Category: What A Fucking Lady

This Soft-Serve-Guzzling Florida Flower Who Destroyed A McDonald’s Knows How To Have A Good Time

April 8, 2014 / Posted by:

And on the next episode of Girls…..

When you hear the words, “Sorry, but we don’t sell that McRib shit anymore,” from a McDonald’s employee, your instinct is to strip down to your thong and wreak some havoc on that bitch before stopping for a quick soft-serve power-up so you can wreak some more havoc on that bitch. None of us do it, because we’re chicken shit, but thanks to liquid meth courage, this delicate and well-mannered orange blossom lived the Florida dream when she went Red Wedding on a McDonald’s in St. Petersburg while the employees refused to give one McShit as they laughed and declared her their new role model. During all the chaos, this terror in a thong couldn’t resist the urge to put her mouth under a soft-serve machine and fill herself up with deliciousness. That’s when I saluted her ass.

Tampa Bay Times talked to the St. Petersburg Police Department about this McToplessFreakOut and a rep said they were looking into it, but nothing’s been reported so far. So either this wasn’t reported, because it’s a daily occurrence at that McDonald’s. Or it’s viral marketing for McDonald’s new McFlurry with Bath Salts. Or it really is a lost scene from Girls and I’m glad the video cut out before Hannah fapped on that counter while eating a Filet-O-Fish patty.

Porsha Stewart Beat Kenya Moore’s Ass At The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Reunion Taping (UPDATE)

March 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Porsha Stewart is about as dumb as a dust bunny on a discarded dildo, so I guess somebody with a brain told her what she needs to do to not get fired from The Real Housewives of Atlanta next season. Because UsWeekly, People and Radar say that during the taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion yesterday, Porsha Hyundai came at her rival Kenya Moore without a summons and dragged that bitch across the floor by her all-natural hair before security broke them up. Minutes later, the paramedics were called, because thinking of the ratings made Andy Cohen jizz out most of his body fluids and he had to be hooked up to an IV drip.

Radar’s source says that the fuckery started when Kenya Moore Whore (copyright: Shady Phaedra) poked at the rumors that Porsha’s estranged husband Kordell Stewart loves dick on his tongue by bringing out a box of sex toys. Hell hath no fury like a beard scorned! When Porsha jumped out of her seat to attack, Kenya also jumped out of her seat and the boxing bell rang. Radar’s source spit this out:

“Porsha beat the shit out of her! She is a little thing and she jumped on her and pulled her down to the ground by her hair, and Kenya doesn’t have a weave, it is all her own hair.”

UsWeekly’s source says that Andy Cohen and security both jumped in and stopped the fight.

NeNe pretty much confirmed this mess went down by tweeting out this clap of approval for Porsha.

I can’t wait to see Porsha use Kenya Moore Whore as a Swiffer, but that fight seems more staged and choreographed than a WWE fight. Kenya is built like an amazon and Porsha is built like a malnourished wiener dog. Besides, if Porsha ran toward Kenya, Kenya would just twirl, twirl and twirl until that little trick went flying across the room.

UPDATE: Tamara Tattles says that Kenya never brought out butt dildos, but she did talk shit about Porsha’s marriage. Tamara also says that the fight wasn’t the messy bitch brawl Radar and UsWeekly made it out to be. Apparently, producers immediately sent Porsha home and later fired her. I don’t know if I believe that Porsha was pink-slipped, because I thought those HouseMesses got a bonus for beating a bitch.

RiRi’s Elegant Nipples Will Light The Way

February 28, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell from the screams of paranoia coming from the Southern California area, THE STORM OF EVERY CENTURY!!! has hit Southern California. Even though California is thirstier than ever because of the drought and shit, the media is still being extra dramatic and screaming for the National Guard’s help before the falling water ruins everyone’s fake tan! This is a serious emergency. I was watching the news early this morning and saying, “Don’t you fret, Monsieur M’rius,” to all the media whores losing their minds over a little fall of rain (I can’t believe I just referenced Les Miz). Just as I was laughing at the rain panic, my power went out. That’s what my dumbass gets. The electric company said that a transformer blew out and yes, I got the tingles for a minute picturing a Transformer blowing another Transformer. My laptop battery is dying faster than your patience during a Kanye rant and I’m getting WiFi from a hotspot on my phone, so it’s only a matter of time before my laptop and my phone croak out their last breath of power and I’m left in the dark. I’ll cry myself into the fetal position on the floor, because when my WiFi connection dies, so does MY SOUL!!!!

