After several weeks of nervously clutching their brass prayer beads, your 15-year old Teen Vogue-reading cousins can finally let out that long wail of sadness and pour out a bottle of Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume onto a pair of their favorite high-waisted black skinny jeans, because UsWeekly says their pseudo-hipster Prince and Princess, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, are OVER. It was originally reported that Blythe’s ginger cousin and Baby Bob Ross were on a break (yes I just re-read that in Ross’s voice), but now a “source” is saying they’ve officially called it quits on each other:
“[She's] ended things and moved back to L.A. It’s finished. It’s not just a break.”
Another “source” (damn those gossipy blabbermouths at Madewell) claims that Andrew’s commitment to method acting as a 17th-century Jesuit for Martin Scorsese’s upcoming film Silence was one of the reasons she packed up her ankle boots and left:
“He’d been in a dark place for months, getting into his role. He wasn’t being the best partner.”
My only knowledge of Jesuits comes from what I learned during a high school class trip to a place called Sainte-Marie among the Hurons, and all I really remember is a blacksmith named Steve who was a dead ringer for Dean from FUBAR, so I don’t know if pretending to be a Jesuit is a deal-breaker or not. But I’ll assume so, since method acting anything from the 17th-century probably means smelling like hot swamp ass. They didn’t have ‘poo back in the 17th-century, right? No wonder he’s been in a dark place! I would be too if I kept catching whiffs of toxic stank mouth and realized it was coming from my beard.
But maybe don’t pour the whole thing out, since you’ll want at least a little bit to help you cope with the fact that America’s constantly-high Hillbilly Rodent Princess Miley Cyrus and the dude who was made when Kindergarten Cop busted a bareback nut into a Kennedy cousin (aka Patrick Schwarzenegger) are done with each other. If two rich party rats can’t make a PR relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?
According to People, a “source” (Hollerin’ Hank from his new website, www.I’sDoneToldYuz.net, which is really just Hank nailing pieces of gossip to the side of the ol’ shouting tree) says Miley and Patrick are officially killing their relationship after 5 months, adding that “It’s not a break. It’s done.” Apparently they called it quits because Patrick’s side-piece was tired of picking weed-scented pork rind crumbs out of his pubes. NO! The source says it’s because he’s still in college and she’s got her music career and they’re in “two different places.”
Neither Miley’s or Patrick’s rep has said anything about their break up, and Miley has yet to tweet something about how she ‘ain’t makin’ slimeys no more‘ or whatever trashy possum term Miley’s family has for fucking.
Then again, yesterday was 420, which means she had better things to do than tweet about her break up. Actually, now that I think about it – I bet she’s already forgotten that it happened. (ring ring) “Hey Patrick Sandwichwhatever, it’s me Miley! Y’all wanna come over and make slimeys? What do ya mean we ain’t not no more courtin? Dang, you done achy breaked mah heart! You still wanna come over tho? I got a new bottle of jerky lube that I’m itchin’ to try.“
Big Sean And Ariana Grande Latte Broke Up After Only 8 Months And They’d Like You To Respect Their Privacy
Expect Naya Rivera to tweet something like, “I normally don’t, but HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!”
Grade schools everywhere are calling in extra guidance counselors today to comfort the children who are traumatized by the breakup of playground queen Ariana Grande Latte and her boyfriend of 8 long months Big Sean. Elementary school cafeterias will be serving pot brownies for the next couple of days and not just because it’s 4/20, but because they need to calm down all of the hysterical, bawling chirrun who have lost faith in true love. Reps for the
Monster High Monster Grade School dropout and Big Sean pulled out a melodramatic generic statement from the file marked “break ups” and gave it to UsWeekly:
“They both deeply care for each other and remain close friends. We kindly ask that the media respect their wish for privacy regarding this personal matter at this time.”
