Here are two facts you’ll probably be surprised to learn:
1. On this planet, a Trace Adkins impersonator exists.
2. There was a country cruise to Jamaica and only ONE brawl happened on it. When you put a bunch of country fans on a boat full of booze, I expect it to be Halloween night at a Denny’s in Oakland every night.
TMZ says that Trace Adkins, who’s been sober for 12 years, was the headliner of a country cruise to Jamaica and on Monday he jumped off the wagon and put his fist in his impersonator’s face. A Trace Adkins impersonator was singing karaoke (please tell me he was singing a Trace Adkins song) in one of the bars on the ship when, for whatever reason, the real Trace Adkins attacked him. I was going to pray for video of real Trace and fake Trace fighting, but nothing will beat the image in my head. It’s like an extra large cup of 100 proof HAHAHAs. And naturally, when the ship got to Jamaica, Trace jumped off and checked his ass into rehab. I’m pretty sure the real Trace checked into rehab and not the fake Trace. But if it was the fake Trace, then all the other fake Traces out there better beware, because the real Trace is coming for them.
Trace’s rep spit out this statement to People:
“Trace has entered a treatment facility after a setback in his battle with alcoholism.As he faces these issues head-on, we ask that his family’s privacy will be respected.”
Well, the good news is that Trace doesn’t have to strain his brain while writing a messy country song about how he drunkenly beat himself up on a cruise ship to Jamaica, because that shit writes itself.
File this under: a story that will make you all warm and nostalgic for the glory days of 2005.
TMZ says that at a party in Miami last night, Lindsay Lohan thought she was a Crackhead Don or some shit when she made one of her friends whoop Barron Hilton’s ass. Barron told police that someone at the party told LiLo that he was talking shit about her. LiLo got in his face and said, “You talk shit about me to my boyfriend, this is what you get,” before one of her friends allegedly took his face to Beat Town. Barron says that LiLo laughed the entire time and egged her friend on. LiLo and her friend both got out of there before the cops showed up.
Barron told the cops that he has no idea who beat him up, but he knows that LiLo was the mastermind behind it. LiLo denies having anything to do with the fight, but TMZ has video of Barron’s friends confronting her about it. Because Michael Lohan is permanently attached to LiLo’s anus and knows everything, he told TMZ that she left the party before the fight started. Michael claims that even two security guards at the party will back her story up.
Finally, the Hilton vs. Lohan blood battle is back on! Everyone put on your head-to-toe Hazmat suit, because Lohan and Hilton fluids are about to fly. This story would really be a priceless jewel from the past if TMZ also reported that as this fight went down Parasite Hilton was in a corner booth using her hook nose to scoop up a bump of coke from the table while Fat Elvis yelled at the air. Those were the days.
This morning, I woke up to the most terrifying, horrific headline that made me almost let go of the empty bottle of red wine I spoon with and jump out of bed to rent a U-Haul, drive to Trader Joe’s and buy all the cases of Two-And-A-Half-Buck Chuck. The headline was:
But then I came across another headline that instantly healed me and gave me a buzz. Who needs wine when you can get happy drunk on a video of Guy Fieri having a whiny, screechy, slap fight with his hair stylist.
TMZ says that the throbbing boil on an albino porcupine’s ass was boozing with his hairdresser Ariel Ramirez on a flight to San Francisco International Airport on Saturday. When they landed, they both got into an SUV and were about to drive home when for some reason, they got into a fight and took each other to SlapDown Town. There was drama! There was theater! There was slapping! There was screaming! There were tears! There was anguish!
That video is my new favorite pick-me-up. Ariel sounds exactly like a drunken 21-year-old me screaming at my boyfriend outside of a gay bar after accusing him of throwing sex eyes at another trick.
Eventually, Guy’s manager took a weeping Ariel home in a cab. A source tells TMZ that Ariel and Guy were just “dudes being dudes.” Guy told TMZ that it was just “a bunch of guys messing around. Things got a little out of hand, but they’re all good now.” Yeah, a good old-fashioned bro brawl IS a peroxide-headed TV cook having a slappy, scream fight with his personal hair stylist.
