On last night’s episode of that lip-synching show that’s not RuPaul’s Drag Race, two magical things happened:
1. Anthony Mackie stripped down to a Spandex onesie while mouthing his lips to MC Hammer’s 2 Legit 2 Quit and his calzone titties quickly stole the show by bouncing up and down as he served up some hot moves. Those jumping chest dumplings hypnotized me into motorboating the screen.
2. Joseph Gordon-Levitt nailed his Rhythm Nation Janet Jackson impersonation right down to the rouge that made it look like heavenly angels scooted across his cheeks right after they went caca. JGL gave it like he’s been waiting for this day since his 8-year-old self danced to Rhythm Nation in front of his bedroom mirror.
LL Cool J is probably stunned, because his tip got moist from seeing JGL as Janet Jackson and he doesn’t know how to process that.
Nick Lachey Tells Us What We’ve Already Known: Kim Kartrashian Has Always Been A Shameless Fame Whore
Long before Kim Kartrashian replaced whatever was left of her soul with Botox and filled her uterus with the Illuminati’s chosen one, she dated Nick Lachey for a quick second. You might be saying to yourself, “I didn’t know Nick Lachey had a black dick.” The year was 2006, so Nick was way more famous then than he is now and that’s why Kim screwed with him.
In hell’s official bible Kardashian Konfidential, the KKK’s ghost writer writes that Kim’s first touch of fame came when she went to the movies with Nick Lachey and pictures of their date showed up in the tabloids the next day. Details (via Radar) asked Nick Lachey if humanity can blame him for kreating the Kartrashian kunt monster and he said:
Nick: That’s one way to interpret it. Let’s just say this: We went to a movie. No one followed us there. Somehow, mysteriously, when we left, there were 30 photographers waiting outside. [Laughs] There are certain ways to play this game, and some people play it well.
Details: She also had some help from that sex tape.
Nick: Yeah, well that was already in the can.
“Already in the can...” I see what you did there, Nick. While I can appreciate Nick telling the world what we’ve already known, he is dumb for admitting that he screwed with a Kartrashian once. That’s something you never ever admit. Dudes have gone broke from paying hypnotists to erase that memory from their brains. That’s not even something you want to take to the grave with you. That’s something you want to bury in a landfill far, far away. Nick should just deny, deny, deny. That wasn’t him in those pictures with Kimodo Kartrashian. It was just another buff frog with luscious man titties like no other. I mean, I never knew that Nick was infected with the Kardashian-brand of khlamydia, but now I do. I bet Nick’s son is going to file for emancipation now.
And if you were wondering what it would look like if Gumby ate Pokey and swallowed all of the Blockheads with his ass, here you go:
Unfortunately for me, NBC didn’t announce today that they’re going to save the network by replacing Jay Leno as the host of The Tonight Show with a naked Anderson Cooper (and The Hammaconda as his sidekick), but they did announce that The Almighty Chin will retire and Jimmy Fallon will replace him. Fallon will take over next spring and The Tonight Show will move to NYC. NBC also said that Lorne Michaels will take over as executive producer. Deadline is hearing that Seth Meyers is still talking to NBC about taking Jimmy Fallon’s soon-to-be old job. Here’s a piece of NBC’s press release:
UNIVERSAL CITY, Calif. – April 3, 2012 – Jay Leno, longtime host of NBC’s “The Tonight Show with Jay Leno,” announced today that he will wrap up what will be 22 years of headlining the iconic late-night show in Spring 2014. NBC also announced today that Jimmy Fallon, now host of NBC’s “Late Night with Jimmy Fallon,” will transition into new hosting duties on “The Tonight Show” franchise after Leno concludes his successful run.
As part of the transition, “The Tonight Show” will be returning to its original home in 30 Rock in New York and will be executive-produced by Emmy Award winner Lorne Michaels (“Saturday Night Live,” “30 Rock”). Programming plans for the 12:35 a.m. (ET) time period currently are in development and will be announced soon. Said Leno: “Congratulations Jimmy. I hope you’re as lucky as me and hold on to the job until you’re the old guy. If you need me, I’ll be at the garage.”
Said Fallon: “I’m really excited to host a show that starts today instead of tomorrow.”
Our thoughts and prayers should be with every staff member at every nursing home, because the oldies will throw their caramel squares across the room and slap down tricks when they hear this news. But they shouldn’t get too upset. I’m sure NBC will put Jimmy Fallon on a bus headed for TBS as soon as Jay Leno decides he wants his job back.
Getting a job as Brit Brit’s leased boyfriend is almost harder than getting a job as Tommy Girl’s robot beard and it’s way harder than getting a job at Target. Radar says that right after Brit Brit’s contract with Jason Trainwreck expired and he was dropped from her payroll, Daddy Spears started looking for a new full-time male escort to keep her occupied so she won’t chew out the tracking device from under her skin, pull her pink wig out of storage and go on a gas station terror tour again.
