Evan Ross And Ashlee Simpson Are Still Doing It

I don’t even know what I meant by “it.” Call the paparazzi together? Sharing jeans? Practicing their precious puckers in the mirror together?

Here’s Evan Ross and Asshole Simpson at LAX today a couple of hours after they took advantage of the WiFi on Virgin America by emailing the paps their exact landing time. Never mind that Evan Ross looks like a casual Friday Morpheus, Diana Ross is going to rip off her wig and slap that douchey bow tie beard off of his chin for dragging her ass into the jacked up Simpson family. Diana Ross did not become Diana Ross so she could sit at the Thanksgiving table and slap away Papa Joe’s moist paw while he tries to play grab-ass with her son.

But Evan Moss did make me sway to the side and catch myself a bit with that pruned eyebrow peeking out of his sunglasses.

Pics: Splash

From The WTF Jukebox: Day Above Ground’s “Asian Girlz”

I didn’t know Aaryn from Big Brother was a songwriter too!

If LFO and The Lonely Island slid themselves into the head of that racist UCLA wreck to write a parody song about Asian girls for SNL, it would probably sound a lot like Day Above Ground’s “Asian Girlz.”  I really kept waiting for the lost member of Nickelback (aka the lead singer) to rip off his face and reveal that he’s really Andy Samberg, but it never happened.

If you haven’t heard of Day Above Ground, you will definitely hear more from them thanks to such poetic lyrics as “I love your sticky rice, buttfucking all night” and “it’s the Year of the Dragon, ninja pussy I’m stabbin’.” After this song and video got a whole lot of shit thrown at it, the girl in it, model Levy Tran, apologized on  Twitter and the band farted out this explanation:

This song is us, Day Above Ground, making fun of ourselves (and many, many other guys) obsession with the always lovely, Asian Woman. It pushes this concept to an absurd level, but at the same time is endearing & submissive.. WE ARE NOT RACIST, HAHA! I mean, look at our band, it’s multicultural!! The guy in the bow-tie, our cutie bass player, was born in Indonesia, and he steals the show!! Please don’t take this tongue-in-cheek tribute to some of the most gorgeous women on the planet too seriously!! You’ll ruin the fun of it all!! Thanks for watching, sincerely!!

You know, it is kind of poetic that she uses them as dildos at the end.

Not only is this song a mess, but they left out something major. At the end, they shout out all the most Asian towns in Southern California and yet they failed to shout out my hometown of Rowland Heights, which has been called the Little Taipei of the San Gabriel Valley. FOR SHAME! (Wait, maybe it’s a good thing that they left it out.)

Afternoon Crumbs

Rashida Jones and Rob Lowe are leaving Parks and Rec. Since this is the 3rd show Rob Lowe has left, he continues to be that TV slut who leaves shows crying lonely tears into their white sheets. I hope this means he’s going to do Dr. Jack Startz: THE SHOW! – ICYDK

Eva Longoria’s “Eat It, George Clooney” tour hits Spain – Lainey Gossip

Paul Haggis is here to tell you that he’s got Leah Remini’s back and to also remind you that Scientologists are crazier than a tweaker playing Simon – The Superficial

Harry Styles from One Direction and I have something in common. We’re both not bi-sexual! – Towleroad

Lily Aldridge’s face tells me that yes, models fart – Hollywood Tuna

I really wish Adam Levine’s tattoo artist would go MIA and stop answering his calls – Celebitchy

Florida…… – Drunken Stepfather

As a bored Snooki, her bored piece and her bored baby sat on the beach watching the wind boringly blow the sand around, they all wished that they were TANKED – Reality Tea

Rachel Bilson looks like a pre-school craft table after paint time – Popoholic

Yeah, my dog would’ve balanced that hamburger on his tongue for about 1 millisecond – SOW

Griffin Nightclub needs to get with it! All nightclubs have kids zones now – IDLYITW

Dirty snatch? Rinse it out with this post – The Berry

It looks like after years of making tender love to his feminist wife, Armie Hammer finally got into some rough shit – Just Jared

Cheyenne Jackson’s mid-life crisis has crashed straight into a staple and a ballpoint pen (aka a prison tattoo needle) – Queerty

Nigella Lawson’s marriage is done done – USA Today

Two behavioral experts declare Bendadick Cumsinbatches a “sex god” and I’m pretty sure their names are Tum and Blr – Videogum

DMX may be broke, but it’s nice to see him making some money by selling flowers on Santa Monica Blvd. in West Hollywood – Crunk + Disorderly

St. Angie is the Patron Saint of MONAY too – I’m Not Obsessed

How many copies of Photoshop broke while making this cover? – Popsugar

Open Post: Hosted By Courtney Stodden In A Lettuce Bikini

Yes, lady in the flower jacket, she’s real, she’s in front of you and she’s exquisite.

