I was going to title this shit “RIP Martin Lawrence,” but it’s Monday and nothing would be crueler than making you think that there will never ever be a Sheneneh movie.
E! News and People both say that Jennifer Lawrence’s nipples are no longer getting hard as she inhales the bland scent of Chris Martin’s ass burps, because they have broken up. Martin Lawrence first became a thing this summer and they were never really photographed together together, but they did end up in the same picture in September. I know, your soul is probably still raw and bloody from being rocked by that breaking news. Now they’re over for whatever reason. People and E! News didn’t say. Maybe one of Jennifer Lawrence’s friends knocked her out of the waking coma she was in by hitting her over the head with her middle finger umbrella and she realized that fucking Goopy Paltrow’s leftovers is no way to go through life.
I don’t even know if they were actually ever together. If a bear shits in the woods and nobody smells it, did that bear really shit in the woods? If Kim Kardashian gets married and 200 cameras aren’t there to document every whorey detail, did Kim Kardashian really get married? If Jennifer Lawrence and Chris Martin never posed together in a staged photo-op, were they ever a couple? Was this a failed PR stunt or just one of those “get stoned and bone two times” situations or did we all just make it up?
Anyway, since JLaw is really into British dudes who look like they cry after cumming, I’m guessing she’ll start dating either Benedict Cumberbatch or Prince Charles next. Since Chris Martin is really into blonde Oscar winners, I’m guessing he’ll start humping on Zero Dark Thirty’s gorgeous sound editor.
And once Goopy Paltrow finishes gooping out of her goop holes while cackling over this news, she should get back with Chris Martin, because they really are a match made in insufferable cunt heaven. Why fight it?
Just one day after TMZ puked up a two-week-old picture of Mama June cuddling up next to the ex-piece who just finished serving 10 years in the chokey for molesting one of her 8-year-old relatives, TLC derailed the sketti sauce train and cut their losses while watching it crash and burn. The makers of diabetes meds are in the fetal position under their desks this morning, because the show they counted on to push more product is done. A entire season of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo was shot, but TLC is not airing it and has canceled the show over the allegations that Mama June is dating a convicted child molester. TLC executives fed cheese balls and sketti sauce to a bull and waited around until it shit up this pile of bullshit:
“Supporting the health and welfare of these remarkable children is our only priority. TLC is faithfully committed to the children’s ongoing comfort and well-being.”
File this under: This is why Denise Richards is cackling today.
The inspirational, beautiful story of the love between the warlockized herpes strain Charlie Sheen and his porn piece Brett Rossi was supposed to end with her spoon feeding coke cut with Benefiber into his pepaw nostrils before cutting out a dick hole in his Depends diaper so the hooker they hired has easy access. They were supposed to be together forever. But just like a coochie when Charlie puts his nasty tongue on it, their love foamed at the mouth before dying. They are over.
In just a few weeks, Brett Rossi was supposed to walk down the aisle while carrying a bouquet of crack rocks and she was supposed to officially become Charlie Sheen’s fourth wife after the officiant, Ron Jeremy, announced, “I now pronounce you husband and wife, you may now snort a fat line off of your bride’s asshole.” Charlie tells E! News that he called off their 8-month-old engagement and put Brett on the curb. In the statement he shat up to E!, Charlie calls Brett “Scotty” and I don’t know if that’s his nickname for her or if he just calls everyone that because he can’t remember names. (Added note: I must be on crack because I forgot she changed her name to Scottine Sheen which sounds like a brand of toilet paper.)
“Scotty and I had a great year together as we traveled the world and crossed a lot of things off our bucket list. She’s a terrific gal—but we’ve mutually decided to go our separate ways and not spend the rest of our lives together. I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus more than a relationship does right now. I still have a tremendous fondness for Scotty and I wish her all the best.”
