Category: Another One Bites The Dust

Amber Heard And Johnny Depp Are Over (UPDATE)

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Dramatically throw a black lace mourning scarf around your neck, because Amber Heard is done with being married to Johnny Depp after only 15 months. TMZ says that Amber filed papers on Monday to legally quit Johnny’s ass, and she did it just days after his mom died. January Jones is about to pass her ice cold queen crown to Amber Heard.

Entertainment Tonight says that Johnny’s mother, Betty Sue Palmer, died on May 20 in Los Angeles after being sick for a while. She was 81. Johnny and his mom were apparently really close. TMZ says that in the divorce documents Amber filed, she lists May 22 as the day they broke up for good. Amber says that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to become Johnny Depp’s second ex-wife.

Like most of us, Johnny must have thought that this blessed union with Amber was going to last until eternity, because they didn’t sign a prenup. Amber wants spousal support, because duh. If you married someone who brings in millions of dollars yearly and they didn’t make you sign a prenup, you have to try to get a piece of the pie or you won’t be able to leave your house without getting covered in spit from other gold diggers who are sickened by you.

Because of the whole “no prenup” thing and the rumors about how their marriage was eating shit only six seconds after it began, this could get messier than the dental bib that Johnny wears during his visit to the dentist every 15 years. (UPDATE: TMZ says that Johnny has already filed his response and wants the court to trash Amber’s spousal support request.)

It must have been a really hard decision for Amber to make, because now that she’s not with Johnny Depp, she’s going to get less chances to throw down her pose game in front of a sea photographers at events. But then again, she’s a part of DC now and every one of those movies will have at least 50 premieres, so she’ll be fine. And really, after Amber and Johnny made that masterpiece hostage video together, she probably figured that their marriage had peaked and they’d never create anything as magnificent as that together again.

The good news for Johnny is that now he, his true soulmate Barnaby Joyce and Boo & Pistol can be one big happy family, at last.

Pic: TMZ

Emma Roberts And Evan Peters Are Over, Again

May 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Sad. When two people who love each other so much they both start to morph into the His n’ Hers version of an Urban Outfitters manager can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

According to UsWeekly, almost one year since they dumped their relationship in the trash the first time, Emma Roberts and Evan Peters are calling it quits again. Multiple sources say that it was “amicable“, a word which is tied with the phrase “over the moon” for the most popular adjective to describe how a famous person is feeling about something that has happened in their personal life. Emma and Evan got with each other way back in 2012 on the set of a movie, and then got engaged in 2014. Based on a statistic I just made up, two breakups usually mean the wedding probably isn’t going to happen. With that being said, I wonder which of them will get custody of Ryan Murphy?

Not much else is known about why 25-year-old Emma and 29-year-old Evan couldn’t make it work a second time. My guess is that it ended because Emma told Evan who the Red Devil was two episodes into Scream Queens, and Evan decided he just couldn’t be with the type of person who was so casual about spoilers. That, or Evan’s chiropractor gave him the bad news that ducking so many slaps and punches had put his neck at risk for a C7 vertebrae fracture and that just one more fight could snap his spine.

Here’s Emma holding a purse that looks like a Muppets’ diaphragm at the FOX Upfronts yesterday, and Evan at the UK premiere of X-Men: Apocalypse last week.

Pics: Wenn.com

Henry Cavill And His 19-Year-Old Girlfriend Are Done

May 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Oi, why is your assistant standing over in front of an airport limo with my name on it holding a gift bag and my luggage? Crap, I think I remember reading something about this in the chapter on termination in my famous person’s girlfriend welcome manual.

According to The Sun (via Page Six), Henry Cavill’s nine month long relationship with a 19-year-old British college student named Tara King is over. Congratulations, everyone who gets damp for Henry Cavill, you can go back to catcalling him in public again! Sources say that Henry dumped her. Apparently she’s “devastated” because Henry was “the love of her life.” If it makes her feel any better, I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of aspiring famous person girlfriends who are just as devastated. I mean, he took her to an Oscar afterparty; does that mean nothing anymore?

Said sources also claim that Henry’s breakup included the classic “…but we can totally still be friends.” Apparently that meant that Tara was still allowed to come to Henry’s 33rd birthday party at the beginning of the month. Inviting the teenage girl you just dumped to your birthday party? That’s definitely not a recipe for an awkward dramatic night. I wonder how many sloppy drunk locked-bathroom door screaming fights happened every time she caught him talking to another just-legal blonde.

