Whoopi Goldberg Says Justin Bieber’s Use Of The N-Word Is Ok Because It’s Not A Slur In Canada

Canada is a wacky, upside-down country. They have two types of money. They apologize for everything. You can walk into a hospital without your wallet and leave with a new kidney of your choosing. Despite this, you don’t need a US-to-Canadian translation book when traveling north of the border. All the words are the same. Stop means Stop. Drunk means Drunk. Go Fuck Youself is still Go Fuck Yourself (an “eh?” may be added if you want to sound local).

However, Whoopi Goldberg explained on The View Monday that we shouldn’t get mad at the stinky training pants skid-mark Justin Bieber for gleefully belting out “One Less Lonely Nigger” because the American n-word isn’t the same as the Canadian n-word:

“You know, Canadian words — I’m going to say the word so get ready to beat me. Nigger doesn’t mean anything in Canada. And how do I know this? Well, I did a movie last year, in Canada, and a young, wonderful Canadian woman wrote it, and I’m reading it and I’m thinking, ‘We wouldn’t say anything like this.’ So I went to the director and I said, what is this? And he said, oh, she lives here. And I said so she doesn’t know anything, she doesn’t get what we’re talking about.”

“What I’m saying is that, when you are 15 and you’re someplace where that’s not a word that you have associated with people of colour…they weren’t calling them that.”

As a Canadian person who was born in Canada and speaks fluent Canadian (I can watch Trailer Park Boys without the subtitles on), Whoopi is all sorts of wrong on the n-word not being a slur in Canada. It’s still a slur, and a major one at that. Hell, just typing “the n-word” has got me feeling all kinds of gross. So unless Justin Bieber was singing in some weird sub-dialect of Stratford where the n-word is considered a term of endearment, Justin Bieber knew he was being an offensive shithead.

And I bet Jonah Hill is trying to work Whoopi’s theory of Canadian words into his next apology: “I didn’t mean to use the word faggot in a homophobic way, I meant it in the Canadian way.”

The Advice In Alicia Silverstone’s Parenting Book Is Exactly As Bonkers As You’d Think

Even if you forced yourself to write down the craziest, most insane advice you could think of after chugging a dozen bottles of Pediasure in a windowless room while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” on repeat for 8 straight hours, you still wouldn’t reach the level of questionable at work in Alicia Silverstone’s new parenting manual The Kind Mama. Thankfully, you don’t have to, because The Daily Beast got their hands on a copy and compiled some of the best quotes about parenting from the woman who believes vaccinations are shots of “aluminum and formaldehyde”, Dr. Bird-feeder (not a real doctor):

On how drinking milk is basically like taking a garbage-filled shit in your uterus:
“Meat, dairy, and processed foods” should be avoided, she says, because they are “tracking toxic sludge through your baby house.” (“Baby house” = uterus).

On why Huggies is THE DEVIL:
Kind mamas can avoid funneling money into the “multibillion-dollar” disposable diaper industry, which is “fueled by corporate-backed pseudoscience.”

On why Tampax is THE DEVIL:
“Feminine-care manufacturers aren’t required to tell you what’s in their products, which means that no one’s talking about the potential pesticide residues from non-organic cotton and the ‘fragrances’ containing hormone-upsetting, fertility-knocking phthalates that are snuggling up to your hoo-ha.”

On why you’re THE DEVIL if you don’t let your baby sleep in your bed:
The alternative – forcing your helpless baby to sleep “in a barred-in box completely alone” – may well amount to child neglect.

On (brace yourselves, stupid is coming) vaccinations:
“There is increasing anecdotal evidence from doctors who have gotten distressed phone calls from parents claiming their child was ‘never the same’ after receiving a vaccine. And I personally have friends whose babies were drastically affected in this way.”

I’m a firm believer in ‘You do you’, so I have no feels or shits to give on whether or not Cher from Clueless lets her kid shit in the grass or sleeps in her bed or breastfeeds till he’s 12. What I do have a problem with is someone who’s credentials are “was in Aerosmith videos” writing a book about parenting, especially when their source material is basically email forwards from your misinformed paranoid aunt. Don’t get me wrong – I still think she should write whatever book she wants – I just also think said book should come with a sticker on the front that says “Find out more on the Internet! No really…we urge you to double check the legitimacy of every claim in this book.”

Cool Mom Alessandra Ambrosio Brought Her 5-Year-Old To Coachella

I’ve never been to Coachella (there but for the grace of god go I) but what I’ve gleaned from the millions of pictures I’ve seen of Coachella, it’s really just an excuse for a bunch of assholes to get together and take selfies in the desert while listening to future American Idol montage songs, and that literally the only thing that makes Coachella tolerable is shovelling a shit-ton of drugs in your mouth and drinking till you forgot your last name. But I guess Victoria’s Secret model Alessandra Ambrosio didn’t read that page of her Coachella brochure (which comes stapled to a crop top) because when she returned to Coachella this weekend she brought along her 5-year-old daughter Anja.

I would think that Coachella would be about as fun for kids as a trip to Discount Carpet Warehouse, because unless you’re tripping balls, standing in a hot field for 3 days posing for pictures sounds boring as fuuuuuuck, but this picture of Anja that Alessandra Ambrosia Salad posted to Instagram makes it look like she’s having an ok time and not cry-whining “I WANT TO GO HOOOOOOME”, so who knows? Maybe kids are meant for Coachella. Or maybe Anja is rolling hard on Pedialyte and really feeling a set by Arcade Fire. Either way, I think we can officially declare this to be the final nail in the coffin of Coachella’s coolness (which says a lot, since people have been nailing that coffin shut for years now).

