The year 2000 and the year 2007 has crashed together in a meth-induced haze and produced 2016’s greatest new IT couple: Aaron Carter and Chris Crocker!
Hilary Duff no longer has to worry about walking into her bathroom and finding her ex-stalker Aaron Carter making out with her toilet seat or spooning with the towel she used that morning while wearing her dirty panties like a face mask, because he has found himself a much hotter and sexier piece. The “LEAVE BRITNEY ALOOONE“ twink turned (that link is very NSFW —–>) power top porn star Chris Crocker posted this precious picture on Instagram of him cuddling up to his new boo Aaron Carter. Chrissy Crocker added this sugar-coated gumdrop to the pic:
Aaron found his candy
This totally genuine and real union probably started blooming right after Chrissy Crocker made a “LEAVE AARON CARTER ALOOOONE” video because the haters came for his man for refusing to do one of the only songs of his people know. Yes, they’re obviously faking this for Instagram likes, but I’m still going to choose to believe that their A-list love is for real and they will soon share it in a reality show that will rival Britney and Kevin: Chaotic. I mean, they already have their first scene for it:
And here’s Aaron showing off his meth abs on Instagram while looking like the kind of dirty hustler who uses plastic bags and rubber bands as condoms and will steal your wallet while he does you next to a dumpster. What I’m trying to say is that Chrissy Crocker is one lucky trick!
When Nick Carter was arrested two weeks ago for being all kinds of drunk at a place called the Hog’s Breath Saloon in Florida and choking out a bouncer because they wouldn’t let him pour any more booze down his throat, even Florida was like “Slow down, Nick Carter – that’s TOO Florida.” Apparently Nick Carter has finally realized that, yeah, he got a little too Florida that day, and now he wants you to know he’s sorry about it. Nick typed up a little apology on Twitter yesterday. Tip: Nick’s tweets are 1000x more entertaining if you pretend they were written by Mummy Nick from the video for “Everybody“.
I am human and at times it can be a struggle to balance a healthy lifestyle. I'm not perfect and for that I am sorry.
— Nick Carter (@nickcarter) January 23, 2016
When we fall we have to get up and keep on walking. I hope you stay by my side and continue to walk with me.
— Nick Carter (@nickcarter) January 23, 2016
Is it just me or does it sound like Nick yanked his apology tweets from a Christian bookstore’s Facebook wall? No, I’m sure he thought them all up himself with no help from either his lawyer or the Backstreet Boys’ PR person. One person who probably didn’t help him write it was his brother Aaron Carter, because he was too busy dealing with his own mess. TMZ says Aaron flipped out on a fan at a concert in Virgina earlier this week after they asked him to sing “I Want Candy“. Apparently Aaron wasn’t into that shit, told the fan “I’m 28, honey, and I’m grown” and walked off stage for a bit. TMZ has the video of Aaron’s “I’m grown” moment, which you can watch here.
Okay, but to be fair to that fan, if Aaron wasn’t going to sing “I Want Candy“, what else did he have planned? Three different versions of “Aaron’s Party” followed by an acoustic performance of “Crazy Little Party Girl“? Somewhere in Hell, a tortured soul is like “Hey, I have that album!”
Scientists looking for concrete proof that delusion is the secret ingredient in meth got what they were searching for in the tweet that pop twink turned Hilary Duff stalker Aaron Carter burped up yesterday. Aaron tweeted (and later deleted), “Remember one very important thing. Michael passed down the torch to me. I never had to ask for him to do that,” and that pretty much made Twitter ring the bell because the games had begun.
When a bunch of people on Twitter threw Aaron the same “uh huh, bitch” look that my friends throw at me when I tell them I’m going on a 5 day booze and weed cleanse, he defended himself and stamped the word “bully” on the hos who laughed at him for saying he’s the Michael Jackson of our time. I read the string of tweets this morning and thought they were going to bring the laughs, but they quickly nose dived straight into a puddle of SADS.
Some of the tweets that Aaron tweeted up are after the cut and in case you didn’t know, his nickname for Michael Jackson is “Dookie.” I mean….
And now you know what Aaron Carter looks like while he’s eating ass. Thank you for that, AC.
Aaron Carter has been saying “fuckit” to having dignity for months by tweeting about how his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff is his soulmate and he’ll never ever stop trying to win her love back. I almost filed a lawsuit against Aaron at that time, because I developed severe face wrinkles from cringing over him declaring his love for the girl he dated when they were both fetus-aged like he’s a character in the worst Nicholas Sparks book ever. Aaron eventually realized that he needs to stop it with the “Every Step You Take…” shit and vowed to have a seat and keep his lips shout about his undying love for Lizzie McGuire.