I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: Queefing up a serious statement over a relationship that lasted about as long an extended fart or saying that they want privacy during this difficult time. I’ve had meals at Outback that have lasted longer than their relationship and now that I think about it, I got the super sads when that meal ended and I should’ve released a serious statement about it. But I shouldn’t laugh at the dramatic toddler and her grown boyfriend. You know how kids are. They celebrate their one week anniversary of going around, so 8 months is a lifetime to them. I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is crying out real toddler tears, because the MASH game said she was going to marry Big Sean, live in a mansion with him, have 45 kids, drive a crystal carriage and get a job as a fairy princess. The MASH game lied to her!
An “inside source” tells UsWeekly that Big Sean’s baseball bat dick stopped paying a visit to Ariana Grande’s billion dollar pussy a few weeks ago, because they decided that they should end things now since their touring schedules are going to keep them apart for the next year. Or maybe they broke up because their contract expired. Or maybe her daddy made her break up with him for saying he gives her the big D on Instagram. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is going to rebound with Justin Bieber. The Biebs better spend more time on the Playskool weight bench, because Ariana likes to be carried around and her 2 ton ponytail weighs more than he does.
Well, so much for that old saying: The couple who Instagrams fake moustache selfies together stays together (that’s a saying, right?). TMZ says that after ten months of being married, Zachary Levi (aka Chuck from Chuck, Flynn from Tangled, John Krasinski’s off-brand drug store equivalent) and Missy Peregrym (aka Andy from Rookie Blue, or bobo Amy Jo Johnson as she’s known in my brain) are yanking off their wedding rings, slipping them into a pre-paid Cash4Gold envelope, and throwing them in the nearest mailbox, because they are DONE with each other.
Amy Jo Johnson Missy got secret married in Hawaii last June, but it sounds like their marriage was dead long before they officially called it quits. TMZ says Missy filed divorce papers last week and listed their date of separation as December 3, 2014, which means technically their marriage bit the dust after only six months. Of course, they pretty much cursed the whole thing back in June when they announced their future mistake by throwing this pic up on Instagram:
In order of Hollywood relationship curses, it goes: tattoo, name change, matching personalized clothes, recording a duet, appearing on a VH1 reality show. So really, they should have known better with those MR & MRS hoodies. I bet if they check in the pocket, there’s a business card for a divorce lawyer inside.
Really though, ten months isn’t that bad for two famous types (Clippy just popped up on my screen with a speech bubble that said “Did you mean to write famous adjacent?” Thanks, Clippy). I think ten months might actually qualify them for a Hollywood Marriage Merit Badge.
Don’t worry, I promise not to make a “stick a fork in it” joke, if only because it will make me hungry again, and I’ve already stuck my fork in a shameful number of many mac n’ cheese balls today. UsWeekly says that Food Network chef and January Jones‘ one-time demo derby partner Bobby Flay and his wife of 10 years Stephanie March (aka ADA Alexandra Cabot from Law & Order: SVU) are taking a break from each other.
A source close to Bobby Flay (a giant talking tub of Fage) says that they split a couple weeks ago and Bobby has since moved out of their apartment in NYC. This was Stephanie March’s first marriage and Bobby Flay’s third. No word on why they are separating. “Yeah, and let’s keep it that way” thought Bobby’s Food Network Star co-host Giada De Laurentiis, as she avoided all the ‘Did you have something to do with this?’ looks on set this morning.
Well, at least now Bobby can be with his one true love (himself), while Stephanie can focus on writing a Happy Endings spin-off about the Kerkovich sisters that I dream about nightly and would totally donate one of my kidneys to see happen.
Here’s Bobby and Stephanie walking around NYC two days ago. Note for the pervs: Bobby is wearing a pair of pull-on joggers, but don’t bother grabbing your Dicktective’s Choice™ magnifying glass; I already checked and there’s nothing to see here.
After almost four years together, the Madewell version of Robsten (I’m sure my inbox is filling up with “Subject: YOU SKANK BITCH” emails courtesy of those last few die-hard Twihards for that one) might be calling it quits. According to Star (via Hollywood Life), 26-year-old Emma Stone and 31-year-old Andrew Garfield are taking a break from each other. I know, if Spider Man and Spider Man’s girlfriend can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?
