Even if you forced yourself to write down the craziest, most insane advice you could think of after chugging a dozen bottles of Pediasure in a windowless room while listening to Avril Lavigne’s “Hello Kitty” on repeat for 8 straight hours, you still wouldn’t reach the level of questionable at work in Alicia Silverstone’s new parenting manual The Kind Mama. Thankfully, you don’t have to, because The Daily Beast got their hands on a copy and compiled some of the best quotes about parenting from the woman who believes vaccinations are shots of “aluminum and formaldehyde”, Dr. Bird-feeder (not a real doctor):
On how drinking milk is basically like taking a garbage-filled shit in your uterus:
“Meat, dairy, and processed foods” should be avoided, she says, because they are “tracking toxic sludge through your baby house.” (“Baby house” = uterus).
On why Huggies is THE DEVIL:
Kind mamas can avoid funneling money into the “multibillion-dollar” disposable diaper industry, which is “fueled by corporate-backed pseudoscience.”
On why Tampax is THE DEVIL:
“Feminine-care manufacturers aren’t required to tell you what’s in their products, which means that no one’s talking about the potential pesticide residues from non-organic cotton and the ‘fragrances’ containing hormone-upsetting, fertility-knocking phthalates that are snuggling up to your hoo-ha.”
On why you’re THE DEVIL if you don’t let your baby sleep in your bed:
The alternative – forcing your helpless baby to sleep “in a barred-in box completely alone” – may well amount to child neglect.
On (brace yourselves, stupid is coming) vaccinations:
“There is increasing anecdotal evidence from doctors who have gotten distressed phone calls from parents claiming their child was ‘never the same’ after receiving a vaccine. And I personally have friends whose babies were drastically affected in this way.”
I’m a firm believer in ‘You do you’, so I have no feels or shits to give on whether or not Cher from Clueless lets her kid shit in the grass or sleeps in her bed or breastfeeds till he’s 12. What I do have a problem with is someone who’s credentials are “was in Aerosmith videos” writing a book about parenting, especially when their source material is basically email forwards from your misinformed paranoid aunt. Don’t get me wrong – I still think she should write whatever book she wants – I just also think said book should come with a sticker on the front that says “Find out more on the Internet! No really…we urge you to double check the legitimacy of every claim in this book.”