I guess you could say she fergalicious def, fergalicious def, fergalicious def, def-def-def-definitely didn’t want to be married to Josh Duhamel anymore. Or you could say Fergie and Josh have called it quits. Whichever works best for you (for me, it involves singing “Fergalicious“).
Fans of goofy-yet-still conventionally attractive oversharing Hollywood couples weep today. Although this news is probably secretly pleasing to hardcore Parks and Recreation fans who couldn’t ever imagine Andy Dwyer with anyone but April Ludgate. After eight years of marriage (aka approximately three decades in Hollywood years), perfect-seeming funny couple Chris Pratt and Anna Faris have called it quits.
It seems like the life has been sucked out of vampire Eric and Alexa Chung’s relationship. After more than two years together, Alexander Skarsgard and Alexa Chung are done. Thank God, because “Alex&Alexa“ sounds like an IKEA ottoman and its slipcover.
But he’s not spending his nights all sad at home. Page Six says that Nordic hottie Alexander Skarsgard took a vacation from my wet dreams (oh, back off, prudes!) and went out with (Leonardo DiCaprio’s ex) model (well, duh) Toni Garrn. They went on a blind date to the Dairy Queen in Montauk last weekend. Just kidding, Dairy Queen is too nice a place for a first date!
However, it doesn’t sound like Alex and Toni will go out with each other again. A source said, “They didn’t hit it off big-time. There may not be a second date in the cards.” Maybe it’s too soon for Tarzan?
But back to Alexa. Along with making me scratch my head as to why Alexa is viewed as such a *Hi-FAhShUN mUuUuZZzzzzzZZe* to sartorialists everywhere, she has been a bit of a Jane of the Jungle, swinging from A-Lister to A-Lister. She dated the lead singer of the Arctic Monkeys for a while, as well as a lengthy line-up of other rockers. Some even speculated Chris Martin was the jade egg in her vagine, and therefore why Gwyneth Paltrow and the Frodo of white people music consciously uncoupled. In short, I’m jealous.
Back in 1997, an entire country screamed, “RUN, VILI, RUUUUUUUN,” after the news came out that Vili Fualaau’s married sixth-grade teacher (she was also his second-grade teacher) Mary Kay Letourneau was arrested for statutory raping him. Vili was just 12 years old at the time and Mary Kay was 34. Well, Vili finally heard our cries 20 years later. Maybe.
The itchy-looking romance of our time appears to be over just as quickly as it began. 19-year-old Bella Thorne and 34-year-old Scott Disick’s casual hookup has been cut tragically short in its prime.
After dating for almost a year and a half, Amy Schumer and her boyfriend Ben Hanisch are done. Amy’s rep announced the news with a very generic statement.
“Amy and Ben have ended their relationship after thoughtful consideration and remain friends.”
Wow, no “It is with a heavy heart…” even? At least dress it up a little. It also kind of sounds like this breakup was the equivalent to a shrug, which is a bit of a surprise. Earlier this month, Howard Stern asked Amy if she was in love with Ben, who she met on a dating app. She replied, “Hell yeah” and said that she would “Maybe” marry him.
Ben Hanisch is a Chicago-based furniture designer, so this could be the last we ever hear of him. Or who knows, maybe he got a taste of sweet lady fame and will attempt to channel that $70 haircut and suburban good looks into an attempt at becoming the next Bachelor. Amy is a famous person, which means she’ll stay single until her publicist starts dropping hints that it’s time to get out there and be seen with someone at whatever next month’s Catch will be.
Since it’s almost summer, I say that Amy should make the most out of it and try to stay unattached until at least September. Summer is a great time to be free and casual. There’s nothing like putting your mouth on as many random mouths that taste like Hawaiian Punch and orange vodka as possible while trying to ignore all the sweat rolling down your business.