Chelsea Handler Is Drowning Her Sorrows In A Bathtub Full Of Vodka… (UPDATE)

……Well, Chelsea Handler drowns her sorrows in a bathtub full of vodka every morning, because it’s part of her daily beauty regimen, but today she has another reason to drown her sorrows in a bathtub full of vodka. CBS just announced that the ho who will slide onto David Letterman’s chair after he farts on it for one last time won’t be Chelsea Handler, Jimmy Kimmel, Conan O’Brien, Ellen DeGeneres, Tina Fey, Jon Stewart or Grumpy Cat. It’ll be Stephen Colbert. Here’s a piece of the announcement that CBS burped up:

The CBS Television Network today announced that Stephen Colbert, the host, writer and executive producer of the Emmy and Peabody Award-winning “The Colbert Report,” will succeed David Letterman as the host of THE LATE SHOW, effective when Mr. Letterman retires from the broadcast. The five-year agreement between CBS and Colbert was announced by Leslie Moonves, President and CEO, CBS Corporation, and Nina Tassler, Chairman of CBS Entertainment.

“Stephen Colbert is one of the most inventive and respected forces on television,” said Moonves. “David Letterman’s legacy and accomplishments are an incredible source of pride for all of us here, and today’s announcement speaks to our commitment of upholding what he established for CBS in late night.”

“Simply being a guest on David Letterman’s show has been a highlight of my career,” said Colbert. “I never dreamed that I would follow in his footsteps, though everyone in late night follows Dave’s lead.”

Adding, “I’m thrilled and grateful that CBS chose me. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I have to go grind a gap in my front teeth.”

And by “grind a gap in my front teeth” he meant “chip my front tooth as I dive into the pool of gold coins that CBS gave me!”

I guess this means, RIP The Colbert Report. “We did it! We did it!” – Suey Park the godmother of that #CancelColbert shit

UPDATE: Showbiz411 says that Chelsea Handler will most likely take over for Craig Ferguson as host of The Late Late Show. And I hope that Heather McDonald’s long boobs will take Chelsea’s spot on E!.