After the accident, we found what we thought was sliced pepperoni on the floor mat. – chuckfromct

Upvote winner:

I told you not to get the BJ in the cafeteria yesterday. – OurMissC

Pic: Tosh.0

The fruit salad that Pee-wee Herman married on Pee-wee’s Playhouse!

Every single time someone says, “I just love this and that so much,” I either have to shove my only response back into the dinged-up, rusty file cabinet in my head, or I just let it go and spit out, “Well, then why don’t you fucking marry it?” Every now and again, I’ll say it to someone whose brain is also powered by TV shows from the 80s and 90s, and they’ll hit me back with, “I think I will!” It’s times like those when I wish I got ordained on the Internet and kept a tiny white veil in my pocket at all times, because I wish I could marry their asses.

On the “Pajama Party” episode of the second season of Pee-wee’s Playhouse, he took the “If you love it so much, why don’t you marry it joke?” to levels of legal matrimony by marrying that a bowl of fruit salad in a stunning ceremony. This was in the mid-80s when the idea of same-sex marriage happening was on par with the idea of Prince not outliving us all. Some of us growns now think that Pee-wee was making a political statement with that wedding and telling us chirrun to just be with who you love. But while doing journalistic research for this long-time-coming HSOTD, I found a quote that Paul Reubens gave to Rolling Stone in 2014. He said that he didn’t write anything to make a political statement. His goal was just to do funny shit for kids:

“I really love kids. I’m always knocked out by kids, how funny they are and what they appreciate. The greatest moments in the writing room were always when myself or someone else would come up with something that would make us say: This is going to make a 6-year-old fall off the couch. It was so much fun and so rewarding to do something where the goal was to just make kids laugh, entertain them and show them a world that embraces creativity and nonconformity.”

Lies! I refuse to believe that and I will forever believe that Pee-wee’s spouse, Fruit Salad Herman, was a major part of the marriage equality movement!

Bob Dylan (75)
Maru (9)
Lohanthony (17)
Billy Gilman (28)
Mark Ballas (30)
Bryan Greenberg (38)
Prince Poppycock (38 or 39)
Will Sasso (41)
Carl Anthony Payne II (47)
John C. Reilly (51)
Kristin Scott Thomas (56)
Roseanne Cash (61)
Alfred Molina (63)
Sybil Danning (64)
Jim Broadbent (67)
Priscilla Presley (71)
Patti Labelle (72)
Tommy Chong (78)

One barista at Starbucks told Helen Hunt that they didn’t need her name because they got her (wink wink) and then they wrote her name down as “Jody,” as in Foster. Meanwhile, Samuel L. Jackson feels no pity for Helen Hunt as he looks down as his Venti latte with the name “Laurence” written on it – HuffPo

Pink went flying through the air during her Billboard Music Awards performance, and that’s not surprising, because Pink. But why was she done up like that? Isn’t her song for that Alice Through The Looking Glass movie? Pink looked more like a hipster version of a flying monkey in a Silver Lake community theater production of Wizard of Oz – Lainey Gossip 

Mad Mel’s got another young piece he can scream at to blow him before Jacuzzi – Celebitchy

Um, excuse you, Lindsay Lohan, but that butterfly one piece belongs on Mimi, not you! – Drunken Stepfather

Kim Kartrashian’s dress looks like it’s covered with sparkly, embossed diarrhea – Reality Tea

Whoopi Goldberg is producing a reality show about transgender models – Instinct

Ashley Graham is Joe Jonas’ girlfriend in some music video  – The Superficial

David Walliams gay’d it up for a wet, topless acrobat on Britain’s Got Talent, and some weren’t happy about it – Towleroad

So, it looks like IN THIS ECONOMY, Disney re-used the Cinderella sets for their live-action Beauty and the Beast movie – Jezebel

The Slow One wore a leather diaper to host a party in Las Vegas – Egotastic!

