Just In Time For Mother’s Day!

White Oprah, the Underground Drug Dealers Association’s mother of every year, was generous enough to share her parenting tips with The Daily Beast to help other single mothers raise upstanding citizens of society like she has. Basically, what I’m guessing is that The Daily Beast meant to run this feature on April Fools Day but forgot and is running it on Mother’s Day Weekend instead! From one daily beast to another:

On Being a Single Mom: “The secret to single parenting is to just teach them what you can teach them … And you pray that instills in them for the rest of their life. You let them go, and if they fall, you’re there to pick them up.”

Translation: The secret to single parenting is to whore them out every chance you get. I didn’t stretch my snatch out for nothing! WHORE. THOSE. LITTLE. FUCKERS. OUT. Do you really want to work? Read my nostrils when I say that it’s much more fun to do body shots with the crew in your kid’s trailer than to work like other losers! …..And you pray that they never OD so they can pay your bar tab for the rest of YOUR life. If they fall, you call the paparazzi to capture their fall and then you only help them up after you’ve given the exclusive to Inside Edition. I’m LIKETHIS with Debbie Norville.

On Discipline: “The boys got into more mischief. Lindsay, I’m trying to think… she was always good in school and was like my little buddy. She never really got into too much mischief young. She was a late bloomer.”

Translation: THE BOYS! THE BOYS! Lordhelpmejesus. The boys don’t bring in as much dough, so I just welded a condom onto them and pray they don’t knock anything up! I means, can you imagine this high ball of sexiness as a grandmother to a bunch of screaming brats? Illegal, I tell you. Holdup. How much do you think Life & Style would pony up for an exclusive picture of me hugging the sonogram scan of my grandbaby’s face? MAH! MAH! Yank those condoms off the boys! What were we talking about again? Are you going to drink that? Where am I?

On Being in the Spotlight: “No child’s perfect. They’re going to get into trouble, whether it’s big or small. Unfortunately, we’re a global name so they know about it in Indonesia. But just be there for your child, and if you see signs that they’re doing things they shouldn’t be doing, get them help.”

Translation: I hear that in Jakarta there’s a stripper who shoots lychee Jell-O shots out of her hooha and her stage name is, get ready for it, DINA LOHAN! Can you believe that? I’m world famous!

Now, I’m not a parent, but I think I speak for all parents when I say that the secret to good parenting is to do the complete opposite of everything White Oprah has done.

Fudgie The Whale Is Not Right For This

Last summer, Carvel’s Fudgie the Whale and the childhood snatcher of Long Island got into a back alley knife fight after White Oprah abused Lindsay Lohan’s Carvel Black Card by trying to get another free cake for her son’s birthday. At the time, Fudgie the Whale wouldn’t even shit out a ball of chocolate ice cream into White Oprah’s mouth if she was dying of ice cream deprivation (there’s such a thing). But oh how things have changed, because look at what we have here. Fudgie and White Oprah are just laughing and smiling like they weren’t at each other’s throats a few months ago.

Even the children in the audience need answers. That little boy is definitely throwing a “this better be a trap and I hope Cookie Puss is going to bust through that door to handle a bitch” side-eye. And the little girl is raising her hand to ask what is the meaning of the foolery that is happening before her.

White Oprah and Fudge’s story is that they have joined forces to promote healthy eating in schools. Just call her White Michelle Obama from now on. Here’s the press from ProticaCares:

Dina Lohan appeared this Tuesday as a guest speaker at a kick-off event for a new charitable campaign, the ProticaCares Sweet Treats Giveaway program. Lohan spoke to a group of more than 100 K-2 students at the Brookside School in Baldwin, NY, about the importance of balanced nutrition and the combination of healthy and sweet treats as part of a well-rounded diet and lifestyle. The national program will send a Carvel® Ice Cream cake and a variety of tasty, healthy treats to a different U.S. grade school or children’s hospital unit every week for the next 75 years.

