Lindsay Lohan’s Out Of Rehab

Here’s a riveting video starring pictures of Lindsay Lohan leaving Cliffside in Malibu after spending a total of 90 days drying out. When the fillers in LiLo’s lips have dried up and turned to dust, she kind of looks like Bernann McKinney as a weekday pancake house hostess in Gatlinburg, Tennessee. What I’m saying is that LiLo has never looked better.

LiLo was supposed to stay in rehab for an extra 3 days, because she wanted to slowly seep back into the world, but I guess she said fuckit to that idea. TMZ says that instead of staying in rehab for a few more days, she’s going to live with a “sober coach.” This hasn’t been confirmed but I’m sure the name of her “sober coach” rhymes with Yack Maniels. Radar says that LiLo’s long-suffering lawyer Shawn Holley was in court this morning to give the judge proof that she completed her court-ordered 90 days of rehab. Judge James Dabney also ordered LiLo to 3 therapy sessions a week as per (yes, I wanted to type “ass purr” really badly) the recommendation of Cliffside’s CEO. Judge James said this during today’s hearing:

“Ms. Lohan has successfully completed residential treatment, and it’s being recommended that she continue with her psychological counseling consisting of three 50 minute psychological counseling sessions per week. This can be done in person when she is in Los Angeles, or via Skype when she isn’t.”

There will be another hearing in November to make sure LiLo’s doing what she’s supposed to do.

Skype therapy?! That should work out and I’m sure her therapist won’t think something in the milk is White Oprah when a suddenly blonder “Lindsay Lohan” Skypes in from the bar at T.G.I. Friday’s in Long Island and immediately giggles about his little tie….

Presenting The Ho Stroll’s Newest And Greatest IT Couple

Correction! That title should read: Presenting THE WORLD’S Newest and Greatest IT Couple, because all those low-level couples in Hollywood and beyond cannot compete with the star power of Chicken Cutlets and her new piece.

Yesterday, the lunch special at Lisa Vanderpump’s restaurant Villa Blanca in Beverly Hills was saffron-dusted Chicken Cutlets with a side of salchicha and a glorious unibrow, because international supermodel and professional street poser Phoebe Price ate with her new boyfriend Ojani Noa. OhHoney No is famous for being JLo’s first husband (or is JLo famous for being OhHoney No’s first wife?) and over three years ago he tried and failed to make a mockumentary about his marriage to her. But all that’s behind OhHoney No and he has traded in the title of “JLo’s first husband” for a more prestigious and important title: Phoebe Price’s newest boyfriend!

Brad and Angelina and Beyonce and Jay Z can all exit stage left, because a true power couple has arrived. When they’re not posing in an EXCLUSIVE couples photo shoot for the PennySaver’s society section, they’ll be holding court at The Weed (The Ivy’s stepchild restaurant in Van Nuys).

FINALLY, after decades of waiting, we have a new Lucy and Ricky!

Pics: Splash

Simon Cowell Knocked Up His Best Friend’s Wife

In about six months, somebody other than Ryan Seacrest will call Simon Cowell “daddy.” That’s what UsWeekly and The Daily Mail say, anyway. UsWeekly’s source says that somebody let Simon Cowell’s bitchy jizz fishes swim up into her ovaries and that somebody is the wife of his (former?) best friend, real estate mogul Andrew Silverman. ESCANDALO! Paula Abdul just fell the fuck out of her bed. Although, Paula falling out of her bed is totally unrelated to Simon making a baby, because that’s how she gets out of bed every morning.

Lauren Silverman, the New York socialite type who’s carrying the spawn of Cowell, is still married to Andrew Silverman, but their marriage has been circling the toilet hole for a while and they’ve been in the process of legally quitting each other for good. As 36-year-old Lauren’s marriage was slowly dying, 52-year-old Simon gave her a caring dick to cry on, sit on, etc… etc..  UsWeekly’s source says that the fetus in Lauren’s womb is about 10 weeks old and she’s planning to leave Andrew for good to be with Simon. The Daily Mail’s source says that Lauren and Simon have been bumping tits for about a year and she wants to marry his ass:

“Lauren loves Simon, she says that she wants to marry him. And with the baby, she’s going the right way about it! But I think this could be really good for Simon.”

Simon broke off his engagement to that Mezhgan Hussainy woman over a year ago.

But Simon making an actual human baby? George Clooney is going to get a reverse vastectomy before getting another vastectomy to make sure that not one drop of his baby making milk makes it into his semen. What a mess. I’m sure Simon was just being a true friend to Andrew when he humped his wife. Simon only barebacked boned Lauren so he could critique her sex skills and it was obviously a yes from him.

And before Simon Jr. comes into the world, Simon should really shave the fur off of his luscious bear claw chichis, because his baby could choke on a wad of hair while breastfeeding. That’s a safety hazard.

Here’s Simon and Lauren in London together last March.

The CAPTION THIS Contest WINNER For July 30th!

Poor Mrs. Hubbard, L Ron couldn’t keep it in his pants. – sweetas

Runners-up:

Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus, and Old Creepy Uncle Marv is just interested in Uranus. – Fruitibras

Alien vs. Predator – perky

Gary was nice enough to lend his living room to the Scientology High Council where they decided Leah Remini’s fate. And to make home made t-shirts. – rustyspigot

via Cheezburger

Hot Slut Of The Day!

The NSFW Crazy Rhubarb Lady!

If the minds of Trey Parker and Matt Stone and the mind of John Waters violently humped each other raw, they’d create this human strawberry in a dusty, garage sale wig. This joy to the world is serious about her rhubarb and when she’s caught picking rhubarb that’s overgrowing from a neighbor’s yard into the “alley property,” she turns into a fuck-throwing insult machine. Every time she opens her yap trap, she sounds like she’s having a painful, bowel movement and she kind of is, through her mouth. I’m just going to stop here and give you some of the rotten rhubarb-covered gems that Susan Boyle’s long-lost insane American bitch sister spits at her neighbor (who I’m pretty sure is Mickey Mouse):

“You Pinnochio fucking nose, go mind your own business!”

“This doesn’t have your name on it. Where’s your name, bitch? Where’s your name, bitch?”

“Don’t call me sweetheart, honeybun. What are you? A fucking lezzie?”

“Have some coffee, you’re drunk as a skunk!”

“You shut your goddamn mouth, why don’t you go in there and lose some weight, you big fatass.”

Even Rapunzel’s witch wouldn’t come at this cuntified mess. I’m sure that as soon as she got home, the Crazy Rhubarb Lady baked a rhubarb pie for the orphans of her town and I’m sure that rhubarb pie was poisoned.

(For Cody and everybody else who sent this in)

Birthday Sluts

B.J. Novak (34)
Rico Rodriguez (15)
Alexis Knapp (24)
Eric Lively (32)
Zac Brown (35)
Annie Parisse (38)
Ben Chaplin (44)
Dean Cain (47)
J.K. Rowling (48)
Wesley Snipes (51)
Mark Cuban (55)
Michael Biehn (57)
Geraldine Chaplin (69)
Don Murray (84)