I see the Summer of the Split has decided to move on from married people to almost-married people. Watch out, casually fucking, you’re next.
UsWeekly says that Robin Wright and her younger ginger piece Ben Foster have decided to call it quits on the whole “being engaged” thing. Again. A source tells UsWeekly that their love hit the rim of the trash can about a month ago after 7 months of being engaged. Robin and Ben reportedly stopped returning their wedding planner’s phone calls the first time because she couldn’t deal with their work schedules and the 14-year age gap between them. And this time…well, it’s pretty much the same shit. A source claims that Robin and Ben “were still having the same issues” after they joined the two-timer engaged club back in January, which means Ben is still 14 years younger than Robin and they’re both busy. Goddamnit Ben, would it have killed you to quit your job and focus on learning how to rapidly age 14 years? It’s like you don’t even care about this second engagement!
It’s really too bad that Robin and Ben have quit each other again. Robin has said in the past that Ben’s dick does her insides better than any other, so today you should be pouring one out for Robin’s down-lows and praying that she soon finds comfort in another. Good dick at frequent intervals is a terrible thing to lose.
Damn, that body language! If those two could be any farther apart, they’d need a fish eye lens to shoot them.
So it looks like the Summer of the Split has claimed another set of victims. UsWeekly is saying that Megan Fox has thrown her five year marriage to Brian Austin Green in the “Do not want” pile alongside her old face and that Marilyn Monroe tattoo. An “insider” (that gossipy bitch Donatello, no doubt) tells UsWeekly that Megan walked away from David Silver six months ago and they’re officially separated. Megan and Brian have been a thing for 11 years and share two kids together, 2-year-old Noah and 18-month-old Bodhi.
UsWeekly says they’re still not sure why Megan and BAG are calling it quits, but that sources have told them that shit has “been rocky.” I think that’s code for Megan scrolling through her husband’s cellphone and finding Facebook friend requests from that clingy clinger Donna Martin. Or maybe those blind items were right, and he was slipping his trouser BAG (I don’t know what that means either) to random side-pieces.
But one thing is for sure: now that Megan is semi-single again, there’s a very good chance the first suitor to come a-callin’ will be Shia LaBeouf. If I were Megan, I’d start warning my neighbors now to invest in a good set of earplugs, because it’s only a matter of time before they’re woken up at 3am by the sound of Shia holding an on-fire boombox over his head and screaming “JUST DO IT!!!! JUST DATE ME AGAIN!!!!”
Melodramatic bitches called in a priest to read True Love its last rites when Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced their divorce. Please, True Love didn’t even take an aspirin or go on WebMD after hearing that break-up news. Other melodramatic bitches said that they saw True Love lying dead on the side of the road when Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton divorced. Meanwhile, True Love didn’t even go to urgent care over that news. True Love did call in sick when Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced they’re done, but it felt better while laughing over those STUNT QUEENS Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog pulling an obvious fake break-up to promote their new show. Well, that was True Love’s last laugh, because now it really is in a coffin buried six feet under. It died after that pretty one who used to be in One Direction and that Perrier girl broke up. RIP (for real) True Love!
People says that Zayn Malik and Perrie Edwards of the group Little Mix are over and they’re not getting married anymore. They got engaged in August 2013. Zayn dumped her and now Perrier is a carbonated puddle of sads.
Malik, 22, contacted Edwards, also 22, two weeks ago and said it was over.
“She’s been putting on a brave face, as Little Mix have had promotion to do, but she’s obviously devastated,” the source tells PEOPLE
When Zayn quit the easy money train called One Direction, he said that he just wants to live like a normal 22-year-old and spend time with his family and fiancee. Zayn dumped his fiancee and signed a new record deal, so he obviously meant every word he said.
Well, I hope Zayn is happy now, because True Love is forever dead and it will never rise again…. unless Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Fassbender fall in love, get married and leak an HD sex tape. (They’re our only hope.)
