Looks like another spot just opened up on The Goop Troop’s Hawaiian family vacation. UsWeekly says that after almost a year of unconfirmed fucking, Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence have packed what was left of their maybe-relationship into a box and drove it to Savers. RIP Martin Lawrence. On the upside, the real Martin Lawrence can drop that NaeNae, because today is the day he finally gets his name back.
An “insider” (Gwyneth Paltrow using a fake phone voice and desperately trying not to let out a dry cackle of glee) claims they split up because JLaw has been working non-stop and they never saw each other. The same insider also wants you to know that America’s former sweetheart has been spending a lot of time with her panty-dropping ex, Nicholas Hoult, adding that “they’re on great terms now, and their families have stayed close.” JLaw and About A Boy are currently filming X-Men: Apocalypse together, which might explain why they’re spending so much time together. Or maybe they want to start banging each other again. Who knows? Get whatever you want to get, girl. Get Nicholas Hoult, get that hot as fuck bodyguard of yours. Get it all! The world is your all-you-can bang penis buffet.
No word on whether or not their decision to end shit had anything to do with Chris Martin getting caught working his mopey magic on Kylie Minogue last week in London. Did anyone hear a story about Jennifer Lawrence screaming the words “FUCK THAT TWO-TIMING ASS!” while angrily tossing Chris Martin’s collection of scarves onto the street at 3am?
Remember when a “source” said those moving trucks outside of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s house weren’t there to move all his shit out and the trucks were being used to move out furniture before a big renovation? Well, either that source lied to us all or Ben and Jen are renovating their house so they get a bigger price on it when they sell that shit. Because Bennifer 2.0 announced today (the day after their 10th anniversary) that their marriage is done and they’re getting a divorce. Jennifer Garner is no longer fucking Ben Affleck. “I called it,” screamed pretty much every tabloid in the world.
Ben and Jennifer “exclusively” released this statement to People:
“After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce. We go forward with love and friendship for one another and a commitment to co-parenting our children whose privacy we ask to be respected during this difficult time. This will be our only comment on this private, family matter. Thank you for understanding.”
TMZ says that Ben and Jen are going to try to keep it clean and she’s not going to go all Stephanie March by ranting in court papers about how she was sick of him coming home and smelling like random pussy and casino smoke. They will share custody of their 3 children and are not going to file for divorce until they work out the property and custody situation.
And as the paps weep over the loss of Bennifer 2.0’s legendary photo-op struts, tabloid editors are also weeping, because now whose MARRIAGE CRISIS are they going to put on their covers every other month? (Answer: Beyonce and Jay-Z, probably.)
“Can I haz mah Strawmamaberry Shortcake now, mistah ice cweme man?” is probably what Brit Brit Spears is thinking in that picture and sadly, we’ll never have moments like that again. Because apparently, Daddy Spears has ended Charlie Ebersol’s contract with Brit Brit and is now interviewing new boyfriends who must know exactly where the beef jerky section of every San Fernando Valley-area Walmart is and won’t get all mad when the Cheetolings accidentally call him “Uncle Normal Guy Dave.” Memorizing the name of the new “uncle” that mommy brings home is hard.
Both TMZ and UsWeekly say that Brit Brit’s fans knew something was up when her Instagram was scrubbed clean of Charlie Ebersol’s face. I guess deleting your piece from your Instagram is the new version of cutting their face out of pictures while screaming the lyrics to an Alanis Morissette song. Some source tells TMZ that their 8-month-old love didn’t die because of anything messy. It just ended (read: They had one of those short-term contracts).
Charlie Ebersol’s mom is Susan Saint James, so it gives me the sads knowing that Brit Brit will never be the daughter-in-law of McMillan’s wife. But well, I know Brit Brit will find love again and will meet a true prince who won’t get all pissed off when she dutch ovens him for the 13th time during a sleepover. Brit Brit may have already found that prince in Louisiana.
Brit Brit spent her weekend in her homeland and she Instagrammed this picture:
(Update: I’m so hungover I forgot to post the picture the first time.) I’m still hungover so I thought his tank top read, “Prop Store.” I thought to myself, “DAMN! Daddy Spears isn’t even trying to hide where he gets Brit Brit’s prop boyfriends from.“
Grab a bottle of imported sparkling swan tears and pour one out for Gwyneth Paltrow’s current relationship, because it’s probably dead. According to Life & Style (via The Daily Mail), Gwyneth Paltrow is ready to uncouple from her secret-not-secret boyfriend of almost a year, American Horror Story creator Brad Falchuk. A friend of the come-to-life corn broom says that she wants to end whatever she had with Brad because all they did was fight.
“Gwyneth is breaking up with him. Things got very serious very fast, but lately all they did was fight all the time and she’s tired of it. Gwyn likes things a certain way and Brad didn’t cater to her, so they ended up bickering over the smallest things. She can be very fussy when it comes to food and Brad isn’t. Sometimes he just wanted to go out for a burger, which drove her crazy.”