Even though they seemed like a match made in pap-shaming heaven, a source (a gossipy mouse that lives in Andrew Garfield’s beard) says they’ve been drifting apart for a while now. The source also says that when Andrew blamed being a no-show at the Golden Globes and the Oscars on filming, he was being a lie-telling liar:
“Yes, Andrew was filming but he could have gotten away if he really wanted to. The fact was, neither one of them wanted to plaster on a smile and pretend everything was OK when it wasn’t.”
Currently they’re “taking some time apart to figure things out”, but anyone who has ever tried going on a break knows that a “break” is usually the fart that leads to a dump, so we’ll see what happens. In the mean time, you might want to set up a makeshift prayer shrine using a bunch of red headed Blythe dolls and a Garfield candle (everyone has one of those, right?) just in case. I mean, any excuse to pull out that exquisite Garfield candle, right?
Do they make chewable, fruit-flavored Valium? Because the Directioners are going to need some after the traumatizing and melodramatic week they’ve had.
Last week, every Directioner’s toddler life was turned upside down when Zayn Malik, the Sad Spice of the group who always looks like someone just sharted in his last jar of pomade while choking his puppy, left One Direction’s world tour due to “stress” after pictures of him holding hands with a trick who wasn’t his girlfriend came out. Preschool and kindergarten playgrounds were empty and quiet, because what kid wants to play and laugh when their religion is falling apart? Well, now, every preschooler is going to call in a mental health day tomorrow, because their life has been turned upside down again.
Louis Tomlinson (Who I guess is the Joey McIntyre of 1d, but then again, aren’t they all the Joey McIntyre of 1D?) and his piece of 4 years Eleanor Calder are done. Louis is approximately 4 years old, so they started dating while they were both newborns. Louis’ spokeswhore tells People that they ended it 2 weeks ago. Louis’ rep confirmed the break up today, because The Sun published a picture of him “snogging” (read: touching tongues) with some other trick at a pool party in Thailand a little over a week ago. A source tell People that Louis and Eleanor dumped their relationship in a shallow grave because they were always in different places:
“Louis is really upset about it all. They tried really hard to make it work but it was just impossible, he’s away for nine months a year and they just grew apart.”
First, Zayn and now THIS? You would think that 20-something millionaire pop stars who are drowning in offers of ass would stay true to their pieces forever and ever? What is happening in the world?
And I guess now that Louis’ contract with that Eleanor chick has expired, LARRY is free to live!
I don’t know if Louis’ makeup artiste went heavy with the rouge or if that’s just a skid mark of pure joy that appears on his cheeks when he touches the other half of Larry?
Today in “failed contract renegotiations,” Bradley Cooper has decided that he’s done with fetus-aged model Suki Waterhouse being his plus one at events and co-starring with him in staged photo shoots. Both E! and People say that after two years together, B.Coop has taken a Norelco shaver to Sookeh. Oh well, at least we’ll always have those totally natural and not-at-all choreographed pictures of B. Coop teaching Suki how to read Lolita while lying under a tree together. People says that B. Coop and Suki broke up in January:
The couple ended their relationship before the Oscars in January but remained friends and attended the award show together, the source says. They were even spotted dining at Nobu Malibu with another pal the next night, though an onlooker says they didn’t seem affectionate during the meal.
In their defense, they probably weren’t affectionate, because cameras weren’t around and who wants to “canoodle” during a meal? I always throw a side-eye of judgement at couples who hold hands while eating and kiss between bites. Freaks! When I’m at dinner, I need both hands to cut the steak and I need my mouth to eat the cut-up steak. Nobody’s got time for “canoodling” when food is involved. But if I want to get affectionate during dinner, I will give my date a quick foot job under the table. That’s what normals do!
