When Jennifer Lawrence performed her latest choreographed stumble in London, I didn’t even bother lifting up the score card with a giant zero on it. It was such a pathetic attempt, and it was sad seeing the one-time Legend of the Falls fall from grace with that half-assed stumble. Maybe Jennifer Lawrence just needs a little inspiration, and so she should pull up a chair and watch rejected Mouseketeer turned pop person Meghan Trainor bust her ass on The Tonight Show with Jimmy Fallon last night.
Two painful things happened during Meghan’s performance: She sang that eardrum-bruising song “Me Too” and her ankle turned on her by causing her bass to go boom. Meghan’s fall gets a solid 7.5 from me. Trick gave us ankle wiggling, a hair flip and a shriek. After Meghan’s ass ate floor, Jimmy Fallon turned himself into Jimmy Fallin’ by lying next her. Meghan is fine and didn’t die, so it’s okay to laugh, and then re-watch it and laugh, and then re-watch it again and laugh, and then re-watch it again and laugh X 300,000.
Because I care about your nerves and don’t want you to hurt yourself by listening to the song, the lead-up to the fall starts at the 3:40 mark.
You’re probably wondering why Meghan just didn’t Photoshop that fall out of her performance. Meghan said on Good Morning America today that she re-shot the performance, but they decided to go with that one. Because you know, a Meghan Trainor performance on its own is about as exciting as flavorless oatmeal made with tap water, but add in a fall and it’s instantly entertaining. America runs on pop tricks falling.
You’re probably feeling broke off, dozed off this morning and if you typed those symptoms into WebMD it’ll tell you that you have CANCER since it always tells you that you have the C-word. But it will also tell you that you’re most likely suffering from a severe case of the Mondays. And a cure for the severe case of the Mondays is to watch Diddy fall into a hole at last night’s BET Awards. Since Diddy is fertile as fuck, that hole is now pregnant.
The BET Awards took everybody back to the 90s when Bad Boy reunited in a big performance. Mase performed “Feel So Good” and Faith Evans sang out “Love Like This,” but the highlight was Dildo (typo and it stays) getting owned by a hole. Lil’ Kim rose from that hole like a rising Lucky Cat-faced plastic Buddha right after Diddy paid tribute to Scarlet Takes A Tumble, so I’m wondering if he fell on her. If he did, it’s a good thing she’s made entirely of indestructible man-made materials or else he may have hurt her ass.
The video of the Bad Boy reunion autoplays, so I’m not embedding it here since it’s too early in the day and week for autoplaying videos. You can click here to see it. Jump to the 5:10 mark if you want to watch Diddy go down. If you look really closely before Diddy trips, you can kind of see UCLA football coach Sal Alosi put a banana peel on the stage.
Here’s the beautiful moment in GIF form courtesy of Deadspin.
It’s like visual Celexa for the soul.
And here’s Lil’ Kim Wildenstein giving you “Nermal from Garfield in drag as Laverne Cox” while going to BOA Steakhouse after the BET Awards.
For those of you who are reaching for your glasses and wondering who hired Robert Gimlin and the ghost of Roger Patterson to operate the cameras for the Billboard Music Awards, don’t worry – it’s not you. The above image is blurry because current film technology isn’t advanced enough to catch the ninja-like speed of Chrissy Teigen’s dress as it attempted to take out the poor woman walking behind her. Forget Taylor Swift and her gangly gang of suburban road warriors; Chrissy’s dress was the real deadly assassin at the BBMAs.
As Chrissy was walking to the stage with her co-host Ludacris, some woman tried to cut across behind her, but I guess she caught the back of Chrissy’s dress and instead of her ass landing in her seat, it landed on the floor. Unfortunately, Chrissy didn’t have time to be the wind beneath that lady’s wings and lift her ass off the ground, so she kept walking. Does anyone have an extra sweater? It just got COLD!
But Chrissy Teigen would like you to know she’s not a icy-hearted ho who enjoys watching clumsy tricks struggle all over the floor. According to Chrissy, Chrissy didn’t know there was a Code BOOM happening behind her.
