Pretty much every time two twats break up, I declare the death of love and say that Valentine’s Day should be canceled forever and we should all spend February 14th mourning the loss of true love by bawling into a giant plastic clear tub of Neapolitan ice cream (I know you buy that shit at Costco) while wearing a black veil. (That’s how I spend my Valentine’s Day anyway). But this time I really mean it. If a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears and a half-broken Canadian Go Girl who should be arrested for committing crimes against ears can’t make it work, who can? Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger are on the same level of awful. They are a match made in hell and they should be together forever. I don’t know what to believe in anymore.
Uh oh, looks like there’s trouble in the swamp! According to Us Weekly, the Lowered Expectations version of Kim, Khloe Kardashian, and her sleazy Shrek-looking rapper/aspiring fame whore boyfriend, French Montana, have temporarily kalled it kwits on their 8-month relationship. I guess after 8 months of tirelessly working to keep her relationship relevant by getting papped walking in and out of nightclubs and airports with Shrek, Budget Kim is exhausted and needs to take a break. HA! Did you think I was serious? As if Pimp Mama Kris would ever let her hookers take a break from the ho stroll! No, a source claims Khloe wants to take a break because Shrek Montana is apparently a stage-5 clinger:
“They are on a break,” one source tells Us. “The relationship got too heavy and Khloe needed to take a step back. She just wants time apart from him.”
Another insider says the Moroccan-born musician was too “needy” for the reality star. “It grated on her that he became so dependent on her.”
Normally it’s a Kardashian that’s the one doing the soul-sucking, not the other way around. I’m sure that really confused Satan.”I don’t get it! He’s even more desperate to be famous than our own hookers! Kris, are you sure he didn’t accidentally fall out of your snatch 30 years ago?” Oh well, back to the swamp with you, Shrek. Say hello to Don-keh for me!
And speaking of things getting too heavy, here’s Khloe shopping for watermelons (aka “removable fruit-based butt shapers“), then walking around Williams-Sonoma with them stuffed into the ass of her pants:
Pour out a bowl of cheese grits this morning, because the love between Britney Spears and her normal boyfriend Normal Guy Dave (born name: David Lucado) is as dead as a melted Frapp (“Oooh, give it here, I’ll still drink it!” – Brit Brit). According to TMZ, Brit Brit dumped Normal Guy Dave after someone (Chester Cheetah working under the alias Deep Flamin’ Hot Throat) tipped off Daddy Spears to the existence of a video showing Normal Guy Dave cheatin’ on the world’s most precious little chicken-fried steak dumplin’ Brit Brit Spears. ESCANDALO, Y’ALL! »
There will be no 0 carat, princess cut crack rock engagement rings. There will be no wedding where the guests will gasp when Michelle Rodriguez lifts Zac Efron’s veil and reveals his stunningly made up wedding day face. There will be no baby that’s a giant six pack with brows. There will be none of that, because Zac Efron and Michelle Rodriguez are done doing whatever it is they were doing for the past 2 months.
Several multiple sources (read: Zac’s PR bitch, Michi’s PR bitch, that Italian daddy, etc) tell UsWeekly that they had a major fight in Ibiza and left the shattered pieces of their genuine love on the shores of Spain.
“Michelle is going to do her own thing. Zac knew this about her when he got with her,” a second source tells Us. “He’s very into her though, and perhaps more than she’s into him.”
Indeed, despite calling it quits, Efron, 26, hasn’t lost hope on the relationship. “Zac still wants to be with her,” the first source adds.
“He’s very into her” translates into “She gets the best kind of bad shit.”
Sadly for all of us, this shit ended without them leaking some kind of sex tape. Damn that Zac for ruining EVERYTHING. Damn him for making his scissor sister mad by stealing her stash. Or maybe Michelle’s the one who screwed up by cheating on him badly when she used the double-sided dildo they shared on another whore. Damn them both.
Here’s MRod mourning the loss of Zachelle by partying with some hot chicks at Nikki Beach Club in Marbella a few days ago.
Something new I learned today: Tea Leoni didn’t legally quit David Duchovny’s ass years ago after rehab didn’t cure his addiction to pussy and he once again came home smelling like frothy random cooch cream, goat milk mixed with strawberry-scented lube and regrets. I thought they got a divorce a million years ago. I was wrong, because they were married this whole time. But they’re not anymore.
TMZ says that David and Tea haven’t been together since 2011, but they finally got around to legally breaking up. David and Tea “quietly” divorced in June and I’m taking that to mean that they whispered in their lawyer’s conference room while signing the divorce papers. Tea and David behaved like grown ups (instead of like whiny cunts the way most Hollywood couples act when they’re getting a divorce) and they worked all the details out themselves. Their 2 chirruns, 12-year-old Kyd (that’s really his name) and 15-year-old Madelaine, will mostly live with Tea and she and David are sharing legal custody. Since David’s got that X-Files money, he will pay Tea $40k a month in alimony and another $8,333 in child support. David’s also agreed to pay for their kids’ private school, college and summer camp.
