Kaley Cuoco moved one-time pro tennis player Ryan Sweeting into her house after their first blind date, and three months later they were engaged, and three months after that they were married. Bitch was like a Jennifer Love Hewitt in heat. She was ready for that ring. Because they got married faster than a strict Catholic after finding out she’s knocked up, us bitter hating bitches gave the marriage a total of 11 months max. But well, Kaley and Ryan really showed us, because they lasted 21 months! I guess Kaley’s high from being a good old-fashioned little housewife ended, because her rep tells People that she and her man are getting divorced.
“Kaley Cuoco and Ryan Sweeting have mutually decided to end their marriage. They ask for privacy at this time. No further statement will be issued regarding this matter.”
I hope Kaley rebounds with her ex-pap stroller Henry Cavill, because I really miss their shameless STUNT QUEEN struts to the supermarket.
And well, Kaley got her wedding date (12/31/13) tattooed on her back, so I’m guessing she’s either going to be spending a little time with a laser in the near future or she’s hunting for a dude she can quickie marry on New Year’s Eve.
But seriously, it’s Fall and the Summer of Splits is still eating true love whole. Just this week we learned that Glenn Close is single and today we find out that Amanda Carrington AND Kaley Cuoco are getting a divorce. I’m just going to go ahead and take a wild guess and say that all these women are divorcing their dudes, because Jon Hamm is single and they want to spend all their free time trying to catch the Hammaconda. I don’t blame them.
Here’s Kaley and her future ex-husband at some event last month.
I guess this week’s theme is, “Hos You Forgot Were Dating Until It Was Announced That They’re No Longer Dating.”
Amy Poehler and Nick Kroll (the billionaire’s son from Kroll Show and the dude from The League who didn’t lie about almost dying in 9/11) were smashing their fuck parts together for 2 years, but they’re not anymore. A source tells UsWeekly that Amy and the butcher and bearded Chris Kattan just couldn’t make it work, because she’s so busy and he’s so busy and they couldn’t find the time to be busy together.
“Unfortunately, they just couldn’t make the relationship work with their schedules,” says one insider close to the Parks and Recreation actress, 44, and the Kroll Show star, 37.
Upcoming projects constantly came between Kroll and the mom of two (she shares Archie, 6, and Abel, 5, with ex-husband Will Arnett). “They really tried, but it just wasn’t realistic anymore,” adds the source. “They were spending more time apart than together.”
Whenever Hollywood types break up, some source usually burps out some generic crap about how they had to dump their relationship into the gutter because they were just never ever together. Er, I thought that not seeing each other’s faces for long periods of time was one of the keys to a long-lasting happy relationship. Doesn’t absence makes the heart and genitals grow fonder? You know, after not seeing each other for weeks, they’d go into a room together, get naked, hump for a while, light up a joint, say a total of 16 words about what they’ve been up to and get dressed before going back to their oh-so-fucking busy schedules. That seems like the perfect relationship to me! I’m guessing that the real reason they broke up is because the Hammaconda is on the loose now and Amy wants a huge piece of that. Now that’s a good reason to dump a trick.
A couple of months ago, Star Magazine said that Jon Hamm and Jennifer Westfeldt’s 18 year love was about as dead as the feeling in her face after she makes her plastic surgeon inject another gallon of Botox and other fillers into her mug. The source said then that Jennifer decided to break up with Jon Hamm, because his obese Hammaconda dick just wasn’t doing it for her anymore and she started talking to a 52-year-old Mexican man she met on SizeQueens.com. No, apparently Jennifer wants kids and Jon doesn’t. A couple of weeks later, that break-up rumor was killed when Jon and Jennifer were seen “canoodling” at a party.
There were also rumors about them splitting up back in April after he got out of rehab. They shat on that rumor too. But it’s really over this time, because they have pulled out a generic break-up statement from their publicist’s folder of generic statements and released it to People:
“With great sadness, we have decided to separate, after 18 years of love and shared history. We will continue to be supportive of each other in every way possible moving forward.”
