“Dad, Mom’s On Cocaine!”

UPDATE: The audio has been yanked down, so click here to listen to some wonderful family bonding.

“Dad, Mom’s On Cocaine” really should be the title for Lindsay Lohan’s Mommie Dearest-like tell-all. That’s a GOOD title.

Because Michael Lohan is a loving and caring father who always wants the best for his daughter, he pressed the record button when Lindsay Lohan called his charbroiled turtle-looking ass last night to cry about how she was being kidnapped by her mom and the limo driver. Michael Lohan sold the tape to TMZ, because again, he’s a loving and caring father, and because mesh shirts don’t grow on trees.

As most of us know, Michael Lohan called the cops last night after the twin terrors of Long Island, LiLo and White Oprah, got into it. The story goes that after partying until 4am in Manhattan, LiLo wanted the limo to take her back to her hotel in the city, but White Oprah wanted the car to take her back to Long Island. Why the driver didn’t take LiLo to her hotel first and then take White Oprah home is beyond me. These are the Lohans I’m talking about, they want to make shit as extra dramatic as possible.

Sometime during the ride, the two messes started fighting about the $40,000 LiLo gave White Oprah to save her house from foreclosure. White Oprah didn’t want to give it back and that’s when LiLo called Michael Lohan. The tape is a mess. It’s dysfunction’s official soundtrack. At one point, LiLo tells Michael that White Oprah is on coke and keeps scratching her neck.

You know, Lindsay Lohan is the loser here and she should be ashamed of herself. That entitled piece of buzz-killing trash. Poor White Oprah. White Oprah probably just had the night of her life! There she was, popping her 50-year-old pussy with a bunch of 20-somethings at the club. White Oprah was thinking to herself, “Mama’s still got it!” while doing it Gangnam Style on top of a table. Then she gazed into the crowd and caught a hot dude making eye contact with the plastic baggie of coke hanging out of her coochie. White Oprah winked at him and they both made their way to the bathroom where they did lines off of the toilet seat before she barfed in his mouth a little bit while they made out. They tried to exchange numbers, but White Oprah forgot what numbers were, so they just had to keep that beautiful moment in their hearts and remember it forever.

So White Oprah was high on coke and LIVING LIFE and that whiny Lindsay Lohan had to ruin it all by asking for her money back. What a bitch. White Oprah has totally sucked more dicks than Lindsay Lohan has, so she should get some respect!

And my favorite part of the tape is when Michael Lohan’s threatening to call the Feds (eye roll) on the driver and the driver’s like, “What’s up? How you doing?” I love that driver.