Open Post: Hosted By Sammy Jo Dancing Us Into 2017
I’ve posted the legendary clip from Dynasty of Sammy Josephine Dean Carrington serving up some husband-stealing sweet moves at a stuffy party before, but I’m posting it again, because everybody should watch it before their New Year’s Eve begins.
Not only is this pucker-inducing clip a tutorial on how to make everyone in the room take off their wedding rings and propose marriage to you, it’s also a tutorial on DANCE! Nobody should ever take Maroon 5 seriously, because that Moves Like Jagger song should’ve been Moves Like Sammy Jo.
If you find yourself having a boring ass time tonight and want to liven that bitch up, do what Sammy Jo did and tell the band to hit it before swirling out moves that will make half of the room combust into a geyser of jizz and the other half hit you with jealous glares. I’ll be spending my New Year’s Eve on a plane, so there’s a slight chance you may hear about a drunk gay getting dragged off of a plane by a regular Alexis Carrington (aka an air marshal) after refusing to stop Sammy Jo’ing in the middle of the aisle.
And all of us are hoping that 2017 won’t be nearly as awful as the Port-A-Potty fire that 2016 was. It’ll probably be worse, but let’s forget about that for now and instead get hypnotized by Sammy Jo spreading sex on a dance floor. Happy New Year!
In “Your Mileage May Vary” News, Beyonce Might Have Told Off Kim Kardashian
This item comes to us via Radar, so, there’s your salt shaker. All you need is a grain.
A “source” from the Kim Kardashian and Kanye West side of the tracks claims that Beyonce allegedly read Kim her rights during a harsh phone call. Pfff, like Beyonce even uses something as common as a “phone.” All her messages are sent by burning bush or global flood.
Azaelia Banks Went In On Sia For Protesting Her Chicken Murdering
Perma-troll Azealia Banks decided to cap off everyone’s dismal 2016 by Snapchatting evidence that she’s been sacrificing chickens in her home for several years under the auspices of religion. You can watch THAT authentic-looking mess here.
Justin Bieber Trolled Ronda Rousey For Losing A Match Again
Irritating shithead Justin Bieber is probably in a pissy mood from looking like this in public, and allegedly decided to take it out on UFC celebrity Ronda Rousey, according to Complex. Ronda lost a match on Friday night and Canada’s Least Wanted apparently took to his Fisher-Price smartphone to tug at her jillstrap, again.
Some Parents Think Hatchimals Are Vocally Horny
Imagine you were one of the lucky parents who were able to get their mitts on a Hatchimal this past Christmas season. You get it home, put it under the tree, the kid wakes up, thinks he or she is Santa’s very special snowflake, and puts the Hatchimal to work. “Hatch for us!” the children cry. “FUCK ME“, the Hatchimal responds.
At least this seems to be the case for Victoria, Canada’s Sarah and Nick Galego.
Sia Is Getting Divorced
Ringing in the new year isn’t going to be very jubilant for wig-faced superstar pop songstress Sia.
TMZ is reporting that the woman who has written pretty much every song you’ve heard on pop radio in the last several years, has officially filed for divorce from her husband, Erik Lang.