Category: Another One Bites The Dust

Lisa Marie Presley’s Latest Marriage Is Over

June 28, 2016 / Posted by:

According to TMZ, Lisa Marie Presley has filed for divorce from her husband of ten years Michael Lockwood. Lisa cited “irreconcilable differences“, and reportedly filed papers a couple weeks ago on June 13th. Lisa Marie has requested full custody of their 7-year-old twin daughters, Harper and Finley, with monitored visitation for Michael. She’s not asking for any spousal support or child support. But that’s kind of a duh, since being Elvis Presley’s sole heir is the kind of thing that keeps your bank account tight for life.

This is Lisa’s fourth time writing her name on divorce papers. She was married to the father of her two older children, musician Danny Keough, for six years. In 1994 she was inducted into the Relationships That Make No Sense wing of the WTF Hall of Fame by getting married to Michael Jackson. They got divorced two years later in 1996. In 2002, she kept the “getting married to crazy” train going by getting married to Nicolas Cage. Just like her marriage to MJ, she called it quits with Nicolas Cage after two years of marriage. Two years after that, she got married to musician and major hat enthusiast Michael Lockwood.

I wonder who David Miscavige’s worst nightmare will get married to next? Lisa’s husbands include a musician, an iconic celebrity, an actor who takes his job really seriously and is kind of crazy, and a dude who dresses in a style I can best describe as Sunset Strip Steampunk. You know, it kinda sounds like Lisa’s dream man is Johnny Depp. Lisa Marie, you need to love yourself more, girl.

But enough about Lisa Marie – let’s take a look back at Michael Lockwood’s hats! TMZ says that Lisa Marie and Michael signed a postnup (ie. a prenup signed after marriage), and I’m really hoping one of the conditions of their postnup is that Michael gets custody of his hat collection. Because it’s pretty obvious from the pictures below that his true love is those hats. I’d hate to see them get separated.

Pics: Wenn.com

Nicolas Cage And Alice Kim Are Over

June 24, 2016 / Posted by:

“FINALLY! I got it!”, screamed someone, who back in 2004, bet money that then-40-year-old Nicolas Cage and his then-20-year-old bride Alice Kim would last a little under 12 years.

People says that back in January, Nicolas Cage and his third wife Alice Kim separated the same way he separated from reality eons ago. Neither of them have filed for divorce yet. Nicolas and Alice first met at an L.A. restaurant where she was working as a server. They got engaged two months later, and married at a ranch in Northern California in August 2004. Two years later, Alice birthed out their only kid together, a son, and he became a member of The Fucked-Up Celebrity Baby Name Club when they named him Kal-el Coppola Cage. Kal-el is 10 now.

These two have mostly been low-key, except for the time a drunken Nicolas Cage got put into handcuffs in New Orleans for pushing Alice during a fight in the street and for getting mouthy with the cops.

Nic Cage was married to Patricia Arquette for 5 years, was married to Lisa Marie Presley for about 5 minutes, and he made karate-kicking prince of goth Weston Cage with model Christina Fulton.

Many have said that Nicolas Cage is as broke as his hairline. I mean, he owed (and may still owe) millions to the IRS and he’s had to sell his English castle and many of his weird artifacts to pay them. So what is left for Alice?! The definition of “fuck my life” would be redefined if after 12 years of dealing with a throbbing rocket of crazy, Alice learned that all she’s going to get in the divorce settlement is the femur bone of King Tut’s makeup artist.

And well, now Nicolas Cage is free to be with his real soulmate Vince Neil.