Tea and David got married in 1997, but they broke up for a minute in 2008 while he went to rehab to deal with his addiction to porn and punane.
$576,000 a year in spousal and child support and all Tea had to do was be married to David Duchovny for 17 years, birth out two kids and deal with the sound of a “hamster jumping on a Whoopee cushion full of pudding” as he jacked his dick off to porn for hours while she slept next to him?! But then again, Tea and her two kids live on the UWS in Manhattan, so $48,000 a month will pay her mortgage and maaaaaybe two trips to Whole Foods.
The news of David Duchovny’s divorce is a gift to Mulder/Scully shippers who are still keeping hope alive. And of course this shit comes out on Gillian Anderson’s born day. I’m sure David celebrated Gillian’s birthday and his divorce by showing up to her door with a birthday candle stuck in his peen slit. I think I read that in a Mulder/Scully fanfiction once.
Michael Strahan And Nicole Murphy Might Have Called It Quits Over Either A Messy Prenup Fight Or A Side-Piece
There’s nothing that makes me sadder than hearing about a prenup coming between a thirsty gold-digging ho and her delicious divorce dollars. Hey prenup, what’s your problem? Why can’t you let a wallet-humping bitch be great?
According to Page Six, that spiteful killjoy of a legal document might be the reason former NFL player and current chipper morning TV host Michael Strahan and celebrity ex-wife Nicole Murphy called off their 5-year engagement. A source claims that prior to getting married, Michael wanted Nicole to sign a prenup, which Nicole refused, probably because a woman with such a tight eyebrow game knows you never sign a prenup when there’s a chance you could get your hands on some sweet Live! with Kelly and Michael money. However, Michael wouldn’t budge; even though he already knows what happens when a prenup comes back to bite you in your rich ass. The source also says that even though he asked Nicole to sign a prenup, Michael has always been very generous to her, especially after she lost $7 million dollars of her Eddie Murphy divorce winnings to a shady investment scheme. Regardless, they couldn’t come to an agreement about the prenup, so they called their engagement off.
BUT!! According to TMZ, Michael and Nicole’s split has less to do with wallet humping and more to do with actual humping. A source close to the couple (Kelly Ripa’s erect bellybutton) claims Michael was sniffing around at a pussy that wasn’t attached to Nicole. Eventually she found out and dramatically whipped her engagement ring at his face (I assume) and called the whole thing off. Of course, neither the reps for Michael nor Nicole have commented on why they split.
Damn, so much drama from what I thought was a bonafide member of the Boring Couples Club. First prenup drama, then cheater drama. What’s next? Another “source” coming forward to say that the real REAL reason they called off their engagement is because Michael was having a steamy affair with Kelly’s gigantic bellybutton. That homewrecking hussy! You can’t trust an outie bellybutton that large! It will make you lose your lunch and steal your man!
Dear aspiring beards, immediately update your headshot with Kelly Preston’s Beard Placement Agency, because Joe Jonas is back out on the stroll now that he’s done with the Swedish model/graphic designer whose name sounds like the name of a character McDonald’s invented to sell their McEggs Benedict, or like the name of a dirty, messy sex act involving unsalted egg whites and a fist.
UsWeekly says that 24-year-old Joe Jonas and 30-year-old Blanda Eggenschwiler (whose name translates into “egg white omelet hold the salt” in the Norrland dialect) are over after almost 2 years together. It’s a sad day for the meaning of true love when Joe Jonas and a beard can’t come to an agreement during contract re-negotiations. Bland Eggs and Joe Jonas met through a “mutual friend” in November 2012. Joe’s rep confirms to UsWeekly that he shaved Bland Eggs off of his face. The rep also spit out the same canned, generic response that every spokewhore spits out when a famous ho breaks up with their piece:
“Joe and Blanda have mutually decided to part ways. The split was amicable and the two remain friends, with great respect for one another.”
Some source tells E! that Joe and Bland Eggs broke up, because they wanted to do new things and that’s WAY too easy.
“It was mutual. They both wanted to do new things. Joe wants to be single right now and they thought it was better if they are just friends.”
While Joe and Bland Eggs were together, Blind Gossip hocked up blind item after blind item about how he’s a dragon-chasing heroin addict and she’s his supplier. I always side-eyed those blind items, because Joe Jonas’ eyebrows have always been as luscious as a black bear’s landing strip and doesn’t heroin eat your eyebrows first? Or am I confusing it with meth?
But seriously, they had a good run and they should’ve broken up after that sex tape rumor, because their relationship peaked when we all pictured Bland Eggs doing Joe Jonas with a long, fat dildo as he bit onto his purity ring.
