Category: Another One Bites The Dust

Ashley Olsen And Her Financier Boyfriend Have Broken Up

March 22, 2017 / Posted by:

Despite it looking like the cover shot of a Nicholas Sparks novel called Daddy Issues, that picture above is actually of Ashley Olsen and her most recent boyfriend on vacation in St. Barts in January. Sadly, there will be no more Caribbean beach PDA for them.

UsWeekly says that after five months of dating, 30-year-old Ashley and 50-something financier Richard Sachs are over. A source tells UsWeekly it ended because she wanted to focus on her clothing line.

The source adds that they’re still friends and “hang out.” For people like you and me, “still hanging out” can mean sending a text at 1am for a half-hearted hook-up. But Ashley and Richard are super rich. So I choose to assume that “still hanging out” means they get together every Tuesday (the gentleman’s Friday) and dare each other to drink unfiltered tap water or ride the subway – no silk gloves! – with the general public.

If life were like a Hallmark movie, this would be the part where a meddling Mary-Kate Olsen takes Ashley aside after throwing a pot roast into the over for dinner, and urges her not to be so career-driven. (Takes long drag off cigarette) “You poor dear. Do you need me to set you up? I hear Jennifer’s grandfather is single!

Pic: Splash

Katy Perry And Orlando Bloom Are Taking “Respectful, Loving Space” From Each Other

March 1, 2017 / Posted by:

On the bright side, we’ll always have those pictures of Katy Perry and Orlando Bloom on vacation in Sardinia with a very special appearance by his dick. On the downside, we still have those nightmare-making pictures of Katy and Orlando dressed up as Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump for Halloween.

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Captain America And Jenny Slate Have Broken Up

February 8, 2017 / Posted by:

That picture of Chris Evans and Jenny Slate is from months ago, but I’m using it to back up my theory that air travel probably killed their relationship. How could it not? The airport is a mouse trap designed by Satan to test how fast humans will crack under the pressure of spotty WiFi and $16 turkey sandwiches.

But the reason that’s being given for why Captain America and Mona Lisa Saperstein called it quits after almost a year of dating is the old celebrity standard excuse of being too busy. A source tells UsWeekly that their schedules kept making it impossible for them to do couple things. The source adds that it happened within the past two or three weeks. A different source tells E! News that the breakup wasn’t “dramatic.” Chris was most recently seen sans-Jenny at the Super Bowl on Sunday.

Jenny met Chris while working on the upcoming film Gifted together while she was still married to her husband of four years, Dean Fleischer-Camp. About a week before Jenny and Chris came out as a couple on Anna Faris’ podcast, it was announced that Jenny and Dean were getting a divorce. So there’s a chance someone, somewhere might be cackling with glee at this news.

Chris and Jenny officially went public with their relationship in June at the New York premiere of The Secret Life of Pets, and the same night she gushed to Entertainment Tonight that Chris is her “dream 7th grade boyfriend.” She might be regretting that now. Or maybe when she was in 7th grade, her dream was a year-long relationship with a hot nice bro that ended without drama. I’m sure every 7th grader who has ever gotten dumped after a week in the cafeteria on pizza day would agree with that.

Pic: Splash

But Who Gets Custody Of The Fancy Gourmet Popcorn Shop?!

January 25, 2017 / Posted by:

Seen above in happier times (yes, that’s them being happy), Princess Charlene cosplayer Scarlett Johansson and her wedded piece of 2 years Romain Dauriac are done with being married to each other. I will light my Bea Arthur saint candle and say a prayer for the gag reflexes of ScarJo’s PR team, because they’re going to need to stay strong as they open up all the jizz-sealed letters from nerd boys who now think they have a chance with Black Widow.

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Cuba Gooding Jr. Is Getting Divorced From His Wife Of 20 Years

January 20, 2017 / Posted by:

Cuba Gooding Jr. and his wife Sara Gooding got married in 1994, and in 2014, she decided needed a break from him, so they split up. Three years of legal separation sounds like a dream situation for two people who don’t want to be married anymore. Getting to be single again with no messy divorce? That sounds great. Except that Cuba now wants the divorce part.

TMZ says that Cuba filed for divorce and is asking for joint legal and physical custody of their 10-year-old daughter. He’s willing to give Sara spousal support, but there’s a catch. He doesn’t want her to get a piece of the money he made after she filed for legal separation in 2014. That means Sara is welcome to some of his Snow Dogs cash, but she better stay away from his American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson money. Personally, I think Sara should at least be financially compensated for the 20 years worth of “Show me the money!” jokes she’s had to put up with.

Cuba has been acting single for a while now, so I’m guessing this divorce is happening because he was getting tired of having to answer “Wellllll….” every time a woman asks if he’s married. But now that everyone knows, he’s going to want to get used to the feeling of being swarmed by crowds of women everywhere he goes. I mean, what woman wouldn’t want to get with this?

CAPTION THIS!!!! I can't!!! Laughing too hard😂😂😂😂 love this NUT! #whiteboywasted

A photo posted by Marlon Wayans (@marlonwayans) on


Nicki Minaj Confirms That She’s Done With Meek Mill

January 5, 2017 / Posted by:

Two weeks ago we found out that Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill’s relationship of two years was pretty much done. Meek Mill had allegedly started seeing a boutique owner in Philadelphia, and Nicki was Instagramming vague shit about deserving better and dodging bullets. Neither said whether they were actually split up, but why would they? You don’t get as much attention that way, and those two love getting attention. Two weeks later, and Nicki Minaj is finally ready to confirm what we already sort of knew had happened.

Meek Mill hasn’t said anything in response to Nicki’s tweet, but that could be because he’s too busy packing up a U-Haul while Nicki’s assistants make sure his movers don’t track dirt on the carpet of their rental. That, or he’s on a social media hiatus while he pledges The Society of Nicki’s Bitter Exes.

But the real question here is…who got custody of the gaudy jewelry?!? Meek Mill has given Nicki at least two giant diamond engagement-style rings. I think the social custom is that Nicki gets to keep them, but it might be nice if she gave them back to Meek Mill. He might need something to sell for quick cash in the event people were right and he really was only successful because he was doing Nicki Minaj. I could totally see his mortal enemy Drake pulling a shady move by offering to buy one of them. After all, it’s only a matter of time before Drake’s publicist gives him the go-ahead to start working the pretend engagement ring angle.


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