What’s sort of weird is that they announced this on a holiday in the US. Maybe they did that because they’re hoping nobody will make a big deal about it and move on quickly. Or maybe they released that statement today because one of the tabloids is planning to put out an ESCANDALOSO story about their breakup and they want to get ahead of it. Maybe Jon Hamm is really on trend and they broke up because he fucked the nanny. Before you say that they don’t have kids so they obviously don’t have a nanny, let me ask you this. Who do you think bathes, feeds, burps and grooms the Hammaconda? That’s a full-time job and neither of them have the time for that shit!
If scientists in California can find a way to turn maple syrup into drinkable water, the drought will be over forever. Because I fully expect Canada to cry out billions of gallons of maple syrup tears over their answer to Duchess Kate and Prince William breaking up for real. And those maple syrup tears will eventually trickle down to California. I better start making some pancakes.
Almost exactly a year ago, cherubs quit their jobs and joined Linked In, because there was a rumor that Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s unholy union was permanently broken thanks to him sticking his Canadian sausage into groupie skanks. If Avril and Chad’s love can’t last forever, then love is a lie and there’s no use for cherubs. Thankfully, the meaning of love was restored when the Sun-In bottle full of used douche water denied that he had split from Avril. But well, that happiness didn’t last long. Today, the cherubs have dropped their arrows and are looking for new jobs, because Avril announced on Instagram that she and her hairy butt chin-having husband are fucking done personally and professionally. She said see you later, boi.
It is with heavy heart that Chad and I announce our separation today. Through not only the marriage, but the music as well, we’ve created many unforgettable moments. We are still, and forever will be, the best of friends, and will always care deeply for each other. To all our family, friends and fans, thank you sincerely for the support.
All together now: NOOOOOOOOOO, eh.
Not only did they announce that they’re 2-year marriage is done, but they announced that they’re done making music together too. They just had to stab us in the chest and then piss on the wound.
It is a sad day for love. It is a sad day for music. It is a sad day for Canada. Canada no longer has a royal couple. Canada, I think I speak for all Americans when I say that we’ll be happy to lend you our royal couple, Kanye West and Kim Kartrashian, until your broken hearts fully heal. (May your broken hearts never heal.)
I see the Summer of the Split has decided to move on from married people to almost-married people. Watch out, casually fucking, you’re next.
UsWeekly says that Robin Wright and her younger ginger piece Ben Foster have decided to call it quits on the whole “being engaged” thing. Again. A source tells UsWeekly that their love hit the rim of the trash can about a month ago after 7 months of being engaged. Robin and Ben reportedly stopped returning their wedding planner’s phone calls the first time because she couldn’t deal with their work schedules and the 14-year age gap between them. And this time…well, it’s pretty much the same shit. A source claims that Robin and Ben “were still having the same issues” after they joined the two-timer engaged club back in January, which means Ben is still 14 years younger than Robin and they’re both busy. Goddamnit Ben, would it have killed you to quit your job and focus on learning how to rapidly age 14 years? It’s like you don’t even care about this second engagement!
It’s really too bad that Robin and Ben have quit each other again. Robin has said in the past that Ben’s dick does her insides better than any other, so today you should be pouring one out for Robin’s down-lows and praying that she soon finds comfort in another. Good dick at frequent intervals is a terrible thing to lose.
Damn, that body language! If those two could be any farther apart, they’d need a fish eye lens to shoot them.
So it looks like the Summer of the Split has claimed another set of victims. UsWeekly is saying that Megan Fox has thrown her five year marriage to Brian Austin Green in the “Do not want” pile alongside her old face and that Marilyn Monroe tattoo. An “insider” (that gossipy bitch Donatello, no doubt) tells UsWeekly that Megan walked away from David Silver six months ago and they’re officially separated. Megan and Brian have been a thing for 11 years and share two kids together, 2-year-old Noah and 18-month-old Bodhi.