“Healthy eating and good dieting has always been something I’ve tried to teach my children,” says Lohan. “A strong body will give you a strong mind. The opportunity to work with the ProticaCares program and extend that message to children in my own community was an exciting opportunity that I wanted to be a part of. The event was a tremendous success, and I think ProticaCares will go a long way in educating children across the country that you can eat sweet treats but always in moderation and always with a good mix of healthy treats, too.”

Yes, because when I think of healthy eating I immediately think of White Oprah and ice cream cakes. GENIUS campaign! I mean it. There are zero granules of sarcasm in those last 3 sentences. I mean, a picture of Fudgie the Whale IS my food chart, so he’s the epitome of healthy eating to me. And I’m sure White Oprah regularly cuts the coke with cauliflower powder to make sure LiLo gets her daily serving of vegetables.

Delusional Thoughts With White Oprah

One of my fantasies is to be in a documentary version of “Honey, I Shrunk the Kids” called “Honey, I Shrunk the Gay” just so I can be miniaturized. Then I can crawl up White Oprah’s black hole nostril, crawl over her whiskey snot balls, stumble through the cocaine tundra in her nose canal and make my way up to her brain, because you know it’s a fantastical world of nonsense in there. I’d waltz with fried brain cells, take a dip in the Adderall powder pool and marvel at the WTF images projected in the Jack Daniels Theater. The HUH? shit this crazy comes up with…..

Take this mess for instance, White Oprah echoed her “Lindsay is a one name WONDER” thought to Popeater and goes on to say that her innocent child really is going to drop the Lohan from her name completely. And the American Crackhead Comedy Award goes to…..

“Lindsay is dropping the Lohan and just going by Lindsay. Plus, me and Ali will be officially changing our last names back to my maiden name, Sullivan.”

A “family friend” dipped a few more gems into fuckery’s gas stank by saying, “So many of the greatest people in showbiz are known by just their first name. Look at Oprah and Beyonce. Now you can add Lindsay to that list. And it’s a way for them all to start over. No one in the family want anything to do with Lindsay’s father anymore and that includes sharing a last name.”

Maybe she can legally change her name to Prisoner No. 666-BITCHPLEASE or HAHA since that’s what she’ll be addressed as in a couple of months.

But really, what is wrong with them?! The Lohans (who will FOREVER be Lohans) live in a fart bubble that must filter out any mention of Lindsay Wagner or Lindsay Price. Because those Lindsays are way more famous. You can take the Lohan out of the Lohan, but you can’t take the DELUSION out of the Lohan.

Hold On To Your 8-Balls, Los Angeles, The Lohans Are Together Again!

The parking lot of the T.G.I. Friday’s on Long Island will be extra quiet for a while now that White Oprah isn’t there to drunkenly holler while being escorted out by bus boys after happy hour. That’s because White Oprah, Ali, Cody and Michael Jr. are in Los Angeles to support Lindsay Lohan as she receives a most improved award at the Oscars this Sunday. No, but I’m sure that’s what White Oprah told the ladies in the stalls next to her at the T.G.I. Friday’s bathroom before she snorted a line of Vivarin off the toilet seat. The real truth is that the Lohans have gathered together to be with LiLo for her latest date with the court this week.

Unfortunately, Nana Lohan couldn’t make the trip. She started to pack her overnight carpet bag (which strangely enough is SamRo’s nickname for LiLo), but quickly realized that she just doesn’t give a shit.

This Again….

There was a rumor going around that SamRo and LiLo spent Valentine’s Day together and might be bumping baginas again, but I took that with a grain of kitty litter masquerading as dirty coke. Lindsay Lohan will forever be the Alicia Silverstone to SamRo’s Cary Elwes. SamRo will always find LiLo hiding out in her dirty laundry basket, sniffing her dildos for foreign pussy dust and trying to empty a wasps’ nest into the vents when her new fuck partner is in the darkroom. It’s just the way it is, but I didn’t think SamRo would want to bring the crazy back into her life. But I guess she does.

TMZ posted a picture of SamRo and LiLo leaving a club early this morning while looking like they just snorting human brains. ZOMBIE HELL. And a few hours later, SamRo Tweeted the above Tweet. LiLo is a crazy bitch who stalked SamRo, broke out one of her windows, caused her family members to reach for a restraining order and she’s still lounging to next to that inside/out Butterfinger? They must see episodes of The L-Word with flashes of the Northern Lights when they do it, because they are willing to go crazy for each other.

I’m sorry, but no pussy (or dick) is worth getting the words “nervous breakdown due to good pussy” scrawled on your mental health file. I think.

And while her little girl was passed out next to the Caucasian Skeletor, White Oprah was on Good Morning America for I don’t even know. I guess when she made her pact with the devil, she agreed to terrorize the public with her face and delusions as much as possible. Here’s White Oprah saying more of the same.

In case you don’t want to watch the clip above because The Grudge has made you superstitious of dark-sided videos, here’s a few things White Oprah covered:

On LiLo’s advice to Charlie Sheen: “Just….get help.”

On how she’s morally correct: “My parents taught me well, just to live morally correct and be a good person. She’s in Hollywood, she’s under a microscope so it’s a lot more difficult.”

On how the media keeps trying to drag her family down: “God willing she won’t go back to jail. It’s not a happy moment for us. I really can’t talk about the case, it’s pending. We have great attorneys and the media makes it a lot worse than it really is. We stick to the facts. The media has gotten nothing wrong, it’s just what you do.”

On how George Stephanopoulos and the rest of the media keeps asking the wrong questions: “You’re not focusing on her sobriety or how well she’s doing. Nobody talks about the positive. Everyone just wants to knock you down.”

On if LiLo’s managers and agents are part of the problem: “We’re working with her team. They’re great people now. They are media experts. Lindsay is just a little girl who loves to work. I could care less if she does another movie. But you have to surround yourself with people who get the business.”

On the mistakes she’s made as a mother: “I’m learning as I go as well… You don’t get a parent handbook. I’m a single mother of four kids and we’re very close. It’s been difficult and I can’t say I have any answers but all we can do is love our kids and be there for them. And catch them when we fall. And instill what I’ve learned from my parents who have been married for 50 years.”

On what LiLo wants: “Lindsay just wants everyone to leave us alone and let her live her life. Let her grow up. She’s 24, and that’s not young, she’s a young woman. I just think…to just breathe.”

When George ended the interview, White Oprah actually said something intelligent: “I have no idea what I just said.”

Who Is White Oprah Planning To Sue Today?

Patty Hearst’s daughter Lydia is all set to play a spoiled movie actress who fills her nostrils with the bad shit and has been in rehab about as many times as she’s drunkenly crashed into parked cars in a film called Dogs in Pocketbooks. The description of Lydia’s character is pretty much what the foreword on Lindsay Lohan’s psychiatric file reads like, so every bitch with a brain cell figures that shit is based on her. Well, when anybody tries to mess with the pristine Lohan name, White Oprah pulls her head out of the truck stop bathroom toilet and immediately calls her lawyers. Bitch did it with Glee, and now she’s doing it with this mess. White Oprah fired this statement off to TMZ:

“The new movie is definitely based on Lindsay’s likeness. We have a very strong case. Anyone bringing negativity will be dealt with accordingly.”

White Oprah’s lawyer Stephanie Ovadia adds that the movie is using LiLo’s likeness without paying up.

Many of us say that White Oprah has the mothering skills of a guppy, but this proves that she does have a maternal bone in the dehydrated mound of ground up hyena meat she calls her body. I mean, White Oprah probably read the words “coked up mess of a dumb slut” and immediately spewed out dollar sign-shaped tears before shouting, “That’s my baby!” See, a mother always knows her child.