But before that happens, here’s RiRi trying out-Miley Miley in Paris last night by wearing an outfit you’d usually see on a twink sub at a gay BDSM club. But you know, if you’re RiRi and your at a club, you will have a collar around your neck and your alien nips will be breathing in the moist air through a Hot Topic mesh shirt. It’s just the way it is. Pure sophistication.

And here’s more of RiRi’s nips at the club and pictures of RiRi showing up to the Dior show today. I see she’s still auditioning hard for the role of Elvira Hancock in the Scarface remake.

Pics: Instagram, FameFlynet

Who Needs A Grammy Nomination When You’ve Got Santa’s Crotch To Twerk On?

December 7, 2013 / Posted by:

The Grammy nominations were announced last night and it might be safe for you to watch that shit show in January without attacking the TV with a tongue scraper every time Miley Cyrus pops up on the screen, because she might not be there since she didn’t get not a one nomination. Katy Perry was nominated for her cover of Sara Barillapasta’s (it’s Saturday, don’t make me Google for the correct spelling of her name) “Brave,” Sara Barillapasta was nominated for the original version of “Roar” and Illuminati kingpin and temporary vegan Jay-Z led the nominations with 9. Miley’s album “Finger Bangerz” was released after the cut-off date, but “Wrecking Ball” and “We Can’t Stop” both came out before the cut-off date. Bitch got snubbed!

As the nominations were announced live during that stupid ass Grammy Nominations Concert last night, Miley ruined Christmas for the children when she gave them a ho ho ho show at KISS FM’s Jingle Ball in L.A. My thoughts and prayers are with the parents whose youngins were there last night and are now singing, “I saw Miley butt fucking Santa Claus.” I don’t know if Miley is passing her butt critters to Bad Santa or Bad Santa’s passing his reindeer fleas to Miley or a little of both. For some of us, looking at these pictures are about as pleasant as watching a drunken hobo in a Santa hat jerk his candy cane off while lying against a wall on the Bowery (Correction: I’ve actually seen that on the subway before and it was more pleasant than these pictures), but these are pretty wholesome in the Cyrus world. If you Photoshopped Billy Ray’s face over that Bad Santa’s face and replaced that drankin’ bag with a jug of moonshine, these would look exactly like pictures out of the Cyrus family holiday album.

And back to the Grammys… Justin Timberlake may be the outcast of Hollywood, but he’s still the Homecoming Queen of the Grammys. Justin got 7 nominations as did Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Kendrick Lamar. Lorde got a bunch of noms, but ho didn’t make it into the Best New Artist category. You can see all of the nominations here, but you should really read them while crouching under a steady surface, because once Kanye finds out that he was locked out of some of the major categories, his throbbing ego will explode and the earth will shake. Also, La Vampy didn’t get one nomination! We must RAGE!

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

There Is Too Much Information Floating Around About Bieber Sexytimes

November 12, 2013 / Posted by:

I’ve never taken Justin Bieber seriously a day in his professional life. Like many, I spent the first part of his rise to stardom thinking he was Hilary Swank. I was introduced to the obsession plaguing young girls after a friend’s daughter came to a party at our house where she said my garlic bread was so good, she had Bieber AND garlic bread fever. I even threw my husband a Justin-themed party for his 33rd birthday as a joke because I’m a giant asshole like that.

I’ve always considered Justin’s face to be one only his mother, a million girls who don’t know better and the back bumper of my minivan could love, and now, thanks to Hookergate, my attention is being redirected to the nether Bieber-region as if there were a john’s hand pushing my head down toward it. Along with not being able to get behind his work, now I’m being forced to imagine him having sex, which I liken to being as awkward as my incestuous, lesbian dogs look when they’re trying to lick each other’s faces at the same time.

Critica.com did an interview with the unnamed Brazilian woman (via Guyism) who claims to have slept with Bieber for $500 and a ticket to his show.

“It was delicious. It was super delicious because not every day do you get to be with someone famous, especially someone like him. He’s a love of a man! A cutie patootie!”

When asked if he is well-endowed the woman simply responded that he was “average.”

Damn, Justin. If anybody has the right to judge dick it’s a professional, but it still has to sting that your $500 couldn’t even buy you “bigger than average”.

Now let’s turn our attention to Tatiana Neves, the woman who brought us the YouTube video of wittle Justin going nigh-nigh. After playing coy in an interview on Globo TV’s Fantastico, she turned around and told The Sun (via USWeekly) more details about her night with him.

