Okay, true love is truly dead this time. TMZ says that ageless Canadian dogwood blossom Pamela Anderson has once again gone and filed for divorce from her former third ex-husband/current husband Rick Salomon. This will be the 1st time this year, the 2nd time this decade, and the 3rd time overall that Pammy has quit Rick’s ass. Maybe it will stick this time? Yeah, it’s probably best not to put any money on that. But if it does stick, that means Rick will be Pam’s third and fourth ex-husband. Somewhere in an emerald-encrusted sunroom in Heaven, Elizabeth Taylor just gave Pam a thumbs up.
The last time Pam filed for divorce from Rick Salomon (aka the Ray J to Paris Hilton’s Kim Kardashian) was back in July, but she changed her mind 3 weeks later, and they went on vacation instead. So who knows what will happen three weeks from now, but if I were Pam’s travel agent, I’d keep my schedule clear, just in case. And yes, Pam would totally still use a travel agent. Pam is old school and classy like that.
TMZ says that Pam filed papers on Wednesday and is seeking spousal support from Rick. Which is a good idea, because he’s got that poker cash. Get it girl, get that money! Then I hope she takes some of that money and books an appointment with a nose doctor who works exclusively with people whose sense of smell is all fucked up, because she needs to regain the ability to sniff out a douche. Bitch has been sniffing up the wrong dick for years!
I know, that headline. She quit her job, then left her wife and wandered away from civilization to Easter Island where she raised turtles on an isolated farm for the rest of her days.
A Rosie has thrown an “I QUIT THIS BITCH” at The View. It’s just not the Rosie we all thought it would be. Rosie O’Donnell’s spokeswhore said in a statement to Page Six tonight that Rosie has quit The View AGAIN after only 5 months and she’s quitting her wife of 2 and a half years, Michelle Rounds. Michelle and Rosie adopted a daughter together in 2013. Apparently, they been done for a while and have decided to be permanently done. Rosie is checking out of the pecking hen pen known as The View to take care of her family.
“I can confirm that Rosie and her wife Michelle split in November. Rosie has teens and an infant at home that need her attention. This has been a very stressful situation. She is putting her personal health and family first. ABC has been wonderfully understanding and supportive of her personal decision to leave ‘The View.’ Next week will be her last.”
So I guess from now, The View will be nothing but Whoopi Goldberg spitting out some foolery as Nicole Wallace, Rosie Perez and Mario Cantone (because he’s ALWAYS there) nervously whistle while staring at the ceiling. I’ve watched The View every day since Rosie came back, because I have no love for myself, and have been waiting for her to lose her mind and unlock her jaw on those hos. She hasn’t. She mostly just slobbers on about a little independent movie called Frozen, because that tiny, unknown film needs all the attention it can get. She honestly didn’t seem that into that shit this time around and I’m highly disappointed that she never jumped the table and shredded tricks. I know I don’t pay for The View, but I still want my money back.
And I’m sure if The View goes on, Rosie O’Donnell will be back next year AGAIN and she’ll have a new wife. What am I saying? Her U-Haul lesbian ass will have a new wife next month.
In case you forgot, Giovanni Ribisi and Agyness Deyn, the British model that the fashion industry tried to pass off as the next Kate Moss before Cara Delawhatever came along, were married. Well, soon they won’t be married anymore, because they are done with being married to each other. I guess sometimes a famous-ish couple has to break up to remind you that they were together in the first place.
40-year-old Giovanni Ribisi and 31-year-old Agyness Deyn (born name: Laura Michelle Hollins) SHOCKED THE WORLD (not really) in 2012 when they became random’s favorite couple at the time by getting married out of nowhere. Giovanni is a born-and-raised Scientologist, so I was hoping they’d sell their wedding pictures to Freedom Magazine. Because the b-holes of my body Thetans would tingle seeing David Miscavige in an alien mask marry Giovanni and Agyness as John Travolta sprinkled barley over them while twirling around as Tommy Girl hummed the theme song to Close Encounters of the Third Kind (that’s tradition at a Scientology wedding, right?). But Giovanni and Agyness didn’t release any wedding pictures and after they were married, they continued to live like quiet Scientology hipsters in L.A.