A source says that Daddy Spears gave David Lucado the job, because the dude’s normal enough and just like Brit Brit, he likes dressing like he just bought everything from a Miller’s Outpost clearance sale in the 90s. But before Normal Guy Dave officially got the job as Brit Brit’s corporate Frapp holder, he had to go through a serious background check and sign an agreement stating that he’ll never open up his mouth about her personal life. Radar’s source didn’t say this, but I’m pretty sure Normal Guy Dave also got a health check-up to make sure he’s not allergic to spicy pork rinds and Cheetos. That’s a deal breaker. The source said this:
“Jamie has known David (Lucado) for awhile, and always thought he was a thoughtful, and an all-around good guy. Britney needed someone to keep her company after she and Jason (Trawick) broke up. It had to be a male, because Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females. And remember, she is still under a conservatorship. Before David started spending time with Brit, he had to undergo a background check, and sign a confidentiality agreement, all arranged by Papa Spears. Jamie makes sure if things go south between Jamie and Britney, details about her life wouldn’t be made public. David had absolutely no problem with it, and completely understood why it was being done.”
“Britney just doesn’t respond as well to females….” They’re talking about her like she’s a sedated circus animal who’s only purpose to her emotionless handlers is to make them zillions of dollars. Oh, wait…
Background checking a possible piece isn’t only something that a hillbilly puppet master does to protect his money-making pop doll, it’s something a lot of people do. At one time, my cousin wanted to be a regular Detective La Toya and she was taking private investigator training courses. Running background checks became her drug. She loved doing it. Every time I started dating a new dude, she’d ask me if I wanted her to run a background check on him. I always turned her ass down, because what’s the point? Even if he had a record the size of a Lohan’s or had a credit score under 600, I’d still do him.
Here’s Normal Guy Dave and Brit Brit going to eat meatballs in Las Vegas over the weekend. Try not to be jealous of her hillbilly Farrah wings.
Before Lindsay Lohan checks herself into lockdown rehab for 90 days, she’s going to fly to Brazil to collect a six-figure check to pose and party at several events. TMZ says that right after LiLo shoots a guest appearance on her sugar daddy’s show Anger Management, she’s taking her freckled ass to South America. If the California Justice System really wants LiLo to serve that 90 days, they better attach a 6,000 mile-long leash on her ass, because something tells me bitch is going to predictably “lose” her passport or she’s going to marry a South American drug lord and stay down there forever. Brazil better close their doors to all things Lohan before they’re stuck with her ass.
LiLo still owes the IRS over $100,000 and since they refused White Oprah’s offer to call it even in exchange for Cody Lohan’s internal organs, LiLo has to somehow come up with the money. Some source tells TMZ that LiLo made a six-figure deal with a clothing line to promote their shit in Brazil. LiLo leaves on Wednesday. Since TMZ’s source’s name probably rhymes with Vina Hohan, she’s probably exaggerating as usual and by “six-figures” she really means two 8-balls and a half bottle of gin.
In other LiLo news, TMZ also says that even though she accepted 90 days in rehab, she doesn’t think she has a problem with booze and keeps filling her body with the sweet nectar. LiLo was guzzling down vodka sodas just hours after she was sentenced to rehab and she’s been partying ever since. On Friday night, LiLo and a friend showed up to a club called FLUXX in San Diego and sat at a VIP table. LiLo apparently didn’t want to be seen, because she wore a hoodie sweatshirt and a cap. Several vodkas on the rocks made their way down LiLo’s throat and she demanded that the server bring her vodka in a glass carafe, because she didn’t want any booze bottles on the table.
TMZ also reports that a bear shit in the woods on Friday night.
Lindsay Lohan getting as much booze in her body as she can before she checks into rehab is about as surprising as me spending my Friday night drunkenly watching Showgirls on Cinemax and reciting every single line. I can’t do a lot of things while drunk (example: pee standing up), but I can perfectly recite every line in Showgirls.
TMZ says that right after Lindsay Lohan crashed her Porsche into an 18-wheeler on PCH, police found a bottle of booze lying next to her car and one officer said the smell of alcohol was wafting out of her mouth. LieLo told the cops that she wasn’t driving the Porsche, but a bunch of witnesses saw her driving and said she switched places with her assistant right after she butt fucked the 18-wheeler hard. The police didn’t give LiLo a Breathalyzer test, because they knew it would explode if she blew into it and they didn’t want to deal with broken equipment. They didn’t give her a sobriety test at the time, because they thought she was a passenger and there’s nothing illegal about being a drunk passenger. (If there was, I’d be on death row.) They also didn’t give her a sobriety test, because they knew she’d fail and they’d waste their time by arresting her since nothing ever happens to her.
Before LiLo’s dumb ass fired Shawn Holley without knowing it, Shawn was working on a plea deal in the case. After Shawn told LiLo that she’d rather suck off a lamprey than continue to be her lawyer, the plea deal was taken off of the table. But LiLo’s new lawyer, that buffoon Mark Heller, is currently negotiating a new plea deal that’ll keep her ass out of the clink. The Santa Monica Attorney is offering LiLo 60 days in rehab and community service in New York if she pleads no contest to lying to the cops about driving her Porsche. They also want LiLo to go to a bunch of AA meetings. Mark Heller and the SM Attorney are expected to make a deal today…maybe.
So to recap: this freckled piece of foreskin lint was most likely driving drunk and she lied to the cops, and she’s still not going to jail. I used to think that coming out of White Oprah’s snatch was a curse, but I guess it was a gift. You get to do whatever the hell you want.
And I bet that part of the deal is that the LAPD will have to give LiLo two bottles of vodka. One bottle of vodka is for the bottle of vodka she had to pour out on the side of the road when the cops showed up after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. The second bottle of vodka is for ruining her buzz by asking her a bunch of questions after she crashed her Porsche into that semi. I mean, can’t the cops just let Lindsay Lohan drive drunk in peace! (Apparently, they can and they are.)