Here’s Nic and Alice throughout the years:

Pics: Wenn.com

HBO Was Just Kidding When They Renewed “Vinyl” For A Second Season

June 22, 2016 / Posted by:

I really wanted to love Vinyl. It had 70s fashions, 70s glamour, 70s music, Olivia Wilde in a chocha rug, Bobby Cannavale’s hairy nips and plenty of busted down gutter wigs. It had all the ingredients for a masterpiece. But I only made it halfway through episode 3 before I said, screw it, and watched Boogie Nights for the 4,500th time instead. Just days after Vinyl’s pilot episode aired, HBO announced they were renewing it even though the ratings weren’t that great. But today, HBO said that after careful consideration (aka they looked at the show’s crazy high budget and rising cost of chocha rugs) they have decided to chop up the Martin Scorsese and Mick Jagger-produced show into several lines and snort it all up. They’ve reversed the renewal and canned that shit. They released this statement:

 “After careful consideration, we have decided not to proceed with a second season of Vinyl. Obviously, this was not an easy decision. We have enormous respect for the creative team and cast for their hard work and passion on this project.”

I’m going to take a wild guess and say that 98% of the tricks who watched Vinyl only watched it because they wanted to see Bobby Cannavale in black chonies and a Vinnie Barbarino wig. So I have an idea. In Vinyl’s place, HBO should show reruns of one of its greatest shows, Six Feet Under, and get Bobby Cannavale to introduce each episode while wearing black chonies and a Vinnie Barbarino wig. HBO wouldn’t have a roof anymore because the ratings would knock it right the fuck off.

Screen shot: ausCAPS 

Hilary Swank And Her Fiancé Are Over After Two Months Of Being Engaged

June 6, 2016 / Posted by:

It looks like we have yet another relationship to throw onto the burning pile of famous people relationships. Except this time, it concerns a famous person that I forgot was engaged. That’s what happens when you don’t spend your vacation choreographing cheesy photo shoots for Instagram?

According to UsWeekly, Hilary Swank, star of The Next Karate Kid, has called it quits with her tennis coach fiancé, Ruben Torres. Hilary and Ruben got engaged a little over two months ago after dating for about a year. Something must have turned shitty during the wedding planning, because a rep for Hilary tells UsWeekly that a wedding isn’t going to happen. Hilary subtly confirmed she was done with Ruben by deleting any traces of him from her Instagram page, including a picture from March that was taken shortly after he proposed. She also showed up to the French Open this weekend without her engagement ring on.

This would have been Hilary’s second marriage. Hilary was married to Chad Lowe from 1997 to 2007.

Hilary’s rep didn’t give a reason for why they were calling off their engagement. But I really wish they did, because now my mind is running through all the possible dramatic situations that could kill an engagement after barely two months. Did Hilary catch Reuben “playing doubles” with someone else? Did she “return” the ring? Did Hilary “spin” another dude’s “balls“? I know that last one makes zero sense, but I’m totally in the dark here and I’m running out of tennis puns. Help me out, Hillary’s rep!

Here’s a single and ready to mingle Hilary at the French Open this weekend. Leonardo DiCaprio was also there. I’d make a joke about Hilary setting off his Available Woman Nearby radar, but as if Leo would ever have sex with someone who has more Oscars than him (“Two? You have two?? I don’t feel well, I’m going home.”)

Pics: Wenn.com, Splash

Taylor Swift And Calvin Harris’ Eternal Love Has Died After Only 15 Months

June 1, 2016 / Posted by:

Why do I have a feeling that Taylor Swift’s record label is registering the album title “Last Night A DJ RUINED My Life” right now?

Here I was preparing my eye rolling muscles for maximum use, because I thought that Taylor Swift and Calvin Harris were going to get engaged any second and celebrate their engagement with photo-ops where she’d flash her engagement ring (a Sweet Secret with a real pink diamond in its body), but that’s not going to happen. Wonder Bread Barbie and Wonder Bread Ken have broken up after 15 long months.

People, UsWeekly, TMZ and everybody else all posted the break-up of Tayvin at the same time and I’m guessing they all got it from the same source (Hi, Tay Tay’s publicist!). But another source tells E! News that during homeroom, it was Calvin who passed Taylor a folded broken heart note and in it, it read, “We’re dun 🙁“.

“This all happened last week.

