Coachella? Never heard of her. Essence Fest, step aside. The biggest and baddest music festival of the decade will be held in next Friday in Detroit, and you’d have to beg, steal, or slap on a wig and borrow somebody else’s identity, if you wanted to attend. Aretha Franklin’s homegoing celebration is scheduled for August 31, and the lineup of artists slated to perform includes Stevie Wonder, Chaka Khan, Jennifer Holliday, Jennifer Hudson, Fantasia, and a slew of other superstars from the gospel, classical, R&B worlds.
Chaka Khan filled her nostrils with dragon chasing-dust and coke for years and she eventually beat her addiction to the bad shit. But now Chaka Khan is trying to kick another addiction. Chaka’s glorious lion mane is full of secrets and glamour, and up until recently, she says it was also full of painkillers. Chaka has cleared her touring schedule, because she realized that she needs to deal with her health. When Chaka’s longtime friend Prince became a puckering purple star in the sky, she realized that she needs to get herself together.
The Associated Press says that both 63-year-old Chaka Khan (born name: Yvette Marie Stevens) and her 61-year-old singer sister Taka Boom (born name: Yvonne Stevens) are addicted to the same painkiller that led to Prince’s death. Prince died of a Fentanyl overdose. Chaka and Taka decided to both fight their painkiller addiction together and so they’ve checked into an “intensive rehabilitation and aftercare program.” As Chaka’s Fentanyl supplier packed up their office, changed their name and ran out of the country to avoid a possible investigation, she gave this statement to the AP:
“Unfortunately, I will miss concert appearances over the summer. However, it’s vital that I put my health and well-being first. I know that I am disappointing some of my fans, but I also know they would want me to recover and be well and healthy.
[My sister and I] agreed we would take this journey together and support each other through the recovery. The tragic death of Prince has had us both rethinking and reevaluating our lives and priorities. We knew it was time to take action to save our lives. My sister and I would like to thank everyone for their support, love and prayers.”
Good for Chaka and Taka (Side note: My fingertips get the tingles every time I type those names together), but they must be really, really close to do rehab together. I mean, my sister and I are really, really close too, but my brain can’t even wrap itself around the idea of spending weeks with my sister in the same building where we’d spill out our feeling while 100% sober. That would lead to us sharing a padded room together after having a brother/sister nervous breakdown.
And here’s Chaka greeting her loyal subjects at LAX back in May:
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
Dancing with the WHOs? announced the cast for its 21st season this morning and yes, this wreck is still on and yes, it’ll be on forever, because there will always be has-beens, fame whores and never-wases who will gladly take a check in exchange for busting out the Viennese Waltz while wearing tons of fucking sequins. The good and surprising news is that the producers didn’t cast a Duggar or Ben Affleck’s nanny or catfisher extraordinaire Rachel Dolezal (although that mess is going to be busy making the most out of being knocked up). The bad news is that Paula Deen is in the cast. Actually, I shouldn’t say that’s “bad news,” because I’m sure she’ll win back the hearts of America when she dances the Jive to Al Jolson’s “Mammy” while her partner is done up like a giant butter stick.
The entire cast is below and I think my brain squirted out a “scratching head emoji” only five times!
Andy Grammer (Wikipedia tells me he’s a singer) is paired with Allison Holker
Alexa Vega (the little girl from Spy Kids) is paired with Mark Ballas
Bindi Irwin (Australia’s sweetheart when Queen Gina isn’t available to do her sweetheart duties) is paired with Derek Hough
Chaka Khan is paired with Keo Motsepe
Paula Deen is paired with Louis Van Amstel
Hayes Grier (a Vine and YouTube “star“) is paired with Emma Slater
Nick Carter is with Sharna Burgess
Carlos Pena (the little girl from Spy Kids’ husband) is paired with Witney Carson
Gary Busey is paired with Anna Trebunskaya
Alek Skarlatos (the French train hero) is paired with Lindsay Arnold
Victor Espinoza (the jockey best known for riding American Pharoah who should’ve been cast instead) is paired with Karina Smirnoff
Tamar Braxton (living Muppet and Toni Braxton’s sister) is paired with Val Chermovskiy
Kim Zolciak (The WIG from Bravo) is paired with Tony Dovolani
I may have to start watching this shit again. But I’ll only watch it until Gary Busey, who announced that he’s in the cast while riding a horse and dressed like a cowboy, is kicked out, which will probably be the first week since America has never understood and appreciated real organic dance talent like this:
And Gary’s partner Anna Trebunskaya better pre-book her trip to rehab now, because she’s going to need to dry out from all the booze, Valium, Xanax, morphine and Tension Tamer tea she’ll have to take to deal with his ass.
Pics: Wenn.com, ABC
I’m mad that there’s no VCT (visible camel toe), because I really want to see their sparkly camel toes do the Kid ‘n Play dance together.
Some dude with a name like a mid-level law firm (or a name like a Wilson Phillips cover band that only sings Chynna’s parts) won American Idol last night, because easily impressed teenage girls who lose their minds over white boys with guitars are the only tricks voting for that shit, but who cares about that when we’ve got Fantasia and Chaka Khan defying the laws of Spandex and sequins. With the help of an industrial-strength sausage caser, Fantasia and Chaka squeezed into catsuits and showed those amateur whores how suffocating-crotch-glamour is really done. Chaka wins this catsuit fever battle, because she’s Chaka and wins almost everything, but Fantasia gave her a run for her Cameflage. Fantasia looked like a giant gay eel trying to swallow Verdine White whole. Fantasia split that catsuit up the side, because she knows she’s way too much for it to handle and didn’t want it to overexert itself later. That was nice of Fanny.
Wearing that catsuit almost makes me forgive ‘Tasia for putting that discount Halloween store Morticia wig on her head. Almost. And here’s a few more pictures including some of Fantasia flashing her coma titties on the red carpet. Yes, Cher worked that look better almost 40 years ago, but I can’t hate Fantasia for trying.
No, your browser didn’t fall into a future portal and show you the first runway refugee on the new season of RuPaul’s Drag Race who was given her sashay away orders after losing a challenge where she had to make a Star Trek go-go dancer outfit out of Regretsy rejects. This is
Jenny Craig’sWeight Watchers’ main ho, JHud, wearing a whole lot of dusty pink NO at last night’s taping of Vh1 Divas Soul in NYC.
When you’re at the same event as the international icon of glamour Dolly Parton, this is not how come out. That lacefront was slapped on with Silly Putty, those retina-melting boots were made from my old glitter snap bracelets and the top of her dress almost looks like a bib of dehydrated menstrual berries. But even though JHud was hairline to toe fug, she still didn’t give us the most dreadful look last night. That title goes to Jessie J who really needs to have a permanent seat on a chair made of Super Glue. That low budget Mrs. White mop on her head gives me flames, FLAMES, on the side of my face.
Here’s more pictures from last night’s Vh1 Divas Soul, which I think airs tonight (I think). In order!: JHead, Jill Scott, Mary J. Blige, Florence Welch, Jessie Janky, Mavis Staples with Martha Reeves, Chaka with 50 Cent, Common and DOLLY!!!!