There’s so much to be said about this. It’s really hard for me to believe that a hairdresser gets paid to travel around the country with Guy and do that to his hair. I thought he bleached that mess himself and got his hair spiky like that by sticking a deep fried zesty mozzarella stick up his ass. But I am more than happy that Ariel travels with Guy, because if he didn’t, they never would’ve gotten into this lovers spat at the airport and it never would’ve been captured on camera. They really need their own reality show called Dudes Being Dudes.
And Guy must’ve been tanked, because if he was sober, he would’ve screamed, “Not the hair, bitch, not the hair,” as Ariel slapped at him.
The fissure on humanity’s ass lips that refuses to heal, Chris Brown, was once again showing everyone that he’s a completely changed person and isn’t a mutated throbbing taint pimple that regularly explodes into a douche geyser of rage. And by that, I mean the opposite. TMZ says that The Difficult Brown was put into handcuffs in DC early this morning after he punched a dude in the face outside of the W Hotel. The dude apparently photo bombed a picture that Chris was taking with two women. I know, the most shocking part of all of this is that Fist Brown knocked out a dude and not one of the two women. (“See, my baby is changing!” – Mom Breezy)
TMZ says that around 4:30 am, Chris Brown and his bodyguard were hanging outside of the W Hotel when two women asked to take a picture with him. Right before the picture was about to be taken, two dudes, who don’t know Fist Brown, jumped in and that made Chris say to them, “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing,” before punching one in the face. They brawled on the ground for a bit before the fight was broken up and the cops showed up. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard were arrested for felony assault and the cops claim Chris wasn’t under the influence of anything mind altering. He was only under the influence of Chris Brown which is the worst drug of them all. The Difficult Brown and his bodyguard are sitting in jail right now and they’ll stay there until they face a judge tomorrow morning.
The dude who felt the wrath of The Difficult Brown was taken to the hospital. His nose is broken and he may need surgery. He told TMZ that if Fist Brown would’ve apologized to him afterward, he would’ve taken it and moved on, but since that didn’t happen, he will press charges. The Difficult Brown is still on probation and “breaking a dude’s nose” is considered a violation, so he could go to the clink for up to four years. But back to that ridiculous “I’m not into this gay shit, I’m into boxing” shit….
The Difficult Brown went on to say, “You know, boxing. I like to get shirtless, get sweaty and fist other dudes.” So taking a picture with dudes equals “gay shit“? The rage, the meth and the dirty enema water running through his veins must’ve eaten up whatever is left of his brains, because I don’t even know what that means. And every time The Difficult Brown pulls some shit like this, I take it as him begging the justice system to please throw him in a building with a bunch of locked-up, sexually frustrated men.
But seriously, I’m sure The Difficult Brown never said that shit. I mean, how can he be a homophobe when he’s an ambassador for equality?!
The new single is apart of my “UNITY CAMPAIGN” which encourages all races, genders, sexes, (everyone) gay or straight to love each other!
— Chris Brown (@chrisbrown) June 13, 2013
UPDATE: Someone in Team Difficult Brown tells TMZ that the dudes weren’t photo bombing a pic, they were trying to get on Chris Brown’s bus.
I live for two millionaire pepaws going at it and slapping the Werther’s Originals (with protein and whey, of course) out of each other’s mouths. Or in this case, one is doing the slapping while the other lazily rolls around in a California King bed made of cash as his child bride moisturizes his bald head with imported seahorse caviar.
Sylvester Stallone announced on Twitter today that Harrison Ford is replacing Bruce Willis in Expendables 3 (working title: Old Hot Bitches With Guns 3) and he scratched at Bruce’s bald head while doing so.
Sylvester Stallone’s spokeswhore told HuffPo that he did write the tweet and the tweet was about Bruce Willis, but they refused to say anything else.
