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Open Post: Hosted By A Sheep On A Trampoline
At this point, who hasn’t wanted to bounce the fuck right out of 2020? Take a lesson from Bammie, the adorable Dutch sheep who discovered a trampoline in their owner’s backyard and proceeded to entertain themselves for hours (I bet Bammie is still at it, as we speak). Something about the smooth, hypnotic rhythm of those leaps means that I’ve now got the rest of my weekend planned.
Brad Pitt’s Girlfriend, Nicole Poturalski, Doesn’t Understand Why People Leave Her Mean Comments
Brad Pitt’s model girlfriend (although, are they even a thing anymore?), Nicole Poturalski, is continuing to create rippling waves of rage across the internet because some “haters” are now leaving bitter comments on her social media pages––and she doesn’t understand why. Yes, Nicole is just realizing that the internet can be mean after breaking many famous and famous-ish people’s #1 rule: Do Not Read The Comments!
Bill Burr’s “Saturday Night Live” Monologue Divided The Internet, Or Something
Comedian Bill Burr hosted Saturday Night Live last night (with Jack White filling in as musical guest after that country nobody Morgan Wallen was dropped for acting a COVID fool), and his opening monologue gave some a case of the cringes and others a case of of the slow claps. Bill went in on cancel culture and anti-maskers and wondered why Pride Month gets June while Black History Month gets the short month of February. Bill also had things to say about white women, so he just replaced a mandatory mask sign as “Karen” enemy #1.
Open Post: Hosted By Jeff Goldblum Recreating That Shirtless Scene From “Jurassic Park”
As BuzzFeed points out, Jeff Goldblum has mercifully recreated that nipples-out scene above––from 1993’s Jurassic Park. Jeff updated it to 2020 standards, throwing in some salt and pepper (mostly salt) hair and just a peek of nipple.
Phil Collins is Evicting His Ex-Wife From The House She Lives In (Which Is Also His House)
Phil Collins (who is partly responsible for that Emily In Paris mess since he did procreate Lily Collins) is fighting with his third ex-wife, Orianne Cevey, who is apparently still living in HIS house, despite the two divorcing in 2008––Orianne has even married and divorced another guy since then. Jennifer Coolidge better work on slathering her face with as much highlighter as possible because she’s perfect for the role of Orianne when this tale gets turned into a scripted series for the USA Network.
Cardi B Refuses To Let Her Fans Bad-Mouth Her Estranged Husband Offset
Now, there’s standing by your man, and then there’s standing the fuck up and threatening to beat the shit out of any trick who’s got a bad word to say about your man. Unsurprisingly, Cardi B––who has been known to throw shoes from across the room at her enemies––is taking a page from the latter (hell, Cardi B practically invented the latter). Despite filing for divorce last month from her cheating husband, Migos rapper Offset, Cardi is reminding Twitter that she is the only one allowed to cuss him out.