People says that after 7 years of being married to each other, Keri Russell and her husband Shane Deary decided they don’t want to be married to each other anymore. Somewhere, my tia who was seriously into Felicity and felt personally attacked when Keri took a Flowbee to her luscious mane of curls is saying, “Good, that’s what that pendeja gets for cutting her hair a million years ago.” Keri’s rep told People that they’ve been broken up for a few months:
“They have been separated since early summer. The separation is amicable and their focus is on their children.”
Keri and Shane have a 6-year-old son named River and an almost 2-year-old daughter named Willa.
Early yesterday morning, the police showed up to Keri’s townhouse in Brooklyn Heights after she reported that someone broke in. Keri was asleep in a bedroom in the basement when she heard some shit going on in her living room upstairs. Keri obviously doesn’t subscribe to my way of thinking (when you hear shit, play dead or run the other way), because she went upstairs to investigate. She found the front door wide open and a necklace, a laptop and a bag were missing. The cops later caught the two thieves and Keri got her stuff back.
When I read about Keri breaking up with her husband, the first thing I thought about was the break-in. Are we sure the cops got the right two dudes? Are we sure Keri’s estranged husband didn’t break in to mess with shit and/or steal important documents from the office? Get on this, Maureen Maher! Yes, I watch way too much 48 Hours.
Seen above in her legendary photo shoot for Dagobah’s Sports Illustrated: Swimsuit Edition, the orange pearl wrapped in a nest of dried seaweed that is Tan Mom is divorcing her husband of 8 years Richard Krentcil, because she knows that Prince Hot Ginge is searching for a wife and she’s the only pristine jewel on Earth who is exquisite enough to be England’s new princess. She’s divorcing her husband for Britain and America! Oh, and she’s dropping her husband because she says his dick is too small.
TMZ says that Richard’s supposed small peen situation isn’t the real reason why Tan Mom is divorcing him. His supposed infidelity is. Tan Mom and Richard were on that wreck of a TV show called The Test and during a polygraph test he took on the show, the lie detector said he was telling lies after he denied passing his golf pencil dick to side whores. Tan Mom tells TMZ that’s the real reason why she’s taking the prestigious title of “Tan Mom’s husband” away from Richard. Tan Mom wants custody of their 2 kids (including the kid she tried to tan) and wants $1,000 per week in spousal and child support.
Even though Tan Mom said in her stand-up act (yes, she does stand-up) that Richard’s dick is the size of an ant’s pinky and the sex sucks, he still wants to work things out with her.
I have questions!
1. Is Richard’s dick small or does it just retreat into his body a little every time he sees Tan Mom naked, because it is intimidated by her charbroiled raw beauty?
2. If a judge is insane enough to give full custody of their kids to Tan Mom, do you think she’ll notice when her kids put two broken tanning bed light bulbs in their beds and run away to the Cushetunk Mountain to be raised by foxes?
And it really is a tragic week in America when two marriages we thought would last forever prove us wrong. The good news is that now Tan Mom and the Porn Iguana are free to star in a dating reality show together. Or they’re free to do a girl-on-girl scene for Brazzers together. Or both!
(Pic via Pacific Coast News)
Whoever (read: every bitch with a brain) said that a love between a teenage porn iguana and a creepy PedoBear in a human costume would never last, was sadly telling the truth, because The Daily Mail says that after two years of marriage, Courtney Stodden has the left the mound of foreskins that her pimp mom sold her to when she was 16. Don’t try to talk True Love off the edge, because it knows and we know, that it’s dead and shit, it never existed in the first place! Now you know why The New York Times will run an obituary for True Love later today.
The Daily Mail says that last night, the Porn Igauna threw a Slutoween party in her Hollywood Hills house, but Doug Hutchison wasn’t there. A source says Courtney is the one who pounded her marriage dead with her new medicine ball titties and that Doug’s heart broke into a million pieces. The source went on to say that when Courtney was in the Celebrity Big Brother house in London, she realized that life was so much better without a used suppository with legs following her around. A different source tells Radar that Doug and Courtney are keeping the break-up news to themselves for right now, because she’s currently trying to sell a dating reality show starring her (they can call it Porn Iguana of Love) :
“Doug knew he was taking a risk with the marriage, but he genuinely feel in love with Courtney and didn’t realize how much his life would be changed after they got married. She is branching out and doing her own thing and Doug is getting left behind.”
Everything with Courtney and Doug is so contrived, but he wasn’t with her at her Halloween party and she’s always doing things by herself lately. He just isn’t part of the scene anymore now. They’ll probably stage a photo opp just to pretend they’re still together though.”
Yeah, Courtney and Doug were just an arranged publicity stunt and this break up is probably just another STUNT QUEEN move to get all of us talking about their messy asses again, but this is still devastating news and I’m sure I’ll see you all at church where we’ll light a candle for True Love.
And more importantly, who is going to get custody of DOURTNEY?!
Since they supposedly broke up, does that mean they have to break up Dourtney’s name too? Are they going to call him Doug or Courtney? So many questions. My weekend is ruined.
