That picture of Chris Evans and Jenny Slate is from months ago, but I’m using it to back up my theory that air travel probably killed their relationship. How could it not? The airport is a mouse trap designed by Satan to test how fast humans will crack under the pressure of spotty WiFi and $16 turkey sandwiches.
But the reason that’s being given for why Captain America and Mona Lisa Saperstein called it quits after almost a year of dating is the old celebrity standard excuse of being too busy. A source tells UsWeekly that their schedules kept making it impossible for them to do couple things. The source adds that it happened within the past two or three weeks. A different source tells E! News that the breakup wasn’t “dramatic.” Chris was most recently seen sans-Jenny at the Super Bowl on Sunday.
Jenny met Chris while working on the upcoming film Gifted together while she was still married to her husband of four years, Dean Fleischer-Camp. About a week before Jenny and Chris came out as a couple on Anna Faris’ podcast, it was announced that Jenny and Dean were getting a divorce. So there’s a chance someone, somewhere might be cackling with glee at this news.
Chris and Jenny officially went public with their relationship in June at the New York premiere of The Secret Life of Pets, and the same night she gushed to Entertainment Tonight that Chris is her “dream 7th grade boyfriend.” She might be regretting that now. Or maybe when she was in 7th grade, her dream was a year-long relationship with a hot nice bro that ended without drama. I’m sure every 7th grader who has ever gotten dumped after a week in the cafeteria on pizza day would agree with that.
Seen above in happier times (yes, that’s them being happy), Princess Charlene cosplayer Scarlett Johansson and her wedded piece of 2 years Romain Dauriac are done with being married to each other. I will light my Bea Arthur saint candle and say a prayer for the gag reflexes of ScarJo’s PR team, because they’re going to need to stay strong as they open up all the jizz-sealed letters from nerd boys who now think they have a chance with Black Widow.
Cuba Gooding Jr. and his wife Sara Gooding got married in 1994, and in 2014, she decided needed a break from him, so they split up. Three years of legal separation sounds like a dream situation for two people who don’t want to be married anymore. Getting to be single again with no messy divorce? That sounds great. Except that Cuba now wants the divorce part.
TMZ says that Cuba filed for divorce and is asking for joint legal and physical custody of their 10-year-old daughter. He’s willing to give Sara spousal support, but there’s a catch. He doesn’t want her to get a piece of the money he made after she filed for legal separation in 2014. That means Sara is welcome to some of his Snow Dogs cash, but she better stay away from his American Crime Story: The People v. O.J. Simpson money. Personally, I think Sara should at least be financially compensated for the 20 years worth of “Show me the money!” jokes she’s had to put up with.
Cuba has been acting single for a while now, so I’m guessing this divorce is happening because he was getting tired of having to answer “Wellllll….” every time a woman asks if he’s married. But now that everyone knows, he’s going to want to get used to the feeling of being swarmed by crowds of women everywhere he goes. I mean, what woman wouldn’t want to get with this?
Two weeks ago we found out that Nicki Minaj and Meek Mill’s relationship of two years was pretty much done. Meek Mill had allegedly started seeing a boutique owner in Philadelphia, and Nicki was Instagramming vague shit about deserving better and dodging bullets. Neither said whether they were actually split up, but why would they? You don’t get as much attention that way, and those two love getting attention. Two weeks later, and Nicki Minaj is finally ready to confirm what we already sort of knew had happened.
To confirm, yes I am single. Focusing on my work & looking forward to sharing it with you guys really soon. Have a blessed New Year. Love u🎀
— NICKI MINAJ (@NICKIMINAJ) January 5, 2017
Meek Mill hasn’t said anything in response to Nicki’s tweet, but that could be because he’s too busy packing up a U-Haul while Nicki’s assistants make sure his movers don’t track dirt on the carpet of their rental. That, or he’s on a social media hiatus while he pledges The Society of Nicki’s Bitter Exes.
But the real question here is…who got custody of the gaudy jewelry?!? Meek Mill has given Nicki at least two giant diamond engagement-style rings. I think the social custom is that Nicki gets to keep them, but it might be nice if she gave them back to Meek Mill. He might need something to sell for quick cash in the event people were right and he really was only successful because he was doing Nicki Minaj. I could totally see his mortal enemy Drake pulling a shady move by offering to buy one of them. After all, it’s only a matter of time before Drake’s publicist gives him the go-ahead to start working the pretend engagement ring angle.
Nicki Minaj might be officially done with Meek Mill. According to Bossip, Meek might have been cheating on her with a boutique owner from Philadelphia for about a year. Nicki probably discovered what was up one day when Meek Mill came back from a trip smelling of cheese steaks and cooch.
Neither Nicki nor Meek has said that they’re over. But their Instagram activity could be a clue. For example, Meek has been posting pictures of asses that don’t belong to Nicki. Meek Mill recently posted (then later deleted) a picture of his alleged lady’s body stocking-wrapped butt on Instagram. Nicki, meanwhile, has been posting motivational shit about people taking you for granted, and cryptic descriptions of shower shoes that probably aren’t actually about the shoes.
If that shady shoe message really was meant for Meek, then I can’t wait to see what kind of visial puns she pulls out to slap back at Azealia Banks. I bet she’s picking out the perfect half-dead azalea plant at Home Depot as we speak.
Bossip claims that Meek Mill didn’t only slip cheater dick into his Philly side piece. He also allegedly gave her money for her boutique. Uh oh. You should never get money involved. I watch daytime TV, I know how this ends. It ends with Meek Mill and Philly boutique lady arguing over whether the money was a gift or a loan while Judge Judy rolls her eyes to Byrd.
Shortly after Marc Anthony got semi-romantic with JLo on stage at the Latin Grammys last month, people couldn’t help but notice that his latest wife, Shannon De Lima, was strangely missing from the audience. The reason she wasn’t there was because Marc and Shannon had separated. They have now decided to change their situation from “taking a break” to “adding another name to Marc Anthony’s list of ex-wives.”
48-year-old Marc and 28-year-old Shannon released a statement today confirming that they’re divorcing:
“After much consideration, we have mutually and amicably decided to end our two year marriage. We ask for privacy during this difficult process, and no further comments will be made from either one of us about this personal matter.”
Skeletor didn’t have any kids with Shannon, so the only thing they’ll get to argue over in divorce court will be money and whatever she wants from Snake Mountain. No word on exactly what killed Shannon and Marc’s marriage, but a source tells People it probably had something to do with Marc always working.
“Marc is so busy with his career, touring and recording that he distances himself from his relationships without even knowing it. Even with his wife in tow, she can feel like he is on another planet. Marc likes to have a woman at home but he also likes to live like a bachelor. This doesn’t work for very long.”
I wonder what living like a bachelor means to Marc. Marc is rich, so something tells me his bachelor behavior is just a little different from the average bachelor. He’s probably still eating cereal on the couch in his underwear, except Marc’s balls are hanging out of 100% organic cashmere and his Fruity Pebbles are being eaten out of a hand-cut diamond.