After reading the line, “I’ve decided that my children deserve my focus,” Judy at the CPS office in L.A. just screamed out, “GODDAMNSIT,” in her cubicle, picked up her phone and called her kids to tell them that she can’t take them to Knott’s Berry Farm this weekend, because she’s going to be really busy with work since Charlie’s inconsiderate ass has decided he needs to spend time with his kids and ruin them some more. Poor Judy.
The bad news for Brett Rossi is that even though she probably got a good severance package (a leather suitcase full of money and a lifetime supply of Valtrex), she won’t be honored by the Gold Digger Hall of Fame anytime soon because she didn’t secure herself a regular alimony check by making a cracked out Charlie marry her in a drive-thru wedding chapel in Nevada. The good news for Brett Rossi is that she dodged a bullet and I mean that both figuratively and literally.
After many many months of trying to get her go get her go get her go get her back, it looks like Robin Thicke can finally call the 1-800-GOT-JUNK guys to come and pick up the hundreds of boxes of unsold Paula albums in his garage and take them to the dump where they belong, because his wife has officially gone from “estranged” to “fuck this, I’m out”.
According to People, Robin’s former bottom bitch and the mother of his child Paula Patton filed for divorce on October 3rd in Los Angeles. She cited – YOU GUESSED IT – ‘irreconcilable differences’ as the reason, and is asking for joint custody of their 4-year-old son Julian. Although I heard (no I didn’t) that Paula simply walked into the Los Angeles County divorce court offices, threw down a copy of Paula, and said “This. This is why. Write that as the reason.”
Well, he tried. Not everybody tries to win back their estranged wife by releasing a shitty thrown-together album of stalker-sounding love songs in a shameless attempt to profit off of your break-up and convince the public you’re not a douche-dipped pussy hound. And by ‘tried’, I mean he tried to profit off of it. What did Paula make, $876.42 worldwide? That’s like an hour in the VIP room at Clitter Shakers and a round of antibiotics at the STD clinic. You done good, Robin!
I’m sure Robin is taking this divorce news pretty hard (“Oh yeah, so hard” – says Robin, as his penis cries into hooker pussy), so I suggest Papa Alan try to cheer him up! Maybe throw on the Growing Pains theme and treat him to a lap dance from a stripper that looks like Joanna Kerns. “Show me that smile agaaaaain…“
OK! Magazine (via Showbiz Spy) says that 22-year-old German Victoria’s Secret model Teri Garr (I know that’s not her name, but every time I try to type her real name my auto-correct gene automatically corrects it to Teri Garr. I cannot deny my auto-correct gene!) is no longer sucking the face piojos and cheesy dandruff puffs out of Leonardo DiCaprio’s scraggly beard as they spoon on a yacht in the South of France while forever third wheel Lukas Haas watches from a dark corner. They say that after a year and a half of bumping nipples, Teri Garr and 39-year-old Leo are no longer together. They were last papped together in NYC on September 3rd. OK! Magazine has so many details about the split that you’ll have to read the following with a quadruple-magnified magnifying glass, because there’s details hidden in the details.
The Wolf of Wall Street actor, 39, ended his relationship with model Toni Garrn, 22, after a year and a half of dating. The couple was last spotted in New York City on Sept. 3.
The split wasn’t too much of a surprise, as Garrn attended New York Fashion Week solo, while DiCaprio partied on the West Coast. But what lead to the split?
So many details! A source tells Gossip Cop that OK! is lie-telling, because ToNardo is still a thing.
I don’t know, it’s pretty believable. The world is now teetering on its axis, because George Clooney is the picture perfect portrait of a happily married monogamous man and Adam Levine is no longer ho’ing it up out in the open. Leonardo DiCatchAHo really cares about the planet and he can’t let it completely spin off its axis by staying in a relationship too long. So I wouldn’t be surprised if Leo put Teri Garr on the curb, because now that Clooney and Adam Levine are temporarily off the market he’s gotta triple up his fuck load and do all the models. Besides, Teri Garr turned 22 in July and 22 is “older than Methuselah’s balls” in DiCatchAHo years. That’s what the DiCatchAHo calculator on Victoria’s Secret’s website says anyway.