I don’t know what Bruce Willis did to set Sylvester Stallone’s buff b-hole on fire. Bruce Willis has always been the epitome of a perfectly pleasant and amazingly generous co-worker. I’ve never EVER heard of him being a complete ass dingle to everyone he meets. My guess is that Bruce wanted more money and refused to lift a cement truck for 10 hours a day in the gym like Sly does. GREEDY and LAZY. Sylvester didn’t have to hire Harrison Ford, though. He could’ve just pulled out one of his mutant arm veins, fed it some more HGH, taught it a few words to say and made it the newest Expendables cast member.
And if you’re wondering why Harrison would do this shit. A check is a check and Claire’s isn’t lowering the price on their starter studs anytime soon.
Here’s Sly’s veins trying to wiggle out of his arms while he was on vacation in St. Tropez with his wife a couple of days ago.
Not since the Sharks fan kicked the Jets down has there been a gang story as hard as this one. Aaron Carter let all of us know that wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt in Boston is like wearing red in Crips territory. You’re going to get beat. (Actually, wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt anywhere is going to get you beat, but wearing one in Boston will really get you beat.)
Aaron Carter posted a picture on his Instagram this past weekend of him with a busted eye and he says that he got it from four hardcore NKOTB fans who didn’t like him being in Boston. Aaron was in Boston over the weekend to play a show on Sunday night and he says that as he was leaving a restaurant on Saturday night, a grown dude came at him in the parking lot and said the most threatening words that have ever been said, “I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.“A Chevy Malibu then pulled up (A CHEVY MALIBU!) and three other dudes jumped out. They popped the collars on their acid wash denim vests and chanted at Aaron, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Everybody’s always talkin’ ’bout who’s on top! Don’t cross our path, ’cause you’re gonna get stomped!” Then they knocked him out by doing the Hangin’ Touch dance in unison. At least, that’s how I picture it happening.
Aaron tells TMZ that as soon as the three other New Kids fans, who were all grown men, jumped out of the Chevy Malibu, they whooped his trick ass. Aaron said, “I think my knuckles might be broken, but that’s what they get. People think I’m a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I’m still standing.”
Aaron performed in Boston anyway, because he’s hard like that. Aaron says he didn’t file a police report because that’s “girlie.” That’s right! Real men run to their hotel rooms and upload pictures of their bruises on Instagram.
I LOVE THIS STORY. If this story had a b-hole, I’d bone it. Who cares if Aaron made this entire story up and he probably got those bruises in a meth deal gone wrong. Who cares if that black eye probably came from a meth dealer who didn’t appreciate Aaron asking, “Uh, can I suck yo dick for a gram?” Who cares! Aaron Carter makes up the best stories.
“This is the town of New Kids” is the most badass line I’ve ever heard.
Almost every person I know who is into NYC-born rapper/singer Azealia Banks is gay (Side note: I just need to let it be known that the only Banks whose team I’m on is Hilary Banks.), but some of the gay community turned on her and yanked on her Daryl-Hannah-in-Splash weave when she threw around the other f bomb on Twitter last night.
The messiness all started when Azealia, who is known for popping off at her rivals on Twitter, threw a subtle diss at rapper Angel Haze when she tweeted: “Seriously, if you were not born and raised in NY … DON’T CLAIM NY. YOU ARE NOT A NEW YORKER.” Because both of them needed the press, Angel Haze shot back and the two went at it like two 8th graders pulling each other’s hair in front of the cafeteria. Azealia and Angel Haze (which sounds like the worst smelling Victoria’s Secret fragrance ever) then took their fight to Garage Band by hitting each other with their own diss tracks. Then right after Azealia threw more hate at Angel Haze for having the Flatiron District on her chest, Perez Hilton poked his head into the fight when he tweeted this: “You got something against girls with small breasts???”
And then Azelaia turned her back to Angel, put another layer of Crisco on her face, dipped her glued-up hands in broken glass and went after Perez. The two scratched at each other’s faces and shit got really serious when she called him a “messy faggot.” Perez was shocked and appalled by this since we all know that the other f bomb has never fallen off his tongue before. Here’s the gist of their flame war:
So if I look up “messy faggot” in Azealia’s Dictionary, there will be a picture of Perez Hilton next to the definition: “a male who acts like a cunt.” THE HELL? As a gay dude who IS a cunt, I am extremely offended by this and need a personal apology from that troll Azealia right away. Azealia did issue a non-apology last night and then when she woke up this morning, she didn’t back down:
Oh, Twitter, turning “celebrities” into dumb bitches since 2006.
