People has stamped “100% TRUE” on the rumor that Kate Beckinsale and director Len Wiseman’s 11-year marriage is gasping for breath while lying in the gutter. A source tells People that Kate and Len went their separate ways months ago and we shouldn’t expect things to get messy. They aren’t going to smear each other’s pristine reputations by leaking stories to TMZ, because Kate’s not about the drama. I was going to joke that it’s apparent Kate’s not about the drama, because I’ve seen her acting in Brokedown Palace, but I actually liked her in that movie. Although, it’s pretty much her fault that Angela Chase is in a Thai women’s prison FOREVER!
The rumor started when 42-year-old Len was seen hanging out with a 24-year-old chick several times. A source says that Len and his 24-year-old piece have a “genuine connection based on friendship” and you may think that means that they have long conversations about the meaning of life and art, but I think that’s just magazine source talk for “he likes fucking her for now.”
The source also gave the generic answer of “SCHEDULING CONFLICTS!” for why Kate and Len pressed the stop button on their marriage.
“They are still friendly and spend time together in L.A. when Kate is there. There has been no drama. It’s just not Kate’s style. They have both had complicated schedules and have grown apart. Kate is not dating and only focused on her daughter and work.”
So, this means that they’ll probably get a divorce, which means that in the future I won’t see the names “Len Wiseman and Kate Beckinsale” in the same sentence together as often. That’s a good thing, because every time I see the name “Len Wiseman,” I read it as “Len Goodman” and thinking about the old dude from Dancing with the Stars humping on Kate Beckinsale’s naked body truly gave me the weirdest of weird boners.
(Note: You may be thinking that Kylie Jenner’s leg scar is from where Pimp Mama Kris removed her soul and shoved in a giant plastic ass during her koming-of-age ritual, and you’re probably right, but she says it’s from a childhood accident.)
It’s a sad week for ick nast creeps. Jared Fogle found out he’s going to prison for at least 13 years and now Tyga has been dumped by the only reason why most of us know that he exists. Tyga is probably going to have to change the lyrics in that barf-inducing song of his from “she a big girl, dawg, when she stimulated” to “she a big girl, dawg, when she dumps my ass,” because E! says that Wite Chyna and the human turtle queef have broken up after being a thing for a year.
Tyga threw himself a 26th birthday party at some club last night and his Kim K klone piece wasn’t there and it wasn’t because her underage ass couldn’t get in. Pimp Mama Kris, I mean, a source, tells E! that they’re on a break. Don’t worry, parents, you don’t have to hide your teen daughters just yet, because Tyga is not on the prowl for a new girlfriend right now.
“They are on a break. They were just a week or so ago talking about ‘ever after’ and things got messy this past week. Kylie wants time to just be by her self and do her. Tyga is not giving up as that’s his one and only lady.”
But another source (PMK’s cell phone was really busy today) tells TMZ that Kylie dumped Tyga because of something he did and “pressure” from her family. Hmm… I wonder what that something is? Here are a few guesses:
1. Tyga told Kylie Jenner she looked prettier without 46 pounds of paint slapped onto her face.
2. The something he didn’t do is make more money and he got outbid by a richer dude PMK found.
3. This is all just another PMK-produced stunt and is setting the stage for Tyga leaking a sex tape as an act of revenge.
Whatever the case may be, I just want to know (no, I don’t) who is getting kustody of their $40,000 dog?! We already know she’s getting custody of the lease payments on the Ferrari her gave her for her birthday.
Pics: Getty, Splash
My headline should’ve been: WARNING – Cover Your Keyboard With Saran Wrap Before Reading This Sadness. Because that headline probably made you cry gallons of sad tears onto your keyboard and now it’s about as dead as the meaning of everlasting love.
26-year-old Joe Jonas and 20-year-old model type Gigi Hadid have apparently broken up after a few months of being a thing. My condolences goes out to Joe Jonas’ manager for not being able to get Gigi Hadid to sign an extension in their short-term relationship contract. A source tells People that Joe and Gigi just couldn’t make it work, because she was too busy modeling and posting pictures on Instagram and he was too busy keeping keeping his gorgeous caterpillar brows fat and shiny by feeding them lettuce.
“Joe and Gigi’s relationship recently ended. Nothing serious happened … it wasn’t a dramatic break up. It was just hard to make it work with their schedules. They will definitely remain friends.”
Joe and Gigi started dating in the summer, but he wanted to date her much, much earlier. Joe was a teenage PedoBear (a PedoTeddy?), because he first asked Gigi “out” when she was 13 and he was 19.
We’re the ones who really got cheated here. I mean, Joe and Gigi were together for five whole months and we never got a fake rumor about how they made a sex tape where she takes a strap-on to his furry ass after paddling his nalgas. What a disappointment. We were counting on you, Joe!