Here’s Toni Garrn (yes, I broke at least 3 finger bones while typing that name instead of Teri Garr) at some Vogue event in Milan on September 22nd.
Does anyone have a watch? I need to call the official time of death of true love. If an elegant British breasticle goddess can’t make it work with a bulgy burmese python-thighed super stud, then what hope do the rest of us have? I’d shed a single lumpy dick-shaped tear, but I’m far too depressed to summon the saline needed.
According to the Daily Mail, Kelly Brook – the “WHO??” of all whos (I know nothing about her, and yet I love her) – and the come-to-life M.U.S.C.L.E. figurine David McIntosh have called it quits on their engagement, thus killing my dream of seeing Kelly and David’s beautifully tacky wedding and subsequent messy divorce. Kelly confirmed the sad news yesterday on Twitter:
It's a sad Day but I wanted to share with you that David and I are no longer engaged. I love and respect him and wish him all the best.
— Kelly Brook (@IAMKELLYBROOK) September 26, 2014
She also went ahead and deleted all pictures of him from Instagram, which is a damn shame, because if Instagram needs more of anything, it’s bulgy beef jerky jocks.
So it sounds like they’re really done. How rotten! I was looking so forward to seeing David’s XL pig-in-a-blanket peen stuffed into a pair of too-tight tuxedo pants. Not to mention I’m starting to think I’ll NEVER see Kelly’s exquisite saline crumpets wrapped in Chantilly lace; this is Kelly’s 4th cancelled check of an engagement. I don’t pray much (unless you count every time I get to the top of a drop on a roller coaster and start weeping and pleading with Jesus not to take me to heaven), but I’m going to pray tonight for Kelly and David’s busted relationship. Because if there’s anything I need more of in my life, it’s pictures of Kelly being escorted around Beverly Hills by David’s trouser banger and beans.
First Chavril, then Mama June and Shuggy, then Pimp Mama Kris and Bruce Jenner, and NOW Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa? Amber was just twerking in Wiz’s honor. That’s the seal of true love. How can it be over?! If you’re married, you better start hiding joint money in off-shore accounts before trolling for rebound dick, because everyone’s breaking up. The Grim Reaper is snatching up everyone’s marriage.
At the MTV Video Train Wreck Awards last month, Amber Rose and Wiz Khalifa were the definition of understated elegance and pure love when they showed up looking like a two pence medieval hooker and an Emo scarecrow found in the clearance section of a Hot Topic the day after Halloween. But behind that facade of true love, their 1-year-old marriage was drowning in dirty bong water. TMZ says that Amber Rose filed papers to legally quit Wiz Khalifa after only 1 year of being married to him. Amber claims that they barely broke up on Monday, so shit went down and I’m bracing myself for all the side tricks who will crawl out from under the dumpster to sell their stories to Life & Style.
Amber is asking for full physical and legal custody of their 1-year-old son Sebastian and is happy to let Wiz visit him. Amber doesn’t have to ask for spousal support, because she says that the prenup she and Wiz signed guarantees her a monthly check.
Sources tell TMZ that their split is bitter. There’s been rumors that Amber’s wandering chocha has wandered over to Nick Cannon’s rogue dick. Nick’s production company recently signed Amber to a TV and book deal and some say that they’re more than just business partners. If that’s true, then Mimi should get REVENGE by fucking Wiz Khalifa. Wiz Khalifa looks like a skinny ass Sanrio character, so boning him shouldn’t be a problem for Mimi.
And really, we should’ve seen this coming as soon as Amber Rose showed off the giant, horrific kiss of inked death she tattooed into the back of her arm:
I hope Nick Cannon (or whoever her next piece is) gets off on having a stoned Wiz Khalifa stare at him as he hits Amber Rose from the back. Some kinky motherfucker would.
