Category: Bitch Goes Down

Proof There Is A Higher Power Looking Out For Us

March 18, 2014 / Posted by:

If this isn’t proof of divine intervention from a merciful god or an all-knowing plate of cheese fries (whichever you choose to believe in), then I don’t know what is. According to TMZ, one of Miley Cyrus’s tour buses, who’s nickname is either The Big Itchy or Toxic Thunder, burst into flames Monday night while travelling from Houston to New Orleans after a a tire exploded. The bus was carrying Miley’s sister Noah and her mother, the elegant Nashville pussywillow Trish Cyrus, both of whom managed to escape unharmed.

There’s no black box on a tour bus, so we’ll never really know what happened, but I have a theory. After running out of things in her tour bus to rub her dirty possum pouch against, Miley starts getting creative and looks to the exterior of the bus for things to hump on. First she tries the exhaust pipe, but her toxic snatch corrodes the chrome and it crumbles into a pile of rust dust. Then she tries the side mirrors, but they spontaneously shatter when they catch the reflection of her Fright Night face. Refusing to give up, she spots a tour bus tire and ecstatically backs her b-hole onto it.

At first the tire reassures itself that it will all be over soon, but Miley won’t stop, and she twerks so fast and so aggressively that she wears the tire treads down to nothing. Eventually there’s too much friction between Miley’s Hank Hill ass and the rubber, and the tire bursts into flames. At which point, Miley begins humping on the fire, which leads to Miley humping on a gauze bandages and a whole mess of Polysporin. Of course, this is only a theory, but I’m confident in my hypothesis.

Carrie Takes A Tumble

September 6, 2013 / Posted by:


This proves that nothing good comes from wearing a mullet shirt. When you wear a mullet shirt, bad shit happens to your ass.

Carrie Underwood was performing at a show in Corpus Christi, TX last night when her heel and her fug ass mullet shirt worked together to take her ass down. After Carrie’s ass and the stage floor became one, she kept on yodeling. CNN broke into their story on Syria last night (they probably did) to report that Carrie didn’t break any bones and she’s not canceling any dates.

After the show, Carrie tweeted a picture of her leg and foot wrapped in something every woman wears when she’s around Quentin Tarantino and doesn’t want him to attack her feets with his mouth. It’s a QT blocker.

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And in the doll room of her Rhode Island mansion, Taylor Swift is giggling while jumping on top of the foot of her Carrie Underwood voodoo doll.

Source: Instagram via UsWeekly

Even An Antichrist Superstar Gets The Flu

February 7, 2013 / Posted by:

Warning: If you don’t want to have a seizure and if you care about your ear holes, don’t put your mouse tip over the play button. Now that we’ve gotten that warning out of the way, at around the 1:13 mark, Marilyn Manson stops singing “Beautiful People,” drops and barfs out whatever was in his stomach bag (homemade absinthe, Lucifer’s jizz and maple syrup-flavored coke… well, he was in Canada) before trying to go on with the song. Some of Marilyn’s fans who were standing in the back couldn’t see what was happening on stage and the sound of him yacking sounded better than his usual singing voice, so they knew something was up. The band kept playing before they realized that it wasn’t part of the act. EMTs came on stage and took the sick antichrist off the stage.

Marilyn later told TMZ that when he got to Saskatoon yesterday, he had the sicks in a bad way, but didn’t want to cancel the show. When he got on stage, it hit him harder and that’s when the barfs came. Marilyn skipped the hospital and went to his hotel room to rest instead. His Canadian tour will go on and he plays Calgary tomorrow.

The flu really isn’t here to mess around. Marilyn Manson gives a human sacrifice (or an Emily the Strange doll from Hot Topic, he’s not picky about his sacrifices) to his creator the devil every week and the flu still screws with him.

Bitch Goes Down: The Little Monster Edition

August 16, 2012 / Posted by:

While Lady Gaga strolled through the lobby of her hotel in Romania, somebody came at her ass and surprisingly it wasn’t a ragey PETAhead trying to turn her into CaCa cakes by dropping Gold Medal flour on her head. It was one of her Little Monsters who probably quit his job and used the last leu (Note: Yes, that was me who just Googled “How do you say ‘dollar’ in Romanian talk?”) in his bank account to travel to her hotel and sleep in front all night to meet her dumb ass. How does he get greeted? Bitch was forced to make out with the glass before getting body slammed to the floor. Damn, and all for CaCa’s ass. Not worth it.

It’s just CaCa’s, it’s not the damn Queen. Those bodyguard acted like CaCa was Anderson Cooper and that crazy fan was me. You know who should’ve been tackled to the floor and dragged back to her room? CaCa, because she needs to change that outfit. Who does she think she is? This ain’t Big Business and you ain’t Bette Midler, bitch.

via TMZ

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Johnny Takes A Tumble

October 11, 2011 / Posted by:

Before hitting play, you might want turn your speakers all the way down or staple your ear flaps to your face, because the dramatic ass paparazzo screeching out “You dropped Johnny!” til his tonsils fell off could wake a Lohan from her drunk coma.

