And In “Everybody Is Quitting Marriage” News, Patrick Dempsey’s Wife Jillian Fink Just Filed For Diviorce
First Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams, now McDreamy and McWifey? What’s next? Kim Kardashian announcing that she’s quitting her marriage to Kurrent Husband Kanye? Actually, statistically speaking, the odds on that one happening are pretty good – I really should have gone with a less obvious couple.
According to TMZ, sexy salt and pepper PDILF (pretend doctor I’d like to fuck) Patrick Dempsey and makeup artist Jillian Finke are calling it quits after 15 years of marriage. 15 years! That’s nearly 96 in Hollywood Marriage Years. TMZ says Jillian was the one who filed for divorce, is seeking joint custody of their 3 kids, child support, and spousal support, and cited the classic Hollywood reason for quitting a bitch: irreconcilable differences. And it sounds like shit might start to get messy, because they don’t have a prenup and McDreamy is apparently McLoaded. According to TMZ, Patrick Dempsey is worth around $40 million. Oooh, get it girl – you can buy an awful lot of makeup brushes with $20 million.
Of course, they also released a statement:
“It is with careful consideration and mutual respect that we have decided to end our marriage. Our primary concern remains the well-being of our children, and we ask with profound gratitude that you respect our family’s privacy at this very sensitive time.”
Again, no “It is with a heavy heart“? What is with you people? Then again, maybe they’re saving the drama for divorce court. A source claims that “it remains to be seen whether it will be amicable“, because apparently Jillian is all about the kids, while Patrick is all about his huge ego. Wait, does this mean we can expect to see Patrick’s lawyer call Patrick’s boss Shonda Rhimes as a character witness during their messy divorce proceedings? “Your honor, my client can’t be a raging egomaniac – his boss has a very strict No Assholes policy.“
If you ever spent a Friday night trying to learn the dance moves to “Candy” and searching classified ads for a lime green VW beetle to do them in front of (either in your youth or like, last night – I’m not here to judge your choices), then this news is going to hit you hard. UsWeekly says that after 6 years of marriage, come-to-life Disney princess Mandy Moore and not-Bryan Adams singer Ryan Adams are calling it quits. I know, cue the “I Wanna Be With You” and weep into a hipster scarf. Couples who dye their hair the same shade of Auburn Mist together are supposed to last forever, goddamnit!
Mandy’s rep (who I’m pretending is named Candy, because why the hell not) confirmed the news to UsWeekly via this very PR-sounding statement:
“Mandy Moore and Ryan Adams have mutually decided to end their marriage of almost 6 years. It is a respectful, amicable parting of ways and both Mandy and Ryan are asking for media to respect their privacy at this time.”
Wait, no “It is with a heavy heart?“, aka the “Over the moon” of divorce statements? Come on Candy, you can do better than that! Give it a lil’ pizzazz. Maybe something like “It was truly a Walk To Remember, but after 6 years of marriage, these two are getting a divorce.” Sorry, I would have thrown in a joke about a Ryan Adams song, but I honestly can’t think of one. It’s not his fault – my brain is filled to capacity with remixes of “Check The O.R.“.
And I blame this on Mandy’s appearance in the Hallmark Hall of Fame movie Christmas in Conway. Hallmark movies are always breaking up marriages! Wait, that’s Lifetime movies, you say? Eh, it’s all the same.
Cue the sound of Brandi Glanville joyfully cackling at the top of her lungs. “You may be younger and prettier, bitch, but at least I’m still on television!” According to People, the reason Brandi is breaking all the fillers in her face in an attempt to smile is because VH1 has cancelled LeAnn Rimes and Eddie Cibrian’s reality show, LeAnn & Eddie after one season and eight episodes. Oh no! Now how will LeAnn convince us Eddie is still totally in love with her and definitely not eye-fucking the exit?
People says VH1 had no comment on the cancellation, but I bet it had something to do with LeAnn & Eddie being boring as hell. I only watched one episode, and I went in to it assuming it was going to be filled with squint-eyed dragon drama and smug-faced douche theatrics, and it was not. LeAnn & Eddie was supposed to be eight episodes of LeAnn accusing Eddie of cheating on her with some random chick he met at an audition for a Verizon commercial and Eddie accusing LeAnn of being a drunk mess in front of his kids. Instead we got coma-inducing scenes of LeAnn rearranging the furniture in her living room. Even her dogs seemed to be looking at the camera like “Wait, you’re filming this? Why?”
