And I bet that’s how it happens, too. Some random guy approaches you outside of a club, grabs your arm and whispers: “Sir, I regret to inform you that E! has decided to terminate your relationship. Please take this waist trainer and set of gently-used butt pads as our way of saying thanks. Now shoo.”
I guess Khloe Kardashian got tired of that polygamist life, because UsWeekly is saying she went ahead and kalled it kwits with her sort-of side piece of seven months, Houston Rockets shooting guard James Harden. And of course I say sort-of, because as we all know, KoKo is technically still married to Lamar Odom (but more on that later). According to a source, Khloe gave James his walking papers “weeks ago“, which means this marks the first time in history that a Kardashian waited longer than 0.3 seconds before mining their personal life for attention.
But don’t worry – Khloe isn’t wasting any Botoxed tears on James. According to a post written by some poor intern for Khloe’s pay-per-view website (via the Daily Mail), Khloe is looking for love on OkCupid. If you’re single and ready to sell your soul to Kris Jenner, Khloe goes by “khloewithak“. Khloe likes long walks from her car in front of the paps, cuddling up by the fires of Hell while renegotiating her contract with Satan, and jet-setting off to countries with lax butt injection laws. Khloe says she made an OkCupid profile for fun (and probably a check) and adds that she’s never done online dating before.
One thing she forgot to mention is that any potential suitors should probably be cool with Khloe ditching them to hang out with her husband. Like she did on Super Bowl Sunday. TMZ says Lamar has made a ton of progress since he was found unconscious at a Nevada brothel back in October. Lamar reportedly went hiking on Sunday with Khloe and Kim Kardashian, and his goal is to run again. His improvement also includes processing thoughts and carrying on a conversation. So basically, his brain function has surpassed that of Khloe and Kim’s.
Here’s an on-the-prowl Khloe looking like a suburban cougar hairstylist named Barb (that’s a compliment) at the club with French Montana last night. Shit, Khloe’s really recycling all her past dicks this week.
“What’s that? Oh, just the sound of another beard biting the dust. Thanks for taking the fall for me on this one, mom!”
It sure is tough out there for a model trying to make a name for herself in the professional girlfriend game. Despite the fact that only two months ago there were whispers that Bradley Cooper was living at Irina Shayk’s apartment and that he’d covered her coffee table in copies of Modern Bride, it sounds like he’s gone ahead and slipped their ten month old contract into the paper shredder. And The Sun (via Daily Mail) says it’s all because she wasn’t compatible with his mama, Gloria Campano.
According to The Sun, Bradley and Irina’s relationship went south at Christmas because Irina gave Bradley a cheap knock-off Tangle Teezer when she knew damn well he wanted a new Mason Pearson. No, it’s because Irina wasn’t getting along with his mom, and it was causing all sorts of drama. The more time Irina and Gloria spent together, the more they realized they’d rather be locked in a windowless room and forced to watch an unedited director’s cut of Aloha alone than spend one more minute with each other.
Eventually shit got so tense between the two of them, Bradley had to choose a side, and he picked his mommy. And who could blame him? Irina couldn’t hold a candle to the stunning pocket-sized Sarasota Snowbird goddess that is Gloria Campano.
But don’t cry for Irina just yet. Apparently she’s already replaced B.Coop with a 25-year-old model type named Stephen James who looks like this. And I’m sure Bradley Cooper will have a new model type girlfriend just as soon as he’s able to narrow down the VOGUE covers in front of him from five to three. “Hmmm…this is tough. They’re all so model-y.”
Put on your Team Aniston or Team Jolie t-shirt, throw a Von Dutch hat on your head and pour out the iced tea you got to go from The Ivy, because the once fame whore capital of Robertson Blvd. is closing forever. Gone is the dream that one day you’ll get to text your friend on your bedazzled Sidekick about how you just saw Kimberly Stewart and Brittny Gastineau buy matching Mrs. Kutcher t-shirts and baby blue UGGs at Kitson. Let us all cry into our Juicy Couture sweats (you know, the ones with “Juicy” on the ass), because a piece of the early 2000s has died.
