Channing Tatum’s been eschewing boring old press junkets in favor of a cross country promotional tour for his upcoming NASCAR themed heist movie, Logan Lucky. Channing and crew have been popping up in places where regular Americans go with their own MAGA (Make American Grind Again) campaign and chopping it up with the locals.
The first Magic Mike made over $113 million in the US, and even though the second one made just over $66 million, it still turned a profit. Channing Tatum is continuing to milk Magic Mike for money, and announced yesterday that a peen-flapping, crotch-thrusting, nipple-flashing Magic Mike Live show is hitting the Hard Rock (I see what they did there) in Las Vegas next March. If your genitals howl like a cartoon wolf in a tux over Channing Tatum, tell it to calm down, because he’s not going to be a regular in the show.
If Channing Tatum working in a metal shop ala Flashdance and Kevin Nash’ awkward stomping and luscious mane makes your loins gush like a vanilla pudding Snack Pack that’s been squeezed too tight, then cover your screen with Saran Wrap and lay down the tarp, because the first trailer for Magic Mike XXL is out. The Texas T-Rex is out (because his Oscar tells him that he’s way too fancy for this shit) and so is that annoying Cody Horn person who is the worst case of nepotism in a while. Amber Heard and Michael Straham’s gap are in. You don’t care, but here’s the synopsis anyway:
Picking up the story three years after Mike bowed out of the stripper life at the top of his game, “Magic Mike XXL” finds the remaining Kings of Tampa likewise ready to throw in the towel. But they want to do it their way: burning down the house in one last blow-out performance in Myrtle Beach, and with legendary headliner Magic Mike sharing the spotlight with them. On the road to their final show, with whistle stops in Jacksonville and Savannah to renew old acquaintances and make new friends, Mike and the guys learn some new moves and shake off the past in surprising ways.
You know what bothers me about that synopsis? The fact that there is a synopsis. We don’t want a plot! We just need 3D close-ups of bulges and Matt Boner’s ass bouncing up and down like a tiny bulldog in a pick-up truck as he humps the floor while “Pony” plays. This is the synopsis for Magic Mike XXL I want to read:
BULGE BULGE BUGLE DICK THRUSTING BULGE PECS DICK BULGE BULGE BULGE SWAYING DICK BULGE BULGE BOUNCING ASSES DICK BULGE BULGE TWERKING PECS BULGE BULGE AIR FUCKING BARE ASS BULGE BULGE DICK BULGE
And this is how product placement is done:
Although, it really should’ve been leche instead. They missed out on a good opportunity to make the best Got Milk? ad ever.
In Not Alright, Not Alright, Not Alright news, the director of Magic Mike XXL, Greg Jacobs, tells The Playlist that when the sequel comes out next year, Matthew McConaughey’s oiled-up, self-tanner-covered nips won’t be in it. Greg says that of course Channing Tatum is coming back as Mike since he helped write the thing and he’ll be joined by Matt Boner, Joe ManJello and comedian Gabriel Iglesias who’s going to play a DJ. Greg says it starts shooting at the end of this month. Back in June, Gabriel Iglesias told UsWeekly that he heard the Texas T-Rex wasn’t going to be in it, because his ass is too expensive and “that whole Oscar thing, the nerve right?” So basically the Texas T-Rex is that rags to riches friend of mine who said, “Eh, there’s not really anything for me to eat there,” when I asked her if she wanted to have lunch at Chili’s. Bitch, don’t act like I haven’t seen you eat nachos made with saltines and melted Kraft singles before.
Since we’re on the subject of Things Not Coming Back To Magic Mike 2, here’s two things that shouldn’t come back to Magic Mike 2:
1. Cody Horn (Side note: Cody Horn is the perfect gay porn star name). Cody Horn’s dad was President of Warner Bros. when Magic Mike, a Warner Bros. picture, was being cast. Cody Horn was a human boner killer. The only thing she did in that movie was stare into the air with her dead eyes and tell the strippers to stop stripping. When I go to see a movie about hot dude strippers, the last thing I want to see is a judgmental nag telling the hot dudes to keep their clothes on. Trick, shut your mouth!
2. Any resemblance of a plot. Besides Cody Horn, the main problem with Magic Mike was that it tried to have a plot. Who cares about missing drugs and shit? Just show us 2 hours of Matt Boner’s greased up nalgas clenching and unclenching.
Oh, and I have a third one:
3. Cody Horn. Just in case you didn’t get it the first time.
And here’s Joe ManJello in a t-shirt and Sofia Vergara leaving a restaurant in West Hollywood after having breakfast today.
Joe ManJello spends at least 19 hours of his day lifting heavy things and trying to lick his peen tip while doing crunches, so he owes it to himself and everyone else to show off all that hard work by never wearing clothes in public again. Which is why I CAN’T with him for wearing a guido’s funeral suit to the premiere of the movie where his nipples are out for most of it. Who the hell wears clothes to the premiere of a movie about man strippers? Seeing all these dudes in suits has confirmed to me that I don’t want to see all these dudes in suits. As Reese Witherspoon said to Kiefer Sutherland in Freeway, “Take all them panties off, mister!” That goes for Matthew McConaughey, Adam Rodriguez, Alex Pettyfer, Channing Tatum and Matt Boner. Okay, maybe not Channing Tatum. He can stand in the corner while holding all of the other dudes’ clothes. Somebody has to.
I’ve already made plans to see this Magic Mike mess on Saturday and that gives Jesus plenty of time to show himself by converting this shit to IMAX 3D. Actually, scratch that. If you’re going to ask Jesus for something, you should really ask Jesus for something. Please make the screen at my showing burst into flames and make Alex Petmyfur, Adam Rodriguez, Matt Boner and Joe ManJello save the day by strolling in and letting the operator show the movie on their bare ass cheeks. Make me a believer!
FINALLY! Those Magic Mike hos realized that what’s really going to sell this Showgirls with floppy dicks mess isn’t a stupid plot nobody cares about or a dumb ass annoying girl, it’s oiled up man ass. (Side Whisper: Why, hello there, John Travolta. I know you’re here since you have “oiled up man ass” in your Google alerts.) Press the mute button on this shit unless you really want a side of RiRi’s goat yodel with your man ass. Then hit pause at 0:10 to see Alex Pettyfer’s ass, then again at 0:12 to see Matt Boner face hump a lady, then again at 0:31 to see Pettyfer pout with both lips, then again at 0:46 to see a shadow of Big Dick Richie’s prosthetic peen, then again at 0:52 to see some Texas T-Rex ass and finally hit the double lines at 0:54 for Channing Tatum’s sideways smile. If you need me, I’ll be trying to find a way to make holograms of all those screen grabs to put under the lid of my coffin.