I wouldn’t cry for Tara just yet. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Henry Cavill receives a text from Ben Affleck saying: “Hey, so is it cool if I get her number? I’m trying to fix shit with my wife, but you know – in case that doesn’t work out.” And I say, go for it, Tara! Get that Lexus. Reach for the famous person girlfriend stars.

Pic: Wenn.com

Kylie Jenner And Tyga Are Done

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Ugh, I instantly regret choosing that picture; it’s far too early to imagine what Tyga is doing to Kylie Jenner that would cause her to make that face.

TMZ says that Kylie Jenner’s gross – and at one time illegal – 19-month-long relationship with her 26-year-old boyfriend is over. And it’s reportedly for realsies this time. Tyga has officially lost his meal ticket. Angela Kardashian had to sit her pregnant ass down before she passed out from “HAHAHAHA!“-ing too hard. Tyga, please return your prepaid Kardashian Gold Kard and keys to your kompany vehicle back to Kris Jenner. I’d make a joke about Kylie returning the gifts Tyga bought her over the course of their relationship, but we all know he didn’t pay for those.

TMZ can’t say why Kylie kalled it kwits with Tyga. But they do say that the time of death for Kylie and Tyga’s relationship is sometime last week before the Met Gala. Both Kylie and Tyga went to the Met Gala, but Kylie chose not to walk the red carpet with him. They also say that Kylie’s rubber lips collapsed into a frown when he showed up, because she’s the sole reason why he was invited in the first place. To be fair, the same could be said for Kylie. “Guys, what if we don’t get enough pictures of Kim Kardashian? Better send out an invitation to her understudy, just to be sure.”

So far, neither Kylie nor Tyga have confirmed on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever that they’re done. According to UsWeekly, they might be keeping quiet because they’re just taking a break and may get back together. I’m sure it will all be explained during a very special episode of KUWTK called “Kylie Makes Everyone Forget About Blac Chyna’s Pregnancy News For A Couple Seconds.

What is known about this situation is how Tyga spent Mother’s Day last Sunday. TMZ says he went to lunch with his mama and some random model who may or may not be his new girlfriend. No word on where he found this new girlfriend, but for now let’s just assume it was Instagram.

For now, there ends another trashy chapter in the Kardashian family storybook. But thanks to Tyga and Kylie’s shameless thirst and willingness to exploit a situation for some attention, we’ll always have this disgusting reminder of what once was.

Pic: Instagram

The Hipster Lesbian Love Story Of Our Time Is Over

May 5, 2016 / Posted by:

If it feels like the greasy, unwashed love between Kristen Stewart and French singer SoKo only lasted three minutes, that’s because I think it did last only three minutes max. But those three minutes were magical and when they weren’t bonding over their mutual love of shampoo hate, they spent hours deciding which Rugrats character they wanted to dress like that day. And now they’ve come to an end.

UsWeekly says that after a few months of bumping hipster ‘ginas and partaking in several hand-holding photo-ops, KStew and SoKo broke up. UsWeekly’s source adds that they’re done for right now, but they may get back together. The source didn’t give a reason for why they broke up. But any Robsten fangirl will tell you that they broke up, because SoKo could no longer take being in a PR relationship where after a long day of faking it for the paps, her fake girlfriend Kristen Stewart would go home to Robert Pattinson and their secret baby Juleare. They named their secret baby Juleare after KStew’s mother Jules and RPattz’s mother Clare. .

UsWeekly adds that at the Met Gala on Monday night, KStew spent time with Victoria’s Secret model and Miley Cyrus’ one-time piece Stella Maxwell.

SoKo dresses like a 6-year-old circa 1991 who one day woke up in the body of an adult and had to try to dress like one (think hipster Big) and I liked seeing her in paparazzi pictures, so this break-up makes me kind of sad. I had hoped that these two would get married, have a baby and pick out grave sites together. And since they were in a lesbian relationship, they would’ve done all of that by next week if they stayed together! I’m pouring out some small batch cold-brew kombucha for the end KriKo.

Here’s a couple of pictures of Stella Maxwell at the Met Gala on Monday, as well as pictures of KStew and SoKo’s love story throughout the ages (read: like 1 month).

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Dean Sheremet Is Calling It Quits With His Second Wife

April 26, 2016 / Posted by:

It’s a good thing Dean Sheremet recently wrote a cook book all about eating your feelings after your relationship goes tits up. That book is going to come in handy for at least one of them. LeAnn Rimes’ former husband and forever irritating pebble in her shoe is currently packing up his collection of tight pec-enhancing t-shirts and is saying a dramatic good-bye to his wife of almost five years.