Besides, there’s only enough room on television for one scripted reality show about a skinny blonde attention whore with Tupperware titties and her unemployed beady-eyed bangaholic husband, and that’s True Tori.
Here’s LeAnn strolling through LAX yesterday wearing a pair of fancy-looking pajama bottoms aka what I’d consider my “good” grocery shopping pants:
I guess Crispy just had to Shayk it off. Yeah, yeah, you don’t have to grab the gong. I’ll see myself out.
After five years together, the football-playing overcooked piece of bacon known as Cristiano Ronaldo and Russian bikini model Irina Shayk are no longer getting his and hers crotch waxes together and are no longer spending their Friday nights plucking out each other’s stray brow hairs. Every pair of tweezers in the world is shedding a tear, because the phrase, “A couple that plucks together, stays together,” is no longer true.
There’s been rumors that Crispy’s family hates Irina as much as he hates hair on his body. Apparently, Crispy’s mom Dolores can’t stand Irina and recently Irina learned that you don’t fuck with the mother of a Portuguese mama’s boy, because she will always win out. The Daily Mail says that Crispy dumped Irina for not going to his mom’s birthday party. Some source spit this out:
“Cristiano wanted to surprise his mum and as he spent Christmas with Irina in Dubai, he had planned to be with his mum on her birthday, but Irina didn’t want to go. They had such a big row that he ended up spending New Years Eve alone with his son. Irina mouthed off about Dolores and Ronaldo took sides with him mum. It was the straw that broke the camel’s back because they had hadn’t been getting on well in the last few months.”
But Irina’s rep tells Page Six it’s not true. Sure, if you’re in Portugal, you can hear Dolores screaming with happiness, but Irina’s rep says she was never at war with his family.
“We can confirm Irina Shayk has ended her relationship to Cristiano Ronaldo. She has been close with his family throughout the course of their relationship. Any negative rumors with regards to Irina and the Ronaldo family are completely false, and have not been a factor in the cause of the spilt. Irina has no further comment at the time.”
I don’t know if Portuguese mothers are anything like Salvadoran mothers, but if they are, Irina didn’t stand a chance. If my abuelita didn’t like any of the pieces her children were married to or dating, she let it be known and nothing could change her mind. They could start shitting out caramel squares (her favorite) and produce a birth certificate that said they were the true child of God and she’d still hate their asses. But whatever, Crispy is now free to be with and marry his true love: the statue of him in his hometown. I’m sure he’s already wiping his fake tan tears on its bulge.
Pic: Vogue Spain
TMZ says that four months after he admitted that the sparkle had started to dull on his once-shimmering marriage to living rhinestone Mariah Carey, Nick Cannon quietly filed walking papers on December 12th. Aaaand now we know what Nick got Mariah for Christmas: a divorce. TMZ says Nick filing on December 12th makes sense, because it was pretty much 10 days after Mimi held up the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree lighting ceremony with her messy divorce business. I’m guessing Nick filed first because Mimi was taking too long trying to find a Hello Kitty Bye Bye Marriage kit on Amazon.
And I’m shocked that it’s been a whole month since Nick filed for divorce and neither of them have started dragging each other in public. Now, I’ve never been a famous person who has filed for divorce from another famous person, but it’s my understanding that the second you slip those papers under the door of the I Quit This Bitch office at city hall, you are legally obligated to turn into a dramatic mess. Where are the vague passive-aggressive Tweets? The Facebook statuses that begin with “You think you know someone” and end with “…but I’m not here to start drama, so I refuse to get into it.” It’s not really a Hollywood divorce until someone calls a bitch out over Instagram.
Or maybe Mimi doesn’t have time to worry about what her ex is doing because she’s too busy counting all those sweet lazy lip synching dollars she’s getting for her residency in Las Vegas. According to TMZ, Mimi is getting paid some serious money. “Wait! Is it too late to take it back?” asked a desperate Nick Cannon.