But you know, we shouldn’t be so hard on him. He’s obviously drowning in an ocean of sads after breaking up with Gigi. On Halloween, Joe and his new band did a cover of Adele’s “Hello” and he warbled it out while dressed up as a terrifying clown. This whole cover of “Hello” makes me want to say “Goodbye.” Click play on the video below if you feel like letting your ears know that you hate them today. Those high notes. I bet that’s what he sounded like as he got spanked in the sex tape that never was.
And here’s Gigi and her brother going to Kendull Jenner’s birthday party the other night.
I probably need to tip you over and pour you out, because you’re probably filled with pure shock after finding out that a marriage between a crazy mess and a crazy mess is ending up in the gutter.
A few months ago, Radar said that Halle Berry and Olivier Martinez’s 2-year-old marriage was hanging on by a thread, because they hardly ever spent time together and she was worried that his violent asshole ways could put her kids in danger. Halle didn’t think to herself, “Err, maybe this situation isn’t such a good thing,” when Olivier smashed the pretty out of Gabriel Aubry on the driveway. The beginning of the end of their marriage came when Olivier attacked a pap with a carseat at LAX. That pap recently threw a lawsuit at Olivier and that lawsuit caused these two messes to fight. They’re both over it and Halle was the first one to take a machete to their marriage by filing for divorce.
The Internet formed a prayer circle around Lark Voorhies a while ago and that prayer circle doubled a few months ago when we all learned that she married a dude who was allegedly wanted by police in Arizona for threatening to murder a store owner. Lark’s mother said a while ago that she has bipolar disorder and doesn’t properly treat it, so we all thought, “What could go wrong in that marriage?!” It seemed like one of those “This Is Not Going To End Well” things and well, it’s ended, and her soon-to-be ex husband claims the entire marriage was a disaster.
Last April, Lark Voorhies made Jimmy Green her third husband in Las Vegas after meeting him on Facebook a year earlier. Just a few months after they got hitched, Lark’s mom Tricia got a restraining order against her new son-in-law. Even though Tricia didn’t want Jimmy anywhere near her, she still spent time with her daughter. Jimmy tells TMZ that Tricia is the reason why his marriage ate shit after only a few months and why he changed his Facebook status to single.
TMZ says that Lark is the one who filed for divorce. In the documents, she says that she doesn’t want to pay Jimmy any spousal support.
Jimmy tells TMZ that he would’ve been the one to file, but he doesn’t know how. I just…. I mean…. Jimmy either didn’t have the money to file or he’s not from L.A. Because I was born and raised in L.A., and the first thing they taught us in elementary school is how to file for divorce. They figured that we’d be doing that a lot in our lives.
I know I should probably make a joke about Kristen Stewart’s tongue sticking out of her mouth like that, but I’m too busy thinking about how sad the paps will be when they find out that they will no longer be needed to photograph Kristen Stewart and Alicia Cargile’s daily coffee runs.
The last time we checked in on who Kristen Stewart was bumping her vertical sneer against, she was proudly telling you to Google her name and count the 8,204,261 pictures of her and Alicia Cargile that come up. But according to Radar, your search is going to start returning 404 – Not Found errors, because the vague gayelle love between Kristen and Alicia is dead. A source tells Radar that KStew and ACar have “officially ended their relationship” after coming to a mutual decision. The source adds that it was an “amicable breakup.” But of course it was! It’s always amicable. There goes my hope of hearing that Alicia caught Kristen in someone else’s coochie jar and responded by dramatically throwing all her black t-shirts onto the front lawn.
As for the reason why Kristen and Alicia took a match to their relationship, the source claims it was because KStew is so busy and doesn’t have time to be in a relationship. OK, I believe that one; looking mopey and shrugging apathetically is a full-time job that doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for extracurriculars. Alicia apparently also didn’t like being Kristen’s carry-on.
“Alicia does not want to be a part of her jet-setting life anymore.”
Damn, you know it’s over over when you’re willing to give up that private jet lifestyle. Alicia’s going to realize she made a big, huge mistake once she goes back to flying commercial and finds herself sipping on a lukewarm cup of Sprite while sandwiched between the toilet and a kid playing Eden xo’s “The Weekend” on repeat with no headphones. Alicia, it’s not too late! I’m sure she’ll take you back!
Love Doesn’t Live On This Planet Anymore: Geoffrey Edelsten Is Divorcing His Latest Gold-Digging Wife
Quick recap time!
Geoffrey Edelsten is a 72-year-old Australian medical entrepreneur/tabloid mess who is mostly known to me for his impeccable taste for graceful American gold digging blossoms such as his second wife, the eternal earth angel Brynne Edelsten. Geoffrey has truly mastered the art of picking out the finest of gold diggers.
