Category: Another One Bites The Dust

The Love Story Of Our Time Has A Sad Ending: Charlie Sheen Dumped His Piece Brett Rossi

October 17, 2014 / Posted by:

File this under: This is why Denise Richards is cackling today.

The inspirational, beautiful story of the love between the warlockized herpes strain Charlie Sheen and his porn piece Brett Rossi was supposed to end with her spoon feeding coke cut with Benefiber into his pepaw nostrils before cutting out a dick hole in his Depends diaper so the hooker they hired has easy access. They were supposed to be together forever. But just like a coochie when Charlie puts his nasty tongue on it, their love foamed at the mouth before dying. They are over.

In just a few weeks, Brett Rossi was supposed to walk down the aisle while carrying a bouquet of crack rocks and she was supposed to officially become Charlie Sheen’s fourth wife after the officiant, Ron Jeremy, announced, “I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now snort a fat line off of your bride’s asshole.” Charlie tells E! News that he called off their 8-month-old engagement and put Brett on the curb. In the statement he shat up to E!, Charlie calls Brett “Scotty” and I don’t know if that’s his nickname for her or if he just calls everyone that because he can’t remember names. (Added note: I must be on crack because I forgot she changed her name to Scottine Sheen which sounds like a brand of toilet paper.)

“Scotty and I had a great year together as we traveled the world and crossed a lot of things off our bucket list. She’s a terrific gal—but we’ve mutually decided to go our separate ways and not spend the rest of our lives together. I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus more than a relationship does right now. I still have a tremendous fondness for Scotty and I wish her all the best.”

After reading the line, “I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus,” Judy at the CPS office in L.A. just screamed out, “GODDAMNSIT,” in her cubicle, picked up her phone and called her kids to tell them that she can’t take them to Knott’s Berry Farm this weekend, because she’s going to be really busy with work since Charlie’s inconsiderate ass has decided he needs to spend time with his kids and ruin them some more. Poor Judy.

The bad news for Brett Rossi is that even though she probably got a good severance package (a leather suitcase full of money and a lifetime supply of Valtrex), she won’t be honored by the Gold Digger Hall of Fame anytime soon because she didn’t secure herself a regular alimony check by making a cracked out Charlie marry her in a drive-thru wedding chapel in Nevada. The good news for Brett Rossi is that she dodged a bullet and I mean that both figuratively and literally.

Pic: FameFlynet

Paula Patton Finally Files For Divorce From Robin Thicke

October 9, 2014 / Posted by:

After many many months of trying to get her go get her go get her go get her back, it looks like Robin Thicke can finally call the 1-800-GOT-JUNK guys to come and pick up the hundreds of boxes of unsold Paula albums in his garage and take them to the dump where they belong, because his wife has officially gone from “estranged” to “fuck this, I’m out”.

According to People, Robin’s former bottom bitch and the mother of his child Paula Patton filed for divorce on October 3rd in Los Angeles. She cited – YOU GUESSED IT – ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason, and is asking for joint custody of their 4-year-old son Julian. Although I heard (no I didn’t) that Paula simply walked into the Los Angeles County divorce court offices, threw down a copy of Paula, and said “This. This is why. Write that as the reason.

Well, he tried. Not everybody tries to win back their estranged wife by releasing a shitty thrown-together album of stalker-sounding love songs in a shameless attempt to profit off of your break-up and convince the public you’re not a douche-dipped pussy hound. And by ‘tried’, I mean he tried to profit off of it. What did Paula make, $876.42 worldwide? That’s like an hour in the VIP room at Clitter Shakers and a round of antibiotics at the STD clinic. You done good, Robin!

