Category: What A Fucking Lady

Question Of The Day: Would You Blow 24 Dudes In A Bar For A $4 Bottle Of Cava?

July 3, 2014 / Posted by:

Stop shaking your heads “hell yes,John Traavolta and Parasite Hilton. You’re not part of this discussion. The class already knows that you’ll do it for free.

The Daily Mail, where I get all my blow job orgy news from, says that Mayor Manuel Onieva has launched an investigation into a video of a tourist, who is reportedly from Britain, sucking on 24 peens during a sex game in a bar on the Spanish resort town of Magaluf. The video went viral today and I don’t think that’s the only thing that went viral. In the video (there’s a semi-censored NSFW version here), the chick puts a peen in her mouth, barely sucks it for a millisecond, jumps to the next one, does the same thing and so and so on. Chick is a speed sucker and it feels like she goes through 10 dicks in 30 seconds. It’s like watching the Energizer Bunny on meth being the pass-around-patty at a blowjobs-only sex party. Apparently, this sort of thing isn’t uncommon in Magaluf. Many bars host sex parties where they get chicks to do sex stuff on dudes as the crowd and DJ cheers them on. Mayor Onieva says that “mamading” parties (“mamada” means beej in Spanish, basically) are illegal and the bar could get into trouble.

The Daily Mail also says that after putting 24 strange dicks in her mouth, the chick got a bottle of cava worth 3 euros. Okay….

If she was just really in the mood to suck on 24 floppy and semi-soft peens that she didn’t wash beforehand and it wasn’t about a prize, then I say, you do you (and those 24 peens), bitch. I am not judging her for that at all, because who hasn’t been in a bar and thought to themselves, “I just really want to suck off everybody in here.” Just me? Okay, then. But if she was doing it for a $4 bottle of cava, then I need to ask, how bad is the economy in Britain? Has it really come to that? She should’ve at least aimed for a drink a dick. Or since she might’ve put a little HPV, herpes, gonorrhea and chlamydia on her tongue while she was sucking off all those strangers, the bar could’ve at least thrown in a bottle of sparkling antibiotics.

Sucking off 24 dudes for a bottle of $4 cava is the definition of “she don’t love herself.” I mean, that’s like sucking off 24 dudes for a bottle of Strawberry Hill. Hmmm, since I put it that way….

I really wish that after she blew the last dude on the blow job train, she jumped up and screamed, “I’ve got a cold sore! Joke’s on all of you skanks!

And if you need the answer to my headline question, then you really don’t know me.

Everybody Was A Damn Mess At The Daytime Emmys Last Night

June 23, 2014 / Posted by:

I don’t know if they pick themes for the Daytime Emmy Awards, but if I had to guess what last night’s theme was, it’s clearly “A Tribute to True Class and Good Taste”. Every single moment, from the very first drunken stumble down the red carpet to the last rambling, profanity-laced acceptance speech, was practically a textbook definition of refinement, elegance, and dignity.

Take, for example, the understated elegance of demure English Rose Sharon Osbourne, who announced her arrival on the red carpet by throwing up a classy set of ‘pussy fingers’. Wow. Such elegance. Much grace. Of course Sharon committed fully to the theme by acting like a horny late-in-life lesbian memaw by going for the crotch and tits of her The Talk co-stars Sheryl Underwood and Sara Gilbert.

2014 Daytime Emmy Awards

But the real show happened inside, when Sharon presented an award (I know, I’m shocked she was still able to stand upright) and treated the audience to some “Drunk Aunt Carol going through some shit during Thanksgiving dinner” realness. Luckily, the 41st Daytime Emmys were only being broadcast online (how very amateur porn of you, Daytime Emmys):

“Finally! My lord, I feel like I’ve been her for five fucking hours and I just got here. Everyone can throw up in the toilet and go home and fuck everyone they work with. It’s not being televised. So just fucking get pissed.”

Speaking of pissed, the Emmy producers are probably super pissed today that they gave Giuliana Rancic (who looked like a beautiful shimmering brunette grasshopper bride) the night off from her duties as Head Red Carpet Microphone Ghoul, because the four “social media” mouth breathers they let take over the red carpet failed harder than Kim Kardashian trying to remember her baby’s name. Rape jokes, jokes about fucking underage kids, referring to Lawrence Saint-Victor from The Bold and the Beautiful as “a beautiful chocolate man”; it was like watching 4-goon pile-up that no one wanted to call in the jaws of life for.