People says that Giovanni filed for divorce this month and blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why his marriage ate dust. Giovanni said in the divorce papers that they broke up on December 28, 2014. Since they are oh-so-private, People didn’t say why they broke up, but I’m guessing that Giovanni knew it was over when right before Agyness was supposed to go through a 19-hour brainwashing session at the Scientology Centre, she excused herself to go to the bathroom and was seen crawling out of the window and running down the lawn toward the street while screaming, “Get me away from those crazy bitches!”
It’s not like I have to type the names Giovanni Ribisi and Agyness Deyn all the time, but this divorce means that I may not have to type those names together ever again. That’s good news for me, because typing the names Giovanni Ribisi and Agyness Deyn without copy + pasting or checking is mentally and physically exhausting. That shit should be an SAT problem.
And In “Everybody Is Quitting Marriage” News, Patrick Dempsey’s Wife Jillian Fink Just Filed For Diviorce
First Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, now McDreamy and McWifey? What’s next? Kim Kardashian announcing that she’s quitting her marriage to Kurrent Husband Kanye? Actually, statistically speaking, the odds on that one happening are pretty good – I really should have gone with a less obvious couple.
According to TMZ, sexy salt and pepper PDILF (pretend doctor I’d like to fuck) Patrick Dempsey and makeup artist Jillian Finke are calling it quits after 15 years of marriage. 15 years! That’s nearly 96 in Hollywood Marriage Years. TMZ says Jillian was the one who filed for divorce, is seeking joint custody of their 3 kids, child support, and spousal support, and cited the classic Hollywood reason for quitting a bitch: irreconcilable differences. And it sounds like shit might start to get messy, because they don’t have a prenup and McDreamy is apparently McLoaded. According to TMZ, Patrick Dempsey is worth around $40 million. Oooh, get it girl – you can buy an awful lot of makeup brushes with $20 million.
Of course, they also released a statement:
“It is with careful consideration and mutual respect that we have decided to end our marriage. Our primary concern remains the well-being of our children, and we ask with profound gratitude that you respect our family’s privacy at this very sensitive time.”
Again, no “It is with a heavy heart“? What is with you people? Then again, maybe they’re saving the drama for divorce court. A source claims that “it remains to be seen whether it will be amicable“, because apparently Jillian is all about the kids, while Patrick is all about his huge ego. Wait, does this mean we can expect to see Patrick’s lawyer call Patrick’s boss Shonda Rhimes as a character witness during their messy divorce proceedings? “Your honor, my client can’t be a raging egomaniac – his boss has a very strict No Assholes policy.“
If you ever spent a Friday night trying to learn the dance moves to “Candy” and searching classified ads for a lime green VW beetle to do them in front of (either in your youth or like, last night – I’m not here to judge your choices), then this news is going to hit you hard. UsWeekly says that after 6 years of marriage, come-to-life Disney princess Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams singer Ryan Adams are calling it quits. I know, cue the “I Wanna Be With You” and weep into a hipster scarf. Couples who dye their hair the same shade of Auburn Mist together are supposed to last forever, goddamnit!
Mandy’s rep (who I’m pretending is named Candy, because why the hell not) confirmed the news to UsWeekly via this very PR-sounding statement:
“Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have mutually decided to end their marriage of almost 6 years. It is a respectful, amicable parting of ways and both Mandy and Ryan are asking for media to respect their privacy at this time.”
Wait, no “It is with a heavy heart?“, aka the “Over the moon” of divorce statements? Come on Candy, you can do better than that! Give it a lil’ pizzazz. Maybe something like “It was truly a Walk To Remember, but after 6 years of marriage, these two are getting a divorce.” Sorry, I would have thrown in a joke about a Ryan Adams song, but I honestly can’t think of one. It’s not his fault – my brain is filled to capacity with remixes of “Check The O.R.“.
And I blame this on Mandy’s appearance in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie Christmas in Conway. Hallmark movies are always breaking up marriages! Wait, that’s Lifetime movies, you say? Eh, it’s all the same.