Taylor and Adam had no big blowout fight, but the romance just was not there anymore for them. Adam is the one that ended it. It was all done in a very mature fashion. Taylor is pretty upset but they are still in communication. Taylor was there for Adam with his accident and supportive.”

So Calvin dumped her ass after he was in that bad car accident? I guess it’s true what they say. Your life really does flash before your eyes when you’re in an accident. Obviously those cringe-inducing vacation pics with Taylor flashed before Calvin’s eyes and so he quit her. But I do have to throw a “ho, please” at the break-up being mature and non-dramatic. Taylor doesn’t do mature and drama-free, and since she thinks she’s all edgy and grunge now, we’re probably going to get her version of Alanis’ “You Oughtta Know.” But instead of singing “Would she go down on you in a theater?”, she’s going to sing, “Would she cut your sandwich into a heart shape?” Everybody brace themselves!

Pic:@taylorswift

Amber Heard And Johnny Depp Are Over (UPDATE)

May 25, 2016 / Posted by:

Dramatically throw a black lace mourning scarf around your neck, because Amber Heard is done with being married to Johnny Depp after only 15 months. TMZ says that Amber filed papers on Monday to legally quit Johnny’s ass, and she did it just days after his mom died. January Jones is about to pass her ice cold queen crown to Amber Heard.

Entertainment Tonight says that Johnny’s mother, Betty Sue Palmer, died on May 20 in Los Angeles after being sick for a while. She was 81. Johnny and his mom were apparently really close. TMZ says that in the divorce documents Amber filed, she lists May 22 as the day they broke up for good. Amber says that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to become Johnny Depp’s second ex-wife.

Like most of us, Johnny must have thought that this blessed union with Amber was going to last until eternity, because they didn’t sign a prenup. Amber wants spousal support, because duh. If you married someone who brings in millions of dollars yearly and they didn’t make you sign a prenup, you have to try to get a piece of the pie or you won’t be able to leave your house without getting covered in spit from other gold diggers who are sickened by you.

Because of the whole “no prenup” thing and the rumors about how their marriage was eating shit only six seconds after it began, this could get messier than the dental bib that Johnny wears during his visit to the dentist every 15 years. (UPDATE: TMZ says that Johnny has already filed his response and wants the court to trash Amber’s spousal support request.)

It must have been a really hard decision for Amber to make, because now that she’s not with Johnny Depp, she’s going to get less chances to throw down her pose game in front of a sea photographers at events. But then again, she’s a part of DC now and every one of those movies will have at least 50 premieres, so she’ll be fine. And really, after Amber and Johnny made that masterpiece hostage video together, she probably figured that their marriage had peaked and they’d never create anything as magnificent as that together again.

The good news for Johnny is that now he, his true soulmate Barnaby Joyce and Boo & Pistol can be one big happy family, at last.

Pic: TMZ

Emma Roberts And Evan Peters Are Over, Again

May 17, 2016 / Posted by:

Sad. When two people who love each other so much they both start to morph into the His n’ Hers version of an Urban Outfitters manager can’t make it work, what hope do the rest of us have?

According to UsWeekly, almost one year since they dumped their relationship in the trash the first time, Emma Roberts and Evan Peters are calling it quits again. Multiple sources say that it was “amicable“, a word which is tied with the phrase “over the moon” for the most popular adjective to describe how a famous person is feeling about something that has happened in their personal life. Emma and Evan got with each other way back in 2012 on the set of a movie, and then got engaged in 2014. Based on a statistic I just made up, two breakups usually mean the wedding probably isn’t going to happen. With that being said, I wonder which of them will get custody of Ryan Murphy?

Not much else is known about why 25-year-old Emma and 29-year-old Evan couldn’t make it work a second time. My guess is that it ended because Emma told Evan who the Red Devil was two episodes into Scream Queens, and Evan decided he just couldn’t be with the type of person who was so casual about spoilers. That, or Evan’s chiropractor gave him the bad news that ducking so many slaps and punches had put his neck at risk for a C7 vertebrae fracture and that just one more fight could snap his spine.