Gabi Grecko is Geoffrey’s 26-year-old third wife who is a former HSOTD, a DJ/fashion designer from Miami and is one of my current fashion icons because she always looks like she just placed first in a bad drag contest. Gabi announced in June that Geoffrey busted a load of jizz dust up in her and she got knocked up. Well, Gabi will soon be inducted into the Ex-Wives Of Geoffrey Edelsten Club, because they’re getting divorced. And their marriage isn’t going down without a scandal.
Kaley Cuoco moved one-time pro tennis player Ryan Sweeting into her house after their first blind date, and three months later they were engaged, and three months after that they were married. Bitch was like a Jennifer Love Hewitt in heat. She was ready for that ring. Because they got married faster than a strict Catholic after finding out she’s knocked up, us bitter hating bitches gave the marriage a total of 11 months max. But well, Kaley and Ryan really showed us, because they lasted 21 months! I guess Kaley’s high from being a good old-fashioned little housewife ended, because her rep tells People that she and her man are getting divorced.
“Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting have mutually decided to end their marriage. They ask for privacy at this time. No further statement will be issued regarding this matter.”
I hope Kaley rebounds with her ex-pap stroller Henry Cavill, because I really miss their shameless STUNT QUEEN struts to the supermarket.
And well, Kaley got her wedding date (12/31/13) tattooed on her back, so I’m guessing she’s either going to be spending a little time with a laser in the near future or she’s hunting for a dude she can quickie marry on New Year’s Eve.
But seriously, it’s Fall and the Summer of Splits is still eating true love whole. Just this week we learned that Glenn Close is single and today we find out that Amanda Carrington AND Kaley Cuoco are getting a divorce. I’m just going to go ahead and take a wild guess and say that all these women are divorcing their dudes, because Jon Hamm is single and they want to spend all their free time trying to catch the Hammaconda. I don’t blame them.
Here’s Kaley and her future ex-husband at some event last month.
I guess this week’s theme is, “Hos You Forgot Were Dating Until It Was Announced That They’re No Longer Dating.”
Amy Poehler and Nick Kroll (the billionaire’s son from Kroll Show and the dude from The League who didn’t lie about almost dying in 9/11) were smashing their fuck parts together for 2 years, but they’re not anymore. A source tells UsWeekly that Amy and the butcher and bearded Chris Kattan just couldn’t make it work, because she’s so busy and he’s so busy and they couldn’t find the time to be busy together.
“Unfortunately, they just couldn’t make the relationship work with their schedules,” says one insider close to the Parks and Recreation actress, 44, and the Kroll Show star, 37.
Upcoming projects constantly came between Kroll and the mom of two (she shares Archie, 6, and Abel, 5, with ex-husband Will Arnett). “They really tried, but it just wasn’t realistic anymore,” adds the source. “They were spending more time apart than together.”
Whenever Hollywood types break up, some source usually burps out some generic crap about how they had to dump their relationship into the gutter because they were just never ever together. Er, I thought that not seeing each other’s faces for long periods of time was one of the keys to a long-lasting happy relationship. Doesn’t absence makes the heart and genitals grow fonder? You know, after not seeing each other for weeks, they’d go into a room together, get naked, hump for a while, light up a joint, say a total of 16 words about what they’ve been up to and get dressed before going back to their oh-so-fucking busy schedules. That seems like the perfect relationship to me! I’m guessing that the real reason they broke up is because the Hammaconda is on the loose now and Amy wants a huge piece of that. Now that’s a good reason to dump a trick.
A couple of months ago, Star Magazine said that Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt’s 18 year love was about as dead as the feeling in her face after she makes her plastic surgeon inject another gallon of Botox and other fillers into her mug. The source said then that Jennifer decided to break up with Jon Hamm, because his obese Hammaconda dick just wasn’t doing it for her anymore and she started talking to a 52-year-old Mexican man she met on SizeQueens.com. No, apparently Jennifer wants kids and Jon doesn’t. A couple of weeks later, that break-up rumor was killed when Jon and Jennifer were seen “canoodling” at a party.
There were also rumors about them splitting up back in April after he got out of rehab. They shat on that rumor too. But it’s really over this time, because they have pulled out a generic break-up statement from their publicist’s folder of generic statements and released it to People:
“With great sadness, we have decided to separate, after 18 years of love and shared history. We will continue to be supportive of each other in every way possible moving forward.”
What’s sort of weird is that they announced this on a holiday in the US. Maybe they did that because they’re hoping nobody will make a big deal about it and move on quickly. Or maybe they released that statement today because one of the tabloids is planning to put out an ESCANDALOSO story about their breakup and they want to get ahead of it. Maybe Jon Hamm is really on trend and they broke up because he fucked the nanny. Before you say that they don’t have kids so they obviously don’t have a nanny, let me ask you this. Who do you think bathes, feeds, burps and grooms the Hammaconda? That’s a full-time job and neither of them have the time for that shit!