What is going on? Couples we thought would last until the end of time and beyond are breaking up. In the morgue somewhere is a pound of dead flesh and its death tag reads: “Name of Deceased: The Meaning of Everlasting Love.” First Giada and her husband split up and now Jeremy Renner and his wife of 3 seconds. What solid couple is going to break up next? Kim and Kanye?!
Jeremy Renner is Crisco’ing up his face and putting razors in his hair, because he might have to get into a legal tussle with the mother of his 1-year-old daughter Ava Berlin and his wife of 10 months. TMZ says that Jeremy’s wedded piece, model/actress type Sonni Pacheco, filed divorce papers in L.A. earlier this month and blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why their marriage is dead, cremated and lying in a wooden box. Jeremy should’ve asked his homegirl Tom Cruise for advice on how to quickly and quietly end a marriage before any messiness leaks out, because Sonni is coming hard.
Sonni signed a prenup before she and Jeremy got secret married earlier this year, but she thinks their prenup should be put in the shredder. Sonni says the prenup is based on “fraud.” (How very Squinty Zellweger of her.) In the divorce papers, Sonni states that she wants spousal support, physical custody of their daughter and she wants a Range Rover and wants Jeremy to pay for her moving expenses and rent on her new place. She also wants her passport, social security card and birth certificate back. She claims that Jeremy “stole” them and hasn’t given them back.
Fraud and passport-stealing? Their divorce drama sounds more riveting and dramatic than the last Mission Impossible movie.
Jeremy’s rep had nothing to say about this.
TMZ says that Sonni doesn’t specify what she means by “fraud.” I think I know what she’s doing. By throwing in the dramatic word “FRAUD,” Sonni could be playing the unsuspecting beard role, and claiming “fraud” is her way of conjuring up those gay rumors again. Or Jeremy Renner really is Grumpy Cat in a human suit and he didn’t tell Sonni that before they got married.
If you regularly read and believe the blind items, then I’m sure you’re still on the floor and numb with potent shock after reading this surprising and stunning news. Nobody saw it coming. “Not even she saw it coming, but she did feel it coming….” - John Mayer and Drake, etc…
Giada De Laurentiis announced on Facebook last night that she and her husband of 11 years, Todd Thompson, have been separated for months and I guess that time apart convinced them that they shouldn’t be married to each other’s asses anymore. It happens. Sometimes when you get a taste of that single life, you don’t want to stop tasting it. The supposed Blow Job Queen of the Blind Items spit this out about the end of her marriage:
After an amicable separation since July, Todd and I have decided to end our marriage. Although our decision to separate comes with a great deal of sadness, our focus on the future and overwhelming desire for our family’s happiness has given us the strength to move forward on separate, yet always connected paths. Todd and I share a beautiful daughter and a lifetime of great memories that we both treasure more than anything. We are so thankful for our friends and family, and really appreciate the support in this time of change.
Neither Giada or Todd have filed for divorce yet. But I’m sure if he files, he’ll write, “Because if I have to listen to her pronounce prosciutto as ‘PRO-SHOO-TOE’ one more fucking time,” next to “reason for divorce.”
I skimmed through the comments under Giada’s break-up announcement on FB and of course some people told her to stick it out and work through it, because marriage is sacred and they should stay married for the sake of their 6-year-old daughter Jade. Blah blah blah. Whatever. Giada and Todd were married for 11 years and that’s at least 24 lifetimes in celebrity years. Also, it’s been rumored that Giada boned John Mayer (she denied it), so it probably killed the romance when Todd wrapped his face with antibiotics-covered Saran Wrap every time she asked for a kiss.
This truly is the season for quitting your long-term piece. After 18 years of marriage – the Hollywood conversion of which is roughly 1.8 to 2.1 million years – UsWeekly says that Chris Rock and his wife Malaak Compton-Rock are getting divorced. A rep for Chris Rock (Pootie Tang?) released a statement to UsWeekly regarding their split, saying:
“Chris Rock has filed for divorce from his wife, Malaak. This is a personal matter and Chris requests privacy as he and Malaak work through this process and focus on their family.”