Here’s Emma holding a purse that looks like a Muppets’ diaphragm at the FOX Upfronts yesterday, and Evan at the UK premiere of X-Men: Apocalypse last week.

Pics: Wenn.com

Henry Cavill And His 19-Year-Old Girlfriend Are Done

May 16, 2016 / Posted by:

Oi, why is your assistant standing over in front of an airport limo with my name on it holding a gift bag and my luggage? Crap, I think I remember reading something about this in the chapter on termination in my famous person’s girlfriend welcome manual.

According to The Sun (via Page Six), Henry Cavill’s nine month long relationship with a 19-year-old British college student named Tara King is over. Congratulations, everyone who gets damp for Henry Cavill, you can go back to catcalling him in public again! Sources say that Henry dumped her. Apparently she’s “devastated” because Henry was “the love of her life.” If it makes her feel any better, I’m sure there’s a whole bunch of aspiring famous person girlfriends who are just as devastated. I mean, he took her to an Oscar afterparty; does that mean nothing anymore?

Said sources also claim that Henry’s breakup included the classic “…but we can totally still be friends.” Apparently that meant that Tara was still allowed to come to Henry’s 33rd birthday party at the beginning of the month. Inviting the teenage girl you just dumped to your birthday party? That’s definitely not a recipe for an awkward dramatic night. I wonder how many sloppy drunk locked-bathroom door screaming fights happened every time she caught him talking to another just-legal blonde.

I wouldn’t cry for Tara just yet. I’m sure it’s only a matter of time before Henry Cavill receives a text from Ben Affleck saying: “Hey, so is it cool if I get her number? I’m trying to fix shit with my wife, but you know – in case that doesn’t work out.” And I say, go for it, Tara! Get that Lexus. Reach for the famous person girlfriend stars.

Pic: Wenn.com

Kylie Jenner And Tyga Are Done

May 12, 2016 / Posted by:

Ugh, I instantly regret choosing that picture; it’s far too early to imagine what Tyga is doing to Kylie Jenner that would cause her to make that face.

TMZ says that Kylie Jenner’s gross – and at one time illegal – 19-month-long relationship with her 26-year-old boyfriend is over. And it’s reportedly for realsies this time. Tyga has officially lost his meal ticket. Angela Kardashian had to sit her pregnant ass down before she passed out from “HAHAHAHA!“-ing too hard. Tyga, please return your prepaid Kardashian Gold Kard and keys to your kompany vehicle back to Kris Jenner. I’d make a joke about Kylie returning the gifts Tyga bought her over the course of their relationship, but we all know he didn’t pay for those.

TMZ can’t say why Kylie kalled it kwits with Tyga. But they do say that the time of death for Kylie and Tyga’s relationship is sometime last week before the Met Gala. Both Kylie and Tyga went to the Met Gala, but Kylie chose not to walk the red carpet with him. They also say that Kylie’s rubber lips collapsed into a frown when he showed up, because she’s the sole reason why he was invited in the first place. To be fair, the same could be said for Kylie. “Guys, what if we don’t get enough pictures of Kim Kardashian? Better send out an invitation to her understudy, just to be sure.”

So far, neither Kylie nor Tyga have confirmed on Instagram or Snapchat or whatever that they’re done. According to UsWeekly, they might be keeping quiet because they’re just taking a break and may get back together. I’m sure it will all be explained during a very special episode of KUWTK called “Kylie Makes Everyone Forget About Blac Chyna’s Pregnancy News For A Couple Seconds.

What is known about this situation is how Tyga spent Mother’s Day last Sunday. TMZ says he went to lunch with his mama and some random model who may or may not be his new girlfriend. No word on where he found this new girlfriend, but for now let’s just assume it was Instagram.

For now, there ends another trashy chapter in the Kardashian family storybook. But thanks to Tyga and Kylie’s shameless thirst and willingness to exploit a situation for some attention, we’ll always have this disgusting reminder of what once was.

Pic: Instagram

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