Fresh off of pissing people off with his rape comment, Johnny Depp took on the drunk celebrity obstacle course in Hollywood as he left some restaurant called 25 Degrees the other night. Johnny made it out the door (1 point), scribbled out an autograph (2 points), got bro hugged to the ground by some Gallagher looking ho (-3 points), got back up (3 points) and then kept on signing his name like his nalgas just didn’t eat sidewalk (20 points!!!!). You can’t keep a drunk Johnny down! But the most impressive part of Johnny Herp Derp’s tanked bitch stroll to the SUV is that not once did he shove his BIC down that pap’s mouth to stop the fake scream madness. If there’s such a thing as beer goggles, there must be such a thing as beer plugs and Johnny definitely has them shoved in his ear holes.

Johnny eventually got into his SUV and showed everyone he was okay by doing the heroin tap and the fisting an imaginary asshole salute! And no, I’m not entirely convinced that this isn’t John Mayer.

via Gossip Cop

A Romanian Grandma vs. Chris Brown: Who Fell Better?

September 26, 2011 / Posted by:

Above is somebody’s Romanian grandmama straight-up falling out of her good shoes after trying to conquer two tiny steps and losing. Below is everyone’s least favorite long-donged douchehole eating floor with his butt during a show in Indianapolis last night. Watch and compare:

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The Chris Brown one is making me HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHA until my keyboard goes hoarse. Watching Chris slip and bust his ass feels like two tiny kittens hugging my eyeballs. What a beautiful sight. The only way this could’ve been better is if the falling satellite played the role of Chris Brown’s ass and Chris Brown’s head played the role of the stage floor during a reenactment of this minutes later.

The other video, I refuse to laugh at. I REFUSE! I have been trained to swallow down any laugh crawling up my throat over a granny going BOOM. My abuelita once crashed through a screen door and the first thing she did after adjusting her control-top hose was to check to make sure that not even a sliver of a smile was on my face. So I must not laugh at this Romanian memaw’s hair cape hilariously flying through the air as she does the twist onto the floor. This is a setup and I will not fall for this trick!

That being said, all points go to the Tumbling Romanian Grandma!

via Best Week Ever & TMZ

Bitch Goes Down: The Kanye West Edition

August 11, 2011 / Posted by:

Instead of watching the throne, Kanye West watched the world turn upside down when he slipped, fell and went both legs up at a show in Norway during All of the Lights (more like All of the HAHAHAHAHAHAs). You’d think that since Kanye can walk on water, he’d be able to walk on floor without his ass eating stage. Those wings that pop out of his shoulder blades and that halo on his head failed the fuck out of him.

There are so many “Imma let you fall” jokes and so little time. But it’s true. Beyonce really did have the greatest fall of all time.

via ONTD & Buzzfeed

Shania Takes A Tumble

June 9, 2011 / Posted by:

At last night’s CMT Awards in Nashville, Shania Twain was inducted into the Bitch Goes Down Hall of Fame with the likes of Beyonce, Joe Jonas, Michelle Williams, Lady CaCa, Scarlet, JLo and Mimi when her feet failed her and her knees paid the price (“I feel your pain.” – my knees to Shania’s knees). Detective La Toya better get on this case and see if Shania’s former best friend/life ruiner has an alibi.

Shania got her shit back up, laughed about it and later recorded a video response to her fall where she said: “I just made a complete fool of myself and experienced one of life’s most embarrassing moments. I don’t need a stunt double. I didn’t hurt myself. I have a bit of a sore thumb — that’s it. I’m gonna auction off those shoes. I’m gonna get rid of them as soon as I can. I never want to see those shoes again!

Just like “losing a game of Russian Roulette to a dog while fucked up on moonshine” (that story, ugh), falling happens to the best of us. Shania handled it with grace and I’m sure when she says she’s going to auction those shoes she really means she’s going to donate them to professional stilt walker Suri Cruise who would never let a pair of sky high heels bitch slap her like that.

Here’s more of Shania pre and post fall with her fiance Frédéric Thiébaud and Selena Gomez’s scissor partner.

Presented Without Comment: Lady Caca Falls On Her Ass

April 11, 2011 / Posted by:

Okay, maybe just one comment: HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH
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via ONTD

#notwinning

March 7, 2011 / Posted by:

Warner Bros. TV has officially turned the highest-paid actor in television into the most annoying warlock crackhead in line at the unemployment office. They have snatched the winning hash tag out of Charlie Sheen’s hands by writing “DUH! BUH BYE” in sloth blood on his pink slip. The “maggot trolls” of Warner Bros. issued this statement:

“After careful consideration, Warner Bros. Television has terminated Charlie Sheen’s services on Two and a Half Men effective immediately.”

Charlie continued to sound like he writes Choose Your Own Adventure novels in his spare time when he spewed out his response:

“This is very good news. They continue to be in breach, like so many whales. It is a big day of gladness at the Sober Valley Lodge because now I can take all of their bazillions, never have to look at whatshiscock again and I never have to put on those silly shirts for as long as this warlock exists in the terrestrial dimension.”

Can Charlie continue to use “winning” even when he’s been fired by CBS, fired by sanity, fired by his publicist, fired by Brooke Mueller, and fired (for a quick second) by Bree Olson?

CBS hasn’t said whether or not Two and a Half Men will continue to terrorize, but I see no reason to put Jon Cryer and that kid out of a job. They should do what the producers of Valerie’s Family did when Valerie Harper quit that bitch: HIRE SANDY DUNCAN! If anybody can save a show, it’s Sandy Duncan! One and a Half Men Plus SANDY DUNCAN! Add it to your Tivo wish list just in case.

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