The streets of Hollywood haven’t seen enough of Courtney Stodden’s all-unnatural, silicone-fed titty domes, so she got into a lettuce bikini and walked down Hollywood Blvd. for PETA today. I see PETA trying to get Courtney naked. The quickest way to get a porn iguana naked is to put her in a lettuce bikini. It won’t take long for her to nibble the whole thing off. That’s if the sun doesn’t get to her first and she melts into a puddle of plastic and bad decisions.

Pics: Splash

Sharon Stone Has Never Watched Porn, So Says Sharon Stone

Seen above making a “What is that creature and how soon can I have it turned into a shrug?” face, Sharon Stone showed up to a screening for Lovelace at MoMA in NYC last night. Sharon plays porn legend Linda Lovelace’s mother and since the movie is about the making of Deep Throat, Vulture asked her if she’s ever seen it. The mainstream soft-core queen of the 90s almost ran to Claire’s and bought a pair of pearls to clutch, because she was shocked by the question:

She hadn’t seen Deep Throat prior to making Lovelace, she told us at a Cinema Society screening last night. (“Why would I?”) And she hasn’t seen it since. “I have never seen a pornographic film,” she added. Seriously? “Yes.”

Why would she?! Why wouldn’t she?! Sharon Stone is trying to tell me that she’s had fake onscreen sex with almost every actor in the 90s, but she’s never watched a fuck film? Sharon is like me the time I got caught watching porn at work. I switched to a spreadsheet and said, “Porn? I don’t even know what that is!” If only I could morph into a Komodo Dragon and bite Sharon’s lying tongue.

Vulture then asked Peter Sarsgaard, who plays Chuck Traynor in Lovelace, if he’s ever watched porn. Since he’s that fancy bitch who probably asks to speak to the tea sommelier when he goes to a restaurant, he spit out some fanciness:

“The only kind of pornography that has ever held an interest for my mind, for any length of time — because pornography by its very nature is kind of just momentary — is Scandinavian pornography. It’s always very beautiful. They filmed it, and they had a kind of flair. I remember seeing … I think her name was Seka. She wouldn’t have sex very much, it would all just be kind of like, Seka, being awesome. Very shabby-chic, also. Yeah, kind of like, fairy. Shabby-chic fairy.

It’s old, so it feels okay to watch. [Laughs.] Because I think a lot of pornography now is just so brutal, unbelievably brutal. And I know it probably was back in the time that I have a memory of it being not brutal, in its own way it is. But now it’s like, so obvious that it’s not — I don’t know what it’s for. There’s not too many people making love doing porn these days.”

When I Googled “Scandinavian porn,” I got a picture of a chick doing a guy with her hand and a dildo. Yeah, a dildo and not a lutefisk. I was disappointed too.

What is with these people and porn?! I’m sure that late last night, Peter Sarsgaard went into the bathroom and fapped to Brazzers on his iPad. He did it on a bathroom rug from Ikea, so that practically makes it a sensual Scandinavian experience.

Pics: Splash

And Here’s The Trailer For That Movie Starring Bradley Cooper’s Snail Shell Perm

Three months ago, tongues curled and nipples got moist when Bradley Cooper was seen strutting around with freshly permed tight curls on his head and here’s those freshly permed tight curls in motion (or not in motion since they don’t move) in the trailer for David O. Russell’s American Hustle (working title: GIVE US ALL THE OSCARS!).

American Hustle is about schemes, cons and ABSCAM shit in the 70s and 80s. It stars B. Coop, B.Coop’s snail shell perm, Christian Bale, Jeremy Renner, Robert De Niro, Jack Huston, Louis C.K., COLLEEN CAMP!!!, Alessandro Nivola, Jennifer Lawrence, Elisabeth Rohm, Amy Adams and every single actor in Hollywood with a SAG card.

I thought Jennifer Lawrence was going to be the hottest thing in this trailer since she sort of looks like a bottom shelf and not-as-glamorous version of Sharon Stone’s character in Casino, but she isn’t. Amy Adams is (the strip show at the 0:41 mark sold me) and it pains the tips of my fingers to type that, because Amy Adams has the career that Megan Follows should’ve had 20 years ago. Bitch stole Anne of Green Gables’ career!