And Bland Eggs should date and marry Arnold Schwarzenegger next, so her name can be Blanda Eggenschwiler-Schwarzenegger
Poor lovelorn d-bag Robin Thicke. According to TMZ, releasing a serial killer-y album full of stalker ballads that sold all of 50 copies hasn’t won back the affections of his estranged wife Paula Patton like he thought it would. I know, I’m shocked too; who of us wouldn’t swoon to the moon and back if the human equivalent of gonorrhea wrote you a bunch of songs that sound like a 15-year-old’s crappy LiveJournal poetry?
A source (Alan Thicke’s magic talking penis) tells TMZ that Robin has put their house up for sale and hired an attorney to split up their assets. Paula hasn’t lived in the house since February, but neither she nor Robin have hired a divorce lawyer yet. You hear that Robin? She doesn’t have a divorce lawyer yet! Quick, start recording a follow-up to Paula called Paula Don’t Call Trope and Trope!
Obviously this could all be just another jenga block in the publicity stunt pyramid Robin and Paula have been building since he was photographed with his hand up a skank’s ass, but I think he’s actually selling his house because he was probably having a tough time getting laid. Most true-blue sluts have a sixth sense for detecting the presence of a bottom bitch in the atmosphere (usually by way of a tingle in their pussy or gag reflex). So every time Robin brought a new blonde trick home, they no doubt would freeze upon entry, put their hand to their pussy like a slutty psychic and ask “Did a wife or a long-term girlfriend used to live here? I’m sensing drama. I should go.”
Congratulations to Canadian American daisy petal Pamela Anderson! When she married her third ex-husband Rick Salomon for the second time in January, we all thought they’d annul the hell out of that marriage as soon as the coke buzz wore off. But she somehow managed to make it to 6 months before she thought to herself, “Eh, I’m bored of this peen again, NEXT!”
TMZ says that Pamela is getting one failed marriage closer to taking down Elizabeth Taylor’s record, because last Thursday she filed papers to legally kill her marriage to Parasite Hilton’s sex tape partner. Pamela checked the box next to “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why she’s done with this marriage, because “craving new dick” wasn’t listed as a reason. TMZ also says that Rick Salomon won $2.8 million in a poker tournament last Tuesday, two days before she filed to quit his ass, and if they don’t have a prenup, she might be able to get her hands around half of that money. Holding out on divorcing her husband until after his big poker tournament has earned Pamela Anderson a bright shining star on The Gold Digger Walk of Fame, because that is a genius move.
Let’s go over Pamela’s marriage history… Pamela first put on a wedding ring when she married Tommy Lee in 1995 and they divorced three years later. Pamela jumped on and off Tommy Lee’s Wienermobile dick for a few years before marrying Kid Pebble in 2006. Pamela kicked the sanctity of marriage in the anus hole a year later when she made Kid Pebble her second ex-husband. The same year that Pamela quit Kid Pebble, she married Rick Soloman for the first time. They lasted for four months before they annulled their marriage due to FRAUD. They forgot about the whole FRAUD thing and married again last January and now they’re over again.
You know how some hos say that break-up sex is the best kind of sex? Maybe Pamela Anderson is way past that and she can only bust a nut if she’s freshly divorced from the dude. So I’m sure as soon as their divorce is final, these marriage-abusing sluts are going to start having hot divorce fuck times and then when she gets bored with that, she’ll marry him a third time, and then divorce him a third time so she can have more hot divorce fuck times. They’ll keep doing that over and over again. Divorce is totally Pamela’s fetish of choice. That sick bitch.
Maybe it’s all the BBQ maple leaves I ate yesterday, but that hat sort of looks like a friendly penis stingray.
Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current owner of some serious Magic Eye titties, Jewel, has confirmed in a blog post published Wednesday (TIL: Jewel has a blog) that after 16 years together, she and her professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are getting divorced. Damn, if a squinty snaggle-toothed yodeller and a sassy lil’ cowboy pixie can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us??
“Ty and I have always tried to live the most authentic life possible, and we wanted our separation as husband and wife to be nothing less loving than the way we came together. For some time we have been engaged in private and difficult, but thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves. Allowing ourselves the time and space to redefine what we are to each other with love rather than with malice.”
I guess “tender undoing” is the country version of “conscious uncoupling”. As much as I want to believe that they’re calling it quits because Ty was caught getting a hand-job from a bull, I think it’s more likely the result of hooking up in 1998. Nothing good came out of 1998! That was the year that gave us both Furbys AND the Matthew Broderick Godzilla. Literally the only non-turd from 1998 was Rose McGowan at the VMAs, but everyone knows an ass that looks like two melons in a plastic grocery bag is never a sure sign that love is meant to last.