That was that until Hilary Duff just had to awaken the stalker beast with blond low lights by talking about him during a recent interview with Cosmo. Hilary, you dumb trick, do not invoke its name! Hilary said this about Aaron slobbering on and on about her on Twatter:
“Him reaching out through social media? It’s ridiculous! But then people do it all the time, like Chris Brown and Karrueche? Come on, guys. Keep it between text messages.”
Since Hilary just had to talk about Aaron, the former Mr. May in the Faces of Meth calendar and former Mr. July in the Bodies of Meth calendar responded to her on Twitter, sort of. Aaron didn’t name names, but let Hilary Duff know that she should keep his name out of her mouth (and then his balls exploded from thinking about him being in Hilary Duff’s chipmunk mouth):
Some shit I just don't get. Stop. Talking. About. It. ….I did.
— Aaron Carter (@aaroncarter) March 5, 2015
Maybe he’s not talking about Hilary. Maybe he’s talking about that dress. Aaron is right, though. Hilary needs to stop obsessing over Aaron obsessing over her. Aaron has really matured and knows that slobbering about her on social media isn’t a good look. Those whores on Twitter don’t understand anyway. So now Aaron only talks about Hilary to the patchwork doll he made out of the panties he stole from her dirty laundry basket while cuddling with it in the room that’s covered with pictures of her. Follow Aaron’s lead, Hilary, and grow the hell up!
Here’s Hilary with her son, doing her daily walk in the front of the paps. I’m sure Aaron has already made a composite of what their baby would look like in one of those morph programs and posted that picture over the face of Hilary’s son.
It appears Aaron Carter still has one working braincell in that peroxide-fried Ed Hardy hedgehog head of his (“Damn! I thought I got them all?” – crystal meth). After trying desperately to woo his ex-girlfriend Hilary Duff back into his life on Twitter since January, Aaron Carter has finally taken the hint that Lizzie McGuire wants nothing to do with him or his busted Faces of Florida ass. The Ghost of Justin Bieber Future told Wenn (via E!) that after much thought (read: after Mike Comrie showed up at his studio in the valley with a couple NHL enforcers), he’s decided to cool it with the AXE-Scented Social Media Romeo shit:
“If I’m too open about how I feel then people wanna nag and pick and poke at me. I don’t know Hilary, either. She don’t know me and I don’t know her. I just need to shut up now about it. I think it’s time. She’s got a kid and she’s married and I’m not trying to be that dude. That’s not my intention. Hilary will always hold a very special place in my heart.”
Poor Aaron; he threw Hilary a love party every day for almost a whole year, but she never wanted to come get it. Na na na na, na na na na.
But just because it didn’t work out with Hilary doesn’t mean Nick Jr. should stop trying to pursue all his old girlfriends. For instance, I’m sure Lindsay Lohan would love to rekindle the spray tan-dipped romance they had so many years ago! It has the makings of a classic Hollywood love story! After more than a decade apart, two former tweener messes reunite after flirting online (“Hey sexy, I bored – wan 2 fuck?“) to rub their rash-covered parts on each other in a dirty hotel room and snort anything they can crush up and fit through a straw. Then they’ll hit a rough patch when Aaron catches the Apricot Ashtray trying to steal $20 from his wallet while he’s taking a shit. So romantic! It’s just like The Notebook!
Thousands of children have been told by their 30-something mothers to go and play in the street or whatever, because mommy needs a little “me time” and by that she means she needs to scream and bawl out the words, “IT SHOULD’VE BEEN MEEEEEEEE,” while doing the endless wall slide of woe. Because the youngest Backstreet Boy Nick Carter got married yesterday in Santa Barbara, CA. I’m not one of those hos crying about this shit, because I was never into the Backstreet Boys and if I was, I’d get the tingles for Kevin Richardson. I wouldn’t turn down a chance to suck off those brows.
Anyway, People says that 34-year-old Nick married fitness expert/actress (nothing is more L.A. than a fitness expert/actress) Lauren Kitt in front of 100 guests, including 2 of the Backstreet Boys, at the Bacarat Resort. Nothing says “wedded bliss” like a groom making a “the fuck did I just do?” face while his bride smiles at the camera. Nick and Lauren bumped fuck parts full-time for a while before they got engaged last year. Because Nick would rather Vh1 pay for his fancy wedding to a chick he might only be married to for a quick second, the whole thing was shot for a reality show, which will start airing sometime this year.