“Take it from me, he’s well endowed — and very good in bed,” Neves is quoted as telling the Sun. “A man must know what to do to make me happy — Justin did all that and more.”

“It was one of the best moments in my life. It was marvelous and unforgettable,” she says. “He has quite a fit body and he looked great naked.”

No, no, no, wrong, NO, WRONG! “Delicious” was bad enough. “Marvelous” and making us picture his scrawny ass naked is unforgivable. Obviously, the money Tatiana received was enough for her lie her ass off about Justin’s skill set and equipment. No matter how many women slither out of the whore woodwork, I will never believe his shit doesn’t look like Franco’s thumb dick.

Here are some pictures of demure blossom Tati Neves looking like she’s ready for bible study class and not at all like she’s about to hit the ho stroll or French the friend she’s with for $20 while a bunch of horny men look on.

(Photo: Splash)

Pauly D’s Baby Mama Is Revealed, And She’s Just As Elegant And Refined As You Imagined

October 23, 2013 / Posted by:

I know you spent the last 24 hours pacing the floor in anticipation and wondering when we’d finally get to see the classic American beauty that Pauly D made a baby with. Who would have guessed that his type would be ‘grimy Atlantic City version of Backdoor Farrah’? I know, we’ve all collapsed from shock (or for those of you who’ve had contact with The Situation, Toxic Shock Syndrome). Proving once again that everyone gets to set 15 minutes on the fame whore clock, we have a new extravagant jewel to help us to temporarily forget about the last one that rolled under the couch (Courtney Stodden, you’re fine; stay there till we need you).

Discovering the identity of a crusty piece of trash’s baby mama is kind of like 2013′s version of a Debutante Ball. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m very proud to present to you all Miss Amanda Markert (is it market or marker? WHY NOT BOTH!) Miss Amanda is a proud alumnus of Hooters, a restaurant-slash-finishing school with a long history of producing classy sophisticated women for generations.

From what I’ve gathered in my rudimentary snooping as a slow-version Jessica Fletcher (aka reading TMZ), I can tell you the following:
1. She’s a college student who’s studying Forensics (something that grew out of a two-week TiVo obsession with David Boreanaz in Bones, no doubt)
2. She named Pauly D’s baby Amabella (I can’t I can’t I can’t)
3. She just wants to dress her baby in the finest accessories and costumes. You’re a millionaire, Pauly D: BUY YOUR BABY SOME EFFING COSTUMES ALREADY!

Since stone-cold dum-dums get together and bareback everyday, this shouldn’t really be news. HOWEVER, here’s what makes it juicier than a bottle of hair glue: Pauly D thinks Amanda Markert is an unfit mother because she worked at Hooters and has another child, so he wants full custody of Amabella (I still can’t). I know; a professional record player with Fraggle hair and a Dollar Tree spray tan is now an expert in parenting.

Pauly D needs to man-up and back a dump truck full of DJ Dollars into the driveway of her Egg Harbor, NJ duplex and make this whole mess blow over. The pictures of Rob Kardashian and Brody Jenner on Amanda Markert’s Instagram are very telling; I get the feeling that the longer she goes without child support, the sooner she goes on New Jersey local news to cry about how millionaire DJ Pauly D won’t buy her baby accessories and costumes (Fame Step.1), which then leads to interviews on national news (Fame Step 2.), and that of course leads to the greasy sleaze balls at Vivid knocking on her door with a cartoonishly-large sack of money to star in “I Had Pauly’s D” (Expert Fame Level COMPLETE).

(Pic via Instagram)

Because We All Need A Dollop Of Whipped Grace And Elegance

October 22, 2013 / Posted by:

So far today, I’ve shat up posts about Kim, Kanye and Pauly D, so obviously we need a palate cleanser to rinse the stank from our retinas and here’s one in the form of beautiful pictures of Harvey Price’s creator and Britain’s answer to Mark Twain, Katie Price, at a photo call in London for Love, Lipstick and Lies, the latest autobiography written by a member of her ghost writing harem. Somewhere, both Zac Efron and Xtina are scratching “Love, Lipstick and Lies” off the list of title possibilities for their memoirs.

While done up like the bachelorette party section of a Party City, Katie Price tried to give us her best sexyface but looked more like she was suffering from smoke inhalation while severely constipated. Several plastic horse dolls were scalped to make Katie’s weave, but they don’t mind, because their polyester manes went to a greater cause. And I know you’re checking Chanel’s site to find out where you can buy that luxuriously exquisite pantyhose catsuit, but sadly for you, you won’t be able to have Katie’s face on your crotch (Side note: Why does she have Pauly D hair?), because it’s custom made.

