Halle Berry was papped wearing her wedding ring while doing shopping stuff with her daughter Nahla Aubry in Beverly Hills, CA the other day, but Radar (I know, I know) says that her ring may soon find itself hitting Olivier Martinez’s face after she throws it at him before filing for divorce.
A source tells Radar that Halle Berry and her husband of only 2 years Olivier Martinez are separated and living in different places. He’s living in Malibu while she’s living with their 21-month-old son Maceo and her daughter in the Hollywood Hills. Apparently, their relationship started circling the drain only a year into their marriage. I always thought that Halle Berry got life from drama, but the source says that even she has her limits and she can’t deal with Olivier Martinez’s temper anymore. Olivier, of course, went batshit on Nahla’s father Gabriel Aubry and he followed that up by smearing a pap at LAX. After the messiness at LAX, Halle told Olivier that their marriage will be over unless he goes to therapy. I guess he never went, because he’s close to becoming Halle Berry’s third ex-husband. The source spit this out:
“It seems Halle and Olivier have finally hit the end of the road. They’ve weathered a lot of ups and downs in their relationship – but recently, Olivier has been completely MIA. Halle is telling pals she worries that Olivier’s runaway temper could put her kids at risk. They’ve just been delaying the inevitable split.”
Halle and Olivier won’t even have to announce that they’ve filed for divorce. We’ll know the minute one of them files for divorce, because her child custody lawyers will be seen busting into a kick line down the street as they sing, “We’re in the money, the skies are sunny,” while making their way to the Lamborghini dealership. Halle and Gabriel’s child support fight will have NOTHING on Halle and Olivier’s child custody battle.
That’s probably why the court in California rejected Kelly Rutherford’s case. They knew that they’ll soon have their hands completely full while dealing with Halle and her two crazy baby fathers.
If you’re like my mom and are wondering what a Cara Delevingne is and wondering why she was dating that movie starring the man from Groundhog Dog, I’ll break it down for you real quick. Cara Delaredvines is that model with the brows who was cokey clit wrestling with Michelle Rodriguez for a minute and St. Vincent makes music I like to listen to. They were together and apparently, they’re not together anymore.
Page Six says that St. Vincent is no longer being entertained by the sight of Cara’s obese caterpillar brows squirming around as she munches on that twat. 22-year-old Cara and 32-year-old St. Vincent were together for about 6 months. Before Cara, St. Vincent was with Carrie Brownstein and now Carrie Brownstein is scissoring with Piper from Orange is the New Black. Page Six puts it like this:
We’re told the breakup was recent, with the couple appearing on St. Vincent’s Instagram two weeks ago.
[Cara’s] rep didn’t comment. St. Vincent’s rep said they didn’t know about a split.
These two supposedly broke up in April and got back together shortly after. Yesterday, St. Vincent Instagrammed a picture of a guitar signed by David Bowie, which was a gift from Cara. Maybe they’re already back together? I don’t know. Page Six also didn’t say why they broke up again. But well, Cara Delawhatever is friends with the Jenner girls and that’s a deal breaker. “Your piece is friends with any trick directly related to Pimp Mama Kris” is a deal breaker right up there with “snorting while orgasming” and “wanting to sit in the same side of the booth at a restaurant.”
Here’s Cara at the Paper Towns premiere in L.A. with human philosopher bong Jaden Smith and those Jenner messes.
For a while, there’s been rumors from the tabloids that Blake Shelton and Miranda Lambert are about to take their marriage out back and shoot it dead, because his rogue dick keeps stumbling into a pussy that doesn’t belong to his wife and her coochie also hopped on peen that wasn’t attached to her husband’s body. Well, I guess it’s sometimes true what they say: where there’s smoke, there’s divorce lawyers filing papers for their clients. Because TMZ says that Blake filed for divorce on the shush a while ago and a judge is expected to officially end their 4-year-old marriage today. (UPDATE: It’s over. Officially.)
TMZ says that Blake and Miranda have already worked out all the money and property stuff. It wasn’t a battle, because they have a prenup and they both wanted to stick with the terms. Miranda gets to keep their house in Nashville and he gets to keep their ranch in Oklahoma. Miranda is leaving her dog (Blake) on the ranch in Oklahoma, but she’s been moving the rest of her animals (horses, a camel and a llama) off of the property. Blake and Miranda gave this break-up statement to UsWeekly:
“This is not the future we envisioned. And it is with heavy hearts that we move forward separately. We are real people, with real lives, with real families, friends and colleagues. Therefore, we kindly ask for privacy and compassion concerning this very personal matter.”
You probably put your ear to your window expecting to hear a cackle coming for Blake’s ex-wife (who he allegedly cheated on with Miranda), but got confused when you heard what sounded like a dog furiously lapping up water from a hose. Oh, that’s just Adam Levine’s juicy b-hole puckering as he skips to his lawyer’s office to also file for divorce from his wife, because now he and his true soulmate can finally be together.
If Glastonbury was still going on, a pair of wellies would’ve been hung on a pole at half-mast today, because the bohemian hipster duke and duchess of England may have wrapped their dead engagement in an antique lace tablecloth and buried it on a bed of dried wild flowers while humming the melody of a Mumford & Sons song.
