The itchy-looking romance of our time appears to be over just as quickly as it began. 19-year-old Bella Thorne and 34-year-old Scott Disick’s casual hookup has been cut tragically short in its prime.
After dating for almost a year and a half, Amy Schumer and her boyfriend Ben Hanisch are done. Amy’s rep announced the news with a very generic statement.
“Amy and Ben have ended their relationship after thoughtful consideration and remain friends.”
Wow, no “It is with a heavy heart…” even? At least dress it up a little. It also kind of sounds like this breakup was the equivalent to a shrug, which is a bit of a surprise. Earlier this month, Howard Stern asked Amy if she was in love with Ben, who she met on a dating app. She replied, “Hell yeah” and said that she would “Maybe” marry him.
Ben Hanisch is a Chicago-based furniture designer, so this could be the last we ever hear of him. Or who knows, maybe he got a taste of sweet lady fame and will attempt to channel that $70 haircut and suburban good looks into an attempt at becoming the next Bachelor. Amy is a famous person, which means she’ll stay single until her publicist starts dropping hints that it’s time to get out there and be seen with someone at whatever next month’s Catch will be.
Since it’s almost summer, I say that Amy should make the most out of it and try to stay unattached until at least September. Summer is a great time to be free and casual. There’s nothing like putting your mouth on as many random mouths that taste like Hawaiian Punch and orange vodka as possible while trying to ignore all the sweat rolling down your business.
On February 6 of last year, Elle King, singer and Rob Schneider’s kid, announced she was getting married to her boyfriend of two weeks Andrew Ferguson. Elle and Andrew made plans to get married this April, but their wedding didn’t happen. Around the time she was supposed to get married, she claimed to have “skipped out” on her wedding. Yesterday, Elle announced on Instagram that she’s divorcing Andrew, because as it turns out, they had actually gotten secret married less than a week after they got engaged.
“We secretly got married 3 weeks after we met on 2/14/2016. It was and will forever be, one of the happiest days of my life. This photo was taken today, 5/15/2017. A month after what should have been our big wedding ceremony. My heart is broken. My soul aches. I am lost. He is the greatest love of my life. He is my best friend. As we separate, and attempt to find our footing through life, all I can hope for us is that we both find happiness within ourselves. I love you. You’ll always have my heart. You’ll always be my first husband. Please be respectful of our emotions and our space during this time. Everybody thought I lost my mind and I did. So, be kind.”
Elle doesn’t say why she and Andrew decided to get divorced, but it sounds like it’s a crappy situation for them. I would assume calling off your not-secret follow-up wedding to your secret wedding isn’t a decision one takes lightly. But I’ll be honest, I’m shocked to hear this news. Who would have thought that the marriage of a famous-ish rock-style musician to her boyfriend of a mere three weeks would have lasted longer than a year?
TMZ says that Jesse Williams, the star of Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2 (oh yeah, he’s in that Grey’s Anatomy shit too) and his real estate wife, Aryn Drake-Lee, have decided to partake in Hollywood’s second favorite sport after butchering your favorite childhood classics. I’m talking about divorce. TMZ says that either Jesse or Aryn, they don’t know which one, filed for divorce last week. They’ve been together since 2008 and made two kids: 3-year-old Sadie and 18-month-old Maceo. Sources say that their break up is “amicable,” but well….. If those blind items are true, then TMZ’s sources’ definition for “amicable” must be: sloppy, messy and smelling like side trick cooze.
Well, at least we’ll always have that magnificently acted scene from Mariah’s World that proved that Mimi and Bryan Tanaka are the Katharine Hepburn and Sir Laurence Olivier of our time. Anybody who watched that scene isn’t surprised by this news, because Mimi and Bryan had as much heat as the opened box of baking soda that’s been sitting in the back of your refrigerator for 10 years and any relationship that has that much passion is destined to blow the hell up.
If you live near one of Aaron Rodgers’ family members, I’m sure you’ve got a pair of industrial-strength ear plugs shoved into your hearing holes, because you just can’t take the sound of them partying and hollerin’ while celebrating the fact that may never have to see Olivia Munn’s current face live and in person again!