Sadly, the best Carter, Aaron Carter, wasn’t at his brother’s wedding. Aaron cannot turn down a check, so he performed at the Cherry Blossom parade in DC and he didn’t make it back to California in time because the plane had mechanical problems. Damn you, Spirit Airlines! Aaron’s rep (yes, he has on those) said this:
“Aaron signed a contract to appear at the Cherry Blossom parade in D.C. before Nick’s wedding date was announced. [We] realized there was a problem and figured out he could perform and get him to Santa Barbara so he would be there for the last two hours of the reception. Tickets were purchased and the plan was in place. It was a major operation to get him there in time. Aaron didn’t blow anything off and would have been there – it’s a real bummer for him. He feels bad he missed the wedding.”
Nick Carter is an asshole for not canceling his wedding. How can he get married without his former partner in meth, his brother, next to him? How can he dance with his new wife without his brother next to them dancing with a Hilary Duff cardboard cutout? I bet the Hilary Duff cardboard cutout was finally going to put out last night too. Poor Aaron.
Meth might’ve eaten Aaron Carter’s face and any dignity he had in his being, but it didn’t eat the undying love he feels for Hilary Duff. Hilary and Aaron “dated” when they were just 13 years old and that was over 14 years ago, but every night he blasts “Come Clean,” crawls into his Lizzie McGuire sleeping bag and as he stares at the photo collage of her he pasted onto his ceiling, he faps while crying. My thoughts and prayers go out to Aaron Carter’s neighbors who every night have to block out the sound of him fap-crying while screaming out the lyrics to “Come Clean.”
Aaron has let it be known on Twitter before that he wants Hilary Duff back. And yesterday, the Romeo of Florida once again figuratively threw tiny rocks at Hilary Duff’s bedroom window when he re-tweeted a picture of her and then spilled out this declaration of love, which will later be used in court when Hilary Duff tries to get a restraining order against his ass.
Don’t be that stupid douche that loses the love of your life forever..
I’ll spend the rest of my life trying to better myself to get back to her.
I don’t care what ANY of you think.
That tweet just gave me an anxiety attack
..people who have no idea who I am and/or what I’ve been through.
If you’re that interested watch my interviews or google me.
At least I’m real and don’t hide behind the persona of being a celebrity and an entertainer, &try to portray positive feelings all the time
On a lighter note it’s almost Easter and I want tons of candy to eat!!
Lindsay Lohan probably DMed Aaron with, “Aw, I never stopped loving you either, got any coke?” But Aaron told one of his followers that he was talking about his childhood girlfriend Hilary Duff.
If you think it’s creepy that Aaron is still slobbering over a girl he dated when he was 13, then you’re obviously the kind of monster who shits on true love and stabs cherubs for fun. Because true love will always prevail! 50 years from now, Aaron will be laughing at all the haters who thought he was a creepy motherfucker while cuddling on the couch with his wife of 49 years Hilary Duff as they watch their grandchildren play on the rug. You know, I think I just described the scene that Aaron is going to daydream about in his jail cell after the cops catch him licking Hilary Duff’s dirty panties in her bedroom.
And welcome to your future, Justin and Selena.
I don’t know what’s worse: referring to Hilary Duff as a divorcée, or that it’s 2014 and I’m bringing you a story about Aaron Carter that isn’t about declaring bankruptcy or his appearance on a 3rd-tier reality show like Curling with the Stars or I’m A Celebrity, Get Me Out Of Here – Ukraine Edition.
It’s only been 4 days since Hilary Duff announced her split from Mike Comrie (a man with the hardest working neck in the business), but it looks like Aaron Carter is hoping to swoop in and rekindle the romance they had once upon a time. Oh, don’t tell me you’ve already forgotten the pre-Angelina-Brad-Jennifer love-triangle that was Hilary-Aaron-Lindsay?
It all began when Aaron took to Twitter to tweet some cryptic messages immediately after news broke that Lizzie McGuire’s marriage was dunzo:
But everyone knows that on Twitter, “don’t ask” means “please ask, I have so many thoughts” so most of his followers started tweeting him asking if he was referring to the possibility that Hilary Duff is back on the market. He allegedly responded to one inquisitive follower via DM with what I accidentally mistook for Air Supply lyrics:
Shortly after this, some of Aaron’s Twitter followers started tweeting that Hilary Duff had followed-up her divorce announcement by following Aaron on Twitter, so I went through the list of who she’s following to see if this was true, but I didn’t see Aaron. I’d call Aaron’s followers a bunch of drama-loving dummies, but I’m the one who spent 10 minutes of my life scrolling through Hilary’s following list like Bob Woodward on the cusp of breaking the story of the century, so who’s the real dummy here.