Here’s more of Alessandra dragging Anja around Coachella this weekend. I will say this about Alessandra: snaps for setting limits with your child and not letting Anja dress up like the rest of the children at Coachella.

Pics: Instagram, Wenn

Johnny Depp Thinks “Transcendence” Is A Prediction Of The Future

Whenever someone starts talking about the future, I immediately start picturing the world of The Jetsons and riding around in bubble cars and eating food-flavoured pills, because I know that the actual future is probably going to be a huge bummer. Best case scenario, we get the world of dum-dums and super-Costcos from Idiocracy, but worst case scenario, the future is a terrifying dystopic hell hole that combines Hunger Games-style murder competitions with the awful haircuts from Logan’s Run.

But one part of the mystery of the future has already been figured out by Captain Jack Sparrow himself, Johnny Depp. During an interview with MTV News , Johnny removed his 20+ fauxhemian necklaces and replaced them with a Bill Nye bow tie to explain that the technology in his film Transcendence (i.e. that his mind is uploaded into a computer) IS REAL:

“When you look at it’s kind of a sci-fi thing. But when you dig a little bit deeper, and you realize that the technology that we use in the film… is very close to being a reality and will for sure be a reality in the next 30 years, is presented for the first time ever. It is a foretelling of what is to come.”

Please, Neil deGrasse Depp, tell me more about your theories of memory transfer, specifically which ones make it out of my brain. Because I have an awful lot of regretful shit that should probably stay between me and my frontal lobe (like the time I made cookie dough pudding, or the second time I made cookie dough pudding).

Since the active thoughts in my brain fall into one of two categories (the episode on candy canes from How It’s Made, and pictures of wizard cats) I doubt anyone would have the slightest interest in uploading my boring mind to a computer. Besides, we’re already able to see everybody’s mundane thoughts – it’s called Instagram. Oh shit, the spooky future technology Johnny Depp speaks of already exists! He was right! Run! Save yourselves! Well, there you have it – the future is already here and it’s only a matter of time before we start hunting each other for sport! And I’m totally fucked because I don’t have any money saved up for a Jetsons-style bubble car.

Stepfordkira Would Like To Clear Up Some Of Those Comments She Made About Her Boyfriend

In the event you haven’t been following the future sequel to Sleeping with the Enemy that is Shakira’s life, allow me to catch you up. First Shakira gave us all a case of the uncomfortable collar-yanks when she said that her “very territorial” baby daddy, Gerard Piqué, forbade her from shooting videos with dudes because he’s “protecting his turf”. After realizing that the word ‘turf’ made her seem like actual property, she back-pedalled a bit and said that she’s more like a goal that needs protecting, but then made things 1000x worse by describing Gerard’s love for her as asphyxiating and smothering (two words that left me with a stretched-out collar and a sprained tugging finger).

That alone was enough for most of us to consider packing an overnight bag for Shakira and booking her into a hotel two towns over under an assumed name (“Sha’Keira Knightley”), but on Thursday, Shakira took to Facebook to reassure us that everything is fine because she was just joking!

I recently said in some interviews that my man could be territorial. For the record, I was being humorous and now I see that some press took it very literally! The reality is that we have a beautiful relationship of mutual trust, and jealousy has never been an issue on either side. Next time I promise, I’ll be more careful when attempting to use my sense of humor, as clearly it can be easily misinterpreted!

It all makes sense now! See guys? All that stuff about her boyfriend being an insecure jealous douche-bro was just Shakira C.K. trying out some new material! You can catch more of Shakira performing jokes from her soon-too-be released comedy album titled “I’m Trapped!” every Wednesday night at The Chuckle Hut (“Men be possessive, am I right? My man so possessive, he installed a LoJack on me while I was sleeping! Dayum, I’m trapped! Help a bitch escape! Naw, I’m just playing with you; it’s not actually a LoJack, but something similar to help him to track my every move.”)

Pic: Flame Flynet

Shakira’s Boyfriend Doesn’t Allow Her To Do Music Videos With Men Anymore

Even Candace Cameron Bure read that headline and went “Shoot girl, are you ever allowed out of the house? Blink once for yes and twice for HELP A BITCH ESCAPE!”

Shakira gave an interview to Billboard where she talks about having to ask her boyfriend, Gerard Piqué, for permission to shoot that fake gayelle tourism video with Rihanna. That alone was enough for my eyes to hyperspeed into a cut-eye that said ‘Excuse you and excuse your permission-asking bullshit.’ But then she hit the gas hard and plowed right into an International Women’s Day parade:

“He’s very territorial, and since he no longer lets me do videos with men, well, I have to do them with women,” she says with a laugh. “It’s more than implied in our relationship that I can’t do videos like I used to. It’s out of the question – which I like, by the way. I like that he protects his turf and he values me, in a way that the only person that he would ever let graze my thigh would be Rihanna.”

She’s not allowed to even think about filming a music video with another man? Shit, dickmatized doesn’t even come close to describing Shakira’s relationship with her boyfriend; it’s more like dickmatrapped. Adam Levine, Usher, and Blake Shelton need to stop whatever they’re doing (humping a lingerie model, putting Bieber down for a nap, hiding in the garage from Miranda Lambert) and force Shakira to watch Sleeping with the Enemy and The Stranger Beside Me, followed by singing I’m Every Woman into their hair brushes.

And speaking of Adam Levine; Shakira’s boyfriend can’t be that territorial if he’s letting her sit next to the King of the Man Sluts on The Voice. Or maybe he’s made peace with the fact that Adam’s hoo-hoo hungry dick is able to hunt down snatch like the Predator and there’s nothing he can do about it.

(Pic: Splash)