Poor lovelorn d-bag Robin Thicke. According to TMZ, releasing a serial killer-y album full of stalker ballads that sold all of 50 copies hasn’t won back the affections of his estranged wife Paula Patton like he thought it would. I know, I’m shocked too; who of us wouldn’t swoon to the moon and back if the human equivalent of gonorrhea wrote you a bunch of songs that sound like a 15-year-old’s crappy LiveJournal poetry?
A source (Alan Thicke’s magic talking penis) tells TMZ that Robin has put their house up for sale and hired an attorney to split up their assets. Paula hasn’t lived in the house since February, but neither she nor Robin have hired a divorce lawyer yet. You hear that Robin? She doesn’t have a divorce lawyer yet! Quick, start recording a follow-up to Paula called Paula Don’t Call Trope and Trope!
Obviously this could all be just another jenga block in the publicity stunt pyramid Robin and Paula have been building since he was photographed with his hand up a skank’s ass, but I think he’s actually selling his house because he was probably having a tough time getting laid. Most true-blue sluts have a sixth sense for detecting the presence of a bottom bitch in the atmosphere (usually by way of a tingle in their pussy or gag reflex). So every time Robin brought a new blonde trick home, they no doubt would freeze upon entry, put their hand to their pussy like a slutty psychic and ask “Did a wife or a long-term girlfriend used to live here? I’m sensing drama. I should go.”
Congratulations to Canadian American daisy petal Pamela Anderson! When she married her third ex-husband Rick Salomon for the second time in January, we all thought they’d annul the hell out of that marriage as soon as the coke buzz wore off. But she somehow managed to make it to 6 months before she thought to herself, “Eh, I’m bored of this peen again, NEXT!”
TMZ says that Pamela is getting one failed marriage closer to taking down Elizabeth Taylor’s record, because last Thursday she filed papers to legally kill her marriage to Parasite Hilton’s sex tape partner. Pamela checked the box next to “irreconcilable differences” as the reason why she’s done with this marriage, because “craving new dick” wasn’t listed as a reason. TMZ also says that Rick Salomon won $2.8 million in a poker tournament last Tuesday, two days before she filed to quit his ass, and if they don’t have a prenup, she might be able to get her hands around half of that money. Holding out on divorcing her husband until after his big poker tournament has earned Pamela Anderson a bright shining star on The Gold Digger Walk of Fame, because that is a genius move.
Let’s go over Pamela’s marriage history… Pamela first put on a wedding ring when she married Tommy Lee in 1995 and they divorced three years later. Pamela jumped on and off Tommy Lee’s Wienermobile dick for a few years before marrying Kid Pebble in 2006. Pamela kicked the sanctity of marriage in the anus hole a year later when she made Kid Pebble her second ex-husband. The same year that Pamela quit Kid Pebble, she married Rick Soloman for the first time. They lasted for four months before they annulled their marriage due to FRAUD. They forgot about the whole FRAUD thing and married again last January and now they’re over again.
You know how some hos say that break-up sex is the best kind of sex? Maybe Pamela Anderson is way past that and she can only bust a nut if she’s freshly divorced from the dude. So I’m sure as soon as their divorce is final, these marriage-abusing sluts are going to start having hot divorce fuck times and then when she gets bored with that, she’ll marry him a third time, and then divorce him a third time so she can have more hot divorce fuck times. They’ll keep doing that over and over again. Divorce is totally Pamela’s fetish of choice. That sick bitch.
Maybe it’s all the BBQ maple leaves I ate yesterday, but that hat sort of looks like a friendly penis stingray.
Former homeless Alaskan folk singer and current owner of some serious Magic Eye titties, Jewel, has confirmed in a blog post published Wednesday (TIL: Jewel has a blog) that after 16 years together, she and her professional bull riding husband Ty Murray are getting divorced. Damn, if a squinty snaggle-toothed yodeller and a sassy lil’ cowboy pixie can’t make it work, what hope is there for the rest of us??
“Ty and I have always tried to live the most authentic life possible, and we wanted our separation as husband and wife to be nothing less loving than the way we came together. For some time we have been engaged in private and difficult, but thoughtful and tender undoing of ourselves. Allowing ourselves the time and space to redefine what we are to each other with love rather than with malice.”