Wait, that’s it? Nothing about “it is with a heavy heart” or “due to irreconcilable differences”? Sounds like someone needs to take a couple Public Relations-101 night school classes. I mean, I don’t think we can even technically classify that as a celebrity split statement unless it ends with the words “they remain the best of friends”. Malaak also released her own statement to People, and it was a little more fancy:
“After much contemplation and 19 years of marriage, Chris and I have decided to go our separate ways. Being fortunate enough to lead a life of service by working with those most vulnerable makes me well aware of life’s blessings, even when faced with difficulties. While recognizing that this is a significant change, my children remain at the center of my life and their well-being is my top priority. It is in this spirit that I sincerely ask that their privacy and the privacy of our family be respected during this transition in our lives.”
I hope that when People corrected Malaak and told her it was actually 18 years of marriage, she replied “Well, it felt like 19 years.”
Chris and Malaak married way back in 1996 and have two daughters together, 12-year-old Lola and 10-year-old Zahra. Wow, it really puts time into perspective when you switch out “18 years” for “together since 1996″. 1996? They’ve been together since Spice Girls’ Spice? Holy crap, that’s a long-ass time. I hope Malaak brings that up in divorce court when she’s trying to get half of that sweet Madagascar money. “Your honor, please note that Spice came out a long-ass time ago.“
In “THIS WAS NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN, TRUE LOVE IS MUERTO!” news, Tim Burton and his muse/partner/mother of his 2 kids Helena Bonham Carter have chopped up their 13 year relationship, put it through the meat grinder and baked it in pie dough to be sold to an unsuspecting Londoner. This a nightmare before Christmas for anyone who thought they would last forever. Prayer circle around Goldie and Kurt!
I thought that Lindsay Lohan would get a clue before HBC and Tim Burton broke up. In other words, I didn’t think they’d ever break up. They live in separate houses, don’t see each other’s faces every day and let each other do their own thing (and possibly other people). That sounds like an almost perfect marriage! But they decided that they’re over it and told her rep to pull out a canned break-up statement, scribble their names in the blanks and release it to People:
The couple “separated amicably earlier this year and have continued to be friends and co-parent their children,” Carter’s rep tells PEOPLE exclusively. “We would ask that you respect their privacy and that of their children during this time.”
The pair – who never married – first met when Burton, 56, directed Carter, 48, in 2001′s Planet of the Apes.
If you’re wondering why they’re announcing it now if they broke up months ago, the answer is: He has a movie coming out in 2 days and the hustle never stops.
Who will play the “quirky” and “weird” lady in all of his movies now?! I bet every hard-up actress is going to move within a 10 mile radius of Tim Burton so she can show up on his Tinder, which might lead to a date, which might lead to a relationship, which might lead to him casting her in every single one of his movies.
Or Tim Burton will finally stop fighting the feeling and marry his true soulmate Johnny Depp.
Kate Hudson and Matt Bellamy of Muse got engaged in 2011 after a year of being together and three months later, she gave birth to a boy they named Bingham Hawn Bellamy (That will always sound like the name of a really pretentious law firm Connecticut). After months of rumors claiming that they are done with looking at each other’s faces, Kate’s rep tells People that they canceled their engagement a long time ago and they’re no longer a thing, but they’re going to remain the BEST of friends for the sake of their child and blah blah blah burp blah fart blah:
“Kate and Matt have been separated for some time now. Despite this, they remain very close friends and committed co-parents.”
Kate was married to Chris Robinson for 7 years. Their son Ryder Robinson is 10.
Before Kate “settled down” with Matt and started raising Bingham with him, she put serious miles on her coochie’s odometer by jumping on trick after trick. She was one of my slut icons. So since Kate is not the one to give her vagine a break, UsWeekly says that she’s already getting on human Ken Doll Derek Hough. Kate and Derek have been friends for a while and a source tells UsWeekly that they “hooked up” this past weekend:
Sources tell Us that Hudson and Hough were together this past weekend at the Nice Guy Restaurant in L.A. One eyewitness tells Us that the stars ate dinner, drank, and stayed past closing.
Two things: I’ve eaten dinner, drank and stayed past closing at a restaurant (Side note: The employees at T.G.I. Friday’s don’t like it when you do that) with friends that were girls before and we didn’t scissor afterward. So I don’t know how Kate and Derek having dinner together proves that they’re hooking up. Also, if Kate is dating Derek Hough, then I take back what I said about her not being the type to give her vagine a break . Because “dating” Derek Hough is one way of telling the world that you’re giving your chocha some time off.