Here’s Hailee Steinfeld in a two-piece – Popoholic

The Difficult Brown didn’t like a picture of his daughter in a tutu, so he re-posted to his millions of followers, because he’s smart like that – Starcasm

My vote for the next Bond goes to the pussy in a box – Pajiba

Fergie’s suffocating chichis look like they’re about to turn blue and pass out – Hollywood Tuna

Madge defended her Prince tribute after BET threw some shade at her, and that’s great and everything, but where is Sinead O’Connor! I need Sinead’s thoughts about this NOW! – Just Jared

Pimp Mama Kris wants to change her last name to Kardashian again because she was the original Kardashian! I think that’s her way of saying that she’s a 4,000-year-old vampire who is immortal thanks to selling her soul to Satan and she was the first person on the planet with the last name Kardashian. Makes sense  – Popsugar

Pic: @HelenHunt

Sadly, Elijah Wood didn’t exactly give up new information when he said that Hollywood can be a magnet for disgusting pedos. But during an interview with The London Times (via The Guardian) about the Jimmy Savile case, Elijah said that when he was a child actor in Hollywood, there were parties where pedophiles would prey on youngins. Elijah said that he was never a victim, because his mom wouldn’t let him go to parties, but he knows that many of his fellow child actors were victims.

Jimmy Savile, who’s dead now, was a BBC host who was accused of abusing hundreds of children. Elijah told The London Times that Hollywood also has a major child-touching problem and the city is covered with pedo rings. Elijah said this:

“You all grew up with Savile. Jesus, it must have been devastating. Clearly something major was going on in Hollywood. It was all organised. There are a lot of vipers in this industry – people who only have their own interests in mind.

There is darkness in the underbelly. If you can imagine it, it’s probably happened.”

Of course, nothing really happens to the pedos, because they are in a position of power and can make the accusations disappear:

“That’s the tragedy of attempting to reveal what is happening to innocent people. They can be squashed, but their lives have been irreparably damaged.”

A few years ago, Corey Feldman basically said the same thing. He said that Hollywood’s biggest problem is pedophiles and they’ve gotten away with it for so long that they think they’re unstoppable.

Remember when Daryl Hannah used her own money to do that human trafficking documentary? She needs to team up with Elijah and Corey and together, they need to crash those parties and expose that trash. “They can start by paying a visit to Bryan Singer’s house,” said everybody.

Pic: Wenn.com

It’s been about two weeks since the definition of random found itself a new favorite couple in Jenny Slate and Chris Evans. Jenny supposedly pulled her vagine off of her husband of 4 years and dropped it on Captain America’s crotch torch. They met while working on a movie together last year and have been a thing since at least March. Well, have they decided to completely ruin their new relationship by making a greedy, needy human who will keep them up all night and spit up all over them? Page Six has reason to believe that they have!

On Saturday morning, Jenny tweeted that she had the barfs. Jenny is 34 years old and when a woman her age gets the sicks, it could mean only one of two things: Either she listened to Blake and Gwen’s duet, or she’s in the family way! Page Six thinks it may be the latter:

I woke up in the middle of the night all sweaty& then barfed for no reason. In conclusion: I'm 7?

— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 21, 2016

Yes I was up all night throwing up but now I feel DOUBLE JOY for feeling better& walking through beautiful Brooklyn on a Saturday. Hiyeee!

— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 21, 2016

Sure, you could say that Jenny just had the flu, or whatever, but she’s doing Captain America and I’m sure his dick leche has all kinds of minerals and vitamins in it. It’s probably like getting DP’d by a box of Emergen-C and a bottle of Centrum. You never get sick as long as you keep doing him. Jenny seemed to spit on the rumors of her being pregnant this morning by tweeting this:

Very excited to once again work so closely w @GillianHardG & @bettyholm that we start having our periods at the same time. Nature is magic.

— jenny slate (@jennyslate) May 23, 2016

I think that just means that she already had Baby America. The gestation period of a superhero fetus is really, really short and I’m sure she already had Cap’s baby and now they’re raising it in secret. I mean, secret babies are so now.

Pics: Wenn.com