Deaner (it feels so wrong to call him that) married photographer Sarah Silver back in August of 2011. After 5 years of marriage, they have decided they don’t want to be married anymore. I’m guessing either Sarah kept using his Norelco Bodygroom to trim her bush or Dean got really nervous and paranoid every time Sarah took a photography job up in Canada. Dean confirmed the news himself to UsWeekly.

“I have nothing but love and respect for Sarah. Her love made me a better man. I will always be thankful she touched my life.”

No word on who Dean has set his sights on next. Maybe he’ll ask his new pal Brandi Glanville if she’d be interested in pissing LeAnn off by hooking up for attention. No, that likely won’t happen; Brandi and LeAnn are currently playing nice with each other. But if he needs help proving his worth to future dates, he can always flash this selfie he took with John Travolta.

DeanJohnTravolta

I don’t know if Dean and John Travolta are actually friends, or if that picture is the result of Dean ambushing John at an event. But I think it’s enough to convince Dean’s future dates that they’re being wooed by an extremely respectful gentleman. “Unlike some people who take selfies with John Travolta, I made sure mine was as flattering as possible. I shot it in the lowest resolution possible and threw on a filter that perfectly blurred the line between his forehead and his hairpiece. That’s just the kind of nice guy I am.

Pics: Instagram

Zac Efron Isn’t Dating Sami Miró Anymore

April 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Someone call up Michelle Rodriguez with the good news that her favorite lil’ party buddy is single and ready to mingle on the boat circuit with her this summer. Start stocking up on cases of Seagram’s Escapes and Malibu 6 tanning oil now, Michelle!

Earlier today, InTouch noticed that it looked like Zac Efron had removed all traces of his girlfriend of almost two years Sami Miró from his social media life. Gone were any pictures of Sami from Zac’s Instagram account, and he was no longer following her on Twitter. To those who require a Millenial to English translation, Zac basically peeled away the cellophane from the pages of his photo albums, ripped out every picture of Sami, and threw them in the trash along with the tape of saved answering machine messages. UsWeekly and E! News are saying that several sources have confirmed to them that Zac and Sami are no longer together.

As for the reason why, neither Zac or Sami have officially said anything about it. Even those sources didn’t have anything to say besides the fact that they were officially done. But according to InTouch, it might have something to do with a rumor that Sami was getting on a dick that wasn’t Zac’s at Coachella this past weekend.

However, based on those recent-ish shirtless pictures of Zac’s muscles, I’m more inclined to believe that he was the one who is leaving her for another someone else. And that someone else is creatine. My guess is that Zac was trying to balance them both, “The Boy Is Mine“-style, and got busted after whispering Sami’s name while chugging his morning protein shake. And when forced to choose between the two, he’s obviously going to choose his protein. Sorry Sami, you just can’t compete with the bitch who keeps Zac bulked-up like a human climbing wall.

Here’s Zac and Sami arriving at Jimmy Kimmel Live! way way back in January. As much as I want to have something to say about Sami’s lack of pants situation, I can’t, because I’m far too hypnotized by those gorgeous acrylic nail tips.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn.com

England’s Finest Rose And Her Husband Broke Up After 8 Months Of Being Married

April 18, 2016 / Posted by:

Last August, Frane Selak, the Croatian man who claims to have cheated death 7 times and won the lottery afterward, handed over his title of “World’s Luckiest Man” to James Placido after James married one of the most gorgeous and delicately elegant beings on this planet and beyond. James Placido became Mr. Jodie Marsh 8 months ago in an extremely secret wedding ceremony in Barbados. (Yes, it can still be called an “extremely secret wedding” ceremony even though nobody but me really cared.) I figured that Jodie Marsh and James’ love would last until eternity and would forever remain unbroken, but I should’ve seen this shit coming when I first looked at that picture of them. Never trust a dude whose hair and beard don’t touch.

Jodie announced on Instagram this morning that she and James are done, and since she knew that there was a big chance her phone would explode from every news organization in the world calling her at once, she let everyone know that she’s not in the mood to talk. Jodie didn’t say if she’s filed for divorce, but the BBC reports (no, it doesn’t) that James’ dick filed for divorce from him, because it hates him for separating it from her pink diamond-encrusted poon.