Here’s more from the Primetime Emmy Awards Franzia-chugging Valium-snorting unstable disaster of an older sister. Sadly, the Daytime Emmys didn’t reach their full messy potential, because one Very Important Day Drunk was missing: KATHIE LEE GIFFORD!!!

Pics: Splash,

Scout Willis Approves!

June 2, 2014 / Posted by:

RiRi knows that it’s been approximately 45 seconds since we’ve seen her alien nipples and that’s way too long, so she brought the #FREETHENIPPLE movement to the CFDA Awards in NYC tonight by wearing tons of fucking sparkles, a stole made out of Poochie and not much else. Bitch is giving me headline stripper Josephine Baker. I love it, because it’s an elegant ensemble that can easily take you from the stroll to cocktails with THE QUEEN, it’s covered in crystals (and my gay eyes jizz for crystals) and she almost reached the high levels of demureness and sophistication that Rose McGowan reached at the VMAs a million years ago.

And Miley Cyrus has been challenged. Expect Miley to show up to the Frederick’s of Hollywood Awards held in the parking lot of a strip mall in Florida wearing nothing but exquisite Lucite heels and a beaded tampon string hanging out of her twat.

Pics: Splash,

Casey Kasem’s Gold Digging Amazon Goddess Wife Threw Raw Hamburger Meat At His Daughter While Quoting The Bible

June 2, 2014 / Posted by:

The ridiculous battle over Casey Kasem between his gold digging psycho bitch of a wife Jean Kasem and his children from his first marriage reached DEFCON levels of insanity yesterday when that 5’10″ tower of crazy threw raw hamburger meat at his daughter and she did so in the name of King James! Game of Thrones can kindly take a seat in the back until further notice, because they keep trying it, but they have nothing on the Sunday night family theatrics that the Kasems pull.

As most of you know, Casey Kasem is not doing well and while he can’t speak and is suffering from Lewy body dementia, his wallet-humping second wife, Loretta Tortelli from Cheers, has been fighting 3 of his adult kids for control of his care. Jean wasn’t even letting Casey’s kids see him and three weeks ago she moved him out of a Santa Monica care facility to a friend’s house in Washington to get him further away from his children. But according to NBC News, on Friday, a judge in Kitsap County, Washington declared that Casey’s daughter Kerri Kasem can visit her dad once a day and she can take him to the hospital if she feels like it’s necessary. Kerri claims that Casey’s doctor told her that he’s got bed sores and has infections in his lungs. So on Sunday, Kerri showed up with an ambulance and that’s when the raw hamburger meat hit the fan.

Jean didn’t let the paramedics in and the cops were called. Around that time, Jean Kasem hit Kerri Kasem with a glob of raw hamburger meat. You know, suddenly I’m jealous of Kerri Kasem, because I wish I was hit with some raw meat this weekend. That isn’t even the craziest part. Jean later told NBC News she smacked a trick with meat in the name of King David:

“In the name of King David, I threw a piece of raw meat into the street in exchange for my husband to the wild rabid dogs.”

God, Jesus and his disciples are not having a good week. First, they get blamed for that crazy bride tying her baby to her dress and now they get blamed for Jean Kasem wasting some good raw hamburger meat. I don’t know if the crazy bride and Jean are just crazy (yes, they are) or if Jesus is just trolling humanity to see how far we’ll go.

Paramedics were eventually allowed into the house and they took Casey to the hospital.

When we were all younger and the soothing velvet voice of Casey Kasem softly brushed up against our ear tunnels, did we ever think he’d spend his final days lying in a half-vegetative state as his gold digging banshee wife chucks ground chuck at his Scientology daughter?

And the video from yesterday outside of the house in Washington is every layer of nuts. It has everything: a screeching Jean, a biker gang and EMTs trying not to pay attention to the crazy.

This Soft-Serve-Guzzling Florida Flower Who Destroyed A McDonald’s Knows How To Have A Good Time

April 8, 2014 / Posted by:

And on the next episode of Girls…..