I did not know that there are 17 Kitsons spread throughout California, Oregon and Nevada, but it’s true. Who knew that there were 17 places on the West Coast where I could buy an Adderall jersey and a sequined trucker cap. But the Los Angeles Times says that all of those 17 stores, including their main one on Robertson, will soon be empty shells filled with the dusty memories of fame whores buying their overpriced crap just so the paparazzi will take their picture. Kitson’s website is also closing. Their going-out-of business sale started yesterday.
Since fame whores are fickle messes, Kitson is no longer the jewel of the ho stroll like it once was. It hasn’t been doing well money-wise and the company that owns Spencer’s tried to save it, but it was too late.
In 2013, the company got a $15-million credit line from Salus Capital Partners to refinance its debts and provide working capital.
Then this summer, Spencer Spirit Holdings Inc., which owns the Spirit Halloween costume stores and Spencer’s novelty gift shops, agreed to extend a loan to Kitson to pay down the loan with Salus and stave off the bankruptcy that was likely to follow.
RIP Kitson. You’ll always be a major part of the simpler times when Kim Kartrashian was known as “Paris Hilton’s assistant.”
And let’s take a stroll down fame whore memory lane….
On RHoBH, Yolanda Foster is always going on about how David Foster is her king and she lives to take care of him and they’re love is like the moon and blah blah blah blah… Well, I guess the reality show curse has struck again and swallowed Yolanda and David’s marriage whole. On the day that the new season of RHoBH premieres, Yolanda and David announced that their kingdom of love has crumbled after 4 years of marriage and 9 years together.
“Sadly we have decided to go our separate ways. We’ve shared 9 beautiful and joyous years together. During that time we experienced love, friendship and the inevitable challenges that come with managing a marriage, careers, blended families and health issues.”
They forgot to add, “…and watch as our marriage begins its slow descent into the gutter on the season premiere of Real Housewives of Beverly Hills tonight!” Andy Cohen is slipping.
Yolanda and David recently sold their Malibu mansion for $20 million and she said they were downsizing to something more manageable because of her health issues. Yolanda has Lyme disease and this season of RHoBH is apparently all about how the shady bitches on the show think she’s faking it. Illness fakery on reality shows is obviously really in right now.
Yolanda and David didn’t have kids together. She has three kids, Gigi Hadid, Bella Hadid and Anwar Hadid with her first husband Mohammad Hadid (aka that really rich lion-looking guy on RHoBH). David has five kids.
David is Yolanda’s second husband and Yolanda is David’s fourth wife. So, line up, gold diggers, because David is probably trolling for his fifth wife.
And anyone who watches Real Housewives of Beverly Hills is probably asking, “But who will get custody of the lemons?!!!!!” It’s an important question.
The day after Thanksgiving, Jennifer Aniston’s Lonely Sadling Starter Kit (containing Adele’s new CD, a membership to Rent-A-Cat, a boyfriend pillow, 3 logs of uncooked cookie dough and Aveeno tear wipes) probably showed up on Courteney Cox’s doorstep, because she has broken up with her dude of 2 years.
Courteney and Johnny McDaid of the band Snow Patrol got engaged in June 2014 after dating for 6 months of dating. People says that Johnny isn’t going to become Courteney’s second husband, because they quit each other right before Thanksgiving. Johnny already moved all of his shit out of Courteney’s houses and has gone back to his homeland of the UK. A source tells TMZ that they went to counseling and tried to make it work, but to quote Paula Abdul’s opus Opposites Attract, Johnny goes to bed early and Courteney parties all night. That worked for Paula and MC Skat Kat, but it didn’t work for Courteney and Johnny. And now they’re over.
I always thought these two were good together. I mean, Johnny looks like a second-tier Ralph Fiennes impersonator who moonlights as a serial killer and she looks like the wax puppet he created to taunt his victims. But oh well, now Courteney is free to marry Andy Dick so her name can be Courteney Cox-Dick. Or marry Meat Loaf so her name can be Courteney Cox-Loaf. Or marry Chelsea Handler so her name can be Courteney Cox-Handler. I can do this all day.