I guess “tender undoing” is the country version of “conscious uncoupling”. As much as I want to believe that they’re calling it quits because Ty was caught getting a hand-job from a bull, I think it’s more likely the result of hooking up in 1998. Nothing good came out of 1998! That was the year that gave us both Furbys AND the Matthew Broderick Godzilla. Literally the only non-turd from 1998 was Rose McGowan at the VMAs, but everyone knows an ass that looks like two melons in a plastic grocery bag is never a sure sign that love is meant to last.
Well, here’s some sad, tragic news for those of you who thought that the eternal love between the Nasonex bee and the Botox puppet formerly known as Tess McGill would last as long as the chemicals in her face (read: FOREVER). TMZ says that Melanie Griffith recently filed divorce papers to legally and officially make Antonio Banderas her third ex-husband. Let the river of Botoxed tears RUN!
According to TMZ, Melanie hired divorce attorney to the STAHS Laura Wasser (Side note: TMZ always calls Laura Wasser the “disso-queen” and I always read that as disco queen and I get a little tingle thinking of a divorce attorney arguing in front of a judge while wearing a velvet jumpsuit, gold platform heels and a fro). Melanie threw up the words “irreconcilable differences” next to “reason for quitting that bitch” on the documents. Melanie is asking for spousal support, child support and full custody of their almost 18-year-old daughter Stella. Melanie didn’t list their official break up date. Melanie has been married three times before (twice to Don Johnson) and Antonio was married to that hot bitch Madge was jealous of in Truth or Dare.
Melanie and Antonio got married in May 1996 after she left Don Johnson and he left his wife. Melanie birthed out their daughter a few months later. A couple of years ago, there was a rumor that Melanie and Antonio’s marriage was on its death bed because of her issues with pills and the sweet nectar and his issues with wanting to stick his chorizo in any chocha that didn’t belong to Melanie Griffith. At the time, Melanie and Antonio denied those rumors and here we are now.
A couple of weeks ago, a Spanish tabloid posted pictures of Antonio putting his lips near another trick at Cannes.
I’m guessing that Melanie blamed “irreconcilable differences” as the reason for her married dying like the nerves in her face, because “my husband is a slut and I’m sick of it” wasn’t an option. The L.A. County court system should really add that option.
We can all learn something from this. If you really want to tattoo your piece’s name into your flesh because you think your love is going to last forever, do it at your own risk. It usually ends with you and your wallet screaming in pain as you get laser tattoo removal. But luckily for Melanie, she can get a tattoo artist to easily turn that heart into a slice of pizza and turn “Antonio” into “Totino’s.” That would be a smart move, because the love between a human and frozen pizza never dies.
And here’s Melanie looking as happy and fresh as a wax Madame puppet while posing with Eva Longoria and Rosanna Arquette at AFI’s tribute to Jane Fonda in L.A. last night.
Pics: Wenn.com, Getty
JLo would like everyone to know that her leased piece Casper The Oh-So Friendly Boy Toy didn’t “cheat” on her when he text fucked another trick. Casper didn’t cheat on Jenny from Rodeo Drive, because they were already broken up! In other words, JLo’s people added a few gift certificates to the glory hole to his severance package to say that they broke up in April, because NOBODY cheats on JLo!
Last month, The Dirty posted an Instagram conversation between Casper and a bikini model named Sofie Vissa, who’s transgendered. Sofie later told InTouch that she and Casper never slurped on each other’s fuck parts, but they did exchange “racy” pictures and she gave him a picture of her in her full naked glory. The story was turning into a major ESCANDALO (not at all), so this morning, UsWeekly, TMZ and People said they heard from a source (Hi, JLo’s spokesbitch) that Casper moved his toys out of the playroom and collected his last check two months ago. UsWeekly’s source spit this out about the buff frog changing his job title from “boy toy” to “unemployed boy toy” after two and a half years.
“It has actually been an amicable process that started a few months ago. It wasn’t an easy decision, but they decided to stay friends…Their relationship couldn’t work with the distance. He started trying to establish his own life and career, and she is so focused on hers, and they just couldn’t be all about each other anymore. [JLo] is fine. She’s so focused on promoting the album. They are both in a good place now.”