I’m sure Robin is taking this divorce news pretty hard (“Oh yeah, so hard” – says Robin, as his penis cries into hooker pussy), so I suggest Papa Alan try to cheer him up! Maybe throw on the Growing Pains theme and treat him to a lap dance from a stripper that looks like Joanna Kerns. “Show me that smile agaaaaain…

Leonardo DiCatchAHo Is Back Out On The Prowl, So Says OK! Magazine

September 30, 2014 / Posted by:

OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) says that 22-year-old German Victoria’s Secret model Teri Garr (I know that’s not her name, but every time I try to type her real name my auto-correct gene automatically corrects it to Teri Garr. I cannot deny my auto-correct gene!) is no longer sucking the face piojos and cheesy dandruff puffs out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s scraggly beard as they spoon on a yacht in the South of France while forever third wheel Lukas Haas watches from a dark corner. They say that after a year and a half of bumping nipples, Teri Garr and 39-year-old Leo are no longer together. They were last papped together in NYC on September 3rd. OK! Magazine has so many details about the split that you’ll have to read the following with a quadruple-magnified magnifying glass, because there’s details hidden in the details.

The Wolf of Wall Street actor, 39, ended his relationship with model Toni Garrn, 22, after a year and a half of dating. The couple was last spotted in New York City on Sept. 3.

The split wasn’t too much of a surprise, as Garrn attended New York Fashion Week solo, while DiCaprio partied on the West Coast. But what lead to the split?

So many details! A source tells Gossip Cop that OK! is lie-telling, because ToNardo is still a thing.

I don’t know, it’s pretty believable. The world is now teetering on its axis, because George Clooney is the picture perfect portrait of a happily married monogamous man and Adam Levine is no longer ho’ing it up out in the open. Leonardo DiCatchAHo really cares about the planet and he can’t let it completely spin off its axis by staying in a relationship too long. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Leo put Teri Garr on the curb, because now that Clooney and Adam Levine are temporarily off the market he’s gotta triple up his fuck load and do all the models. Besides, Teri Garr turned 22 in July and 22 is “older than Methuselah’s balls”  in DiCatchAHo years. That’s what the DiCatchAHo calculator on Victoria’s Secret’s website says anyway.

Here’s Toni Garrn (yes, I broke at least 3 finger bones while typing that name instead of Teri Garr) at some Vogue event in Milan on September 22nd.

Pics: Splash, Wenn.com, Pacific Coast News

Kelly Brook And Her Beautiful Bulgy Fiancé Have Called Off Their Engagement

September 27, 2014 / Posted by:

Does anyone have a watch? I need to call the official time of death of true love. If an elegant British breasticle goddess can’t make it work with a bulgy burmese python-thighed super stud, then what hope do the rest of us have? I’d shed a single lumpy dick-shaped tear, but I’m far too depressed to summon the saline needed.

According to the Daily Mail, Kelly Brook – the “WHO??” of all whos (I know nothing about her, and yet I love her) – and the come-to-life M.U.S.C.L.E. figurine David McIntosh have called it quits on their engagement, thus killing my dream of seeing Kelly and David’s beautifully tacky wedding and subsequent messy divorce. Kelly confirmed the sad news yesterday on Twitter:

She also went ahead and deleted all pictures of him from Instagram, which is a damn shame, because if Instagram needs more of anything, it’s bulgy beef jerky jocks.

So it sounds like they’re really done. How rotten! I was looking so forward to seeing David’s XL pig-in-a-blanket peen stuffed into a pair of too-tight tuxedo pants. Not to mention I’m starting to think I’ll NEVER see Kelly’s exquisite saline crumpets wrapped in Chantilly lace; this is Kelly’s 4th cancelled check of an engagement. I don’t pray much (unless you count every time I get to the top of a drop on a roller coaster and start weeping and pleading with Jesus not to take me to heaven), but I’m going to pray tonight for Kelly and David’s busted relationship. Because if there’s anything I need more of in my life, it’s pictures of Kelly being escorted around Beverly Hills by David’s trouser banger and beans.

Amber Rose And Wiz Khalifa Are Over And It Might Get Messy

September 24, 2014 / Posted by:

First Chavril, then Mama June and Shuggy, then Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner, and NOW Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa? Amber was just twerking in Wiz’s honor. That’s the seal of true love. How can it be over?! If you’re married, you better start hiding joint money in off-shore accounts before trolling for rebound dick, because everyone’s breaking up. The Grim Reaper is snatching up everyone’s marriage.