This break-up news came out of The Sun’s mouth and was delivered to us by The Daily Mail, so it’s like listening to Benita Buttrell from In Living Color tell you something that Babette from Gilmore Girls whispered in her ear. A source claims that Sienna Miller and Tom Sturridge’s recent holiday in Formentera, Spain with their 3-year-old daughter Marlowe (pictures below) was their last attempt to Super Glueing their broken relationship, but it didn’t work. A source says that nothing ESCANDALO happened. Sienna and Tom just decided that they were done touching genitals after 4 years together. The source went through the file marked “generic break-up statements given by an anonymous source” and handed their choice over to The Sun.
“Tom and Sienna split a few weeks ago but still love and respect each other as friends and parents. It’s a very amicable break-up and they intend to remain great friends.”
Sienna’s rep had nothing to say about this and neither did Tom’s.
I refuse to believe this rumor until the secret alarm that is hidden in every wedding band goes off, alerting married people to watch out! Sienna Miller and her legendary bull dozer vagina are back!
Sienna is shooting a movie with Ben Affleck soon, so I was already getting my eyeballs ready for tabloid story after tabloid story about how those two are fucking until all the air in his trailer’s tires seeps out. It’s going to be thirty times worse now. But on behalf of proud sluts everywhere, I’m begging our slut leader to not use her chocha to pick the low-hanging fruit that is Ben Affleck. Sienna is better than that! Okay, she should do it once and then keep her coochie moving.
Looks like another spot just opened up on The Goop Troop’s Hawaiian family vacation. UsWeekly says that after almost a year of unconfirmed fucking, Chris Martin and Jennifer Lawrence have packed what was left of their maybe-relationship into a box and drove it to Savers. RIP Martin Lawrence. On the upside, the real Martin Lawrence can drop that NaeNae, because today is the day he finally gets his name back.
An “insider” (Gwyneth Paltrow using a fake phone voice and desperately trying not to let out a dry cackle of glee) claims they split up because JLaw has been working non-stop and they never saw each other. The same insider also wants you to know that America’s former sweetheart has been spending a lot of time with her panty-dropping ex, Nicholas Hoult, adding that “they’re on great terms now, and their families have stayed close.” JLaw and About A Boy are currently filming X-Men: Apocalypse together, which might explain why they’re spending so much time together. Or maybe they want to start banging each other again. Who knows? Get whatever you want to get, girl. Get Nicholas Hoult, get that hot as fuck bodyguard of yours. Get it all! The world is your all-you-can bang penis buffet.
No word on whether or not their decision to end shit had anything to do with Chris Martin getting caught working his mopey magic on Kylie Minogue last week in London. Did anyone hear a story about Jennifer Lawrence screaming the words “FUCK THAT TWO-TIMING ASS!” while angrily tossing Chris Martin’s collection of scarves onto the street at 3am?
Remember when a “source” said those moving trucks outside of Ben Affleck and Jennifer Garner’s house weren’t there to move all his shit out and the trucks were being used to move out furniture before a big renovation? Well, either that source lied to us all or Ben and Jen are renovating their house so they get a bigger price on it when they sell that shit. Because Bennifer 2.0 announced today (the day after their 10th anniversary) that their marriage is done and they’re getting a divorce. Jennifer Garner is no longer fucking Ben Affleck. “I called it,” screamed pretty much every tabloid in the world.
Ben and Jennifer “exclusively” released this statement to People:
“After much thought and careful consideration, we have made the difficult decision to divorce. We go forward with love and friendship for one another and a commitment to co-parenting our children whose privacy we ask to be respected during this difficult time. This will be our only comment on this private, family matter. Thank you for understanding.”
TMZ says that Ben and Jen are going to try to keep it clean and she’s not going to go all Stephanie March by ranting in court papers about how she was sick of him coming home and smelling like random pussy and casino smoke. They will share custody of their 3 children and are not going to file for divorce until they work out the property and custody situation.
And as the paps weep over the loss of Bennifer 2.0’s legendary photo-op struts, tabloid editors are also weeping, because now whose MARRIAGE CRISIS are they going to put on their covers every other month? (Answer: Beyonce and Jay-Z, probably.)
“Can I haz mah Strawmamaberry Shortcake now, mistah ice cweme man?” is probably what Brit Brit Spears is thinking in that picture and sadly, we’ll never have moments like that again. Because apparently, Daddy Spears has ended Charlie Ebersol’s contract with Brit Brit and is now interviewing new boyfriends who must know exactly where the beef jerky section of every San Fernando Valley-area Walmart is and won’t get all mad when the Cheetolings accidentally call him “Uncle Normal Guy Dave.” Memorizing the name of the new “uncle” that mommy brings home is hard.
Both TMZ and UsWeekly say that Brit Brit’s fans knew something was up when her Instagram was scrubbed clean of Charlie Ebersol’s face. I guess deleting your piece from your Instagram is the new version of cutting their face out of pictures while screaming the lyrics to an Alanis Morissette song. Some source tells TMZ that their 8-month-old love didn’t die because of anything messy. It just ended (read: They had one of those short-term contracts).
