In the grand tradition of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, People says that the most recent Bachelor Chris Soules and rose collector Whitney Bischoff are over after six months of being engaged. I know, I really should have given you more time to prepare yourself for such BEYOND SHOCKING news. Feel free to send me the bill for whatever injuries you sustained when you passed out from the sheer shock of it all.
Prince Farming (yes that was a thing) and Whitney released a statement earlier today saying exactly what you think they’d say about their split – that they’ve “mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement” and that they “will continue to be supportive friends.” Uh huh. Sure. Skip ahead to six months from now when both of them are pulling an “I don’t know them” before awkwardly trying to change the subject.
Because I don’t love myself, I watched almost all of Chris and Whitney’s season of The Bachelor and I’m not surprised things didn’t work out between those two. He always had the same ‘bored narcoleptic badger’ look on his face whenever Whitney would talk at him. It was as if he was mentally counting down the seconds till he could hop in the hot tub and get his blurred-out boner on. Although to be fair, he had that look with everyone.
This marks the 19th time a couple from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette have called it quits. Would it be too bold of me to suggest that ABC might want to consider changing the name of the show to The 4-to-6 Week Engagement Ring Rental? It would make more sense.
The show that gave us the rebirth of the Vicodin-infused jewel that is Paula Abdul and created an all-evil, Kartrashian-making Satanic monster out of a leprechaun with Sun-In highlights will end after 13 years and 15 seasons. The 22-year-old in me who used to watch that mess religiously and even voted several times (You can judge me since I judge myself for that!) is bawling like Paula Abdul when her pharmacist at CVS would say the words: No more refills!
FOX announced this morning that American Idol has been renewed for one last time. Its 15th season will be its last. JLo, Harry Connick Jr., Keith Urban and Ryan Seacrest will all be back. American Idol started writing its own death certificate a few years ago when Simon Cowell and his furry tit pies left it to do the American version of the X-Factor. American Idol’s current ratings aren’t even close to what they were during its glory days. FOX burped this statement today:
“American Idol will begin its 15th — and final — season this January on FOX. A season-long celebratory event, American Idol XV will feature host Ryan Seacrest and judges Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr., as they search for the final Idol superstar and pay tribute to the past 14 seasons of amazingly talented contestants and the millions of fans who tweeted, texted and championed their Idols.”
Why even bother searching for one last Idol? Just like all the other winners of the past few years, the final Idol will be lucky if they’re able to book a gig at the opening of a strip mall in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. For its final season, American Idol should bring back some of its best losers (Sanjaya, Tatiana Del Toro, the thorn in my ass lip Kristy Lee Cook, William Hung, Carmen Rasmusen, Kevin Covais, Jim Verraros, etc…) and let them battle it out. Or better yet, American Idol’s final season should be devoted to finding out whatever happened to Brian Dunkleman:
(SPOILER ALERT: Brian Dunkleman exists and he’s spreading the truth on Twitter.)
And the final episode better feature a performance from American Idol’s greatest discovery: RHONETTA!
American Idol’s death would be in vain if Rhonetta and Paula Abdul don’t sing “Straight Up” together during the last show.
Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook today that after almost three years with Tiger Woods, they have tossed their love away the same way one of his pieces tossed her tampon out of an SUV window before he fucked her. Whatever is left of Lindsey and Tiger’s love is now lying next to that used tampon in a Perkins parking lot in Florida.
Lindsey and Tiger caused a mass rolling of eyeballs two years ago when they both announced on Facebook that they were humping on each-other full time. So I guess it’s only fitting that she “announces” their break-up on Facebook too. She either owns stock in Facebook or she’s THAT friend who posts about her break-up on Facebook because she wants people to say shit to her like, “Oh, you’re SO much better than him, honey!” (If that’s what Lindsey wanted, it didn’t work, because one of the first comments under her Facebook post is: “WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT GIRL.”) Here’s what Lindsey dribbled out on FB:
“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together. Unfortunately, we both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart. I will always admire and respect Tiger. He and his beautiful family will always hold a special place in my heart.”
