You won’t see Drake doing the moonwalk anytime soon. Mostly because he only knows how to do that one Kiki challenge dance, but also because he’s not fucking with Michael Jackson anymore. According to Complex, Drake’s just made a last minute change to his setlist for the kickoff of his tour in Manchester, England this past weekend. Drake won’t be performing “Don’t Matter to Me” off his Scorpion album, which featured “previously unheard vocals from Michael Jackson”. Oops, maybe he can ask the Jackson Estate if he can get his money back.
I don’t know if Drake has secret cancer or what but he’s been blowing through little Adonis’ inheritance at an alarming rate these past few months. He recently bought himself a $400,000 iPhone case for Valentine’s Day which he has probably already dropped in the toilet a few times. And now he’s just dropped $1.4 million on a car which he bought with the help of his “Bespoker”. I hear you, what the actual fuck is a Bespoker? If you have to ask, you can’t afford it.
While I awaited the candy at CVS to go on sale the day after Valentine’s Day, the Champagne Papi Drake was out here ballin’ just because. And why shouldn’t he? After pretending he didn’t care about winning a Grammy last week he needed something cheap to ensure he stayed humble like the working class. So why not drop $400,000 on a phone case for a device he’ll toss away in about six months? Yes, that’s the mere definition of practicality.
Today, the word irony takes on a completely new meaning after last night’s circle jerk of congratulations, aka The Grammys. Though there were plenty of moments that left the audience in various states of “The fuck is going on here?” one of the biggest moments of the night was when Drake won a Grammy for Best Rap Song then in a stunning plot twist basically told everyone in the audience and at home “Man, these Grammys ain’t shit!”
I guess Nicki Minaj is getting a little stiletto shy these days, so instead of going after a true foe like Cardi B, she’s taking pop shots at easy targets like Drake who’s about as hard to hit as a napping Canadian Goose. Nicki’s latest music video, for her song “Hard White”, is a real feast for the eyes, if your eyes like eating the poorly lit contents of a dumpster in the parking lot of a Paramus, New Jersey Church of Satan.
According to E! News, there’s a visual diss aimed at Drake in the form of busted up scorpion. Wow Nicki, way to kick a man while he’s down. Drake’s going to add this to his running list of devastating body blows right above that one time an 8-year-old yelled “Jimmy, you can walk!” at him on the street, and right below that time his mom found his masturbation sock, washed it, folded it nicely and left it on his pillow with a note that read “Yours, honey?”.
I am blessedly child-free so I only have to endure insipid children’s programming when I’m with my 5-year-old niece who inexplicably loves something called PJ Masks. I tried to get her to explain the appeal to me, but it was kind of like trying to get a straight answer out of Lindsay Lohan about that kidnapping attempt. Pointless and confusing. Thankfully, the dear child enjoys a wider variety of music than she does in TV. She listens to all kinds of grown up music like Bruno Mars. She also likes Bruno Mars, Bruno Mars, and Bruno Mars. As far as I know, she hasn’t discovered Drake yet, and that’s good because I don’t trust him around children. But apparently she’s in the minority; kids go gaga for Drake, despite the fact that his lyrics often touch on adult subject matters like God and (ALLEGEDLY) fucking Kim Kardashian. Enter Kidz Bop 39 Feat. “In My Feelings”, making Drake safe for the juice box set.