Tonight is the Met Gala, when stars and dirt stars squeeze themselves into a $30,000 gown that doesn’t go with the theme to bow down to Anna Wintour as she sacrifices interns to fulfill her yearly contract with Satan (that’s what happens there, right?). But I don’t even know why Anna didn’t announce today that this year’s Met Gala is canceled, because the real fashion event of May went down in Westwood, CA yesterday at the premiere of the mess of a movie my mom wants me to take her to on Mother’s Day.
Jane Fonda, Candice Bergen, Diane Keaton, and Mary Steenburgen all brought the glamour to the red carpet of Book Club. Jane Fonda showed up looking like a Mary Kay regional manager who just naturally smells like Shalimar perfume and could easily fuck your dad if she wanted to. Candice Bergen showed up with a look that was Snow White down below (see: her Gucci sweater) and Evil Queen up top (see: those snatched-in-the-name-of-evil brows). Diane Keaton showed up looking like Madam Mim going to a sock hop in the 90s. And Mary Steenburgen wore some boring shit but made up for it by accessorizing her dress with a tall drink of silver named Ted Danson.
And now if you’ll excuse me I need to ask Google, “Is my mom forcing me to take her to a Fifty Shades of Shit propaganda film grounds for a quickie emancipation?”
Forget about the split for a second – famous people split up all the time. I can’t get over that Alicia Silverstone was with someone for 20 years. That’s half her life! Not to mention that two decades together in Hollywood time is like, three lifetimes. Is Alicia Silverstone some kind of time-bending Highlander? She might be – look into it, Hollywood.
People says that 41-year-old Alicia and her 41-year-old musician husband Christopher Jarecki are done after 12 years of marriage and 20 years together overall. Alicia’s rep confirmed the split:
“They still deeply love and respect each other and remain very close friends but have mutually decided to separate after being together for 20 years. They have a son together who they will continue to co-parent.”
Alicia and Christopher share a 6-year-old son Bear Blu. Her rep doesn’t say exactly when Alicia and Christopher decided to call it quits, but it’s worth noting he was last seen on her Instagram page about seven months ago.
20 years together is still bugging me out. That’s so long – something serious must have happened to end it. Thanks to that video of Alicia feeding her baby son like a mama bird from a couple years ago, we know that Alicia is a major Earth spirit type. My guess is Alicia caught Christopher cheating…on their nut milk routine. She came home one day from her mindful intentions yoga-style group hugging class a little earlier than usual, and saw Christopher chugging from a store-bought carton of vanilla almond. “What the…what is this? How long has this been going on?!? This is an organic small batch hand-wrung tigermilk house! Get your recycled hemp baja hoodies and your jarred paste deodorant, and get out!”
Wonder Woman is a huge success. It’s made almost $654 million, has received great reviews, is breaking box office records and getting a sequel. They’re even rumored to be re-shooting Justice League to include more of her. It seems like everyone loves Wonder Woman, but not everyone does. There are some people out there who are shrugging “More like Whatever Woman” over it, and one of those people is Alicia Silverstone.
It was very nice of Betsey Johnson to remove her name from the nominees list, and therefore give people like Beyonce a fighting chance at taking home the CFDA’s Fashion Icon award. I’m assuming that’s what happened. Betsey Johnson has always been my favorite fashion weirdo. Even when I was very little and my knowledge of fashion was limited to skorts and whatever the look is called when you loop the bottom of a t-shirt through the neck hole, I knew that she was the definition of effortless, carefree WTF style. Effortless, because she always looks like she put in zero effort. Carefree, because I’m sure she’s free of cares when it comes to what anybody thinks about her. And WTF, because I still cannot figure out what the fuck is going on with those glue-in hair extension.
Betsey brought her carefree WTF style to the CFDA Awards last night. Betsey Johnson gave everyone “getting-her-groove-back grandma” mixed with Janice the Muppet and a side of boxed wine buzz. She’s on vacation from all her worries and troubles and the collection agency that won’t stop calling and demanding payment for that pesky overdue TJ Maxx credit card bill, and she doesn’t care who knows it! Betsey looks like she’s about to climb over the bar at her all-inclusive Mexican resort, grab a bottle of rum and a handful of limes, and smoker-bark over to her friends Buffy, Bambi, and Binky: “See you in the pool!” I want to be this version of Betsey Johnson when I grow up.
Of course, there always has to be a runner-up in the Pageant of Life, and I choose to give that honor to Selma Blair.
Do yourself a favor and get into these clips from Lifetime’s Brittany Murphy biopic. This shit is so low-budget that I think it might be a prank. I was waiting for Jimmy Kimmel, no scratch that – Seth Meyers to walk out. This is Lifetime’s attempt to grab ahold of that Sharknado-type viral success, right? No one can act, that girl looks not a thing like the much-missed Murphy, and holy shite, THAT WIG ON “ALICIA SILVERSTONE.” Did someone from The Craft cast a curse on that girl? What in hell does she have going on under there that required that on her head? I think it’s still attached to whatever animal died for it. And that animal has peed many times and it’s dried. They couldn’t afford an actual blonde? Did they spent too much (a Tan-O-Rama Groupon)) hiring the girl in the Mayam Bialik chapeau? Maybe they put the money aside in case Brittany’s trashbag dad actually sues and (jn a surreal moment) wins? Continue reading
Even if you forced yourself to write down the craziest, most insane advice you could think of after chugging a dozen bottles of Pediasure in a windowless room while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” on repeat for 8 straight hours, you still wouldn’t reach the level of questionable at work in Alicia Silverstone’s new parenting manual The Kind Mama. Thankfully, you don’t have to, because The Daily Beast got their hands on a copy and compiled some of the best quotes about parenting from the woman who believes vaccinations are shots of “aluminum and formaldehyde”, Dr. Bird-feeder (not a real doctor):
On how drinking milk is basically like taking a garbage-filled shit in your uterus:
“Meat, dairy, and processed foods” should be avoided, she says, because they are “tracking toxic sludge through your baby house.” (“Baby house” = uterus).
On why Huggies is THE DEVIL:
Kind mamas can avoid funneling money into the “multibillion-dollar” disposable diaper industry, which is “fueled by corporate-backed pseudoscience.”
On why Tampax is THE DEVIL:
“Feminine-care manufacturers aren’t required to tell you what’s in their products, which means that no one’s talking about the potential pesticide residues from non-organic cotton and the ‘fragrances’ containing hormone-upsetting, fertility-knocking phthalates that are snuggling up to your hoo-ha.”
On why you’re THE DEVIL if you don’t let your baby sleep in your bed:
The alternative – forcing your helpless baby to sleep “in a barred-in box completely alone” – may well amount to child neglect.
On (brace yourselves, stupid is coming) vaccinations:
“There is increasing anecdotal evidence from doctors who have gotten distressed phone calls from parents claiming their child was ‘never the same’ after receiving a vaccine. And I personally have friends whose babies were drastically affected in this way.”
I’m a firm believer in ‘You do you’, so I have no feels or shits to give on whether or not Cher from Clueless lets her kid shit in the grass or sleeps in her bed or breastfeeds till he’s 12. What I do have a problem with is someone who’s credentials are “was in Aerosmith videos” writing a book about parenting, especially when their source material is basically email forwards from your misinformed paranoid aunt. Don’t get me wrong – I still think she should write whatever book she wants – I just also think said book should come with a sticker on the front that says “Find out more on the Internet! No really…we urge you to double check the legitimacy of every claim in this book.”