Thousands of children have been told by their 30-something mothers to go and play in the street or whatever, because mommy needs a little “me time” and by that she means she needs to scream and bawl out the words, “IT SHOULD’VE BEEN MEEEEEEEE,” while doing the endless wall slide of woe. Because the youngest Backstreet Boy Nick Carter got married yesterday in Santa Barbara, CA. I’m not one of those hos crying about this shit, because I was never into the Backstreet Boys and if I was, I’d get the tingles for Kevin Richardson. I wouldn’t turn down a chance to suck off those brows.
Anyway, People says that 34-year-old Nick married fitness expert/actress (nothing is more L.A. than a fitness expert/actress) Lauren Kitt in front of 100 guests, including 2 of the Backstreet Boys, at the Bacarat Resort. Nothing says “wedded bliss” like a groom making a “the fuck did I just do?” face while his bride smiles at the camera. Nick and Lauren bumped fuck parts full-time for a while before they got engaged last year. Because Nick would rather Vh1 pay for his fancy wedding to a chick he might only be married to for a quick second, the whole thing was shot for a reality show, which will start airing sometime this year.
Sadly, the best Carter, Aaron Carter, wasn’t at his brother’s wedding. Aaron cannot turn down a check, so he performed at the Cherry Blossom parade in DC and he didn’t make it back to California in time because the plane had mechanical problems. Damn you, Spirit Airlines! Aaron’s rep (yes, he has on those) said this:
“Aaron signed a contract to appear at the Cherry Blossom parade in D.C. before Nick’s wedding date was announced. [We] realized there was a problem and figured out he could perform and get him to Santa Barbara so he would be there for the last two hours of the reception. Tickets were purchased and the plan was in place. It was a major operation to get him there in time. Aaron didn’t blow anything off and would have been there – it’s a real bummer for him. He feels bad he missed the wedding.”
Nick Carter is an asshole for not canceling his wedding. How can he get married without his former partner in meth, his brother, next to him? How can he dance with his new wife without his brother next to them dancing with a Hilary Duff cardboard cutout? I bet the Hilary Duff cardboard cutout was finally going to put out last night too. Poor Aaron.
Meth might’ve eaten Aaron Carter’s face and any dignity he had in his being, but it didn’t eat the undying love he feels for Hilary Duff. Hilary and Aaron “dated” when they were just 13 years old and that was over 14 years ago, but every night he blasts “Come Clean,” crawls into his Lizzie McGuire sleeping bag and as he stares at the photo collage of her he pasted onto his ceiling, he faps while crying. My thoughts and prayers go out to Aaron Carter’s neighbors who every night have to block out the sound of him fap-crying while screaming out the lyrics to “Come Clean.”
Aaron has let it be known on Twitter before that he wants Hilary Duff back. And yesterday, the Romeo of Florida once again figuratively threw tiny rocks at Hilary Duff’s bedroom window when he re-tweeted a picture of her and then spilled out this declaration of love, which will later be used in court when Hilary Duff tries to get a restraining order against his ass.
Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever..
I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her.
I don’t care what ANY of you think.
That tweet just gave me an anxiety attack
..people who have no idea who I am and/or what I’ve been through.
If you’re that interested watch my interviews or google me.
At least I’m real and don’t hide behind the persona of being a celebrity and an entertainer, &try to portray positive feelings all the time
On a lighter note it’s almost Easter and I want tons of candy to eat!!
Lindsay Lohan probably DMed Aaron with, “Aw, I never stopped loving you either, got any coke?” But Aaron told one of his followers that he was talking about his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff.
If you think it’s creepy that Aaron is still slobbering over a girl he dated when he was 13, then you’re obviously the kind of monster who shits on true love and stabs cherubs for fun. Because true love will always prevail! 50 years from now, Aaron will be laughing at all the haters who thought he was a creepy motherfucker while cuddling on the couch with his wife of 49 years Hilary Duff as they watch their grandchildren play on the rug. You know, I think I just described the scene that Aaron is going to daydream about in his jail cell after the cops catch him licking Hilary Duff’s dirty panties in her bedroom.