Translation: “It’s very hard to keep a relationship going when you’re always in different places and in his case, by ‘different places’ I mean his side piece’s snatch.”
Tiger shat up his own break-up statement to the world on his site and I don’t know if I should take the first line as shade or not:
“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration, respect and love for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together. She has been amazing with Sam and Charlie and my entire family. Unfortunately, we lead very hectic lives and are both competing in demanding sports. It’s difficult to spend time together.”
This whole break-up feels weird. I mean, I don’t remember reading a tell-all in The National Enquirer from a Waffle House waitress who claims that Tiger bareback boned her on the bed he shares with Lindsey and I don’t remember seeing a TMZ story about how Lindsey read a text he wrote to one of his side pieces and chased him out of the house while waving one of her skis at him. If Tiger breaks up with a woman and there’s no drama behind it, did they really break up? But really, it’s shocking that a big ass cheater with a wandering dick and a chick who hates the sport he plays professionally couldn’t make it work.
I like to think this is what it looks like when Nicole Richie discovers a new tattoo on Joel Madden that she hasn’t seen before. “Oh good lord…is that a death metal Hello Kitty smoking a crack pipe while riding a flying turkey sandwich behind your ear? You know what? I don’t need to hear the story behind that one.”
According to In Touch, the more tolerable half of The Simple Life won’t be staring at the random stickerbook-looking tattoos of Hot Topic’s Peter Pan much longer. A “source” says that Nicole is thinking about ending her 4 year marriage to Joel Madden and has recently met with a divorce attorney. The source goes on to say that they’re starting to spend more and more time apart because they can’t stop fighting about work and how to raise their two kids, 7-year-old Harlow and 5-year-old Sparrow.
“It’s better for everyone right now if they just stay apart because it’s really not working anymore. It’s very obvious to friends that a divorce announcement will probably be happening soon.”
I’m not sure where Joel is staying during all of this, but it’s probably not at his twin brother Benji’s house. Star says things aren’t so great between Benji and his wife of 8 months Cameron Diaz either, which means shit is probably awkward as hell for house guests.
Since Nicole Richie is a low-level member of Gwyneth Paltrow’s Goopy Rich Girl Gang, I’m kind of shocked she went to a divorce attorney instead of a conscious uncoupling mediator. “I suppose you also stopped using the diamond-filtered alkalinity water press I gave you” thought Gwyneth, as she wrote Nicole’s name just underneath Madonna’s on her loyalty ranking list.
Here’s Nicole looking like one of The Pink Panther’s used Q-tips a FIT fashion show in NYC yesterday:
Pics: Wenn.com, Splash
Just days after it was revealed that 25-year-old rapper Tyga might have gotten a permanent reminder of his 17-year-old girlfriend Kylie Jenner tattooed on his body, Hollywood Life is saying that she has gone and temporarily dumped his ass. For those of you with super-sensitive hearing who are experiencing a sudden ringing in your ears, don’t worry – I’m sure Blac Chyna will stop cackling at the top of her lungs very shortly.
A “family source” (who I’m sure Hollywood Life had difficulty hearing over the sound of Pimp Mama Kris giddily screaming, “FINALLY! AFTER DAYS OF NOTHING BUT BRUCE, BRUCE, BRUCE, WE’RE FINALLY GETTING SOME ATTENTION! THANKS, KYLIE!“) says that Kylie decided they should take a break, and it has everything to do with that screen shot Blac Chyna posted on Instagram last week that shows Tyga allegedly begging her to get back together with him.
After Blac Chyna posted the picture of the texts, Kylie demanded to see Tyga’s phone. Tyga refused to hand it over, and that’s when Marla Hoochie told him that they should cool it for a bit.
I’m sure you’re wondering who you should be the most sad for in this situation (“Um, NO” just yelled all of you at your monitors). My suggestion is that giant crate of Wack-O-Wax lips gathering dust in Blac Chyna’s storage room. Now that Kylie has shuffled away from her man, Blac Chyna’s days of dragging Kylie online might be over too. Those poor lips; they had such a bright future.