TMZ’s source (Hi, Casper!) says that it’s “laughable” that Casper wants Jenny with the Cock and would sext with a woman he knows is transgendered. Bitch, please. What’s really “laughable” is that anyone would want naked pictures of Casper’s frogger troll-looking ass. (Okay, I probably would, but that’s besides the point).
“Casper has been a single guy and can text or see whoever he wants, but the idea that he was knowingly texting a transsexual is laughable. He’s not that guy, but like a lot of single guys online he obviously likes to look at a ‘lil T and A.”
Casper and JLo were at the Billboard Awards together on May 18th, but People’s source explained that by saying that they were still taking a little extra time to fully, fully break up.
This cover up is messier than JLo’s live singing. Obviously, JLo tore up Casper’s contract when he violated it by getting caught sexting with somebody else and she’s trying to cover it up with this bullshit story, because nobody does her wrong. Why would anybody cheat on JLo!? Grown men have fought each other and died to get a piece of her ass. I think I learned about that in history class. Whatever, JLo is probably trolling playgrounds for her next toy and Casper is drying his tears on a random peen at the glory hole. No, he’s not crying, because he’s not with JLo anymore. He’s crying, because he’s out of a job!
Today, hipsters everywhere are pouring out a Red Solo Cup full of lavender and fennel-infused artisanal ale for the fallen hipster love they thought would last forever or at least until the next Sun Kil Moon album comes out. If a hipster couple who always dresses like roadies for The Culture Club can’t make it, what hipster couple can?
After 18 months of being married (which is 550 years in hipster years) and 10 months after her hipster vagine spit out their unnamed patchouli-scented hipster baby, Billy Elliot has decided to twirl away from Evan Rachel Wood. Evan and Jamie Bell’s rep pulled out their go-to generic break-up statement, changed the names and then released it to UsWeekly:
“Evan Rachel Wood and Jamie Bell have decided to separate. They both love and respect one another and will of course remain committed to co-parenting their son. This is a mutual decision and the two remain close friends.”
Uh huh, we’ll see how close they’ll remain when they have to divide up their joint collection of foreign movie poster t-shirts, obscure 70s band vinyls and porcelain Danish figurines of old ladies carrying laundry. Poor Auden Pabst Sage (I’m guessing that’s what they named their kid) is going to witness an all-out hipster war.
I ranted about this when they got married, but I’m going to bring it up again. This would’ve never happened if they didn’t get married on a Tuesday. A Tuesday!
Sofia Vergara and her fiancé Nick Loeb, who’s always looked like a mash-up of a Fun House Mirror Hugh Grant and Alice the Goon to me, have always been a messy, messy couple. Even though they’re a wreck, I thought they would get married, have a little kid and be that couple who gets the cops called on them after they get into a physical brawl at their child’s kindergarten graduation. But Sofia and Nick aren’t going to get married and they probably aren’t going to have a kid that they’ll fuck up. Sofia wrote on WhoSay last night that Nick isn’t going to drown in her chichis while motorboating anymore, because they’re over. Sofia wrote that shit has been getting worse and worse and the fun is over:
“Not that anyone should care, but in order to not give the press the chance to invent crazy and hurtful drama, I prefer to tell my fans personally that Nick and I have decided to be apart. We have been having too many problems with figuring out how to spend time together and because of my work and now his, its been getting worse and worse. Not fun anymore. We are still very close but we believe it’s the best thing for us right now.”
“Figuring out how to spend time together…” is a funny way of saying that Sofia was sick of coming home and finding Nick snorting coke out of a call girl’s pussy while another call girl licked his ass on their bed. When you’ve worked a long day, the last thing you want to do is scrub your fiance’s ass juices and random cooch juice out of your sheets.
Well, the good news is that whoever Sofia dates next would be a total upgrade. Now’s your chance, Eric Stonestreet.
If you own a company that makes Kleenex, maple syrup ice cream, or Boys on the Side DVDs, go ahead and order 3 Golden Corral chocolate wonderfalls for the company Christmas party, because it’s about to be a very good week for you. According to Us Weekly, Wheelchair Jimmy aka Ms. Drake if you’re nasty is laying on the couch in his Toronto Raptors Snuggie, eating ice cream from the tub with his bare hands and bursting into tears every time he sees a commercial for Zales, because he and RiRi are OVAH. Someone better call Canada and tell them to put the Queen back on the loonie; it looks like there won’t be a Canadian Princess after all.