At the MTV Video Train Wreck Awards last month, Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa were the definition of understated elegance and pure love when they showed up looking like a two pence medieval hooker and an Emo scarecrow found in the clearance section of a Hot Topic the day after Halloween. But behind that facade of true love, their 1-year-old marriage was drowning in dirty bong water. TMZ says that Amber Rose filed papers to legally quit Wiz Khalifa after only 1 year of being married to him. Amber claims that they barely broke up on Monday, so shit went down and I’m bracing myself for all the side tricks who will crawl out from under the dumpster to sell their stories to Life & Style.

Amber is asking for full physical and legal custody of their 1-year-old son Sebastian and is happy to let Wiz visit him. Amber doesn’t have to ask for spousal support, because she says that the prenup she and Wiz signed guarantees her a monthly check.

Sources tell TMZ that their split is bitter. There’s been rumors that Amber’s wandering chocha has wandered over to Nick Cannon’s rogue dick. Nick’s production company recently signed Amber to a TV and book deal and some say that they’re more than just business partners. If that’s true, then Mimi should get REVENGE by fucking Wiz Khalifa. Wiz Khalifa looks like a skinny ass Sanrio character, so boning him shouldn’t be a problem for Mimi.

And really, we should’ve seen this coming as soon as Amber Rose showed off the giant, horrific kiss of inked death she tattooed into the back of her arm:

041813-fashion-beauty-amber-rose-wiz-khalifa-tatt-instagram.jpg

I hope Nick Cannon (or whoever her next piece is) gets off on having a stoned Wiz Khalifa stare at him as he hits Amber Rose from the back. Some kinky motherfucker would.

Here’s Amber Rose buying stuff in Beverly Hills yesterday.

Pics: Wenn.com

Final Proof That True Love Is And Has Always Been A Lie: America’s Royal Couple Has Separated

September 19, 2014 / Posted by:

QUICK! Everyone form a protective circle around Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, because 2014 is really taking a machete to the meaning of real love and none of our favorite couples are safe!

Most of you are still lying on the floor in a pile of sadness after reading about the tragic death of Canada’s royal couple and this truly sad news is going to make you want to pull yourself off of the floor and fall down again while screaming, “NO! NO! NO!TMZ says that the couple I thought would last forever (served with zero sarcasm) has broken up. Mama June has taken off her commitment ring and dumped Sugar Bear after finding out that he’s been trolling dating sites for new ass. Sugar Bear put up profiles on dating sites including PlentyOfFish.com. You know, Sugar Bear is as slow as Mama June’s metabolism, so maybe he thought that PlentyOfFish.com was a website where you buy actual fish?

TMZ has a screen shot of Sugar Bear’s profile. He calls himself Georgiafighter31054 and says he loves to hunt fish and ride 4 wheelers. Mama June believe in her diabetes-filled heart of diabetes-filled hearts that Sugar Bear’s been sticking his sugar dick in other tricks. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is shooting right now and once they’re done, she’s going to pack up her tribe of deep fried dumplings and move out of the house. She’s going to move closer to her relatives. Mama June and Sugar Bear released this sad-inducing statement to TMZ:

“Sugar Bear and I have decided to take some time apart to figure out some things in our relationship. We are taking things day by day but regardless of what happens the girls will always be our #1 priority. We want to thank ya’ll for your support.”

This has to be a shameless stunt for the finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. This world cannot go on without Sugar Bear gently sticking his peen between Mama June’s luscious stack of Pringles chins and fighting off the gnats to nibble off the corns from her forklift foot. That’s real love. My heart is broken and not even a gallon of sketti sauce can mend it together.

Here’s Mama June and Sugar Bear during happier times at Extra or Access Hollywood (or whatever show that twat Mario Lopez hosts) last year.