When you hear the words, “Sorry, but we don’t sell that McRib shit anymore,” from a McDonald’s employee, your instinct is to strip down to your thong and wreak some havoc on that bitch before stopping for a quick soft-serve power-up so you can wreak some more havoc on that bitch. None of us do it, because we’re chicken shit, but thanks to liquid meth courage, this delicate and well-mannered orange blossom lived the Florida dream when she went Red Wedding on a McDonald’s in St. Petersburg while the employees refused to give one McShit as they laughed and declared her their new role model. During all the chaos, this terror in a thong couldn’t resist the urge to put her mouth under a soft-serve machine and fill herself up with deliciousness. That’s when I saluted her ass.

Tampa Bay Times talked to the St. Petersburg Police Department about this McToplessFreakOut and a rep said they were looking into it, but nothing’s been reported so far. So either this wasn’t reported, because it’s a daily occurrence at that McDonald’s. Or it’s viral marketing for McDonald’s new McFlurry with Bath Salts. Or it really is a lost scene from Girls and I’m glad the video cut out before Hannah fapped on that counter while eating a Filet-O-Fish patty.

Porsha Stewart Beat Kenya Moore’s Ass At The Real Housewives Of Atlanta Reunion Taping (UPDATE)

March 28, 2014 / Posted by:

Porsha Stewart is about as dumb as a dust bunny on a discarded dildo, so I guess somebody with a brain told her what she needs to do to not get fired from The Real Housewives of Atlanta next season. Because UsWeekly, People and Radar say that during the taping of The Real Housewives of Atlanta reunion yesterday, Porsha Hyundai came at her rival Kenya Moore without a summons and dragged that bitch across the floor by her all-natural hair before security broke them up. Minutes later, the paramedics were called, because thinking of the ratings made Andy Cohen jizz out most of his body fluids and he had to be hooked up to an IV drip.

Radar’s source says that the fuckery started when Kenya Moore Whore (copyright: Shady Phaedra) poked at the rumors that Porsha’s estranged husband Kordell Stewart loves dick on his tongue by bringing out a box of sex toys. Hell hath no fury like a beard scorned! When Porsha jumped out of her seat to attack, Kenya also jumped out of her seat and the boxing bell rang. Radar’s source spit this out:

“Porsha beat the shit out of her! She is a little thing and she jumped on her and pulled her down to the ground by her hair, and Kenya doesn’t have a weave, it is all her own hair.”

UsWeekly’s source says that Andy Cohen and security both jumped in and stopped the fight.

NeNe pretty much confirmed this mess went down by tweeting out this clap of approval for Porsha.

I can’t wait to see Porsha use Kenya Moore Whore as a Swiffer, but that fight seems more staged and choreographed than a WWE fight. Kenya is built like an amazon and Porsha is built like a malnourished wiener dog. Besides, if Porsha ran toward Kenya, Kenya would just twirl, twirl and twirl until that little trick went flying across the room.

UPDATE: Tamara Tattles says that Kenya never brought out butt dildos, but she did talk shit about Porsha’s marriage. Tamara also says that the fight wasn’t the messy bitch brawl Radar and UsWeekly made it out to be. Apparently, producers immediately sent Porsha home and later fired her. I don’t know if I believe that Porsha was pink-slipped, because I thought those HouseMesses got a bonus for beating a bitch.

RiRi’s Elegant Nipples Will Light The Way

February 28, 2014 / Posted by:

In case you couldn’t tell from the screams of paranoia coming from the Southern California area, THE STORM OF EVERY CENTURY!!! has hit Southern California. Even though California is thirstier than ever because of the drought and shit, the media is still being extra dramatic and screaming for the National Guard’s help before the falling water ruins everyone’s fake tan! This is a serious emergency. I was watching the news early this morning and saying, “Don’t you fret, Monsieur M’rius,” to all the media whores losing their minds over a little fall of rain (I can’t believe I just referenced Les Miz). Just as I was laughing at the rain panic, my power went out. That’s what my dumbass gets. The electric company said that a transformer blew out and yes, I got the tingles for a minute picturing a Transformer blowing another Transformer. My laptop battery is dying faster than your patience during a Kanye rant and I’m getting WiFi from a hotspot on my phone, so it’s only a matter of time before my laptop and my phone croak out their last breath of power and I’m left in the dark. I’ll cry myself into the fetal position on the floor, because when my WiFi connection dies, so does MY SOUL!!!!