Millions of 19-year-olds and 20-years-old are in the fetal position on the floor of their dorms after their inner tween exploded into a flood of tears from hearing that the Jonas Brothers (aka the Hanson of their time) are fucking done professionally. The Jonas Brothers killed and buried their tour earlier this month and now they’re killing and burying the entire group. But they’re burying it in a shallow grave, because they might want to dig up its mangled remains later on. The Jonas Brothers couldn’t even queef out one statement together. They each shat out their own break-up line to People:
“It’s over for now.” – Kevin
“It’s really hard to say ‘forever.’ We’re closing a chapter, for sure.” – Nick
“It was a unanimous decision.” – Joe
This is what I’m reading that shit as:
“I’m done with those catty bitches….until we all need a check (mousse ain’t cheap) and have to reunite for a county fair circuit tour.” – Kevin
“It’s really hard to literally say the word ‘forever’ when I’m doing 500 ab crunches every minute so my body can stay Sean Cody sexy for my new career as a shirtless Instagram model.‘ – Nick
“The fans unanimously made this decision by not buying tickets to our tour.” – Dragon Chasing Joe
Since I’m way too old to feel emotions about this shit, I thought about how I would feel if Exposé announced that they were quitting each other forever. I’d probably empty out my checking account to buy a ticket to China, so I could do an endless wall slide of WHY?!!!!!!!!!!! against the Great Wall.
Pretty, albeit boring, couple Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr officially separated after three years of marriage and six years together. The walking, talking Kewpie doll and Bloom (best known for being that hot bitch Legolas in The Lord of the Rings alongside supremo hot bitch Viggo Mortenson) married on the DL a few years ago and popped out a baby that defies the laws of Pretty Don’t Make Pretty (I’m looking at you, Rumer Willis). Orlando‘s rep confirmed to E! News (via US Weekly) in a statement pulled directly from the preface page of Publicist 101.
“In a joint statement, Orlando Bloom and Miranda Kerr have announced that they have been amicably separated for the past few months. After six years together, they have recently decided to formalize their separation.
Despite this being the end of their marriage,” the statement continued, “they love, support, and respect each other as both parents of their son and as family.”
BORING. Just once, can’t a celebrity couple release a no-hold-barred statement with some real animosity behind it? “I hate him so much I had to leave before I started Googling where to buy undetectable poisons” or “She suggested outsourcing my birthday blowjob to the pool boy and then got all pissed when I liked it“. Miranda did an interview for the November issue of Cosmo where she gave some super useful marital advice.
Be girlie if you want to be: “Don’t feel like you have to do and be everything. Let the man do some things for you, because if he cares for you, he will want to. When I get home, I’m not the boss like I am at work – I slip into a more feminine role. I take everything off and put on my Stella McCartney silk robe. I’ll put on a red lip or red nails, and it lifts my mood.”
I’m all for being a lazy bitch and clocking out from being HBIC once in a while. What you’re not going to find is me hanging out in a silk robe, red lip and sexy underwear to do it. Nobody in my house needs to see me fall asleep on the couch covered in Cheez-It crumbs with one tit hanging out of an open robe and my lipstick smeared on the throw pillow my cat likes to hump. You want to lift my mood? Put the seat down, cook dinner and don’t say a damn thing when you catch me in the kitchen rubbing frosting on my gums in the middle of the night because it’s the boring Midwest housewife version of the good shit.
(Photo via Splash)
Stop me if you’ve heard this one before, but a famous person was caught performing mouth-to-mouth on another famous person but they’re both married to other people. In a move that’s so typical it borders on cliché, Katharine McPhee was photographed kissing her “Smash“ director Michael Morris (TMZ has the photos). She supposedly has been separated from her husband, producer Nick Cokas for six months, while her CPR partner in adulterous crime has three young children with his wife, actress Mary McCormack. No word on the state of that union, but you can imagine it’s either already shitty or it’s about to be.
Normally, I’d assume that being photographed in broad daylight together means that Katharine and Michael’s spouses are well aware the two have hung “under new management” signs on their crotches, but if the Kristen Stewart debacle taught us anything, it’s that shady motherfuckers don’t even wait until it’s dark to get their cheat on anymore. Seeing their significant others kissing in parking lots and dry humping on bridges are totally acceptable ways for someone to find out they’ve been replaced in Hollywood.
Maybe Katharine got tired of people mistaking her husband for her father and decided to go for Michael, who looks like a celebrity baby mashup of James Haven and this pumpkin with the pumpkin contributing the lion’s share of the genes. Either way, I hope Katharine stays far away from LeAnn Rimes‘s Twitter feed, lest she picks up tips on how to be the stepmother from whore hound hell when her new piece introduces her to his kids. There’s only room for one scorned wife on Brandi Glanville‘s level.
(Pic via NBC)
A rep for The Jonas Brothers announced today that their 19-date tour has been shut down, tickets will be funded and it’s all because those bitches are fighting. Fuck, I swear. Kevin borrows Joe’s dildos and vibrating ass clamp without asking, and hissy fits are thrown and the entire tour gets shut down! Drama queens. Instead of saying the truth, which is probably “noburdy bought tickets,” their rep said this to People:
“There is a deep rift within the band. There was a big a disagreement over their music direction.”
