Pour out that venti Americano with a splash of almond milk from Starbucks (actually don’t, because that mess probably cost you like $45 and there’s no need to waste it on these two), because Ben Affleck and Lindsay Shookus have left us SHOOKus once again by delivering the sequel to their first break up. They have ended things again. My thoughts and prayers are with the entire coffee industry who are definitely shaking in fear over their future now that coffee’s IT couple has broken up. The shoulder of Juan Valdez’s donkey is probably covered in his tears as he cries on his sidekick over this awful news.
The Wall Street Journal claimed this week that Lauren Sanchez’s Trump-loving gay brother, Michael Sanchez, sold her out to The National Enquirer for $200,000 by giving them sexts between her and Jeff Bezos. The WSJ also said that Michael gave the Enquirer dick pics that Jeff texted Lauren. Michael denied that he gave Jeff’s dick pics to the Enquirer. But now he’s telling Page Six that he did help the Enquirer with their exposé on Jeff and Lauren allegedly cheating on their spouses by bumping home wrecking fuck parts. Michael claims he made a deal with the Enquirer to help his sister. No word if “sister” is his nickname for his checking account, but one source claims that his acts of greedy buffoonery may have fucked up his sister’s chances at becoming a billionaire’s second wife!
Now that Cupid is done shooting everyone in the ass for another year, he must be on a very much needed vacation, or dead, because this news only proves that there’s no such thing as love anymore. Lady Gaga has been engaged to talent agent Christian Carino for the past four months, and now there’s a rumor saying that they’re done. Just in time for the Oscar voting deadline!
It’s only a matter of time before Jeff Lewis is officially gay Scrooge and is holed up by his lonesome in his immaculately renovated Los Feliz mansion, and has to resort to yelling at the air or screaming at the Postmates delivery person who quickly drops his taco salad on the doorstep before running off. Because soon, there won’t be a living thing in the Los Angeles area that hasn’t completely washed their hands of Jeff Lewis and his signature asshole ways. He’ll have nobody to yell at anymore!
My favorite part of Bravo’s Flipping Out, Jeff’s longtime housekeeper/queen of the house Zoila quit his ass a while ago and their relationship isn’t what it used to be. Jeff’s longtime assistant Jenni Pulos left in a train wreck of a split. Even Bravo is probably done with Jeff, and the surrogate who carried his daughter is so done with him that she’s suing him for shaming her coochie on camera by calling it hairy and big (I know, Jeff is bold for shaming a vagina while he’s got deflated vagina lips on his mouth). And now Jeff’s professional and personal partner is done with him. He’s announced that Gage Edward (or Barbie Bitch as Zoila called him) has moved out of their house.
In news that nobody should be surprised to hear: Cardi B and Offset haven broken up after about 15 months of marriage. That’s about 14 months and 29 days longer than anyone thought they’d last, so congrats to them for beating the odds. Cardi B confirmed the news in an Instagram post saying that her and Offset were done, ending a year off blissful not-technically-open-but-he-passed-the-peen-anyway marriage.