But before that happens, here’s RiRi trying out-Miley Miley in Paris last night by wearing an outfit you’d usually see on a twink sub at a gay BDSM club. But you know, if you’re RiRi and your at a club, you will have a collar around your neck and your alien nips will be breathing in the moist air through a Hot Topic mesh shirt. It’s just the way it is. Pure sophistication.

And here’s more of RiRi’s nips at the club and pictures of RiRi showing up to the Dior show today. I see she’s still auditioning hard for the role of Elvira Hancock in the Scarface remake.

Pics: Instagram, FameFlynet

Who Needs A Grammy Nomination When You’ve Got Santa’s Crotch To Twerk On?

December 7, 2013 / Posted by:

The Grammy nominations were announced last night and it might be safe for you to watch that shit show in January without attacking the TV with a tongue scraper every time Miley Cyrus pops up on the screen, because she might not be there since she didn’t get not a one nomination. Katy Perry was nominated for her cover of Sara Barillapasta’s (it’s Saturday, don’t make me Google for the correct spelling of her name) “Brave,” Sara Barillapasta was nominated for the original version of “Roar” and Illuminati kingpin and temporary vegan Jay-Z led the nominations with 9. Miley’s album “Finger Bangerz” was released after the cut-off date, but “Wrecking Ball” and “We Can’t Stop” both came out before the cut-off date. Bitch got snubbed!

As the nominations were announced live during that stupid ass Grammy Nominations Concert last night, Miley ruined Christmas for the children when she gave them a ho ho ho show at KISS FM’s Jingle Ball in L.A. My thoughts and prayers are with the parents whose youngins were there last night and are now singing, “I saw Miley butt fucking Santa Claus.” I don’t know if Miley is passing her butt critters to Bad Santa or Bad Santa’s passing his reindeer fleas to Miley or a little of both. For some of us, looking at these pictures are about as pleasant as watching a drunken hobo in a Santa hat jerk his candy cane off while lying against a wall on the Bowery (Correction: I’ve actually seen that on the subway before and it was more pleasant than these pictures), but these are pretty wholesome in the Cyrus world. If you Photoshopped Billy Ray’s face over that Bad Santa’s face and replaced that drankin’ bag with a jug of moonshine, these would look exactly like pictures out of the Cyrus family holiday album.

And back to the Grammys… Justin Timberlake may be the outcast of Hollywood, but he’s still the Homecoming Queen of the Grammys. Justin got 7 nominations as did Macklemore & Ryan Lewis and Kendrick Lamar. Lorde got a bunch of noms, but ho didn’t make it into the Best New Artist category. You can see all of the nominations here, but you should really read them while crouching under a steady surface, because once Kanye finds out that he was locked out of some of the major categories, his throbbing ego will explode and the earth will shake. Also, La Vampy didn’t get one nomination! We must RAGE!

Pics:, Splash

There Is Too Much Information Floating Around About Bieber Sexytimes

November 12, 2013 / Posted by:

I’ve never taken Justin Bieber seriously a day in his professional life. Like many, I spent the first part of his rise to stardom thinking he was Hilary Swank. I was introduced to the obsession plaguing young girls after a friend’s daughter came to a party at our house where she said my garlic bread was so good, she had Bieber AND garlic bread fever. I even threw my husband a Justin-themed party for his 33rd birthday as a joke because I’m a giant asshole like that.

I’ve always considered Justin’s face to be one only his mother, a million girls who don’t know better and the back bumper of my minivan could love, and now, thanks to Hookergate, my attention is being redirected to the nether Bieber-region as if there were a john’s hand pushing my head down toward it. Along with not being able to get behind his work, now I’m being forced to imagine him having sex, which I liken to being as awkward as my incestuous, lesbian dogs look when they’re trying to lick each other’s faces at the same time. did an interview with the unnamed Brazilian woman (via Guyism) who claims to have slept with Bieber for $500 and a ticket to his show.

