I’ve always pictured Fergie as that “cool” aunt who engages with the youth in her family by saying things like “It’s Lit!” and “Turn Up!” while twerking to old skool Luke jams (and yes I used both Luke and “jams” because I am the male version of that aunt so shut up). She proved everyone right with my description when she brutally murdered the National Anthem at the NBA All Star Game earlier this year. And while the rest of the world was cringing, Golden State Warriors superstar Draymond Green spoke for all of us when the camera caught his expression of “Is this bitch serious?” Yes, Draymond, she was. And now her ex-husband Josh Duhamel is calling Draymond out for his not-so-subtle reaction and wants an apology immediately.
Didn’t Mimi already pull this stunt? On Tuesday, a tropical storm hit the East Coast. Fergie Fergalicious had to get to the Paley Center Honors (she was presenting) and the Huffington Post reports that the storm caused the singer to take the subway (?). Was there a massive tsunami heading towards Manhattan and she was seeking refuge underground? Isn’t she used to being wet by now?
One person who wasn’t spending time reading all of the think piece posts hating (most of them) on artistic trailblazer Fergie’s “sexy jazz”(?) rendition of the National Anthem? Her ex Josh Duhamel. Josh and his graying temples have already moved on. UsWeekly says that the Unsolved: The Murders of Tupac and Biggie dude is dating actress Eiza González (who was in Baby Driver).
One of those exclusive-type sources says that Josh (who will always be Leo who fell over the waterfall and out of Greenlee’s life forever on All My Children to me…I have a life…I swear… it’s around here somewhere) and Eiza have been “quietly dating” for a couple of weeks. They reportedly met at a party after Jennifer Lopez’s pre-Superbowl concert on Feb 3. 45-year-old Josh and 28-year-old Eiza, who was previously linked with Liam Hemsworth, really hit it off.
“They drank and partied together until very late,” the insider says. “After, Josh reached out to a mutual friend and asked for Eiza’s number.”
So far, though, most of their dates have been via smartphone.
“They definitely have a connection because they’ve been FaceTiming and texting nonstop while she’s been in England working,” the insider tells Us. “They’re keeping it on the down-low. He’s telling her he’s never met anyone like her before.”
Oh, that’s what they all say! Don’t fall for that, Eiza! Guys who say that are either sociopaths or they have secret wives. Either that or one of their PR flacks who was posing as the source needs to be fired or perhaps take a writing class or two. (Don’t think I don’t hear you muttering “speaking of writing courses, J. Harvey…,” you in the back!)
Will.i.am Reminds Us That Fergie Is Out Of Black Eyed Peas, And Nicole Scherzinger Might Replace Her
I’m going to assume that after Fergie’s “cats dying a sexy death” performance at Sunday night’s NBA All-Star game will.i.am said to himself “Let me remind folks that I no longer claim this broad.” Let’s not forget that time last year when he informed us all that Fergie had left the Black Eyed Peas but it didn’t matter because she was merely just a scoop and not a full helping. However, he’s revealed that an invitation may be open to former Pussycat Dolls lead singer Nicole Scherzinger to replace Fergie.
Fergie should really be spending all of her time opening up thank you cards from the NBA (for getting their little event some much-needed attention) and the ancestors of Francis Scott Key and John Stafford Smith (for finally interpreting their song right by doing it like a cougar drunk on daiquiris at a strip mall jazz club open mic night). But Fergie somehow found time to put together a statement for the hating bitches with no taste who did not understand the stream of art that warbled out of her mouth at last night’s All-Star Game.
Fergie said in the statement she gave to TMZ that she took a risk. Kind of like the legendary time she took a risk by holding her piss and ended up pissing herself on stage. Only some will say that instead of letting out piss on the stage, she let out a turd onto the court. Fergie should’ve just said it was an anti-Trump performance art piece, but instead she shrugged and went the “I tried” route:
“I’ve always been honored and proud to perform the national anthem and last night I wanted to try something special for the NBA. I’m a risk taker artistically, but clearly this rendition didn’t strike the intended tone. I love this country and honestly tried my best.”
Deadspin has video from Scat Queen Fergie’s National Anthem rehearsal, and surprisingly, everyone’s just standing around instead of covering her mouth with their hands while proclaiming, “Bitch, don’t do this!” But fuck the haters, it was a weird masterpiece mess. Fergie should really have the last laugh by marketing her version of the National Anthem as a high-powered security alarm that will keep out criminals and everybody else with ears. Nobody will dare go near your house if they think it’s being guarded by a wild hyena in heat. She’d outsell Whitney Houston’s version!
The makers of Alocane emergency burn gel are popping bottles of champagne this morning since sales are probably at an all-time high from people running their asses out to Walgreens to buy some as torturous flames burned their eardrums from Fergie shrieking out the National Anthem last night. She sounded like a deranged cat doing the worst Amy Winehouse impersonation ever as someone shoves its tail into a garbage disposal. But while many are reporting Fergie to the authorities for viciously murdering their sense of hearing and the National Anthem, I’m saluting her for sharting out the most entertaining version of the Star-Spangled Banner (more like the Dirt Star-Mangled Banner) since The Cheetah Girls. Fergie’s rendition was a masterpiece from her sexily strutting up to the mic like somebody’s drunk mom doing Marilyn Monroe’s Happy Birthday, Mr. President number to her thinking she killed it at the end. She killed it alright, and she also killed millions of eardrums and face muscles from cringing so hard. This is the version of the National Anthem we deserve right now, honestly.