristens chose to bore and offend us with. Larisa showed us that all you need to create a look straight out of a community theater production of The Wiz is to string together a bunch of flattened bundt cake pans with wires. And for that, I thank you, Larisa Katz.

And for those of you who may care, here’s a list of this Cannes year’s winners. Spoiler alert! Kristen Stewart did not win for her next-level blinking in Personal Shopper.

Pics: Splash, Getty