UsWeekly says they’re still not sure why Megan and BAG are calling it quits, but that sources have told them that shit has “been rocky.” I think that’s code for Megan scrolling through her husband’s cellphone and finding Facebook friend requests from that clingy clinger Donna Martin. Or maybe those blind items were right, and he was slipping his trouser BAG (I don’t know what that means either) to random side-pieces.
But one thing is for sure: now that Megan is semi-single again, there’s a very good chance the first suitor to come a-callin’ will be Shia LaBeouf. If I were Megan, I’d start warning my neighbors now to invest in a good set of earplugs, because it’s only a matter of time before they’re woken up at 3am by the sound of Shia holding an on-fire boombox over his head and screaming “JUST DO IT!!!! JUST DATE ME AGAIN!!!!”
Melodramatic bitches called in a priest to read True Love its last rites when Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck announced their divorce. Please, True Love didn’t even take an aspirin or go on WebMD after hearing that break-up news. Other melodramatic bitches said that they saw True Love lying dead on the side of the road when Miranda Lambert and Blake Shelton divorced. Meanwhile, True Love didn’t even go to urgent care over that news. True Love did call in sick when Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale announced they’re done, but it felt better while laughing over those STUNT QUEENS Miss Piggy and Kermit the Frog pulling an obvious fake break-up to promote their new show. Well, that was True Love’s last laugh, because now it really is in a coffin buried six feet under. It died after that pretty one who used to be in One Direction and that Perrier girl broke up. RIP (for real) True Love!
People says that Zayn Malik and Perrie Edwards of the group Little Mix are over and they’re not getting married anymore. They got engaged in August 2013. Zayn dumped her and now Perrier is a carbonated puddle of sads.
Malik, 22, contacted Edwards, also 22, two weeks ago and said it was over.
“She’s been putting on a brave face, as Little Mix have had promotion to do, but she’s obviously devastated,” the source tells PEOPLE
When Zayn quit the easy money train called One Direction, he said that he just wants to live like a normal 22-year-old and spend time with his family and fiancee. Zayn dumped his fiancee and signed a new record deal, so he obviously meant every word he said.
Well, I hope Zayn is happy now, because True Love is forever dead and it will never rise again…. unless Alexander Skarsgard and Michael Fassbender fall in love, get married and leak an HD sex tape. (They’re our only hope.)
Here’s the remaining members of One Erection on Good Morning America today.
If you just saw a bolt of lighting with black 2009 Bieber hair run on by you while screaming, “We can now be together, Gaviiiiiiin,” don’t worry. It’s just Peter Robinson (aka Marilyn) going to get his man.
This summer has been like Christmas on steroids to divorce lawyers in Hollywood, because everyone has decided to throw their marriage into a shallow grave. Even Gwen Stefani and Gavin Rossdale, which I didn’t see coming even with all the blind items about their asses. TMZ says that Gwen has filed papers to legally end her 13-year-marriage to Gavin. In the divorce papers, Gwen said that “irreconcilable differences” is the reason why she wants to end their marriage and she’s asking for joint custody of 9-year-old Kingston, 6-year-old Zuma Nesta and a 1-year-old Apollo. Those of us who are fans of crazy celebrity baby names are shedding tears, because think of what Gwen and Gavin would’ve named their fourth child.
Gavin obviously saw the divorce coming and agrees with it. His lawyer Laura Wasser (aka the Divorce Lawyer Queen of Hollywood) filed his response at the same time that Gwen filed for divorce. TMZ’s sources say that Gwen and Gavin didn’t sign a prenup when they got married, so they’ll probably split everything 50/50. She’s apparently worth $80 million while he’s worth $35 million. Gwen doesn’t want to pay Gavin spousal support.
Gwen and Gavin released the statement that all married celebrity parents release when they file for divorce:
“While the two of us have come to the mutual decision that we will no longer be partners in marriage, we remain partners in parenthood and are committed to jointly raising our three sons in a happy and healthy environment. To that end, we respectfully request privacy from the media during this time.”