Here’s the remaining members of One Erection on Good Morning America today.
If you just saw a bolt of lighting with black 2009 Bieber hair run on by you while screaming, “We can now be together, Gaviiiiiiin,” don’t worry. It’s just Peter Robinson (aka Marilyn) going to get his man.
This summer has been like Christmas on steroids to divorce lawyers in Hollywood, because everyone has decided to throw their marriage into a shallow grave. Even Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, which I didn’t see coming even with all the blind items about their asses. TMZ says that Gwen has filed papers to legally end her 13-year-marriage to Gavin. In the divorce papers, Gwen said that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to end their marriage and she’s asking for joint custody of 9-year-old Kingston, 6-year-old Zuma Nesta and a 1-year-old Apollo. Those of us who are fans of crazy celebrity baby names are shedding tears, because think of what Gwen and Gavin would’ve named their fourth child.
Gavin obviously saw the divorce coming and agrees with it. His lawyer Laura Wasser (aka the Divorce Lawyer Queen of Hollywood) filed his response at the same time that Gwen filed for divorce. TMZ’s sources say that Gwen and Gavin didn’t sign a prenup when they got married, so they’ll probably split everything 50/50. She’s apparently worth $80 million while he’s worth $35 million. Gwen doesn’t want to pay Gavin spousal support.
Gwen and Gavin released the statement that all married celebrity parents release when they file for divorce:
“While the two of us have come to the mutual decision that we will no longer be partners in marriage, we remain partners in parenthood and are committed to jointly raising our three sons in a happy and healthy environment. To that end, we respectfully request privacy from the media during this time.”
First Blake Shelton gets a divorce and now Gwen Stefani! It’s THE CURSE of The Voice! Adam Levine has been married for a little over a year and that’s 11 months longer than I thought he’d be married. So if he wants out, he just found an out. “Behati, it’s over between us. Blame it on The Voice curse…and my peen’s appetite for new cooch.”
And does this mean that Gwen is going to write and record Tragic Kingdom: The Sequel?
Here’s Gwen a few days ago leaving Whole Foods with two of her sons after spending half of her net worth there, I’m sure.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Now that the tabloids have successfully called the end of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s marriage (hey, it only took them 5 years and 498 covers stories to do so), they can go back to focusing on the demise of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s 17-year-old union. Ever since Dlisted started, it feels like I’ve squirted out a post about the death of Will and Jada’s marriage at least a couple of times a year, but Radar says that it’s definitely happening this time. I refuse to believe this until bong philosopher Jaden Smith tweets out something like, “Divorce isn’t a goodbye, it’s a hello in the form of a seed that grows into a flower that represents our true selves.”
Radar’s source says that Will and Jada’s marriage has been on its death bed for a while, but whenever they’re out in public, they act like they’re still hungry for each other’s genitals. They’re apparently tired of pretending like their circle of infinite love is still intact, so they’ve decided to end it for once and for all. They’ve already told their kids and plan to tell everyone else at the end of the summer. The source put it like this:
“For Will and Jada, holding it together these past few years has been tough because their marriage has been on life support for a long time. They’re exhausted from trying to maintain the façade of a happy union. They’ve decided to pull the plug in a carefully choreographed manner, [and] agree announcing their split at the end of the summer is the right move.
[They have already] worked out a confidential settlement to protect their $240 million fortune, and prepared their kids [son Jaden, 17, and daughter Willow, 14] for the fallout.”
If this is true, then I have a few questions. Who is going to get custody of Tom Cruise?! How many of their alleged side whores will sell a story about their open marriage to the tabloids? And more importantly, how will we overwork our eye rolling muscle if Will and Jada are over and she can no longer go on about how her pussy turns into a strung out crackhead with the shakes if it doesn’t get at least one daily injection from her husband’s dick?
Halle Berry was papped wearing her wedding ring while doing shopping stuff with her daughter Nahla Aubry in Beverly Hills, CA the other day, but Radar (I know, I know) says that her ring may soon find itself hitting Olivier Martinez’s face after she throws it at him before filing for divorce.