Charlie Ebersol’s mom is Susan Saint James, so it gives me the sads knowing that Brit Brit will never be the daughter-in-law of McMillan’s wife. But well, I know Brit Brit will find love again and will meet a true prince who won’t get all pissed off when she dutch ovens him for the 13th time during a sleepover. Brit Brit may have already found that prince in Louisiana.
Brit Brit spent her weekend in her homeland and she Instagrammed this picture:
(Update: I’m so hungover I forgot to post the picture the first time.) I’m still hungover so I thought his tank top read, “Prop Store.” I thought to myself, “DAMN! Daddy Spears isn’t even trying to hide where he gets Brit Brit’s prop boyfriends from.“
Grab a bottle of imported sparkling swan tears and pour one out for Gwyneth Paltrow’s current relationship, because it’s probably dead. According to Life & Style (via The Daily Mail), Gwyneth Paltrow is ready to uncouple from her secret-not-secret boyfriend of almost a year, American Horror Story creator Brad Falchuk. A friend of the come-to-life corn broom says that she wants to end whatever she had with Brad because all they did was fight.
“Gwyneth is breaking up with him. Things got very serious very fast, but lately all they did was fight all the time and she’s tired of it. Gwyn likes things a certain way and Brad didn’t cater to her, so they ended up bickering over the smallest things. She can be very fussy when it comes to food and Brad isn’t. Sometimes he just wanted to go out for a burger, which drove her crazy.”
I guess this means Brad won’t be joining The Goop Troop on their upcoming Hawaiian family vacation. “That lucky bastard” said Jennifer Lawrence.
So far neither Gwyneth nor Brad have said anything about their relationship, but I’m sure we’ll hear about their break up once Gwyneth decides to write about it for Goop.com. “Listen up, peasants. You may have heard that I had to dump my boyfriend after he tried to feed me a burger. I literally can’t even with that shit. A BURGER! I’m sorry, but was the invitation-only organic butcher shoppe out of hand-carved Wagyu beef spleen? And the burger was on a bun. Not an aged plank of Brazilian Rosewood or wrapped in a page from the Gutenberg Bible. Like, obvious I had to dump his ass. In the words of TLC, I don’t want no scrub.“
After three years together and nearly a year-and-a-half of being engaged, Emma Roberts and Evan Peters (aka Madison Montgomery/Maggie Esmerelda and Lobster Boy from American Horror Story) are calling it quits on their messy relationship. A source tells JustJared that the breakup was “amicable,” they’re “still friends,” they “have so many great memories together” and that there was “no drama whatsoever.” Damn, that source is really going hard. Does anyone know the legal limit for protesting? Because that source clearly doth protest too much.
Well, that’s it. It’s over. Looks like we’ll never get to hear a wedding-day story about a champagne-drunk Emma Roberts screaming out “I fucking DO NOT!” as she whips an entire three-tiered wedding cake at Evan Peters, all while their friends and family mouth the words “No more booze for them” to the bartender. God, it could have been so beautiful.
Even if their relationship wasn’t filled to the brim with dramatics, they most likely would have called it quits eventually. Emma is 24 and Evan is 28, and 24 and 28 is way too young to settle down in Hollywood years. You can’t tame the crotches of two wild Hollywood 20-somethings; you’ve got to let them roam free. Speaking of, here’s Emma leaving a bar in Hollywood last night without her engagement ring on.
I hope Bobby Flay isn’t getting too attached to his title of Messiest Public Divorce, because he might soon have to hand it over to WNBA players Glory Johnson and Brittney Griner. Take a look at that picture of Glory and Brittney on their wedding day back in May, because it’s going to come in very handy for when you say “Well, that escalated quickly” later.
Things started out OK. Brittney asked Glory to marry her back in August, and in January, they appeared on Say Yes To The Dress. Then it began to get all sorts of bad for Brittney and Glory a few weeks before their wedding. On April 22nd, Brittney and Glory got into a brawl at their home in Arizona that ended with both of them getting arrested for domestic violence. Brittney plead guilty to disorderly conduct and was ordered to complete a 26 week domestic violence counseling program (Glory’s case is still pending). Then two weeks later, Brittney and Glory were like “Fight? What fight?” and got married at the delicious-sounding Tapatio Cliffs Resort Phoenix on May 8th.
Then on June 4th, Glory announced that will be taking this season off because she’s knocked-up with a baby. Which is great, right? Not exactly. The day after Glory announced she’s got a tiny basketball in her net (I don’t know what that means), TMZ says Brittney filed for an annulment on their 28-day marriage. Brittney is claiming the marriage was based on “fraud and duress“, adding that Glory “pressured” her into marriage with “threatening statements.” Brittney also pulled a Sherri Shepherd by claiming she has no biological connection to the baby living in Glory’s womb.
Glory has responded to all this by posting (then deleting) an inspirational quote about “unperfect people” on Instragram. Maybe that’s part of the fraud Brittney was talking about? “Your honor, I was lead to believe I was marrying someone who didn’t use made-up words like unperfect.”