It was rumored a few days ago that Fergie had either been kicked out of the group or she left due to “creative differences.” The rumors are true. will.i.am has confirmed that Fergie is officially out of the group. While talking to UAE entertainment magazine Ahlan! (via E! News), will.i.am said that it’s not that dramatic; Fergie is working on her solo stuff, and they’re working on their latest project, Masters of the Sun. There was a rumor that Fergie might be replaced by Nicole Scherzinger, but will.i.am said that’s not true. Nicole is just working with them on their new album. He added that Black Eyed Peas is on Fergie’s second solo album, Double Dutchess.
Fergie Ferg celebrates motherhood by dousing her lady humps, bumps, lumps, dumps, what have you (“chumps” comes to mind when Kim Kardashian’s hot air balloon disaster ass wobbles up) in milk in her new “MILF$” video. It’s a pervy celebration of mommy complexes, Mary Kay Letourneau-esque classroom fap fantasies, and lactation. Yum!
According to the opening shot, “MILF” in this case stands for “Mothers I’d Like To Follow,” so expect something innocent and demure. That’s dumb. She shrieks out “motherfucker” at least three times during the course of this faux cum fiesta. Why the backpedaling?
In addition to Kummy Kakes, celebrity moms assisting Fergie in her effort to turn the world off of dairy forever are Chrissy Teigen, Ciara, Alessandra Ambrosio, Devon Aoki, Gemma Ward, Angela Lindvall, Amber Valletta, Tara Lynn, Natasha Poly, and Isabeli Fontana.
The only one I fully support in this video is Amber Valleta because she was the recipient of one of the better television hell diva flip-offs in recent history when Madeline Stowe’s Victoria read her character’s sidepiece ass on Revenge.
She must have emerged from that feeling shiny and brand-new. Like an acid bath makeover! “Every time I hug you is my hatred burning through.” Gather her, Victoria Grayson!
Fergie should have given this messy video some class by having Victoria’s Grayson’s dead-eyed resentful ass “sexy” yoga mom-ing it alongside these other chicks.
Check out the video (and some screencaps of Fergie and friends) in the gallery below.
Last night, George Clooney and his tequila tasting partner Rande Gerber threw a pre-Halloween party sponsored by their tequila company, Casamigos, and – shock of all shocks, a bunch of Georgie’s famous friends showed up. Even though the Casamigos party was held on the day before Halloween, everyone still dressed up, because why wouldn’t you? When you’re rich as shit, you can afford to have your assistant stand in line outside of the Hell on Earth that is Party City 3 days before Halloween. Still, there’s always that one person who cannot muster a single fuck and shows up in regular clothes, and that person was Salma Hayek. Stars, they’re just like us!
There is literally nothing Halloween-y about Salma Hayek. It’s like she forgot about that shit, and decided to swing by on her way home from Barneys. Salma is giving me “pity pop-in“, and I love it. She probably told her rich-ass husband, François-Henri Pinault, that they were going to make an appearance at a party hosted by “some guy she worked with on From Dusk till Dawn” and assured him that it would “only take a second.”
Or maybe that is her costume: second wife of a French billionaire is a costume, right? But really, why bother putting in any effort when Jessica Alba is going to show up and shut everyone else down with her on-point Romy White costume.
That wig! You know someone is 100% into a costume when they spring for the good wig. For those of you screaming “BUT WHERE’S MICHELE???“, Jessica got a friend to dress up as Michele. I know, Cash Warren really dropped the ball on that one.
Here’s more famous types from George and Rande’s Casamigos party last night. Not pictured: George and Amal Clooney. I guess they decided to shock everyone and go as a couple who didn’t want to pose for the paps.
I don’t know what the hell is on the floor in that picture, but it’s giving me a major craving for string cheese (“What else is new?” just hissed my stomach).
Gwyneth Paltrow Instagrammed this picture of Jennifer Lopez, Patrick Schwarzenegger, Miley Cyrus, Scarlett Johansson, and Amy Adams sitting in the front row of Tom Ford’s FW15 womenswear show in Los Angeles last night, and it was literally only 1/856th of the famous types that were there. Everybody was there. And when I say everybody, I mean everybody. Beyonce? YES. Angelica Huston? YES. Gina Gershon? HELL YES. My great aunt Gladys? PROBABLY. I haven’t asked her yet, but I’m assuming she was there, since everybody was there. It was like the Oscars and the Grammys and the Emmys and the CableACE Awards got together in the backseat of a 1994 Ford Tempo and made a random fluids baby.