And welcome to your future, Justin and Selena.
I don’t know what’s worse: referring to Hilary Duff as a divorcée, or that it’s 2014 and I’m bringing you a story about Aaron Carter that isn’t about declaring bankruptcy or his appearance on a 3rd-tier reality show like Curling with the Stars or I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here – Ukraine Edition.
It’s only been 4 days since Hilary Duff announced her split from Mike Comrie (a man with the hardest working neck in the business), but it looks like Aaron Carter is hoping to swoop in and rekindle the romance they had once upon a time. Oh, don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten the pre-Angelina-Brad-Jennifer love-triangle that was Hilary-Aaron-Lindsay?
It all began when Aaron took to Twitter to tweet some cryptic messages immediately after news broke that Lizzie McGuire’s marriage was dunzo:
But everyone knows that on Twitter, “don’t ask” means “please ask, I have so many thoughts” so most of his followers started tweeting him asking if he was referring to the possibility that Hilary Duff is back on the market. He allegedly responded to one inquisitive follower via DM with what I accidentally mistook for Air Supply lyrics:
Shortly after this, some of Aaron’s Twitter followers started tweeting that Hilary Duff had followed-up her divorce announcement by following Aaron on Twitter, so I went through the list of who she’s following to see if this was true, but I didn’t see Aaron. I’d call Aaron’s followers a bunch of drama-loving dummies, but I’m the one who spent 10 minutes of my life scrolling through Hilary’s following list like Bob Woodward on the cusp of breaking the story of the century, so who’s the real dummy here.
Nobody’s asked what Hilary Duff thinks of all of this, but one can assume she’s at home frantically squeezing into her wedding dress and using flashcards to teach her son Luca about his new ‘Unky Aaron’. I think I smell the next Nicholas Sparks movie; Aaron’s Heart (Come Get It). Hilary could be played by Emma Roberts (or if the budget is tight, Haylie Duff) and Aaron could be played by a janitor’s mop in meth drag.
Aaron Carter, best known for his singing career, living as a walking, talking Faces of Meth poster and being the piece of scrap meat Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan once cat fought over in a back alley, is filing for Chapter 7 after getting his ass in a ridiculous amount of debt.
This is how the numbers play out according to TMZ:
Liabilities- $2,204,854, including owing $31,166 to American Express
He owes the IRS $1,368,140
Monthly income – $1,997.75 with monthly expenses of $2,005 ($600 of which is spent on food)
As for his assets, he lists a 61″ flat screen worth $500. He also lists 2 MacBooks, 2 Headset Mics, a Mini Keyboard, Portable Beats, a speaker, a guitar, Louis Vuitton backpack, a duffle bag and a printer worth a total of $2,500. And he owns a Brietling watch worth $3,750.
What the fuck did he buy to rack up thirty thousand dollars in credit card debt to end up with the same crap you can find in any college student’s shitty apartment after student loan checks are sent out? Well, except for the LV backpack and watch, which scream “Scottsdale retiree”. Do drug dealers even take AmEx? Bitch needs to dial back his dietary needs if he’s still spending $600 a month to feed himself. Broke times call for broke measures and that means all the Ramen and canned chili your ass can stand (literally on that last one).
The worst part about Aaron’s paperwork was that he valued his dog at ZERO. Call Lloyd Dobbler and have him bring the boom box- Aaron is about to get a wake up call serenade of Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” on repeat until he cries like someone just flushed his stash. Animal friends are PRICELESS, thank you very much! This is giving me shades of my parent’s divorce when my dad put our golden retriever as an asset. Thankfully, we got the dog and he got an Ethan Allen couch so ugly it made you flinch.
Aaron’s current financial situation is so dire he’s living with a family member and I hope he’s spending his nights stretched out on a curb couch that smells like pee and hepatitis and looks like it came from one of the rooms those gross assholes at Febreeze dream up to put in their commercials. Aaron should call Lindsay up to hang out and get some tips from the Teflon Queen on how to skate through a puddle of shit and end up on the other side smelling like roses. They can pass a Grey Goose bottle they found empty in a dumpster and filled with Seagram’s back and forth while they pick each other’s scabs and crank call Lindsay’s sober coach before sending Dina out to “entertain” a gentleman caller for tomorrow’s booze money.