Deep rift… Those are the exact words my free clinic doctor uses after my prostate exam.
TMZ says that Kevin, Joe and Nick are fighting with each other and threatening to break up, because they can’t agree on what their next singles should be. One wants to do pop, the other wants to do rock and other one just wants to sit in the corner and fluff up his poodle mop with a pick comb (I’m looking at you, Kevin). TMZ’s source says that they can’t go on until they figure out what they’re going to do and they might break up.
If this happened 5 years ago, we’d all be huddled around a lit match in an underground bunker and stabbing each other’s hands with a plastic knife while fighting over the last can of expired tuna, because the tweens would’ve brought on the apocalypse with their screeches. So we should all thank The Jonas Brothers for threatening to break up when their fans are now too grown to have a meltdown. Besides, they all have bigger and better things to do. Kevin can open a perm salon for poodles, Joe can finally get around to filming that hardcore BDSM sex tape we’ve been waiting for and Nick can take his new ripped twink body to Sean Cody.
Since Keeping Up With The Kartrashians’ ratings have fallen lower than Pimp Mama Kris‘ sense of dignity and the whole “Lamar Odom is a crackhead” thing isn’t getting her the attention she wants, she decided to get some easy press by announcing that she’s finally released her prisoner of 22 years Bruce Jenner. As Bruce Jenner secretly called Katie Holmes to ask for a safe underground place to stay since she knows all about hiding out from dark-sided powers that be, PMK farted out this statement to E!:
“We are living separately and we are much happier this way. But we will always have much love and respect for each other. Even though we are separated, we will always remain best friends and, as always, our family will remain our number one priority.”
Translation: “I’ve already sucked the life out of his entire being and left him with a face that looks like salmon jerky lasagna, so I don’t need his ass anymore. I can’t wait to destroy him in the court of TMZ! ”
We should all brace our eyeballs, souls and spirits, because we’re not ready for the inevitable PMK dating reality show, PMK sex tape and PMK basically humping on any semi-famous boy toy to get even more attention. Hmmm, I hear George Zimmerman is single now…
Every ho who has gotten romantic with her bathtub faucet water while sipping a chilled chardonnay and thinking of Richard Gere in (insert your fap-inducing Richard Gere movie of choice here) better put on her sexiest “I Heart Gerbils Too” t-shirt and start trolling every buddhist monastery in upstate New York, because the zen silver fox is single!
Page Six says that after 11 years of marriage, Richard Gere and Carey Lowell decided that they don’t want to be married to each other anymore, because he wants to spend his nights nam myoho renge kyo-ing in his lotus garden at home and she wants to be partying it up with Jimmy Buffett in New Haven. A source says that 64-year-old Richard and 52-year-old Carey have been apart for a long time and finally decided to make it permanent.
“They have a place in Bedford [NY], and he likes it because it’s quiet and he likes the solitude. She likes being in North Haven in the limelight. They live next door to Jimmy Buffett and his family, and they’re good friends.”
Richard and Carey recently put their North Haven waterfront estate named Strongheart Manor on the market for $65 million. I was going to make fun of the name Strongheart Manor, because you should only live in a place called Strongheart Manor if you’re a character in a Danielle Steel novel. But any manor that has the name of a lost Care Bear is my kind of manor.
Page Six also points out that last year, Richard Gere got cursed out by a man at a restaurant in the Hamptons when he flirted with the dude’s hot wife.
Richard and Carey’s reps had nothing to say about how he’s about to become her third ex-husband and she’s about to become his second ex-wife.
And if you’re in the upstate NY area, you better stay away from the roads and hide the Crisco and lighters. Millions of gerbils will be running west now that Richard Gere is lonely and single. Run, whores, run!
After three long years of sharing the same styling balm, smoothing brush and foreskin cleansing soap, Cuntess LuMann de Lesseps of The Real Housewives of New York and her French boyfriend Davide Schwimmaire (real name: Jacques Azoulay) have broken up. The definition of “love” should be changed to, “DOESN’T EXIST!!!!”, now that the love between a delusional, fame whoring ex-countess and a fun house mirror Ross Geller has died.
LuAnn’s rep (yes, she has one of those and I’m guessing her rep is the person you’d most likely see in the corner booth at a HoJo’s softly weeping into their cup of lukewarm white wine) told Life & Style that 48-year-old LuAnn and 38-year-old Jacques broke up, because their lives are in different places:
“They are at different points in their life now and have mutually agreed its best. LuAnn is upset, but it’s amicable and they remain friends. Jacques has been a wonderful part of her life.”
He’s at the point in life where he doesn’t want to lick dried pirate chowder off of his girlfriend’s chichis and she’s at the point in life where she realizes that the relationship she’s in isn’t going to get her a spin-off series on Bravo so she must move on.
If history repeats itself, then Sonja Morgan will once again have LuAnn’s sloppy seconds up her butt in 3..2.. Grab the ass lube, Jacques!
And is food always on my mind or is LuAnn really wearing a Pillsbury pie crust empanada necklace?