Elizabeth Olsen and Tom Hiddleston never came out and said, “Yup, our fuck parts rub together every day, all day,” and even she said that her chocha isn’t regularly getting Hiddleston’d. But the tabloids kept saying that they’re 100% a couple… and now Star (via Classicalite) is saying that they’re 100% not a couple anymore.
Star’s source (Hi, Lizzie Olsen’s publicist! I hope you had a good holiday!) says that Elizabeth Olsen didn’t break up with Tom Hiddleston because she was sick of his fans calling her all the time to say, “I hope you die.” That doesn’t bother Elizabeth at all since she’s used to a creepy voice saying, “I hope you die,” when she picks up the phone. Mary-Kate and Ashley Olsen say that to her every time they call. It’s their way of saying “hello.” The source says that Elizabeth dumped Tom because she doesn’t want to get into anything serious.
“Elizabeth’s so focused on her career. She wasn’t sure she could handle a serious relationship right now.”
I know, Elizabeth Olsen needs an MRI stat, because there must be something wrong with her brain area if she’s choosing to work instead of doing Tom Hiddleston all the time. But really, getting dumped by Elizabeth Olsen may have saved Tom Hiddleston’s life! If they were still together, she would’ve dragged him to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding and if he went to Mary-Kate’s ciggie smoke cloud of a wedding, he would’ve ended up coughing up his blackened lungs on the floor as the Trollsens danced around him while cackling.
Pour out a glass of non-alcoholic sparkling grape juice for Tim Tebow’s favorite hand-holding hand today (it’s totally the left one), as it’s about to be real lonely. According to the NY Daily News, Jesus’ favorite football player is single again after his girlfriend of two months dumped his ass and she’s citing lack of dick as the reason.
The handsome human VeggieTales character got together with the former Miss USA and former Nick Jonas humper Olivia Culpo at the beginning of October. And when I say “got together“, I’m of course referring to everything but their genitals, because Tim Tebow is chaste virgin type who is saving himself for marriage. And it seemed like everything was good; one of Olivia’s friends claim that Tim was really into her and was sending her “love letters and cute notes“. But she decided to end it because no matter how many love letters he was throwing at her, she just couldn’t deal with the cobwebs collecting on her crotch.
Okay, I’m totally on Team Olivia here, because I too would have a hard time dealing with an endless string of Netflix and Chill nights that involved actually watching Netflix. But I have questions. Unless Olivia doesn’t own a computer that has access to Tim Tebow’s Wikipedia page, she should have known going into it that Tim Tebow is a hardcore Christian who is saving his fuck parts for his future wife. Or maybe she did know that, but she was so desperate for Tebowners that she paid a wizard to bless her with a magic coochie that could hypnotize Tim’s wiener and change his mind about premarital sex. If it’s the second option, then I suggest she might want to find that wizard and get her money back, because it clearly didn’t work.
People has stamped “100% TRUE” on the rumor that Kate Beckinsale and director Len Wiseman’s 11-year marriage is gasping for breath while lying in the gutter. A source tells People that Kate and Len went their separate ways months ago and we shouldn’t expect things to get messy. They aren’t going to smear each other’s pristine reputations by leaking stories to TMZ, because Kate’s not about the drama. I was going to joke that it’s apparent Kate’s not about the drama, because I’ve seen her acting in Brokedown Palace, but I actually liked her in that movie. Although, it’s pretty much her fault that Angela Chase is in a Thai women’s prison FOREVER!
The rumor started when 42-year-old Len was seen hanging out with a 24-year-old chick several times. A source says that Len and his 24-year-old piece have a “genuine connection based on friendship” and you may think that means that they have long conversations about the meaning of life and art, but I think that’s just magazine source talk for “he likes fucking her for now.”
The source also gave the generic answer of “SCHEDULING CONFLICTS!” for why Kate and Len pressed the stop button on their marriage.
“They are still friendly and spend time together in L.A. when Kate is there. There has been no drama. It’s just not Kate’s style. They have both had complicated schedules and have grown apart. Kate is not dating and only focused on her daughter and work.”