Not since the Sharks fan kicked the Jets down has there been a gang story as hard as this one. Aaron Carter let all of us know that wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt in Boston is like wearing red in Crips territory. You’re going to get beat. (Actually, wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt anywhere is going to get you beat, but wearing one in Boston will really get you beat.)
Aaron Carter posted a picture on his Instagram this past weekend of him with a busted eye and he says that he got it from four hardcore NKOTB fans who didn’t like him being in Boston. Aaron was in Boston over the weekend to play a show on Sunday night and he says that as he was leaving a restaurant on Saturday night, a grown dude came at him in the parking lot and said the most threatening words that have ever been said, “I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.“A Chevy Malibu then pulled up (A CHEVY MALIBU!) and three other dudes jumped out. They popped the collars on their acid wash denim vests and chanted at Aaron, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Everybody’s always talkin’ ’bout who’s on top! Don’t cross our path, ’cause you’re gonna get stomped!” Then they knocked him out by doing the Hangin’ Touch dance in unison. At least, that’s how I picture it happening.
Aaron tells TMZ that as soon as the three other New Kids fans, who were all grown men, jumped out of the Chevy Malibu, they whooped his trick ass. Aaron said, “I think my knuckles might be broken, but that’s what they get. People think I’m a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I’m still standing.”
Aaron performed in Boston anyway, because he’s hard like that. Aaron says he didn’t file a police report because that’s “girlie.” That’s right! Real men run to their hotel rooms and upload pictures of their bruises on Instagram.
I LOVE THIS STORY. If this story had a b-hole, I’d bone it. Who cares if Aaron made this entire story up and he probably got those bruises in a meth deal gone wrong. Who cares if that black eye probably came from a meth dealer who didn’t appreciate Aaron asking, “Uh, can I suck yo dick for a gram?” Who cares! Aaron Carter makes up the best stories.
“This is the town of New Kids” is the most badass line I’ve ever heard.
When the Carter family, I mean the other other Carter family, released a statement yesterday morning about the death of 25-year-old Leslie Carter, they were mute about the cause of her death. The Coroner isn’t issuing an official cause of death until toxicology results come back, but a police report shows that she most likely died of an overdose.
ABC News says that Leslie’s stepmother, Ginger Carter (that’s a really hot name), told police that her stepdaughter was suffering from a mental illness and was taking medication for it. Leslie usually lives in Canada with her husband, but she brought her 10-month-old daughter with her to stay with family in upstate New York so she could kick her addiction to pills. Ginger says that on the morning of her death, Leslie slipped in the shower. Ginger helped Leslie into bed to lie down and when she checked up on her a few hours later, she wasn’t breathing. Next to Leslie’s bed were bottles of Olanzapine (for bipolar disorder), Cyclobenzaprine (a muscle relaxer) and Xanax.
The police report also says that Ginger Carter was messed up herself when they talked to her. Ginger was full on LOHAN. Ginger was slurring her words, had glassy eyes and kept falling asleep while talking to the cops. Ginger told the cops that she was so upset about Leslie’s death that she took five or six Xanax. Ginger told police that she’ll tell them more as soon as she sobers up. Why do I have a feeling that won’t be anytime soon. Why do I also have a feeling that Ginger Carter looks like this?
Two R.I.P. posts in a row and it’s not even noon. Grab a few bottles of Strawberry Hill, bring a fully stocked bong and pull the blanket over February.
Aaron and Nick Carter’s sister, Leslie Carter (in the middle), died yesterday in upstate New York and that’s pretty much all we know. The Carter family released a statement to Access Hollywood, but they’re keeping the cause of Leslie’s death to themselves for now.
“Our family is grieving right now and it’s a private matter. We are deeply saddened for the loss of our beloved sister, daughter, and granddaughter, Leslie Carter. We request the utmost privacy during this difficult time.”
