Category: Another One Bites The Dust

Anthony Bourdain And His MMA Fighter Wife Have Split Up

September 20, 2016 / Posted by:

Meanwhile, as the marriage of the CENTURY is ending…

After nine years of marriage, hot grumpy food person Anthony Bourdain and his MMA fighter wife Ottavia Busia are over. I guess you could say they officially have no reservations on each other’s parts. Oh lord, that was bad. I deserve every AnthonyBourdainStinkface.gif for that.

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St. Angie Jolie Filed For Divorce From Brad Pitt

September 20, 2016 / Posted by:

2016 is just keeping it coming. TMZ says that Angelina Jolie filed papers yesterday to legally quit Brad Pitt after being married for just 2 years and being together since 2004. She’s asking for sole physical custody of all 6 members of the child army and only wants Brad to have visitation rights. I’ll add more as it comes in, but for now, I need to brace my eardrums for the blood-curdling screeches of pained mourning from the Brangeloonies and from the stage 10 cackle that’s been brewing inside of Jennifer Aniston for years!

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Rick Schroder’s Marriage Of 24 Years Is Over

September 14, 2016 / Posted by:

This will be good news for anyone who ever had a Teen Beat poster of Ricky Schroder in their locker. Or, you know, anyone who ever had a picture of Newt Dobbs from Lonesome Dove that they ripped from a TV Guide. I’m sure those people exist. TMZ says that after 24 years of marriage, Ricky Schroder is getting divorced from his wife Andrea Schroder.

A 21-year-old Ricky met a 17-year-old (eeesh) Andrea while he was filming a movie in Canada in 1991. They got married a year later, and ended up having 4 kids. Ricky converted to Mormonism for her. Hearing the word “Mormon” immediately made me picture a smiling Ricky ringing Andrea’s doorbell and asking her if she likes her new house and if he could clean her gutters.

TMZ says that Andrea filed papers in Los Angeles only a few weeks before their 24th anniversary. She wants sole legal and physical custody of their youngest kid (the other three are of legal age) with visitation for Ricky. She’s also demanding spousal support.

TMZ doesn’t know exactly why they decided to split. But I think I have a theory. A few years ago, Andrea and Ricky were on an episode of Oprah: Where Are They Now, and she showed off a “dream board” – which was really more of a bag – that she made when she was 8. On the inside there was a picture of Ricky and she’d written that her dream was to marry/meet him and have kids with him.

And now they’re getting divorced and cashing spousal support payments. That paper bag totally came from a haunted grocery store, I know it. Quick, throw your dream bags into a fire! It could be cursed!


Cara Delevingne And St. Vincent Are Probably Over

September 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Prepare to send a bouquet of “I’m sorry for your loss” roses to your cool teen cousin, for they will truly be shook to the core of their Nasty Gal choker by this news. According to The Sun, Cara Delevingne and singer St. Vincent (real name: Annie Clark) have once again broken up.

The Sun says they pulled the plug on their relationship during Cara’s promotional tour for Suicide Squad last month. A source says that Cara and St. Vincent liked each other, but the long-distance thing wasn’t working for them. No word on if their breakup was amicable or messy, but I like to picture Cara pressed a handful of her eyebrow hairs into St. Vincent’s palm and whispered “Remember me?” before her taxi pulled away.

This would be breakup number…three? I think? It’s confusing. 24-year-old Cara and 33-year-old St. Vincent started dating early last year, then they broke up a couple months later. Then they got back together. Then they broke up in July of 2015. Then they got back together. And now they’re broken up again. Stay tuned for next week when there will be a 50% chance that I will be typing the words “Cara Delevingne and St. Vincent are doing each other again.

Neither Cara not St Vincent have confirmed this news themselves. But I’m sure that hasn’t stopped Kris Jenner from texting Cara and asking if she’d be willing to channel some of that recently single energy into some more gayelle-for-publicity action with Kendall Jenner. “Hi Cara! Tried to work the Harry Styles angle again, but it seems like people don’t care. Give me a call if you’d be willing to get some attention in the near future!


Well, At Least We’ll Always Have This Picture Of Tom Hiddleston Internally Screaming His Face Off

September 6, 2016 / Posted by:

The publicist of every famous and single white dude out there is pissed today. They were planning to ease into the work week after the long holiday, but now they can’t since they’ll have to spend all day sending head shots of their clients to Taylor Swift’s PR team, because she’ll need a new photo-op partner now that she and Tom Hiddleston are over! As the cherubs prepare to fly themselves into the sun since the meaning of “genuine love” is forever dead, we need to prepare our eye-rolling muscles since a new album is probably coming soon. I, for one, can’t wait for the track  titled “This Our Swan (Pastry) Song.”

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Jennifer Lopez And Casper Smart Have Broken Up Again

August 24, 2016 / Posted by:

If you own a pawn shop, take a good look at all that jewelry on Casper Smart’s body. You’ll want to have an appraisal estimate handy in case he swings by. It’s been a while since Casper the Kept Man has had to pay for anything on his own, and I’m sure he’ll want to liquidate some of his assets once he realizes how much the cost of living has risen.

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