Here’s Kylie washing that man right out of her
hair polyester clip-ins yesterday in Beverly Hills with the help of her two best girlfriends, Kendall Jenner and one of Stephen Baldwin’s offspring:
TMZ says that earlier today, Pamela Anderson became Rick Salomon’s ex-wife for a second time. In a perfect world, I’d be reporting that Pamela was awarded $18 billion just for being a gorgeous living legend, but that didn’t happen. TMZ says Pamela walked away with $1 million. Rick on the other hand, left court knowing he wouldn’t have to pay back taxes on his $40 million Vegas poker winnings. Pammy was reportedly challenging his Nevada residency, but now she’s not.
Pam and Rick got married for a second time back in January 2014, and it didn’t take long for things to get messy. Pam first filed walking papers 6 months into their marriage, but she had a change of heart and they stuck it out for another 7 months. That’s when Rick and Pam really got into it: Rick accused Pam of “defrauding” him into a second marriage and kidnapping his daughter’s dog Bumblebee. Pam publicly hissed that he was bad at fucking and took out a restraining order. Shockingly, they were both self-aware enough to realize they were behaving like dramatic fools and released this joint statement:
“Public divorces can be harsh and cruel – we apologize to our families and friends for any hurt and embarrassment we have caused-we have come to an amicable agreement and are moving on. There are private and personal family sensitivities to consider and we retract any hurtful comments made in haste and distaste. We wish each other and our families well.”
Even though I knew this day was coming, I still couldn’t prepare myself for how sad it would be. When an ageless Canadian-American croissant and a trucker hat-wearing poker bro can’t make it work a second time, what hope do the rest of us have? Excuse me, I think I need a tissue.
After several weeks of nervously clutching their brass prayer beads, your 15-year old Teen Vogue-reading cousins can finally let out that long wail of sadness and pour out a bottle of Marc Jacobs Daisy perfume onto a pair of their favorite high-waisted black skinny jeans, because UsWeekly says their pseudo-hipster Prince and Princess, Emma Stone and Andrew Garfield, are OVER. It was originally reported that Blythe’s ginger cousin and Baby Bob Ross were on a break (yes I just re-read that in Ross’s voice), but now a “source” is saying they’ve officially called it quits on each other:
“[She’s] ended things and moved back to L.A. It’s finished. It’s not just a break.”
Another “source” (damn those gossipy blabbermouths at Madewell) claims that Andrew’s commitment to method acting as a 17th-century Jesuit for Martin Scorsese’s upcoming film Silence was one of the reasons she packed up her ankle boots and left:
“He’d been in a dark place for months, getting into his role. He wasn’t being the best partner.”
My only knowledge of Jesuits comes from what I learned during a high school class trip to a place called Sainte-Marie among the Hurons, and all I really remember is a blacksmith named Steve who was a dead ringer for Dean from FUBAR, so I don’t know if pretending to be a Jesuit is a deal-breaker or not. But I’ll assume so, since method acting anything from the 17th-century probably means smelling like hot swamp ass. They didn’t have ‘poo back in the 17th-century, right? No wonder he’s been in a dark place! I would be too if I kept catching whiffs of toxic stank mouth and realized it was coming from my beard.
But maybe don’t pour the whole thing out, since you’ll want at least a little bit to help you cope with the fact that America’s constantly-high Hillbilly Rodent Princess Miley Cyrus and the dude who was made when Kindergarten Cop busted a bareback nut into a Kennedy cousin (aka Patrick Schwarzenegger) are done with each other. If two rich party rats can’t make a PR relationship work, what hope is there for the rest of us?!?
According to People, a “source” (Hollerin’ Hank from his new website, www.I’sDoneToldYuz.net, which is really just Hank nailing pieces of gossip to the side of the ol’ shouting tree) says Miley and Patrick are officially killing their relationship after 5 months, adding that “It’s not a break. It’s done.” Apparently they called it quits because Patrick’s side-piece was tired of picking weed-scented pork rind crumbs out of his pubes. NO! The source says it’s because he’s still in college and she’s got her music career and they’re in “two different places.”