First Blake Shelton gets a divorce and now Gwen Stefani! It’s THE CURSE of The Voice! Adam Levine has been married for a little over a year and that’s 11 months longer than I thought he’d be married. So if he wants out, he just found an out. “Behati, it’s over between us. Blame it on The Voice curse…and my peen’s appetite for new cooch.”
And does this mean that Gwen is going to write and record Tragic Kingdom: The Sequel?
Here’s Gwen a few days ago leaving Whole Foods with two of her sons after spending half of her net worth there, I’m sure.
Pics: Splash, Getty
Now that the tabloids have successfully called the end of Jennifer Garner and Ben Affleck’s marriage (hey, it only took them 5 years and 498 covers stories to do so), they can go back to focusing on the demise of Will Smith and Jada Pinkett Smith’s 17-year-old union. Ever since Dlisted started, it feels like I’ve squirted out a post about the death of Will and Jada’s marriage at least a couple of times a year, but Radar says that it’s definitely happening this time. I refuse to believe this until bong philosopher Jaden Smith tweets out something like, “Divorce isn’t a goodbye, it’s a hello in the form of a seed that grows into a flower that represents our true selves.”
Radar’s source says that Will and Jada’s marriage has been on its death bed for a while, but whenever they’re out in public, they act like they’re still hungry for each other’s genitals. They’re apparently tired of pretending like their circle of infinite love is still intact, so they’ve decided to end it for once and for all. They’ve already told their kids and plan to tell everyone else at the end of the summer. The source put it like this:
“For Will and Jada, holding it together these past few years has been tough because their marriage has been on life support for a long time. They’re exhausted from trying to maintain the façade of a happy union. They’ve decided to pull the plug in a carefully choreographed manner, [and] agree announcing their split at the end of the summer is the right move.
[They have already] worked out a confidential settlement to protect their $240 million fortune, and prepared their kids [son Jaden, 17, and daughter Willow, 14] for the fallout.”
If this is true, then I have a few questions. Who is going to get custody of Tom Cruise?! How many of their alleged side whores will sell a story about their open marriage to the tabloids? And more importantly, how will we overwork our eye rolling muscle if Will and Jada are over and she can no longer go on about how her pussy turns into a strung out crackhead with the shakes if it doesn’t get at least one daily injection from her husband’s dick?
Halle Berry was papped wearing her wedding ring while doing shopping stuff with her daughter Nahla Aubry in Beverly Hills, CA the other day, but Radar (I know, I know) says that her ring may soon find itself hitting Olivier Martinez’s face after she throws it at him before filing for divorce.
A source tells Radar that Halle Berry and her husband of only 2 years Olivier Martinez are separated and living in different places. He’s living in Malibu while she’s living with their 21-month-old son Maceo and her daughter in the Hollywood Hills. Apparently, their relationship started circling the drain only a year into their marriage. I always thought that Halle Berry got life from drama, but the source says that even she has her limits and she can’t deal with Olivier Martinez’s temper anymore. Olivier, of course, went batshit on Nahla’s father Gabriel Aubry and he followed that up by smearing a pap at LAX. After the messiness at LAX, Halle told Olivier that their marriage will be over unless he goes to therapy. I guess he never went, because he’s close to becoming Halle Berry’s third ex-husband. The source spit this out:
“It seems Halle and Olivier have finally hit the end of the road. They’ve weathered a lot of ups and downs in their relationship – but recently, Olivier has been completely MIA. Halle is telling pals she worries that Olivier’s runaway temper could put her kids at risk. They’ve just been delaying the inevitable split.”
Halle and Olivier won’t even have to announce that they’ve filed for divorce. We’ll know the minute one of them files for divorce, because her child custody lawyers will be seen busting into a kick line down the street as they sing, “We’re in the money, the skies are sunny,” while making their way to the Lamborghini dealership. Halle and Gabriel’s child support fight will have NOTHING on Halle and Olivier’s child custody battle.
That’s probably why the court in California rejected Kelly Rutherford’s case. They knew that they’ll soon have their hands completely full while dealing with Halle and her two crazy baby fathers.