Pics: Wenn.com

RIP The Meaning Of Everlasting Love: Canada’s Royal Couple Is Headed For Divorce

September 17, 2014 / Posted by:

Pretty much every time two twats break up, I declare the death of love and say that Valentine’s Day should be canceled forever and we should all spend February 14th mourning the loss of true love by bawling into a giant plastic clear tub of Neapolitan ice cream (I know you buy that shit at Costco) while wearing a black veil. (That’s how I spend my Valentine’s Day anyway). But this time I really mean it. If a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears and a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears can’t make it work, who can? Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are on the same level of awful. They are a match made in hell and they should be together forever. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.

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Shrek And Fiona Are “On A Break”

September 10, 2014 / Posted by:

Uh oh, looks like there’s trouble in the swamp! According to Us Weekly, the Lowered Expectations version of Kim, Khloe Kardashian, and her sleazy Shrek-looking rapper/aspiring fame whore boyfriend, French Montana, have temporarily kalled it kwits on their 8-month relationship. I guess after 8 months of tirelessly working to keep her relationship relevant by getting papped walking in and out of nightclubs and airports with Shrek, Budget Kim is exhausted and needs to take a break. HA! Did you think I was serious? As if Pimp Mama Kris would ever let her hookers take a break from the ho stroll! No, a source claims Khloe wants to take a break because Shrek Montana is apparently a stage-5 clinger:

“They are on a break,” one source tells Us. “The relationship got too heavy and Khloe needed to take a step back. She just wants time apart from him.”

Another insider says the Moroccan-born musician was too “needy” for the reality star. “It grated on her that he became so dependent on her.”

Normally it’s a Kardashian that’s the one doing the soul-sucking, not the other way around. I’m sure that really confused Satan.”I don’t get it! He’s even more desperate to be famous than our own hookers! Kris, are you sure he didn’t accidentally fall out of your snatch 30 years ago?” Oh well, back to the swamp with you, Shrek. Say hello to Don-keh for me!

And speaking of things getting too heavy, here’s Khloe shopping for watermelons (aka “removable fruit-based butt shapers“), then walking around Williams-Sonoma with them stuffed into the ass of her pants:

Pics: Splash

RIP Brit Brit And Normal Guy Dave

August 29, 2014 / Posted by:

Pour out a bowl of cheese grits this morning, because the love between Britney Spears and her normal boyfriend Normal Guy Dave (born name: David Lucado) is as dead as a melted Frapp (“Oooh, give it here, I’ll still drink it!” – Brit Brit). According to TMZ, Brit Brit dumped Normal Guy Dave after someone (Chester Cheetah working under the alias Deep Flamin’ Hot Throat) tipped off Daddy Spears to the existence of a video showing Normal Guy Dave cheatin’ on the world’s most precious little chicken-fried steak dumplin’ Brit Brit Spears. ESCANDALO, Y’ALL! »

Zac Efron And Michelle Rodriguez Aren’t A Thing Anymore

August 20, 2014 / Posted by:

There will be no 0 carat, princess cut crack rock engagement rings. There will be no wedding where the guests will gasp when Michelle Rodriguez lifts Zac Efron’s veil and reveals his stunningly made up wedding day face. There will be no baby that’s a giant six pack with brows. There will be none of that, because Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are done doing whatever it is they were doing for the past 2 months.

Several multiple sources (read: Zac’s PR bitch, Michi’s PR bitch, that Italian daddy, etc) tell UsWeekly that they had a major fight in Ibiza and left the shattered pieces of their genuine love on the shores of Spain.

“Michelle is going to do her own thing. Zac knew this about her when he got with her,” a second source tells Us. “He’s very into her though, and perhaps more than she’s into him.”

Indeed, despite calling it quits, Efron, 26, hasn’t lost hope on the relationship. “Zac still wants to be with her,” the first source adds.

He’s very into her” translates into “She gets the best kind of bad shit.”

Sadly for all of us, this shit ended without them leaking some kind of sex tape. Damn that Zac for ruining EVERYTHING. Damn him for making his scissor sister mad by stealing her stash. Or maybe Michelle’s the one who screwed up by cheating on him badly when she used the double-sided dildo they shared on another whore. Damn them both.

Here’s MRod mourning the loss of Zachelle by partying with some hot chicks at Nikki Beach Club in Marbella a few days ago.

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