A photo posted by Jodie Marsh (@jodiemarshtv) on

I’m assuming that Jodie is the one who dumped his trick ass, because who dumps Jodie Marsh?! That’s like saying you don’t want to wake up to the beautiful scent of freshly bloomed roses (that’s what her farts smell like) and that you don’t like the taste of ripe strawberries dipped in sugar (that’s what her vagine tastes like). But well, maybe James had to leave Jodie for medical reasons. Maybe he suffered from severe hydration because he cried all day and night from seeing her natural beauty up close and he fainted every time he touched her. Yeah, I’m going to go with that.

Pic: Instagram

Drew Barrymore’s Marriage To That Guy Is Over

April 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Drew Barrymore’s first marriage to bar owner Jeremy Thomas happened when she was just 19 years old and was thrown a shallow grave two months later. Drew’s second (and weirdest) marriage to Tom Green lasted a bit longer than her first, but not much. That marriage was also thrown into a shallow grave after five months. Well, Drew’s third marriage has lasted more than five times longer than her first two marriages combined, but now that shit is also over. I called Drew’s soon-to-be third ex-husband “that guy” in my headline, because I always confuse him with WhatHisName who’s married to Jessica Simpson. I know, all non-famous husbands of blond famous types look the same to me!

Page Six says that 41-year-old Drew and her 38-year-old husband of three years, Will Kopelman, have split and one of them will file for divorce soon. When they do, I’m sure they’ll use the Hollywood Queen of Celebrity Divorces Laura Wasser, because Laura Wasser did say that March was going to be a big month for celebrity divorces and March was only a second away. Drew hasn’t confirmed this yet, but a source says that their marriage is done for real and it’s been heading there for a minute.

“They’ve been having some difficulties, but they remain close for the sake of their kids,” one source told Page Six of the actress, 41, and Kopelman, 38, who is the wealthy son of former Chanel CEO Arie Kopelman.

Another source added, “Drew had a very rebellious and wild childhood, with no family around her, and while she is a very different person now, and a great mother, some of that can stay with you.”

Drew and Will have two daughters: 3-year-old Olive and almost-2 -year-old Frankie. Drew recently got their names inked into her wrist skin.

That last quote from the second source is a little strange. What does it mean? I’m going to take it to mean that Drew still has a bit of wild in her and Will ended things after catching her bumping pussies with the nanny on top of the kitchen island. I mean, this is a celebrity divorce. A nanny has to be involved. It’s a law of life!

Pic: Wenn.com

Ben Affleck Just Booked A Back Tattoo Appointment For His Brother

March 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Cue up Haddaway and prepare your panties for the dropping! The Hollywood club scene better brace itself, because I’m guessing that if Ben Affleck gets his way, the Affleck Bros. are going to own that shit when they get out of a bright yellow Corvette and strut into Bootsy Bellows in matching backless tank tops to show off their panty cream-inducing mid-life crisis tattoos. Although, Casey Affleck won’t get a phoenix tattooed onto his back, because everyone will think he’s paying homage to his estranged wife. He’ll get like a really ~rad~ and ~awesome~ dragon instead.

InTouch Weekly was first to report, and People confirms, that 40-year-old Casey Affleck has joined his older brother in The Soon-To-Be-Divorced Club. Casey and his 37-year-old wife of 10 years, Summer Phoenix, have broken up. Casey’s rep gave this statement to People:

“Casey Affleck and Summer Phoenix have amicably separated. They remain very close friends.”

Casey and Summer have two sons, 11-year-old Indiana and 8-year-old Atticus. So Casey’s publicist really dropped the generic split-up statement ball. They forgot to add, “We remain committed to co-parenting our children and ask for privacy.” Dock their pay, Casey!

Casey and Summer’s brother Joaquin Phoenix became friends while doing To Die For together. Joaquin introduced Casey to Summer in 2000 and the two got married 6 years later.

A source tells InTouch that Casey and Summer tried to make it work in counseling, but couldn’t. The source adds that Summer has a lot of “trust issues.” Yeah, trust issues. Here we go again. Summer’s alleged “trust issues” makes me think that right now, their ex-nanny is calling all of the tabloids and is trying to get a brand new drop top Lexus in exchange for a shameless tell-all interview and poolside bikini pics. But since it’s Casey and not Ben, she’ll probably have to settle for a 2008 drop top Camry Solara in exchange for 5 tell-alls and naked pics.

Pics: Wenn.com

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