Like Aaron and Nick, Leslie was a singer and had a song called “Like Wow” on the Shrek soundtrack. Leslie was also in the family’s mess of a reality show The House of Carters. She married her husband Mike in 2008 and gave birth to their daughter Alyssa Jane on April 1, 2011.
It was over a year ago when Aaron Carter challenged your claim to fap to anything when he posted a shirtless picture of himself looking like an HGH-addicted clitoris with Madonna arms. Aaron had the six-pack that meth built. But at Angels & Kings in NYC last night, the beats he threw down were so hot (your eye roll goes here and load the next on) that he ripped off his sequined blouse (your second eye roll goes here) from International Male and showed the paps that he no longer has a body straight out of the pages of Bodies of Meth Weekly.
The ghost of Justin Bieber’s future has completely dried out, so he says, and unlike a year ago you couldn’t tweak out from snorting up his sweat. Aaron is totally a Nancy Reagan kind of drug-free and he has a “frat boy porn star turned freelance car mechanic” body to show for it. Or maybe Aaron’s got an “XY Magazine model turned day-shift bartender at a Long Beach gay club” body.
And that has to be a stick-on happy trail wig on Aaron’s body, because I refuse to believe that it’s possible for a Carter to grow body hair. They don’t even have to follicles down there. The meth ate ‘em!
A couple of days ago, Sweetas brought us the news that Aaron Carter opened his mouth on the face that meth built about his time with Michael Jackson, and what he said made the glass on Detective La Toya’s monocle fog up and crack. Daphne Barak from OK! Magazine Australia alleged that Aaron told her the late Michael Jackson fed him wine and cocaine when he was 15. But wait, Aaron tells TMZ that he never claimed that MJ sedated his 15-year-old body with the bad shit and dropped a red wine waterfall down his froat.
“Nothing was said that was reported.”
The Ghost of Justin Bieber’s future pointed to a YouTube video of the interview where he doesn’t mention anything about MJ feeding him coke. But Daphne stands by her story and still claims that Aaron told her “that Michael Jackson gave him alcohol and cocaine while he was 15. He also said that Michael invited him to sleep in his room, and when Aaron woke up at 5:00 AM, he found Michael on his bed.”
This is absolutely ridiculous, offensive and is making me do the moonwalk towards Daphne’s face so I can slap the wrong out of her! MJ never gave Aaron coke or wine. Why would MJ ever do such a thing? That’s not only illegal, but it goes against ever fiber of MJ’s moral being. How dare Daphne throw those hurtful accusations around! We all know that MJ only served Jesus Juice and the White Dust of Christ to minors. DUH!
Well, well, well-UH. Aaron Carter dropped a few bombs (and maybe some acid) on Michael Jackson in an interview with OK! magazine. In a candid interview, he comes clean (actually, I don’t think you could ever come clean again, but I digress) about his time with the late pop icon. Apparently, they had a really close relationship, in which MJ gave him wine, the bad shit, and maybe more. Here are a couple of quotes from Aaron. Don’t read into them (totally read into them).
“I never talked about it… This is the first time. I do… I miss Michael… I have spent such incredible times with him. I did things with him that nobody else did… But I was also troubled about what he did to me.”
Me: What he did to me??? wtf??? Moving on…
“Yes, he gave me wine. I mean, I could have refused, but I was 15.”
Ahem. Maybe Michael just had a European view of wine? More…
“He gave me cocaine. I felt weird about that and other stuff… We spoke afterwards, hours and hours, on the phone. I admired Michael, but his behaviour bothered me a lot. Then my mother called the police…”
UM. Other. Stuff. And then his mom called the popo. I’m sure it was all good clean wholesome fun! *side eyes MJ’s ghost*
You know, I may be understanding Aaron Carter’s um, “issues” a little bit better at this point. I’m not saying MJ did anything inappropriate, unless you call giving minors wine, coke, and “other stuff” inappropriate. I think I’m gonna go bathe in bleach now.