When Madonna’s cape pulled an En Vogue and got all “Don’t Let Go” on her neck during her performance of “Living For Love” at the BRIT Awards on Wednesday, I figured the only damage done would be to her inbox. You know, after it blew up with emails from personal injury lawyers inquiring about her recent workplace slip and fall accident. I trusted that Madonna’s creaky granny bones and butt organs would be protected by her rock-hard ass muscles and she’d walk away without a scratch.
As it turns out, I was totally wrong. Madonna might have fallen, and she might have been able to get up, but she suffered some whiplash on the way down. Don’t worry, I’m sure there’s already a meme of Madonna getting slapped by J.K. Simmons as we speak. Madonna explained the aftermath of her Grape Stomping Lady moment to The Jonathan Ross Show on Thursday (via Billboard), saying:
“I had a little bit of whiplash, I smacked the back of my head. And I had a man standing over me with a flashlight until about 3 a.m. to make sure I was compos mentis.”
She also said she’s sworn off capes in the future. Good call – I think if we’ve learned anything from this, it’s that capes ain’t nothing but trouble.
I still can’t believe Madonna got back up and kept singing after hitting her head. Bitch is brave as hell! If I even so much as stub my toe, I’m on the ground wailing for someone to call the paramedics while mentally preparing a funeral for my toe, which will no doubt need to be amputated. Something nice, not too fancy; it’s what my toe would have wanted.
Here’s Madonna one day after Madonna pulled a Scarlet wearing a pair of shoes that look like she’s about 2 seconds away from a repeat performance:
Normally whenever Australian rapper Iggy Azalea performs live, her biggest concern is making sure that sick fucks don’t try to turn her pussy into a finger puppet while crowdsurfing, but last night she discovered there are some problems a douple-pair of Hooters tights can’t prevent. During a performance of “Fancy” at a pre-VMAs benefit concert at The Avalon in Hollywood, Iggy backed up her Outback bloomin’ onion a little too much and fell right off the stage. Thankfully, security guards were close by to pick her ass up off the ground and she didn’t appear to be hurt, so she got back on stage and kept singing. She’s such a pro, she even managed to keep “singing” while falling backwards off the stage!
The NY Daily News says that neither Iggy’s reps nor MTV have said anything regarding whether or not the fall done did any damage, but shortly after the show Iggy was laughing about the whole thing by posting a video of her fall to Instagram, so she’s probably fine.
But damn, something in the VMA milk ain’t clean! First one of Nicki Minaj’s dancers gets taken out by a snake, then Iggy Azalea eats shit off a stage? I’ve seen Drop Dead Gorgeous ten hundred times, I know what’s going on here! Some greedy ho is trying to eliminate the competition so that they can steal the spotlight at the VMAs. Hmm, I wonder who it could be? Who always has to be the center of attention? Who can’t go five seconds without making sure all eyes are on her? Who is powerful enough to make people disappear? Who’s name starts with a B, is receiving the Vanguard Award, is maybe performing with her maybe estranged camel husband??? I see you Stuntyoncé! This has your weave-adhesive stink all over it!
And here’s Iggy, pre-fall, at an event in Las Vegas last night with her partner-in-White Chicks-lookalike-crime Rita Ora:
That high-pitched dog whistle sound you just heard was Ariana Grande Latte gleefully squealing “karma’s a biiiiiiitch” at her highest register as she watched the video of country singer Luke Bryan falling off the stage during a concert in Charlotte, NC on Thursday night.
Luke Bryan was in the middle of singing Macklemore’s “Can’t Hold Us” (why? + wut? = I have no fucking idea) when he stepped a little too close to the edge of the stage and bailed. Luckily he was alright (TMZ says he had to get a couple stitches but he’s fine). He climbed back up and joked to the crowd that the last time he was in North Carolina he busted his ass on stage as well. There must be something in the North Carolina water to make him so tipsy; is NC getting moonshine run-off from Virginia?
I decided to re-watch it a couple of times as a reminder to always watch where I’m going when I walk down the stairs so that I don’t pull a Luke Bryan and end up in the ER with a doctor giving me ‘Uh huh, sure you broke you ass falling down the stairs’ attitude. But I discovered why Luke fell. It was too damn dark! Dear Luke: to prevent another slip and fall accident in the future, place your glowing sunset-colored wife Caroline front row center to act as a human night-light and illuminate the lip of the stage.