Here’s Amber Rose buying stuff in Beverly Hills yesterday.
QUICK! Everyone form a protective circle around Rojo Caliente and Cynthia Nixon, because 2014 is really taking a machete to the meaning of real love and none of our favorite couples are safe!
Most of you are still lying on the floor in a pile of sadness after reading about the tragic death of Canada’s royal couple and this truly sad news is going to make you want to pull yourself off of the floor and fall down again while screaming, “NO! NO! NO!” TMZ says that the couple I thought would last forever (served with zero sarcasm) has broken up. Mama June has taken off her commitment ring and dumped Sugar Bear after finding out that he’s been trolling dating sites for new ass. Sugar Bear put up profiles on dating sites including PlentyOfFish.com. You know, Sugar Bear is as slow as Mama June’s metabolism, so maybe he thought that PlentyOfFish.com was a website where you buy actual fish?
TMZ has a screen shot of Sugar Bear’s profile. He calls himself Georgiafighter31054 and says he loves to hunt fish and ride 4 wheelers. Mama June believe in her diabetes-filled heart of diabetes-filled hearts that Sugar Bear’s been sticking his sugar dick in other tricks. Here Comes Honey Boo Boo is shooting right now and once they’re done, she’s going to pack up her tribe of deep fried dumplings and move out of the house. She’s going to move closer to her relatives. Mama June and Sugar Bear released this sad-inducing statement to TMZ:
“Sugar Bear and I have decided to take some time apart to figure out some things in our relationship. We are taking things day by day but regardless of what happens the girls will always be our #1 priority. We want to thank ya’ll for your support.”
This has to be a shameless stunt for the finale of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo. This world cannot go on without Sugar Bear gently sticking his peen between Mama June’s luscious stack of Pringles chins and fighting off the gnats to nibble off the corns from her forklift foot. That’s real love. My heart is broken and not even a gallon of sketti sauce can mend it together.
Here’s Mama June and Sugar Bear during happier times at Extra or Access Hollywood (or whatever show that twat Mario Lopez hosts) last year.
Pretty much every time two twats break up, I declare the death of love and say that Valentine’s Day should be canceled forever and we should all spend February 14th mourning the loss of true love by bawling into a giant plastic clear tub of Neapolitan ice cream (I know you buy that shit at Costco) while wearing a black veil. (That’s how I spend my Valentine’s Day anyway). But this time I really mean it. If a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears and a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears can’t make it work, who can? Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are on the same level of awful. They are a match made in hell and they should be together forever. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.
Uh oh, looks like there’s trouble in the swamp! According to Us Weekly, the Lowered Expectations version of Kim, Khloe Kardashian, and her sleazy Shrek-looking rapper/aspiring fame whore boyfriend, French Montana, have temporarily kalled it kwits on their 8-month relationship. I guess after 8 months of tirelessly working to keep her relationship relevant by getting papped walking in and out of nightclubs and airports with Shrek, Budget Kim is exhausted and needs to take a break. HA! Did you think I was serious? As if Pimp Mama Kris would ever let her hookers take a break from the ho stroll! No, a source claims Khloe wants to take a break because Shrek Montana is apparently a stage-5 clinger:
“They are on a break,” one source tells Us. “The relationship got too heavy and Khloe needed to take a step back. She just wants time apart from him.”
Another insider says the Moroccan-born musician was too “needy” for the reality star. “It grated on her that he became so dependent on her.”
Normally it’s a Kardashian that’s the one doing the soul-sucking, not the other way around. I’m sure that really confused Satan.”I don’t get it! He’s even more desperate to be famous than our own hookers! Kris, are you sure he didn’t accidentally fall out of your snatch 30 years ago?” Oh well, back to the swamp with you, Shrek. Say hello to Don-keh for me!
And speaking of things getting too heavy, here’s Khloe shopping for watermelons (aka “removable fruit-based butt shapers“), then walking around Williams-Sonoma with them stuffed into the ass of her pants: