Category: White Oprah
White Oprah Gives Good Interview
When an interview starts with White Oprah turning down a free cocktail right after the host calls her “gorgeous” to her not gorgeous face, you just know it’s going to be a stumbling pedicab crash straight into a wall of lies. And it was.
While wearing a dress from an Australian designer she can’t talk about (because she shoved that dress in her purse at his store when he wasn’t looking), the Mother of Every Year rambled through a variety of ridiculous topics from how she’s starting a talent management company for children to how she’s navigating the waters of negativity one booze cruise at a time.
The talent management company for children is a great idea. That way Child Protective Services doesn’t have to waste time setting up stings to catch shit parents. They just have to confiscate White Oprah’s client roster.
Basically, what I got from this mess of an interview is that White Oprah is a single mom of 4, a terrible person, an NYU Dance major, a despicable human being, a single mom of 4, an awful mother, an NYU Dance major, a desperate heathen, a singe mom of 4, a piece of uncouth trash and an NYU Dance major. Did I mention that she’s a single mom of 4 and an NYU Dance major?
White Oprah only speaks in coke-induced Lohan tongues so what she really means by that is that she’s a foul mom of zero and majored in Delusional Ass Nasty Cunt Evilness at New Yuck University. Me too!
What I’m also getting from this interview is that I never want White Oprah to stop speaking. The trash that comes out of her talk hole is like a Slippery Nipple shot for my soul.
From your ears to God’s lips, White Oprah. Burp!
via ONTD
These Messes
There definitely is a more creative and wittier headline out there (and it isn’t coming from me), but that’s the first thing I said out loud when I brought up these gorgeous portraits from the gutter. Then I went to pee (which stung, by the way, and I blame these pictures), sat back down and thought the same thing again. I was about to type “Look At What The Cat Dragged In,” but that would’ve been factually incorrect on every level. I know some dirty skanky alley cats who consider a pigeon’s anus as a meal and even they wouldn’t put their mouths on either one of these bumbling busted bitches. It’s like Courtney Stodden took her Dorian Gray portrait out for a 40. You decide which is which.
If you were in the Meatpacking District in Manhattan last night and were wondering why flies riding roaches riding rats were galloping through the streets in hoards headed uptown, it’s because the living embodiment of Grey Gardens for the crack whore set came out to party. Just a mess. Lindsay Lohan looks like she’s a shot away from spiraling into a drunk coma right there on the street while dumb-eyed White Oprah is too blinded by the fame to care.
LiLo: Um. Mom? The tequila went straight to my legs and turned them into worms. I’m just going to go mimi times on these strange looking tiny grey pillows.
White Oprah: HOLD ON TO YOUR 8-BALLS, BOYS! BAM! YES! BOOM!
LiLo: No, seriously, why is that man in a black hood carrying that thing the Grim Reaper carries winking at me?
White Oprah: THE NAAAAAAME ON EVERYBODY’S LIPS IS GONNA BE…WHITE OPRAH!
LiLo: Where am I? I see a bright light.
White Oprah: IT’S THE CAMERAS, BABY! FLASHING FOR ME…I MEAN…US. SPARKLE, KITTEN, SPARKLE!”
Seriously, White Oprah is Lucifer in Chinese Laundry heels.
That being said, White Oprah has never looked hotter. Well, her look is very “tired Regan-era call girl who got demoted to the morning shift but still shows up to the hotel bar at 8pm on Saturday night like she’s prime shit.”
And LiLo might look like she’s about to pass out, but apparently she got some energy when she got inside the V Magazine party at The Boom Boom Room. This happened:
@womensweardaily Women’s Wear Daily
Lindsay Lohan just threw a full drink at a boy at V magazine party who dared to snap her pic. #NYFW
11 hours ago via web
The boy was a photographer for V Magazine who added this (via ONTD):
@JasperRischen Jasper Rischen
Wow. Lindsay Lohan is as trashy as they always say. She threw drinks and glasses to me as we tried to take a shot for @vmagazine. C.u.n.t.
11 hours ago via Twitter for BlackBerry®
And then this happened:
@Styleite Styleite
And now people are bleeding at the @vmagazine party. Not sure what’s going on, but it’s at Lindsay Lohan’s table.
10 hours ago via Twitter for iPhoneTo clarify: girl left in an ambulance but looked OK. FDNY were calm, took their time. Didn’t look like a suicide attempt, just an accident.
9 hours ago via Twitter for iPhone
Yup, still got it!
White Oprah Is Not Worried About Ali Lohan’s New Face
White Oprah’s vodka plunger mouth has been mysteriously shut during this whole “Ali Lohan now looks like a walking Weekly World News cover” mess and I just figured it’s because she doesn’t issue a MAN DOWN CODE 10 ALERT unless her ATM card stops working or the delivery dude from Beefeater doesn’t show up to fill the gin cooler in her bedroom…and I was right.
White Oprah, seen in the picture above as Mother Unnatural, is telling her friends that everyone can calm their hot b-holes (“Mix a little coke with the innards of a wet Sleepytime Tea bag and rub it on the hot spot real careful-like” – White Oprah giving her mostly herbal remedy of the day!), because her 17-year-old daughter hasn’t plasticized her face and isn’t anorexia-ing her way to model beauty.
White Oprah says Ali is just going through a growth spurt! You know, because every 17-year-old’s growth spurt looks like it was watered with heroin juice and fertilized with back alley collagen that might really be gel soil. A source had this to say to Radar about what White Oprah sees through her delusion-colored eyes:
“Dina is adamant though that Ali is just going through a very big growth spurt, and there is absolutely no cause for concern. If Dina thought for one moment that Ali was suffering from an eating disorder, or feeling the pressure to be thin, she would terminate Ali’s modeling contract, and get her the necessary help.
Ali is the one who has pestered her mom for years to get into the business. Dina held-off for years, but felt now the time was right for Ali to get into the business. As long as Dina isn’t concerned, Lindsay isn’t worried either.”
Oh, that White Oprah is such a restrained pimp. Whoring Ali out in that reality show and pushing her in front of the paparazzi any chance she gets definitely falls under the “holding off” category. White Oprah would never allow Ali to tap dance down the same tragic road as Goddess Bunny and she’d never replace her bowl of morning cereal with a bowl of mashed Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull. NEVAH! But mostly because do you know how fucking expensive Leptoprin and Diet Red Bull is?! It’s Mexican Ephedra and toilet bowl cleaner all the way!
White Oprah might be a creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration, but she’s a frugal creature of evil that Lucifer looks to when he needs inspiration. TYVM.
Ali Lohan Has A New Face
On the left is Ali Lohan back in 2009 and on the right is someone the paps say is 17-year-old Ali Lohan in Beverly Hills yesterday, but I’m not so sure since how in White Oprah’s coke spoon hell is that the same being?! The list of things White Oprah should be slapped in the mouth for is as full as full can be, but room should be made and this mess right here should be moved right up to the very top. It’s official, the Lohan’s family plastic surgery hates them more than any other bitch.
I can go on and on about how Ali’s freckles have been replaced with zero food and spider leg brows, but I’m going to go sit in my end of the world bunk instead since V was obviously right and the teenage lizard aliens (also see: Courtney Stodden) have finally arrived. While I do that, please bust a CITIZEN’S ARREST on White Oprah or at least leave a trail of Jägerbombs from the rest stop bathroom she passed out in last night to Death Row.
Stunning. Fresh. Gorgeous.
No, this is not a page from the “Buy 1 Get 1 Free” clearance section of a Russian brides catalog that caters to gerontophile gentlemen who are in the market for a pre-owned model. This is Lindsay Lohan (on the left) and White Oprah (on the right) looking like if Jerri Blank brought Aunt Magda as her date to her winter formal. If Florida public access did a low-budget version of The Real Housewives of Boca, this is what it would look like.
Blohan and White Oprah peeled themselves out from under the heat lamp on the Sizzler buffet line and Crisco-ed themselves into the finest gowns from Frederick’s to watch Kim Kardashian make a Geico caveman her second husband (and counting). Kim’s invitation said that all hos must only wear black and/or white, so it’s not like Blohan tried to hump the spotlight away from the bride. I wouldn’t put it past her, but she had more important things to worry about. Like trying to sneak as many centerpieces into the trunk of her car so she can sell them later on eBay.
To see more priceless and coked up pictures of the Orange Chicken Sisters, click over to ONTD or Gossip Center. Those who don’t already know will probably spend a few minutes trying to figure out which one came out of the other one’s vagina. They’re both on the wrong side of 48. But my favorite part of those pictures isn’t that they both have the complexion of a chicharone. It’s that they both obviously looked into the mirror of delusion and said at the same time, “Damn, bitch, we’re going to make dicks rise tonight!”
Here’s more pictures from Kim’s second pre-divorce ceremony of her bridesmaids, Gaycrest, Julianne Hough, Brody Jenner and Avril Lavigne. This mess looks like one of Charlie Chaplin’s black & white bowel movements.
Lindsay Lohan Thinks She Should’ve Been In Black Swan
The pieces I’ve read from Plum Miami Magazine’s article on Lindsay
Just like what White Oprah should’ve done those many years ago, she pulled out. So writer Jacquelynn Powers had to make do with what LiLo gave her on the set of the photo shoot and it was just freckled gold covered in fuckery. LiLo started spewing the self-entitlement from the very beginning….
“As we pulled up to the Fontainebleau, a bright-orange parking cone was blocking the entrance. Not accustomed to waiting, apparently, she lowered the car’s window and shouted, ‘Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan,'” Powers recalls. “And it was done.”
You know the orange cone thought to itself, “Move that cunt. I’m actually useful.”
But seriously, “Move that cone. I’m Lindsay Lohan.” is the kind of beautiful poetry that made White Oprah put down her bowl of chardonnay and wipe a tear that mixed with the crusted remains of a kamikaze shot that splattered against her face when a bar back tried to do a shot off her neck the night before (BONUS!). It truly is a good line that should be etched into the asshole of Lindsay Lohan’s tombstone. But the foolery didn’t stop there….
Noting that Lohan drank wine while discussing her sobriety, Powers says the Mean Girls star was “constantly looking for drama, whether it was picking a fight with her younger sister…or freaking out over a lost pair of Zanotti heels.”
In case you’re wondering what a fight between The Curious Case of Ali Lohan and Blohan would look like, click here.
And here’s the best part of this masterful act of delusion:
Frustrated with the state of her career, Lohan said she “took ballet until she was 19 and was indignant that she was not considered for the movie Black Swan,” Powers adds.
Though Lohan abruptly canceled the interview, that didn’t stop her from making the most out of her time in Miami. “Monday morning was supposed to be check-out time, but Lindsay and her posse refused to leave,” Powers writes. “It was like watching the lights come on at a nightclub after-hours — not pretty.”
What. More. Is. There. To. Say? But Lindsay Lohan is right. Bitch should’ve been in Black Swan, and I’m not confusing Black Swan with Crack Swan either. You know that demon that fucks a load of nightmares into Natalie Portman’s being? The first thing I thought after seeing that monster was, “Nope. Not scary enough. Should’ve been Lohan…. Should’ve been Lohan...”
via UsWeekly