Cue the sound of Brandi Glanville joyfully cackling at the top of her lungs. “You may be younger and prettier, bitch, but at least I’m still on television!” According to People, the reason Brandi is breaking all the fillers in her face in an attempt to smile is because VH1 has cancelled LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s reality show, LeAnn & Eddie after one season and eight episodes. Oh no! Now how will LeAnn convince us Eddie is still totally in love with her and definitely not eye-fucking the exit?
People says VH1 had no comment on the cancellation, but I bet it had something to do with LeAnn & Eddie being boring as hell. I only watched one episode, and I went in to it assuming it was going to be filled with squint-eyed dragon drama and smug-faced douche theatrics, and it was not. LeAnn & Eddie was supposed to be eight episodes of LeAnn accusing Eddie of cheating on her with some random chick he met at an audition for a Verizon commercial and Eddie accusing LeAnn of being a drunk mess in front of his kids. Instead we got coma-inducing scenes of LeAnn rearranging the furniture in her living room. Even her dogs seemed to be looking at the camera like “Wait, you’re filming this? Why?”
Besides, there’s only enough room on television for one scripted reality show about a skinny blonde attention whore with Tupperware titties and her unemployed beady-eyed bangaholic husband, and that’s True Tori.
Here’s LeAnn strolling through LAX yesterday wearing a pair of fancy-looking pajama bottoms aka what I’d consider my “good” grocery shopping pants:
I guess Crispy just had to Shayk it off. Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to grab the gong. I’ll see myself out.
After five years together, the football-playing overcooked piece of bacon known as Cristiano Ronaldo and Russian bikini model Irina Shayk are no longer getting his and hers crotch waxes together and are no longer spending their Friday nights plucking out each other’s stray brow hairs. Every pair of tweezers in the world is shedding a tear, because the phrase, “A couple that plucks together, stays together,” is no longer true.
There’s been rumors that Crispy’s family hates Irina as much as he hates hair on his body. Apparently, Crispy’s mom Dolores can’t stand Irina and recently Irina learned that you don’t fuck with the mother of a Portuguese mama’s boy, because she will always win out. The Daily Mail says that Crispy dumped Irina for not going to his mom’s birthday party. Some source spit this out:
“Cristiano wanted to surprise his mum and as he spent Christmas with Irina in Dubai, he had planned to be with his mum on her birthday, but Irina didn’t want to go. They had such a big row that he ended up spending New Years Eve alone with his son. Irina mouthed off about Dolores and Ronaldo took sides with him mum. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back because they had hadn’t been getting on well in the last few months.”
But Irina’s rep tells Page Six it’s not true. Sure, if you’re in Portugal, you can hear Dolores screaming with happiness, but Irina’s rep says she was never at war with his family.
“We can confirm Irina Shayk has ended her relationship to Cristiano Ronaldo. She has been close with his family throughout the course of their relationship. Any negative rumors with regards to Irina and the Ronaldo family are completely false, and have not been a factor in the cause of the spilt. Irina has no further comment at the time.”
I don’t know if Portuguese mothers are anything like Salvadoran mothers, but if they are, Irina didn’t stand a chance. If my abuelita didn’t like any of the pieces her children were married to or dating, she let it be known and nothing could change her mind. They could start shitting out caramel squares (her favorite) and produce a birth certificate that said they were the true child of God and she’d still hate their asses. But whatever, Crispy is now free to be with and marry his true love: the statue of him in his hometown. I’m sure he’s already wiping his fake tan tears on its bulge.
Pic: Vogue Spain
TMZ says that four months after he admitted that the sparkle had started to dull on his once-shimmering marriage to living rhinestone Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon quietly filed walking papers on December 12th. Aaaand now we know what Nick got Mariah for Christmas: a divorce. TMZ says Nick filing on December 12th makes sense, because it was pretty much 10 days after Mimi held up the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting ceremony with her messy divorce business. I’m guessing Nick filed first because Mimi was taking too long trying to find a Hello Kitty Bye Bye Marriage kit on Amazon.