A source tells Radar that Halle Berry and her husband of only 2 years Olivier Martinez are separated and living in different places. He’s living in Malibu while she’s living with their 21-month-old son Maceo and her daughter in the Hollywood Hills. Apparently, their relationship started circling the drain only a year into their marriage. I always thought that Halle Berry got life from drama, but the source says that even she has her limits and she can’t deal with Olivier Martinez’s temper anymore. Olivier, of course, went batshit on Nahla’s father Gabriel Aubry and he followed that up by smearing a pap at LAX. After the messiness at LAX, Halle told Olivier that their marriage will be over unless he goes to therapy. I guess he never went, because he’s close to becoming Halle Berry’s third ex-husband. The source spit this out:
“It seems Halle and Olivier have finally hit the end of the road. They’ve weathered a lot of ups and downs in their relationship – but recently, Olivier has been completely MIA. Halle is telling pals she worries that Olivier’s runaway temper could put her kids at risk. They’ve just been delaying the inevitable split.”
Halle and Olivier won’t even have to announce that they’ve filed for divorce. We’ll know the minute one of them files for divorce, because her child custody lawyers will be seen busting into a kick line down the street as they sing, “We’re in the money, the skies are sunny,” while making their way to the Lamborghini dealership. Halle and Gabriel’s child support fight will have NOTHING on Halle and Olivier’s child custody battle.
That’s probably why the court in California rejected Kelly Rutherford’s case. They knew that they’ll soon have their hands completely full while dealing with Halle and her two crazy baby fathers.
If you’re like my mom and are wondering what a Cara Delevingne is and wondering why she was dating that movie starring the man from Groundhog Dog, I’ll break it down for you real quick. Cara Delaredvines is that model with the brows who was cokey clit wrestling with Michelle Rodriguez for a minute and St. Vincent makes music I like to listen to. They were together and apparently, they’re not together anymore.
Page Six says that St. Vincent is no longer being entertained by the sight of Cara’s obese caterpillar brows squirming around as she munches on that twat. 22-year-old Cara and 32-year-old St. Vincent were together for about 6 months. Before Cara, St. Vincent was with Carrie Brownstein and now Carrie Brownstein is scissoring with Piper from Orange is the New Black. Page Six puts it like this:
We’re told the breakup was recent, with the couple appearing on St. Vincent’s Instagram two weeks ago.
[Cara’s] rep didn’t comment. St. Vincent’s rep said they didn’t know about a split.
These two supposedly broke up in April and got back together shortly after. Yesterday, St. Vincent Instagrammed a picture of a guitar signed by David Bowie, which was a gift from Cara. Maybe they’re already back together? I don’t know. Page Six also didn’t say why they broke up again. But well, Cara Delawhatever is friends with the Jenner girls and that’s a deal breaker. “Your piece is friends with any trick directly related to Pimp Mama Kris” is a deal breaker right up there with “snorting while orgasming” and “wanting to sit in the same side of the booth at a restaurant.”
Here’s Cara at the Paper Towns premiere in L.A. with human philosopher bong Jaden Smith and those Jenner messes.
For a while, there’s been rumors from the tabloids that Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are about to take their marriage out back and shoot it dead, because his rogue dick keeps stumbling into a pussy that doesn’t belong to his wife and her coochie also hopped on peen that wasn’t attached to her husband’s body. Well, I guess it’s sometimes true what they say: where there’s smoke, there’s divorce lawyers filing papers for their clients. Because TMZ says that Blake filed for divorce on the shush a while ago and a judge is expected to officially end their 4-year-old marriage today. (UPDATE: It’s over. Officially.)