If this isn’t proof of divine intervention from a merciful god or an all-knowing plate of cheese fries (whichever you choose to believe in), then I don’t know what is. According to TMZ, one of Miley Cyrus’s tour buses, who’s nickname is either The Big Itchy or Toxic Thunder, burst into flames Monday night while travelling from Houston to New Orleans after a a tire exploded. The bus was carrying Miley’s sister Noah and her mother, the elegant Nashville pussywillow Trish Cyrus, both of whom managed to escape unharmed.
There’s no black box on a tour bus, so we’ll never really know what happened, but I have a theory. After running out of things in her tour bus to rub her dirty possum pouch against, Miley starts getting creative and looks to the exterior of the bus for things to hump on. First she tries the exhaust pipe, but her toxic snatch corrodes the chrome and it crumbles into a pile of rust dust. Then she tries the side mirrors, but they spontaneously shatter when they catch the reflection of her Fright Night face. Refusing to give up, she spots a tour bus tire and ecstatically backs her b-hole onto it.
At first the tire reassures itself that it will all be over soon, but Miley won’t stop, and she twerks so fast and so aggressively that she wears the tire treads down to nothing. Eventually there’s too much friction between Miley’s Hank Hill ass and the rubber, and the tire bursts into flames. At which point, Miley begins humping on the fire, which leads to Miley humping on a gauze bandages and a whole mess of Polysporin. Of course, this is only a theory, but I’m confident in my hypothesis.
This proves that nothing good comes from wearing a mullet shirt. When you wear a mullet shirt, bad shit happens to your ass.
Carrie Underwood was performing at a show in Corpus Christi, TX last night when her heel and her fug ass mullet shirt worked together to take her ass down. After Carrie’s ass and the stage floor became one, she kept on yodeling. CNN broke into their story on Syria last night (they probably did) to report that Carrie didn’t break any bones and she’s not canceling any dates.
After the show, Carrie tweeted a picture of her leg and foot wrapped in something every woman wears when she’s around Quentin Tarantino and doesn’t want him to attack her feets with his mouth. It’s a QT blocker.
And in the doll room of her Rhode Island mansion, Taylor Swift is giggling while jumping on top of the foot of her Carrie Underwood voodoo doll.
Warning: If you don’t want to have a seizure and if you care about your ear holes, don’t put your mouse tip over the play button. Now that we’ve gotten that warning out of the way, at around the 1:13 mark, Marilyn Manson stops singing “Beautiful People,” drops and barfs out whatever was in his stomach bag (homemade absinthe, Lucifer’s jizz and maple syrup-flavored coke… well, he was in Canada) before trying to go on with the song. Some of Marilyn’s fans who were standing in the back couldn’t see what was happening on stage and the sound of him yacking sounded better than his usual singing voice, so they knew something was up. The band kept playing before they realized that it wasn’t part of the act. EMTs came on stage and took the sick antichrist off the stage.
Marilyn later told TMZ that when he got to Saskatoon yesterday, he had the sicks in a bad way, but didn’t want to cancel the show. When he got on stage, it hit him harder and that’s when the barfs came. Marilyn skipped the hospital and went to his hotel room to rest instead. His Canadian tour will go on and he plays Calgary tomorrow.
The flu really isn’t here to mess around. Marilyn Manson gives a human sacrifice (or an Emily the Strange doll from Hot Topic, he’s not picky about his sacrifices) to his creator the devil every week and the flu still screws with him.
While Lady Gaga strolled through the lobby of her hotel in Romania, somebody came at her ass and surprisingly it wasn’t a ragey PETAhead trying to turn her into CaCa cakes by dropping Gold Medal flour on her head. It was one of her Little Monsters who probably quit his job and used the last leu (Note: Yes, that was me who just Googled “How do you say ‘dollar’ in Romanian talk?”) in his bank account to travel to her hotel and sleep in front all night to meet her dumb ass. How does he get greeted? Bitch was forced to make out with the glass before getting body slammed to the floor. Damn, and all for CaCa’s ass. Not worth it.
It’s just CaCa’s, it’s not the damn Queen. Those bodyguard acted like CaCa was Anderson Cooper and that crazy fan was me. You know who should’ve been tackled to the floor and dragged back to her room? CaCa, because she needs to change that outfit. Who does she think she is? This ain’t Big Business and you ain’t Bette Midler, bitch.