I guess this means Brad won’t be joining The Goop Troop on their upcoming Hawaiian family vacation. “That lucky bastard” said Jennifer Lawrence.
So far neither Gwyneth nor Brad have said anything about their relationship, but I’m sure we’ll hear about their break up once Gwyneth decides to write about it for Goop.com. “Listen up, peasants. You may have heard that I had to dump my boyfriend after he tried to feed me a burger. I literally can’t even with that shit. A BURGER! I’m sorry, but was the invitation-only organic butcher shoppe out of hand-carved Wagyu beef spleen? And the burger was on a bun. Not an aged plank of Brazilian Rosewood or wrapped in a page from the Gutenberg Bible. Like, obvious I had to dump his ass. In the words of TLC, I don’t want no scrub.“
After three years together and nearly a year-and-a-half of being engaged, Emma Roberts and Evan Peters (aka Madison Montgomery/Maggie Esmerelda and Lobster Boy from American Horror Story) are calling it quits on their messy relationship. A source tells JustJared that the breakup was “amicable,” they’re “still friends,” they “have so many great memories together” and that there was “no drama whatsoever.” Damn, that source is really going hard. Does anyone know the legal limit for protesting? Because that source clearly doth protest too much.
Well, that’s it. It’s over. Looks like we’ll never get to hear a wedding-day story about a champagne-drunk Emma Roberts screaming out “I fucking DO NOT!” as she whips an entire three-tiered wedding cake at Evan Peters, all while their friends and family mouth the words “No more booze for them” to the bartender. God, it could have been so beautiful.
Even if their relationship wasn’t filled to the brim with dramatics, they most likely would have called it quits eventually. Emma is 24 and Evan is 28, and 24 and 28 is way too young to settle down in Hollywood years. You can’t tame the crotches of two wild Hollywood 20-somethings; you’ve got to let them roam free. Speaking of, here’s Emma leaving a bar in Hollywood last night without her engagement ring on.
I hope Bobby Flay isn’t getting too attached to his title of Messiest Public Divorce, because he might soon have to hand it over to WNBA players Glory Johnson and Brittney Griner. Take a look at that picture of Glory and Brittney on their wedding day back in May, because it’s going to come in very handy for when you say “Well, that escalated quickly” later.
Things started out OK. Brittney asked Glory to marry her back in August, and in January, they appeared on Say Yes To The Dress. Then it began to get all sorts of bad for Brittney and Glory a few weeks before their wedding. On April 22nd, Brittney and Glory got into a brawl at their home in Arizona that ended with both of them getting arrested for domestic violence. Brittney plead guilty to disorderly conduct and was ordered to complete a 26 week domestic violence counseling program (Glory’s case is still pending). Then two weeks later, Brittney and Glory were like “Fight? What fight?” and got married at the delicious-sounding Tapatio Cliffs Resort Phoenix on May 8th.
Then on June 4th, Glory announced that will be taking this season off because she’s knocked-up with a baby. Which is great, right? Not exactly. The day after Glory announced she’s got a tiny basketball in her net (I don’t know what that means), TMZ says Brittney filed for an annulment on their 28-day marriage. Brittney is claiming the marriage was based on “fraud and duress“, adding that Glory “pressured” her into marriage with “threatening statements.” Brittney also pulled a Sherri Shepherd by claiming she has no biological connection to the baby living in Glory’s womb.
Glory has responded to all this by posting (then deleting) an inspirational quote about “unperfect people” on Instragram. Maybe that’s part of the fraud Brittney was talking about? “Your honor, I was lead to believe I was marrying someone who didn’t use made-up words like unperfect.”
Although, I guess technically that should say “Nicki Minaj Has Maybe Called Off Her Maybe Engagement“, since she never really confirmed whether or not that Lil’ Miss Magic Jewels-looking rebound ring Meek Mill gave her was a pre-marriage ring. Regardless, if cryptic Instagram posts are to be believed, and they should be, because that’s where you go to let out your ~truth~, then it looks like she might have quit her whatever the hell it was she had with Meek Mill.
On Sunday, the Crank Yankers puppet factory’s closest living relative decided to maybe announce she was maybe having relationship problems by throwing up a couple random pictures on Instagram (I guess Facebook was down or something) and captioning them with words that sounded like they were lifted straight from my emo teen cousin anger journal.
In the grand tradition of The Bachelor and The Bachelorette, People says that the most recent Bachelor Chris Soules and rose collector Whitney Bischoff are over after six months of being engaged. I know, I really should have given you more time to prepare yourself for such BEYOND SHOCKING news. Feel free to send me the bill for whatever injuries you sustained when you passed out from the sheer shock of it all.
Prince Farming (yes that was a thing) and Whitney released a statement earlier today saying exactly what you think they’d say about their split – that they’ve “mutually and amicably decided to end their engagement” and that they “will continue to be supportive friends.” Uh huh. Sure. Skip ahead to six months from now when both of them are pulling an “I don’t know them” before awkwardly trying to change the subject.
