I Lied, DUH.

Okay, so I lied earlier. Get used to it. Lilo, in her infinate wisdom has maybe/reportedly/okay probably chosen her NYE desination. Ahlan!live has cast a huge shade of NO!! on the rumors that Lilo will stay home privately snorting and drinking her New Years Eve festivities. Lilo has reportedly signed on with Pam An, Allen Lamb and others to welcome the new year aboard a yacht that none of us poor mofos are welcome on to kick off New Year’s Eve 2012.

Lilo, at one time I hoped the best for you. Now, you’re just an embarrassment, much like that time in cheerleading when my dress flopped over my ass to show the away team my red pantaloons while I was on top of the pyramid. Just. Stop. But still, I never got paid for showing my pantaloons, which makes me wonder who is right. Damn you Lilo for making me doubt myself and my career path. I’m gonna roll another joint.

Thank you parissucksliterally

Hair Care, Or Hair Nobody Curr

Why did Jen An cut her hair??? I know you have been laying awake at night pondering this with the other questions of the world, such as why are we here, why does 4th meal only last until 2am, why does my family hate me?  and other such important stuff.

So, to answer this one…E!online says it’s because DUN DUN DUN “her hair was thinning and starting to look fake”! Now at least you can sleep, although that silly shit like “why does my dog hate me” and “what am I supposed to do with my life” may still stick around for a minute. At least the important questions of the universe are answered.

I actually like Jen An, though I’m not sure why.  And I’m less sure about the idea that this is somehow news.  I guess we can all change our lives now though??  Okay, seriously it’s just drama dressed as NEWS so keep on keeping on with your Ramen noodles and your mortgage and all that un-important jazz.  But keep it up in your pj’s and house shoes, like I’m gonna do.  MAH HAIR-UH is page two, along with “I need a pedi” and “should I keep my thermostat on 75 or 76”.  Sorry Jen.

Way To Go, Deion

Ooooh, breakup by text, you have just been demoted to level #2 on the coldest shit you can do scale. Pilar Sanders, the apparently soon to be ex-wife of the legendary football great Deion Sanders, says she found out about their impending divorce on TMZ.com.  Ho-lee-shit. Stock in Ben N’ Jerry’s and Smith and Wesson just bounced off the charts.

According to TMZ, his wife’s lawyer says, “Pilar’s sole focus and top priority for the last 12.5 years has been her marriage and children. Based on recent discoveries, [Pilar] now realizes that Deion did not view their family the same way.” OUCH. And translation: Deion, just do the right thing and open that wallet. Breaking up with your wife of 12 years and baby mama via internet? New low. *slow claps and writes that down as how to do shit WRONG*

Damn, Deion.  I would think after 12 years, and stretching her body out for your babies, you could at least send her an email.  This bitch is gonna get half plus child support, and you have nobody but your soul-less ass to thank for it.  Enjoy driving around in your Geo Metro!  And RIP common decency. Team Pilar and Deions’ babies.

Afternoon Crumbs

The Photoshop Awards! Somebody put together this completely fake ass “Yup, I Love Dick” cover of People Magazine starring Taylor Lautner. Bitch please! Like Taylor Lautner would really approve a picture of him looking like he’s pushing out a stubborn shirt for his big gay coming out cover. – Buzzfeed

Duchess Catherine celebrates Jesus’ birthday by wearing a hat that looks like a sea of open vaginas – Lainey Gossip

Give your eyeballs a taste of Courteney Cox’s bikini situation like it was the first time – The Superficial

Stephanie Seymour’s like, “Damn, it ain’t the same without my son’s boner brushing against my thigh…” – Hollywood Tuna

Trans Flowers: They ain’t the one! – Towleroad

BREAKING NEWS! BREAKING NEWS! A fat bee just swallowed an entire Starbucks whole! – Popsugar

In case you didn’t already know, wet albino rats never look good in leather – Hollywood Rag

Buthisface alert! – Just Jared

Elegance alert! – (site NSFW) Drunken Stepfather

Greedy ass puppy alert! – Cityrag

Kobe Bryant’s dick is trying to beat Tiger Woods’ dick’s record – Celebitchy

Aunt Viv #1 is my hero – ICYDK

Looking at Mischa Barton’s chichis gives me a craving for microwaved pancakes – SOW

Attention all 50-something, get ready to cream your panties with the help of KY, because Van Halen is back! – I’m Not Obsessed

What it looks like when Hugh Hefner tries to eat coochie – The Daily What

Suffocating a baby with kisses – The Berry

Ashley Jizzdale’s boots would look a lot better on her if they went all the way up to her forehead – Popoholic

The Top 10 Gayest songs – OMG Blog

Megan Fox proves that extreme Botox use equals permanent queef face – Celebslam

Put It Away

Lady Gaga (the “lady” part is up for discussion) was spotted out in Paris shopping sans Underoos once again says Hollywood Rag. Bitch, put some pants on. That being said, I’m glad she’s helping the local economy and hopefully buying some stuff to cover that shit up while she’s at it. Come to think of it though, maybe she had lots of panties and they all put on their Nikes and drank the Kool-Aid to willingly go to the next level. I can’t say I blame them.

You know, I’m not a prude (more of a total ho really) but I have to say I’ll be glad when this no pants / leggings count as pants phase of our fashion history is over. My mama was always like “make sure you have clean underwear on!” meaning UNDER my clothes, so I just can’t with this trend. Why is it always the people you don’t want to see doing that shit that are doing that shit?? Charlize, baby, you are welcome to support the no pants phenomenon at your leisure. I’ll wait. People of WalMart, please sit the fuck down.

On another note, MTV.com says she and Justin Beiber are the front-runners for charitable celebs this year. So maybe she just donated all her lingerie to the needy? Gaga is a giver like that. Don’t mind that the crotchless panties all started out with crotches. They did not melt away or off themselves, she cut them out. Just believe that and don’t think about it too much.

ETA I have no idea how this ended up under Crumbs. I blame Al Gore as the inventor of the internetz. #notmyfault

Some People Don’t Know When To Shut. The. Fuck. Up.

In yet another stellar call in the life of Jerry Sandusky, TMZ reports that he has decided to speak publicly again on his child sexual abuse allegations, but hasn’t yet decided whether Oprah or Barbara Walters will be the luckiest woman alive to be graced with his presence.  He and his wife Dottie are wanting to set the record straight and clear his JeffreyDahmerwasanaltarboycomparedtoyou good name (I had to get drunk just to type that) by going on the air again and this time he’s practiced so he doesn’t pause when asked if he’s sexually attracted to young boys.

Strangely, neither Oprah nor Barbara’s camp can be reached to confirm the interview, so there’s a good chance that this is all wishful thinking on the part of the Sanduskys.  I would think his showing-young-boys-how-to-shower-properly ass would have a hard time getting an interview on QVC, so I hope these ladies aren’t really entertaining the idea.  And if so, I hope they make him pay them for the privilege.  His lawyer must be a glutton for punishment, both for representing him and for allowing him to dig holes in their defense with dynamite.

The Sanduskys maintain that nothing inappropriate happened, and the 52 now adults who have brought charges against Jerry are all lie tellers trying to make a little fast cash.  Um.  I know that in America you are innocent until proven guilty, but this is not so much a “where there’s smoke there’s fire” situation as a HOLY SHIT THERE’S A MUSHROOM CLOUD one.  So.  Good luck with that Jerry (not really) and I hope you don’t land in a prison as the cell block bitch (not really).

ETA: There are 10 accusers, with 52 counts of abuse. Thanks Nit Witty for setting my ass straight.