And after these pictures were taken, Katie mounted that lipstick and fucked the plastic off of it. Expect her to give birth to a litter of plastic lipsticks in 9 months.

Pics: Wenn.com

Miley Also Wore This Yesterday

September 22, 2013 / Posted by:

I know. Two Miley Cyrus posts in a row. If I post one more, you’ll all forward me your bills for the antibiotic eye drops the doctor will prescribe you at urgent care.

During the day yesterday, the hillbilly chipmunk lizard wore a pair of straitjacket panties and at night, she wore this incredibly elegant Abominable  HOMan ensemble during her performance on the iHeart Radio mainstage in Las Vegas. I want to hate the hell out of this outfit, but I can’t, because if you ripped off those black head nipple covers and replaced her boots with exquisite Lucite heels, Miley would be wearing the exact same virginal outfit that Shauna Sand wore to her wedding reception. Hell, this might’ve been Shauna Sand’s First Communion dress!

Those sticky drops of something syrupy dripping down your screen is the elegance oozing out of this picture. Finally, Miley dressed herself like the refined and delicate pearl she truly is. And I don’t think Miley’s winking. Bitch’s left eyeball shut the shade over itself because it was sick of seeing the tip of Miley’s alien lizard tongue.

And as Liam dried his lonely tears on his Mexican piece’s crotch, Miley yodeled out “Wrecking Ball” last night:

Bitch’s live singing voice is like a wrecking ball smashing into my ears.

Like Two Untouched Dew Drops Sitting On A Rose Petal….

September 20, 2013 / Posted by:

The pride of America Courtney Stodden (on the left, I think) and transgender antiques prodigy Lauren Harries (on the right, I think) bonded over their love of drugstore lipstick, peroxide and illegal silicone injections in the Celebrity Big Brother house and so they’re filming a reality shit show together in Britain right now. In Britain, the law states that the only way you can get clearance to shoot a reality show is if the first scene shows two dozed off, broke off, tattered messes stumbling out of a bar with their microwaved salami areolas peeking out. So the porn iguana and the porn iguana’s future got so shit-faced last night that they had to be carried to their hotel by a dude who was trying his hardest not to touch Courtney’s Madball tits, which is pretty much impossible since bitch is all weave and plastic chichis.

The porn iguana’s creepy husband Doug Hutchison didn’t party with her in London last night, because he was too busy scaring the innocence out of children in Northampton. So while the gross, nasty, bloated pimp cat is away, the mouse will get drunk to forget the fact that she’s put her lips on the cat’s sleeping slug dick. This is probably the most normal I’ve ever seen the porn iguana act.

It’s almost like looking at my Friday night. Well, this is just like my Friday night if you replace those bruises with dried lonely tear drops and the transgender antiques prodigy with a dog who is over it.

I already love these two wrecks together. They’re like a well-adjusted, graceful and fresh version of Lindsay Lohan and White Oprah!

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com

Oh God, Why Am I Starting To Like The Embarrassing Mess That Is Miley Cyrus?

August 25, 2013 / Posted by:

You know that one girl at the party who doesn’t know anyone, gets drunk, gets stoned and then dances by herself in the middle of the room while everybody tries not to die of second-hand embarrassment? That was Miley Cyrus at the VMAs tonight and I enjoyed every cringing moment. It had everything I want out of a VMA performance: zero dignity, zero shame and a whole lot of fuckery and ho shit behavior. Bitch has a negative ass and she still twerked against Robin Thicke’s Beetlejuice suit and bitch looked like a fool, but she kept going. Miley gives no fucks while giving too many fucks. She looked like a bootleg Cynthia Doll high on bath salts and she wore clip-on bangs on the back of her head. This is the performance that keeps on giving. It’s like twerking herpes and it’s beautiful:

I think I sprained my tonsils from laughing so damn hard. No matter what time of day it is, just know that in a corner somewhere, Miley is humping a foam finger while sticking out her lizard tongue.

This is pretty much a natural reaction to that shit:

mileyaudiencehilarious

Shit was a gorgeous train wreck. I know Billy Ray is patting his taint anyway, but he should pat it something extra for creating such an entertaining, shameless mess!

Click here if YouTube takes down Miley’s Ode to Vice Magazine.

Pics: Getty Images

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