And I’m shocked that it’s been a whole month since Nick filed for divorce and neither of them have started dragging each other in public. Now, I’ve never been a famous person who has filed for divorce from another famous person, but it’s my understanding that the second you slip those papers under the door of the I Quit This Bitch office at city hall, you are legally obligated to turn into a dramatic mess. Where are the vague passive-aggressive Tweets? The Facebook statuses that begin with “You think you know someone” and end with “…but I’m not here to start drama, so I refuse to get into it.” It’s not really a Hollywood divorce until someone calls a bitch out over Instagram.
Or maybe Mimi doesn’t have time to worry about what her ex is doing because she’s too busy counting all those sweet lazy lip synching dollars she’s getting for her residency in Las Vegas. According to TMZ, Mimi is getting paid some serious money. “Wait! Is it too late to take it back?” asked a desperate Nick Cannon.
What is going on? Couples we thought would last until the end of time and beyond are breaking up. In the morgue somewhere is a pound of dead flesh and its death tag reads: “Name of Deceased: The Meaning of Everlasting Love.” First Giada and her husband split up and now Jeremy Renner and his wife of 3 seconds. What solid couple is going to break up next? Kim and Kanye?!
Jeremy Renner is Crisco’ing up his face and putting razors in his hair, because he might have to get into a legal tussle with the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Ava Berlin and his wife of 10 months. TMZ says that Jeremy’s wedded piece, model/actress type Sonni Pacheco, filed divorce papers in L.A. earlier this month and blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why their marriage is dead, cremated and lying in a wooden box. Jeremy should’ve asked his homegirl Tom Cruise for advice on how to quickly and quietly end a marriage before any messiness leaks out, because Sonni is coming hard.
Sonni signed a prenup before she and Jeremy got secret married earlier this year, but she thinks their prenup should be put in the shredder. Sonni says the prenup is based on “fraud.” (How very Squinty Zellweger of her.) In the divorce papers, Sonni states that she wants spousal support, physical custody of their daughter and she wants a Range Rover and wants Jeremy to pay for her moving expenses and rent on her new place. She also wants her passport, social security card and birth certificate back. She claims that Jeremy “stole” them and hasn’t given them back.
Fraud and passport-stealing? Their divorce drama sounds more riveting and dramatic than the last Mission Impossible movie.
Jeremy’s rep had nothing to say about this.
TMZ says that Sonni doesn’t specify what she means by “fraud.” I think I know what she’s doing. By throwing in the dramatic word “FRAUD,” Sonni could be playing the unsuspecting beard role, and claiming “fraud” is her way of conjuring up those gay rumors again. Or Jeremy Renner really is Grumpy Cat in a human suit and he didn’t tell Sonni that before they got married.
If you regularly read and believe the blind items, then I’m sure you’re still on the floor and numb with potent shock after reading this surprising and stunning news. Nobody saw it coming. “Not even she saw it coming, but she did feel it coming….” - John Mayer and Drake, etc…
Giada De Laurentiis announced on Facebook last night that she and her husband of 11 years, Todd Thompson, have been separated for months and I guess that time apart convinced them that they shouldn’t be married to each other’s asses anymore. It happens. Sometimes when you get a taste of that single life, you don’t want to stop tasting it. The supposed Blow Job Queen of the Blind Items spit this out about the end of her marriage:
After an amicable separation since July, Todd and I have decided to end our marriage. Although our decision to separate comes with a great deal of sadness, our focus on the future and overwhelming desire for our family’s happiness has given us the strength to move forward on separate, yet always connected paths. Todd and I share a beautiful daughter and a lifetime of great memories that we both treasure more than anything. We are so thankful for our friends and family, and really appreciate the support in this time of change.
Neither Giada or Todd have filed for divorce yet. But I’m sure if he files, he’ll write, “Because if I have to listen to her pronounce prosciutto as ‘PRO-SHOO-TOE’ one more fucking time,” next to “reason for divorce.”
I skimmed through the comments under Giada’s break-up announcement on FB and of course some people told her to stick it out and work through it, because marriage is sacred and they should stay married for the sake of their 6-year-old daughter Jade. Blah blah blah. Whatever. Giada and Todd were married for 11 years and that’s at least 24 lifetimes in celebrity years. Also, it’s been rumored that Giada boned John Mayer (she denied it), so it probably killed the romance when Todd wrapped his face with antibiotics-covered Saran Wrap every time she asked for a kiss.