“It was delicious. It was super delicious because not every day do you get to be with someone famous, especially someone like him. He’s a love of a man! A cutie patootie!”

When asked if he is well-endowed the woman simply responded that he was “average.”

Damn, Justin. If anybody has the right to judge dick it’s a professional, but it still has to sting that your $500 couldn’t even buy you “bigger than average”.

Now let’s turn our attention to Tatiana Neves, the woman who brought us the YouTube video of wittle Justin going nigh-nigh. After playing coy in an interview on Globo TV’s Fantastico, she turned around and told The Sun (via USWeekly) more details about her night with him.

“Take it from me, he’s well endowed — and very good in bed,” Neves is quoted as telling the Sun. “A man must know what to do to make me happy — Justin did all that and more.”

“It was one of the best moments in my life. It was marvelous and unforgettable,” she says. “He has quite a fit body and he looked great naked.”

No, no, no, wrong, NO, WRONG! “Delicious” was bad enough. “Marvelous” and making us picture his scrawny ass naked is unforgivable. Obviously, the money Tatiana received was enough for her lie her ass off about Justin’s skill set and equipment. No matter how many women slither out of the whore woodwork, I will never believe his shit doesn’t look like Franco’s thumb dick.

Here are some pictures of demure blossom Tati Neves looking like she’s ready for bible study class and not at all like she’s about to hit the ho stroll or French the friend she’s with for $20 while a bunch of horny men look on.

(Photo: Splash)

Pauly D’s Baby Mama Is Revealed, And She’s Just As Elegant And Refined As You Imagined

October 23, 2013 / Posted by:

I know you spent the last 24 hours pacing the floor in anticipation and wondering when we’d finally get to see the classic American beauty that Pauly D made a baby with. Who would have guessed that his type would be ‘grimy Atlantic City version of Backdoor Farrah’? I know, we’ve all collapsed from shock (or for those of you who’ve had contact with The Situation, Toxic Shock Syndrome). Proving once again that everyone gets to set 15 minutes on the fame whore clock, we have a new extravagant jewel to help us to temporarily forget about the last one that rolled under the couch (Courtney Stodden, you’re fine; stay there till we need you).

Discovering the identity of a crusty piece of trash’s baby mama is kind of like 2013′s version of a Debutante Ball. Ladies and Gentlemen, I’m very proud to present to you all Miss Amanda Markert (is it market or marker? WHY NOT BOTH!) Miss Amanda is a proud alumnus of Hooters, a restaurant-slash-finishing school with a long history of producing classy sophisticated women for generations.

From what I’ve gathered in my rudimentary snooping as a slow-version Jessica Fletcher (aka reading TMZ), I can tell you the following:
1. She’s a college student who’s studying Forensics (something that grew out of a two-week TiVo obsession with David Boreanaz in Bones, no doubt)
2. She named Pauly D’s baby Amabella (I can’t I can’t I can’t)
3. She just wants to dress her baby in the finest accessories and costumes. You’re a millionaire, Pauly D: BUY YOUR BABY SOME EFFING COSTUMES ALREADY!

Since stone-cold dum-dums get together and bareback everyday, this shouldn’t really be news. HOWEVER, here’s what makes it juicier than a bottle of hair glue: Pauly D thinks Amanda Markert is an unfit mother because she worked at Hooters and has another child, so he wants full custody of Amabella (I still can’t). I know; a professional record player with Fraggle hair and a Dollar Tree spray tan is now an expert in parenting.

Pauly D needs to man-up and back a dump truck full of DJ Dollars into the driveway of her Egg Harbor, NJ duplex and make this whole mess blow over. The pictures of Rob Kardashian and Brody Jenner on Amanda Markert’s Instagram are very telling; I get the feeling that the longer she goes without child support, the sooner she goes on New Jersey local news to cry about how millionaire DJ Pauly D won’t buy her baby accessories and costumes (Fame Step.1), which then leads to interviews on national news (Fame Step 2.), and that of course leads to the greasy sleaze balls at Vivid knocking on her door with a cartoonishly-large sack of money to star in “I Had Pauly’s D” (Expert Fame Level COMPLETE).

(Pic via Instagram)

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