A quick minute ago, UsWeekly said that Suki was “itching” to get engaged (Um, is she sure she didn’t have crabs?) and was “warming up” to the idea of marriage. That’s where Suki went wrong. She probably dropped too many hints and it scared. B. Coop away. She should’ve waited patiently until B. Coop told his manager to tell her manager that he’s ready to upgrade their contract. B. Coop is probably traditional like that.
But whatever, Suki doesn’t need B. Coop! Here she is at the NYC premiere of Insurgent giving you:“I’m single and ready to mingle…with Tom Cruise’s people, because I’m looking for a new contract.”
Susan Sarandon’s ping-pong mogul boy toy is 37 years old and so he’s starting to spoil a bit and smell and it won’t be long before he starts spouting white pubes and complains about back pain after they fuck on the ping-pong table. So it’s about that time for Susan Sarandon to drop him and get herself some fresh, younger meat. Page Six says that 68-year-old Susan is done shooting ping-pongs out of her poon and into the mouth of Jonathan Bricklin (you know how kinky those ping-pong playing types are) and it’s not because he old now. It’s because he wants to be in a reality show. Reality shows: destroying relationships since 2005.
A source tells Page Six that the ping-pong dude signed up to do a reality show for AOL called “Connected,” which follows 6 New Yorkers and their partners. Each couple was given a camera to record their lives for 6 months. Susan agreed to do it at first, but quickly realized that she’s too good for that shit. So she dumped him after 5 years together.
“It caused a lot of strain in the relationship. It’s documented for the show that Susan breaks up with him because she doesn’t want to be involved with the show. She says, ‘You’re a cast member, I’m not.’”
The source says that they’re trying to work things out so there’s a chance they’ll get back together.
What is there to work out? He chose a reality show over her! This is how it begins. First, he gets her to do a semi-artsy “docu-series” for AOL and then suddenly she’s starring in The Real Housewives of Ping-Pong Moguls for Bravo! Besides, I would’ve quit that bitch as soon as he said, “Let’s star in a reality show for AOL.” Just reading the name AOL gives me the shakes. It takes me back to the late 90s when I’d chew off the tips of my finger skin while waiting to see if I’d get onto AOL via dial-up or not. And nothing felt lonelier than finally getting onto AOL and not hearing that guy say “You’ve Got Mail.” AOL held my emotions in their hands, so screw them for that!
UPDATE: Jonathan Bricklin queefed up a statement to People explaining the current state of his relationship with Susan Sarandon. He doesn’t really deny that they’re broken up. It sounds like he found a really, really complicated way to say, “We’re just friends now.”
“Susan and I have a lot of respect and great admiration for each other. It’s impossible to concisely characterize our relationship, other than to say that it continues to evolve in new and unexpected ways. She supported my decision to be a part of AOL’s Connected, and making this series about my life has brought up real and somewhat unexplored issues, but it didn’t break us up.”
And here’s Susan trolling for new trade at the Hamburg Trade Fair in Germany last week.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
When Little Britain’s David Walliams and Justin Bieber’s one-time babysitter Lara Stone added to the definition of random back in 2010 by marrying each other, Michael K made a joke that if she didn’t do something about her SANS EYEBROWS wedding day situation, she’d be using a Sharpie to sign divorce papers. Well, 5 years later she did do something about her eyebrows, but it looks like the curse of the janky eyebrows was just too strong, because the Telegraph says that after 5 years of marriage, 43-year-old David and 31-year-old Lara are calling it quits.
So far their split is pretty Lifetime-y; Lara reportedly moved out of their house last night and took their 1-year-old son Alfred and their dog Bert with her. Nooo! Not Bert! This is turning into some Not Without My Dog-er nonsense. So far they’ve classified their current situation as a “trial separation”. No word on what broke them up, so until we find out the details, I’m sticking with eyebrow curse.
Although maybe shit started to go south in their marriage shortly after Lara shot that CK training pants campaign and David realized he just couldn’t compete with such a notoriously sexy super stud like Justin Bieber. Yeah, that’s definitely it.