“Rihanna and Drake had another fight,” a source tells Us. “He is too in love with her, which has always been the problem. They have been fighting, but that could all change any day now. It is how it always is with them.”
The love that blossomed between the lukewarm bowl of Red River (aka Canada’s oatmeal) and the horny Barbadian blunt-puffer began but a mere three months ago, and already it has been taken out back and given the Old Yeller treatment for the same reason it ended the first time: Wheelchair Jimmy was organizing all the R+WJ monogrammed items in his hope chest while RiRi’s pussy lips were texting every contact in her phone “Yo, u awake? Mi hornee”.
Goddamnit, when is Drake going to learn you can’t tame a true blue slut! Rihanna doesn’t want to stay at home watching 7th Heaven on Netflix while you rub her feet and ask her if she’s had a tough day; she wants to roll around in a pile of strippers and air out her b-hole in French magazines and to hey-hey-hey-hey smoke weed everyday. She doesn’t want to be the Princess of Canada, she wants to be the Duchess of Sucking the Dirty D. Deal with it, Jimmy Brooks.
Well, this is escalating to an Angie Jordan-level of dramatic. It was announced only yesterday that Sherri Shepherd’s second husband Lamar Sally had filed for divorce nearly 3 years after they got married, and now TMZ is confirming that it’s getting messier than Sherri’s busted Sideshow Bob wig.
It was previously reported that Sherri had thrown Lamar out of the house, calling him a fraud because he claimed he was a Hollywood screenwriter, and yet spent more time dozing off on the couch to House Hunters marathons than at his typewriter. But TMZ says that Lamar has yanked the words from Sherri’s mouth, claiming that he wants spousal support and the prenup they signed invalidated based on – you guessed it – FRAUD. He doesn’t specify how Sherri is a fraudulent fraud, but if we’re only 24 hours into this divorce drama and we’re already throwing around the F-word, I have a feeling we’re about find out very soon.
Now, here’s where it gets really messy. Sherri and Lamar have a baby due at the end of June (via surrogate) and Lamar is seeking sole custody of the baby, with Sherri getting only visitation rights. So on top of spousal support, he’ll probably be seeking child support as well. Yeah, Lamar? You’re trying to convince people you’re a successful screenwriter, remember? Not a dollar-hungry gold digger. Get your fraud facts straight.
Poor Baby Shepherd Sally; it hasn’t even left its rented womb room yet and already its got drama-loving problem parents. “Don’t worry, there’s a support group that meets on Wednesdays. Let me know if you wanna carpool” – the worm growing in Tila Tequila.
TMZ says that Sherri “The German” Shepherd’s second husband, Lamar Sally (that’s kind of a hot name), filed legal papers to officially quit her ass after almost 3 years of marriage. So, Sherri’s second marriage eats shit after only 3 years, but it’s gays and lesbians getting married that is threatening to destroy the sanctity of marriage? Preach on, Sherri.
Radar says that so far, Sherri and Lamar’s break up is going to get really messy. Some source says that Sherri and Lamar’s marriage was fraudulent from the beginning, because she thought he was some big Hollywood screenwriter and since she’s got dried turds for brains and doesn’t know how to look up screenwriters on IMDB, she believed him. But the source says that Lamar isn’t selling scripts and even though he stays at home with her son Jeffrey, she doesn’t like that he doesn’t have a job. Well, that’s a good reason since traditional marriage vows say: “…I promise to love and cherish you till your unemployed status does us part .” The source spit this out:
“Their whole relationship was built on a fraud and it’s finally over. She’s thrown him out of the house and he’s tried to speak with her but nothing is happening. Lamar told Sherri that he was a big Hollywood player, with scripts being sold. But she’s tired of being married to a guy that doesn’t have a job.”
A different source tells Radar that Lamar was working on a show for HBO but it never got picked up.
I hope Sherri didn’t throw him out of the house too hard or else he probably fell off of side of the Earth since it’s flat and all. Even Jesus, who predates everything, figured that her second marriage would die like our brain cells when Sherri opens her mouth. I mean, Elisabeth Hasselbeck was a bridesmaid at her wedding. Shit was cursed from the beginning.
Pic: Life Style