It’s been much too long since we’ve watched tricks and tramps get messy and foolish in the middle of a restaurant. But this time, bitches didn’t get crazy in a Denny’s (shocking) and it didn’t go down in Amurca. The Asians of Toronto are representing the fuckery this time. While Hurricane Sandy snatches weaves, exposes illegal tourist hotels, causes ConEd explosions, squirts up the subway stations and continues to be a real bitch, watch these Asians create a man-made disaster by getting messy in a Vietnamese restaurant. I want to say they’re whoopin’ each other’s asses Gangnam-style, but I’m pretty sure most of them are Vietnamese. Plates are flying! Jackets are coming off! Waitresses are stepping in!
The star of this video isn’t the dude shouting Worldstar over and over again, it’s the exquisite and delicate Asian flower with the mane of white blond hair. Of course that hair is all-natural. I used to think that the natural white blond Asian was just a myth like lesbian unicorns, but this video shows me that they exist in real-life. And they’re even more graceful, demure and refined than I imagined. I bet her nipples are made of cubic zirconia. She’s THAT genteel.
Oh Rihanna. I usually love bad girls (see la Liz, Amy Winehouse and Kate Moss) but she makes it so very, very difficult. It’s not the shitty music, or the titty baring outfits, or the seemingly low I.Q. It’s that annoying habit she has of talking. You know, expressing herself.
So in this US Magazine article, they cover Vogue’s November issue where they interview RiRi and here are just a few of the eloquent quotes that fluttered from her mouth like a delicate butterfly on a soft warm breeze. And because some of you may not speak butterfly, I took the liberty of translating for you.
“I would love to go on a date. You don’t think that? I’m a woman. A young woman, vibrant, and I love to have fun. And I have too many vaginas around me at this point.”
Translation: Chris Brown never takes me anywhere. And I’m tired of him and his friends all up in my house.
“No one asks. Trust me on that. I’m waiting for the man who’s ballsy enough to deal with me. I’m going to wait, though. You always find the wrong shit when you go looking.”
Translation: Chris never takes me anywhere. And he is all pencil frank and no beans.
About her re-kindling her friendship (read: they’re totally fucking) with Chris after her infamous 2009 beat-down, she said:
“(fans are) not on the inside. They can’t see what I see, unless they’re sitting in my point of view. I guess I’ll learn to accept that.”
Translation: You can’t see what I see, because looking through black eyes makes things kinda blurry.
Just when I was getting super comfy in my disdain for them, Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie have to go and rain on my hate parade. Whyyyyyy??? Rivers are running backwards, suns are shining at midnight and dog shit is turning to rainbows!! I’m more confused than the time I was getting down to it with this super hot guy and reached down to find that he somehow had his pinky in his pants. No dick on his hand either, I checked. Saaaad face.
There’s a piece in entertainmentwise about them spending £25,000 to turn an outbuilding on their French estate from a fisherman’s cottage to a den of SUCIO!!! complete with a right kind of toy box and sex swing with stirrups. Somebody’s been reading 50 Shades. I tried to hate on it by screaming WON’T ANYONE THINK OF THE CHIIIILDREEEN but then read on and it’s on the edge of the property, and they even sound-proofed it so the kids can’t hear Brad’s blood curdling screams if Angie rips his head off and eats it after sex like preying mantises (manti??) are prone to do. So, I guess I have to…love it and even…be kind of jealous?? It burns.
There have been rumors that they were putting off their wedding because of Angie’s cold feet but maybe her feet were just cold because the sex swing stirrups were too tight? I don’t know what to think right now.
Wait. The Sun cites a source as saying:
“They disappear down there, telling their kids they’re going out for some fresh air. Brad comes back looking like the cat that got the cream and they are giggly for the rest of the day,”
Okay, BARF. Thank GOD I can go back to hating on them a little.