I don’t know what Tom Ford did to get that many famous types at his fashion show, but it must have involved promising to wash their cars for a year or “take care” of their enemies and make it look like an accident or something, because people that I haven’t seen in forever showed up. Faith Hill was there. When is the last time you saw Faith Hill at something? Robbie Williams. ROBBIE WILLIAMS! I’m sure if the dog from Fraiser hadn’t died 9 years ago, he would have been there too.
And I know Kanye West thinks he’s a legitimate fashion designer now, but he needs to realize that you haven’t made it until Cristal Connors from Showgirls shows up to your show. Until then, you’re still a nobody (sorry Kanye). Here’s a bunch of famous people from Tom Ford’s show last night, including the living life legend herself Gina Gershon, Goopy, Reese Witherspoon, Sofia Vergara and Joe Manganiello, and John Legend wearing a Canadian Tuxedo for some reason:
When I was younger, I wanted so badly to go to the mall and get some glamour shots taken. Sadly, we didn’t have a Glamour Shots®-brand photo studio in the mall closest to where I lived, and I wasn’t willing to settle for the sub-par Classy Clicks at the Sears portrait studio (it wasn’t actually called Classy Clicks, but I can assume it was some kind of lame-sounding Glamour Shots rip-off). So I never got to experience the sheer joy and soft-focus sophistication that comes from putting on a feather boa and gently caressing the right side of your face with your left hand in front of a Glamour Shots camera. I know, you’ll cry for me later, I’m sure.
Of course, that’s the sort of thing you never really get over, and seeing Diana Ross at the American Music Awards last night looking like a glamorous feather boa-wrapped beauty didn’t help. Look at her! She’s EXACTLY what I imagined my Glamour Shots shot would look like: those carefree curls, her chin resting delicately on her exposed shoulder, the coy look in her eyes that says “I’m classy, but also a lil’ sassy.” All that’s missing is a dusty mauve backdrop and a 60W incandescent light bulb illuminating her from behind.
In case you’re wondering why she was at the AMAs and not at home getting a 24k gold facial like she SHOULD be, it’s because she was hired to present Taylor Swift with the Dick Clark Award for Excellence. And no, she didn’t bounce one of Tay Tay’s tittes – we’re not that lucky.
Here’s more of Miss Diana Ross sashaying down the red carpet of the American Music Awards in a coat made from Archimedes’ relatives, as well as everyone else at the AMAs, including gorgeous humanoid Dencia, a silk-wrapped JLo, and Jessie J, who looks like a very fancy makeup consultant:
And now in “It’s not wrong, but it’s not right” news, Fergie – a name I’ll always associate with eyebrow piercings, Von Dutch trucker hats, and those ruffled striped mini skirts – admitted to Chelsea Handler on Chelsea Lately Thursday night that her 11-month son Axl Duhamel is really into French kissing right now, but he’s not practicing his skills on a Playskool Glow Worm like all his other baby friends. Fergie says he’s Frenching on her, and she loves it:
“My son likes to French kiss me a lot. It’s so delicious! He goes in for the kill, but I’ll have to cut that off at a certain age, or else it’ll be weird, a little bit Oediupus.”
Cut to Stephanie Seymour throwing a “Speak for yourself, bitch” side-eye.
Obviously Axl doesn’t know what he’s doing is borderline not-right, because he’s a baby, and babies love to stick their tongues in everything, but I’d be worried about him swallowing excessive amounts of lipstick. Fergie has a face that was built for a trowel and a two-ton tub of spackle, and her mouth is always coated in a thick layer of lead-based paint. No doubt Baby Axl tongues his mama’s alkyd-coated mouth and gets that same dizzy googly-eyed feeling you get when you accidentally sniff too much nail polish, and spends the rest of nap time chasing the Dragon Tales dragons.
But maybe Axl isn’t trying to French kiss her at all; maybe he’s actually searching for leftover tidbits of meth! Axl, no! It’s not worth it! You’re too cute to show up on one of those “Baby Faces of Meth” mug shot collections!