TMZ says that Blake and Miranda have already worked out all the money and property stuff. It wasn’t a battle, because they have a prenup and they both wanted to stick with the terms. Miranda gets to keep their house in Nashville and he gets to keep their ranch in Oklahoma. Miranda is leaving her dog (Blake) on the ranch in Oklahoma, but she’s been moving the rest of her animals (horses, a camel and a llama) off of the property. Blake and Miranda gave this break-up statement to UsWeekly:
“This is not the future we envisioned. And it is with heavy hearts that we move forward separately. We are real people, with real lives, with real families, friends and colleagues. Therefore, we kindly ask for privacy and compassion concerning this very personal matter.”
You probably put your ear to your window expecting to hear a cackle coming for Blake’s ex-wife (who he allegedly cheated on with Miranda), but got confused when you heard what sounded like a dog furiously lapping up water from a hose. Oh, that’s just Adam Levine’s juicy b-hole puckering as he skips to his lawyer’s office to also file for divorce from his wife, because now he and his true soulmate can finally be together.
If Glastonbury was still going on, a pair of wellies would’ve been hung on a pole at half-mast today, because the bohemian hipster duke and duchess of England may have wrapped their dead engagement in an antique lace tablecloth and buried it on a bed of dried wild flowers while humming the melody of a Mumford & Sons song.
This break-up news came out of The Sun’s mouth and was delivered to us by The Daily Mail, so it’s like listening to Benita Buttrell from In Living Color tell you something that Babette from Gilmore Girls whispered in her ear. A source claims that Sienna Miller and Tom Sturridge’s recent holiday in Formentera, Spain with their 3-year-old daughter Marlowe (pictures below) was their last attempt to Super Glueing their broken relationship, but it didn’t work. A source says that nothing ESCANDALO happened. Sienna and Tom just decided that they were done touching genitals after 4 years together. The source went through the file marked “generic break-up statements given by an anonymous source” and handed their choice over to The Sun.
“Tom and Sienna split a few weeks ago but still love and respect each other as friends and parents. It’s a very amicable break-up and they intend to remain great friends.”
Sienna’s rep had nothing to say about this and neither did Tom’s.
I refuse to believe this rumor until the secret alarm that is hidden in every wedding band goes off, alerting married people to watch out! Sienna Miller and her legendary bull dozer vagina are back!
Sienna is shooting a movie with Ben Affleck soon, so I was already getting my eyeballs ready for tabloid story after tabloid story about how those two are fucking until all the air in his trailer’s tires seeps out. It’s going to be thirty times worse now. But on behalf of proud sluts everywhere, I’m begging our slut leader to not use her chocha to pick the low-hanging fruit that is Ben Affleck. Sienna is better than that! Okay, she should do it once and then keep her coochie moving.
Looks like another spot just opened up on The Goop Troop’s Hawaiian family vacation. UsWeekly says that after almost a year of unconfirmed fucking, Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence have packed what was left of their maybe-relationship into a box and drove it to Savers. RIP Martin Lawrence. On the upside, the real Martin Lawrence can drop that NaeNae, because today is the day he finally gets his name back.
An “insider” (Gwyneth Paltrow using a fake phone voice and desperately trying not to let out a dry cackle of glee) claims they split up because JLaw has been working non-stop and they never saw each other. The same insider also wants you to know that America’s former sweetheart has been spending a lot of time with her panty-dropping ex, Nicholas Hoult, adding that “they’re on great terms now, and their families have stayed close.” JLaw and About A Boy are currently filming X-Men: Apocalypse together, which might explain why they’re spending so much time together. Or maybe they want to start banging each other again. Who knows? Get whatever you want to get, girl. Get Nicholas Hoult, get that hot as fuck bodyguard of yours. Get it all! The world is your all-you-can bang penis buffet.
No word on whether or not their decision to end shit had anything to do with Chris Martin getting caught working his mopey magic on Kylie Minogue last week in London. Did anyone hear a story about Jennifer Lawrence screaming the words “FUCK THAT TWO-TIMING ASS!” while angrily tossing Chris Martin’s collection of scarves onto the street at 3am?