Because I don’t love myself, I watched almost all of Chris and Whitney’s season of The Bachelor and I’m not surprised things didn’t work out between those two. He always had the same ‘bored narcoleptic badger’ look on his face whenever Whitney would talk at him. It was as if he was mentally counting down the seconds till he could hop in the hot tub and get his blurred-out boner on. Although to be fair, he had that look with everyone.
This marks the 19th time a couple from The Bachelor or The Bachelorette have called it quits. Would it be too bold of me to suggest that ABC might want to consider changing the name of the show to The 4-to-6 Week Engagement Ring Rental? It would make more sense.
The show that gave us the rebirth of the Vicodin-infused jewel that is Paula Abdul and created an all-evil, Kartrashian-making Satanic monster out of a leprechaun with Sun-In highlights will end after 13 years and 15 seasons. The 22-year-old in me who used to watch that mess religiously and even voted several times (You can judge me since I judge myself for that!) is bawling like Paula Abdul when her pharmacist at CVS would say the words: No more refills!
FOX announced this morning that American Idol has been renewed for one last time. Its 15th season will be its last. JLo, Harry Connick Jr., Keith Urban and Ryan Seacrest will all be back. American Idol started writing its own death certificate a few years ago when Simon Cowell and his furry tit pies left it to do the American version of the X-Factor. American Idol’s current ratings aren’t even close to what they were during its glory days. FOX burped this statement today:
“American Idol will begin its 15th — and final — season this January on FOX. A season-long celebratory event, American Idol XV will feature host Ryan Seacrest and judges Jennifer Lopez, Keith Urban and Harry Connick, Jr., as they search for the final Idol superstar and pay tribute to the past 14 seasons of amazingly talented contestants and the millions of fans who tweeted, texted and championed their Idols.”
Why even bother searching for one last Idol? Just like all the other winners of the past few years, the final Idol will be lucky if they’re able to book a gig at the opening of a strip mall in Oshkosh, Wisconsin. For its final season, American Idol should bring back some of its best losers (Sanjaya, Tatiana Del Toro, the thorn in my ass lip Kristy Lee Cook, William Hung, Carmen Rasmusen, Kevin Covais, Jim Verraros, etc…) and let them battle it out. Or better yet, American Idol’s final season should be devoted to finding out whatever happened to Brian Dunkleman:
(SPOILER ALERT: Brian Dunkleman exists and he’s spreading the truth on Twitter.)
And the final episode better feature a performance from American Idol’s greatest discovery: RHONETTA!
American Idol’s death would be in vain if Rhonetta and Paula Abdul don’t sing “Straight Up” together during the last show.
Lindsey Vonn announced on Facebook today that after almost three years with Tiger Woods, they have tossed their love away the same way one of his pieces tossed her tampon out of an SUV window before he fucked her. Whatever is left of Lindsey and Tiger’s love is now lying next to that used tampon in a Perkins parking lot in Florida.
Lindsey and Tiger caused a mass rolling of eyeballs two years ago when they both announced on Facebook that they were humping on each-other full time. So I guess it’s only fitting that she “announces” their break-up on Facebook too. She either owns stock in Facebook or she’s THAT friend who posts about her break-up on Facebook because she wants people to say shit to her like, “Oh, you’re SO much better than him, honey!” (If that’s what Lindsey wanted, it didn’t work, because one of the first comments under her Facebook post is: “WE DON’T GIVE A SHIT GIRL.”) Here’s what Lindsey dribbled out on FB:
“After nearly three years together, Tiger and I have mutually decided to end our relationship. I will always cherish the memories that we’ve created together. Unfortunately, we both lead incredibly hectic lives that force us to spend a majority of our time apart. I will always admire and respect Tiger. He and his beautiful family will always hold a special place in my heart.”
Translation: “It’s very hard to keep a relationship going when you’re always in different places and in his case, by ‘different places’ I mean his side piece’s snatch.”
Tiger shat up his own break-up statement to the world on his site and I don’t know if I should take the first line as shade or not:
“Lindsey and I have mutually decided to stop dating. I have great admiration, respect and love for Lindsey and I’ll always cherish our time together. She has been amazing with Sam and Charlie and my entire family. Unfortunately, we lead very hectic lives and are both competing in demanding sports. It’s difficult to spend time together.”
This whole break-up feels weird. I mean, I don’t remember reading a tell-all in The National Enquirer from a Waffle House waitress who claims that Tiger bareback boned her on the bed he shares with Lindsey and I don’t remember seeing a TMZ story about how Lindsey read a text he wrote to one of his side pieces and chased him out of the house while waving one of her skis at him. If Tiger breaks up with a woman and there’s no drama behind it, did they really break up? But really, it’s shocking that a big ass cheater with a wandering dick and a chick who hates the sport he plays professionally couldn’t make it work.