Neither Miley’s or Patrick’s rep has said anything about their break up, and Miley has yet to tweet something about how she ‘ain’t makin’ slimeys no more‘ or whatever trashy possum term Miley’s family has for fucking.
Then again, yesterday was 420, which means she had better things to do than tweet about her break up. Actually, now that I think about it – I bet she’s already forgotten that it happened. (ring ring) “Hey Patrick Sandwichwhatever, it’s me Miley! Y’all wanna come over and make slimeys? What do ya mean we ain’t not no more courtin? Dang, you done achy breaked mah heart! You still wanna come over tho? I got a new bottle of jerky lube that I’m itchin’ to try.“
Big Sean And Ariana Grande Latte Broke Up After Only 8 Months And They’d Like You To Respect Their Privacy
Expect Naya Rivera to tweet something like, “I normally don’t, but HAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAAHA!”
Grade schools everywhere are calling in extra guidance counselors today to comfort the children who are traumatized by the breakup of playground queen Ariana Grande Latte and her boyfriend of 8 long months Big Sean. Elementary school cafeterias will be serving pot brownies for the next couple of days and not just because it’s 4/20, but because they need to calm down all of the hysterical, bawling chirrun who have lost faith in true love. Reps for the
Monster High Monster Grade School dropout and Big Sean pulled out a melodramatic generic statement from the file marked “break ups” and gave it to UsWeekly:
“They both deeply care for each other and remain close friends. We kindly ask that the media respect their wish for privacy regarding this personal matter at this time.”
I don’t know what’s more ridiculous: Queefing up a serious statement over a relationship that lasted about as long an extended fart or saying that they want privacy during this difficult time. I’ve had meals at Outback that have lasted longer than their relationship and now that I think about it, I got the super sads when that meal ended and I should’ve released a serious statement about it. But I shouldn’t laugh at the dramatic toddler and her grown boyfriend. You know how kids are. They celebrate their one week anniversary of going around, so 8 months is a lifetime to them. I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is crying out real toddler tears, because the MASH game said she was going to marry Big Sean, live in a mansion with him, have 45 kids, drive a crystal carriage and get a job as a fairy princess. The MASH game lied to her!
An “inside source” tells UsWeekly that Big Sean’s baseball bat dick stopped paying a visit to Ariana Grande’s billion dollar pussy a few weeks ago, because they decided that they should end things now since their touring schedules are going to keep them apart for the next year. Or maybe they broke up because their contract expired. Or maybe her daddy made her break up with him for saying he gives her the big D on Instagram. Whatever the case may be, I’m sure Ariana Grande Latte is going to rebound with Justin Bieber. The Biebs better spend more time on the Playskool weight bench, because Ariana likes to be carried around and her 2 ton ponytail weighs more than he does.
Well, so much for that old saying: The couple who Instagrams fake moustache selfies together stays together (that’s a saying, right?). TMZ says that after ten months of being married, Zachary Levi (aka Chuck from Chuck, Flynn from Tangled, John Krasinski’s off-brand drug store equivalent) and Missy Peregrym (aka Andy from Rookie Blue, or bobo Amy Jo Johnson as she’s known in my brain) are yanking off their wedding rings, slipping them into a pre-paid Cash4Gold envelope, and throwing them in the nearest mailbox, because they are DONE with each other.
Amy Jo Johnson Missy got secret married in Hawaii last June, but it sounds like their marriage was dead long before they officially called it quits. TMZ says Missy filed divorce papers last week and listed their date of separation as December 3, 2014, which means technically their marriage bit the dust after only six months. Of course, they pretty much cursed the whole thing back in June when they announced their future mistake by throwing this pic up on Instagram:
In order of Hollywood relationship curses, it goes: tattoo, name change, matching personalized clothes, recording a duet, appearing on a VH1 reality show. So really, they should have known better with those MR & MRS hoodies. I bet if they check in the pocket, there’s a business card for a divorce lawyer inside.
Really though, ten months isn’t that bad for two famous types (Clippy just popped up on my screen with a speech bubble that said “Did you mean to write famous adjacent?” Thanks, Clippy). I think ten months might actually qualify them for a Hollywood Marriage Merit Badge.