So, this means that they’ll probably get a divorce, which means that in the future I won’t see the names “Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale” in the same sentence together as often. That’s a good thing, because every time I see the name “Len Wiseman,” I read it as “Len Goodman” and thinking about the old dude from Dancing with the Stars humping on Kate Beckinsale’s naked body truly gave me the weirdest of weird boners.
(Note: You may be thinking that Kylie Jenner’s leg scar is from where Pimp Mama Kris removed her soul and shoved in a giant plastic ass during her koming-of-age ritual, and you’re probably right, but she says it’s from a childhood accident.)
It’s a sad week for ick nast creeps. Jared Fogle found out he’s going to prison for at least 13 years and now Tyga has been dumped by the only reason why most of us know that he exists. Tyga is probably going to have to change the lyrics in that barf-inducing song of his from “she a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated” to “she a big girl, dawg, when she dumps my ass,” because E! says that Wite Chyna and the human turtle queef have broken up after being a thing for a year.
Tyga threw himself a 26th birthday party at some club last night and his Kim K klone piece wasn’t there and it wasn’t because her underage ass couldn’t get in. Pimp Mama Kris, I mean, a source, tells E! that they’re on a break. Don’t worry, parents, you don’t have to hide your teen daughters just yet, because Tyga is not on the prowl for a new girlfriend right now.
“They are on a break. They were just a week or so ago talking about ‘ever after’ and things got messy this past week. Kylie wants time to just be by her self and do her. Tyga is not giving up as that’s his one and only lady.”
But another source (PMK’s cell phone was really busy today) tells TMZ that Kylie dumped Tyga because of something he did and “pressure” from her family. Hmm… I wonder what that something is? Here are a few guesses:
1. Tyga told Kylie Jenner she looked prettier without 46 pounds of paint slapped onto her face.
2. The something he didn’t do is make more money and he got outbid by a richer dude PMK found.
3. This is all just another PMK-produced stunt and is setting the stage for Tyga leaking a sex tape as an act of revenge.
Whatever the case may be, I just want to know (no, I don’t) who is getting kustody of their $40,000 dog?! We already know she’s getting custody of the lease payments on the Ferrari her gave her for her birthday.
Pics: Getty, Splash
My headline should’ve been: WARNING – Cover Your Keyboard With Saran Wrap Before Reading This Sadness. Because that headline probably made you cry gallons of sad tears onto your keyboard and now it’s about as dead as the meaning of everlasting love.
26-year-old Joe Jonas and 20-year-old model type Gigi Hadid have apparently broken up after a few months of being a thing. My condolences goes out to Joe Jonas’ manager for not being able to get Gigi Hadid to sign an extension in their short-term relationship contract. A source tells People that Joe and Gigi just couldn’t make it work, because she was too busy modeling and posting pictures on Instagram and he was too busy keeping keeping his gorgeous caterpillar brows fat and shiny by feeding them lettuce.
“Joe and Gigi’s relationship recently ended. Nothing serious happened … it wasn’t a dramatic break up. It was just hard to make it work with their schedules. They will definitely remain friends.”
Joe and Gigi started dating in the summer, but he wanted to date her much, much earlier. Joe was a teenage PedoBear (a PedoTeddy?), because he first asked Gigi “out” when she was 13 and he was 19.
We’re the ones who really got cheated here. I mean, Joe and Gigi were together for five whole months and we never got a fake rumor about how they made a sex tape where she takes a strap-on to his furry ass after paddling his nalgas. What a disappointment. We were counting on you, Joe!
But you know, we shouldn’t be so hard on him. He’s obviously drowning in an ocean of sads after breaking up with Gigi. On Halloween, Joe and his new band did a cover of Adele’s “Hello” and he warbled it out while dressed up as a terrifying clown. This whole cover of “Hello” makes me want to say “Goodbye.” Click play on the video below if you feel like letting your ears know that you hate them today. Those high notes. I bet that’s what he sounded like as he got spanked in the sex tape that never was.
And here’s Gigi and her brother going to Kendull Jenner’s birthday party the other night.