Nobody’s asked what Hilary Duff thinks of all of this, but one can assume she’s at home frantically squeezing into her wedding dress and using flashcards to teach her son Luca about his new ‘Unky Aaron’. I think I smell the next Nicholas Sparks movie; Aaron’s Heart (Come Get It). Hilary could be played by Emma Roberts (or if the budget is tight, Haylie Duff) and Aaron could be played by a janitor’s mop in meth drag.
Aaron Carter, best known for his singing career, living as a walking, talking Faces of Meth poster and being the piece of scrap meat Hilary Duff and Lindsay Lohan once cat fought over in a back alley, is filing for Chapter 7 after getting his ass in a ridiculous amount of debt.
This is how the numbers play out according to TMZ:
Liabilities- $2,204,854, including owing $31,166 to American Express
He owes the IRS $1,368,140
Monthly income – $1,997.75 with monthly expenses of $2,005 ($600 of which is spent on food)
As for his assets, he lists a 61″ flat screen worth $500. He also lists 2 MacBooks, 2 Headset Mics, a Mini Keyboard, Portable Beats, a speaker, a guitar, Louis Vuitton backpack, a duffle bag and a printer worth a total of $2,500. And he owns a Brietling watch worth $3,750.
What the fuck did he buy to rack up thirty thousand dollars in credit card debt to end up with the same crap you can find in any college student’s shitty apartment after student loan checks are sent out? Well, except for the LV backpack and watch, which scream “Scottsdale retiree”. Do drug dealers even take AmEx? Bitch needs to dial back his dietary needs if he’s still spending $600 a month to feed himself. Broke times call for broke measures and that means all the Ramen and canned chili your ass can stand (literally on that last one).
The worst part about Aaron’s paperwork was that he valued his dog at ZERO. Call Lloyd Dobbler and have him bring the boom box- Aaron is about to get a wake up call serenade of Sarah McLachlan’s “Angel” on repeat until he cries like someone just flushed his stash. Animal friends are PRICELESS, thank you very much! This is giving me shades of my parent’s divorce when my dad put our golden retriever as an asset. Thankfully, we got the dog and he got an Ethan Allen couch so ugly it made you flinch.
Aaron’s current financial situation is so dire he’s living with a family member and I hope he’s spending his nights stretched out on a curb couch that smells like pee and hepatitis and looks like it came from one of the rooms those gross assholes at Febreeze dream up to put in their commercials. Aaron should call Lindsay up to hang out and get some tips from the Teflon Queen on how to skate through a puddle of shit and end up on the other side smelling like roses. They can pass a Grey Goose bottle they found empty in a dumpster and filled with Seagram’s back and forth while they pick each other’s scabs and crank call Lindsay’s sober coach before sending Dina out to “entertain” a gentleman caller for tomorrow’s booze money.
Not since the Sharks fan kicked the Jets down has there been a gang story as hard as this one. Aaron Carter let all of us know that wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt in Boston is like wearing red in Crips territory. You’re going to get beat. (Actually, wearing an Aaron Carter t-shirt anywhere is going to get you beat, but wearing one in Boston will really get you beat.)
Aaron Carter posted a picture on his Instagram this past weekend of him with a busted eye and he says that he got it from four hardcore NKOTB fans who didn’t like him being in Boston. Aaron was in Boston over the weekend to play a show on Sunday night and he says that as he was leaving a restaurant on Saturday night, a grown dude came at him in the parking lot and said the most threatening words that have ever been said, “I heard you’re doing a show here tomorrow. This is the town of the New Kids.“A Chevy Malibu then pulled up (A CHEVY MALIBU!) and three other dudes jumped out. They popped the collars on their acid wash denim vests and chanted at Aaron, “Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh. Everybody’s always talkin’ ’bout who’s on top! Don’t cross our path, ’cause you’re gonna get stomped!” Then they knocked him out by doing the Hangin’ Touch dance in unison. At least, that’s how I picture it happening.
Aaron tells TMZ that as soon as the three other New Kids fans, who were all grown men, jumped out of the Chevy Malibu, they whooped his trick ass. Aaron said, “I think my knuckles might be broken, but that’s what they get. People think I’m a pretty little white boy but no way. I think I won. I’m still standing.”
Aaron performed in Boston anyway, because he’s hard like that. Aaron says he didn’t file a police report because that’s “girlie.” That’s right! Real men run to their hotel rooms and upload pictures of their bruises on Instagram.
I LOVE THIS STORY. If this story had a b-hole, I’d bone it. Who cares if Aaron made this entire story up and he probably got those bruises in a meth deal gone wrong. Who cares if that black eye probably came from a meth dealer who didn’t appreciate Aaron asking, “Uh, can I suck yo dick for a gram?” Who cares! Aaron Carter makes up the best stories.
“This is the town of New Kids” is the most badass line I’ve ever heard.