…Says The Guy Picking A 3-Week Fiancé From A Group Of Women On Television

I know that ABC doesn’t pick their bachelors for The Bachelor based on brains, but shouldn’t it be a prerequisite to be able to open your mouth without dumb, backwards shit coming out? I mean, a simple questionnaire could effectively filter the stupid:

ABC: Gay people, thumbs up or thumbs down.

Blondie McWaxed Chest: Uh…pass?

ABC: You’ve scored ‘Potential Embarrassment’ which means you’d be better suited to Big Brother. I’ll pass along your resume to Julie Chen.

Until that day, it looks like we’re stuck with Bachelors like Juan Pablo Galavis, who burp up any wtf thought that seeps out of their frosted tips. According to The TV Page (via Towleroad) Juan Pablo might find a voicemail on his phone from Duck Dynasty’s Phil today (“Let’s chat sometime; I have some email forwards you might like”) because JP’s got some not-right thoughts about gay people:

On whether there should be a gay Bachelor:
“I don’t think it is a good example for kids to watch that on TV.”

On not understanding how gay beds work:
“…Obviously people have their husband and wife and kids and that is how we are brought up. Now there is fathers having kids and all that, and it is hard for me to understand that too in the sense of a household having people. Two parents sleeping in the same bed and the kid going into bed. It is confusing in a sense.”

On not being familiar with gays on shows like Glee, Modern Family, a million other shows, and about 80% of HGTV:
“You have to respect everybody’s desires and way of living. But it would be too hard for TV.”

On how choosing peen comes with an old trench coat, math teacher glasses, and a comb-ove:
“There’s this thing about gay people… it seems to me, and I don’t know if I’m mistaken or not… but they’re more ‘pervert’ in a sense. And to me the show would be… too hard to watch.”

The sad thing is, the women on the show are so desperate to get married, they’d probably agree with him. “Do I think gays are perverts? Uh…well…I mean…theoretically…Merriam-Webster defines ‘pervert’ as…shit, can I see the ring again?”

Britney Spears Talking About Latinos Is No Está Bien

That’s “not right” in Spanish. Thank you, Google translate; my high school self wishes she’d known you.

Brit Brit gave an interview to Univision’s Despierta América (via HuffPo) wherein she swings for the fences in a really ‘clueless about culture’ way that some people are saying is borderline racist-y. If any of you teach a master class in “Oh no, please stop talking. Fuck fuck fuck she’s still talking” this interview should be Lesson 1:

At 1:21 – We start out strong with a quote that sounds like it was said by Mayella from To Kill A Mockingbird. When asked what she likes most about Latinos, she says:

“I think it’s very sexy. I’ve always loved Latinos. They make me think of the typical ‘bad boy’ type that your father wouldn’t let you go out with.”

EEEESH. All the shirt collars in the world just got bacon-neck from us nervously tugging at them with our index fingers.

At 1:58 – Britney attempts to speak Spanish. The only languages I understand are English, French, and the broken-static that comes from the Jack-in-the-Box drive-thru speakers, so I have NO clue if what Britney is doing here is speaking Spanish or doing the Hispanic version of ching-chang-chong or suffering from a brain aneurysm. Either way, it feels like about an 8 on the No Está Bien scale.

At 2:16 – Finally, she wraps up her Latin interview with “Ciao, bella” kiss-fingers, which is…an Italian thing.

Oh Britney.

Tila Tequila’s Theory About Paul Walker’s Death Is (Surprise!) Batshit-Insanity

I had to double-check nearly 9 times that I had found Tila Tequila’s actual, for real, not-hacked Facebook page because each time I clicked on it, my brain kept saying: “This cannot be it. Did I spell Tequila wrong? Why does she keep referring to herself as God’s Warrior? Is there more than one God Warrior? I thought there was only one.” What I’m saying is that Tila Tequila is for-fucking-real CRAZY, you guys (in other news: water is wet, sky is blue, Kris Jenner is a reptile).

Tila Tequila took a break from ranting about Nazis and Zionists (yes, really) to talk about the death of Elisa Lam, a woman who’s body was found dead on the roof of a hotel. She then explains that the woman’s death was a ritualistic killing. Just like Paul Walker’s. Wait, WHAT?

“But I’ll keep talking anyway…”

Two words: THE FUUUUUUUCK?!?! Let me get this straight: Tila believes that Paul Walker was ritually murdered by an occult group as a sacrifice, right? Wait, so who was driving the car? One of the occultists? Was Vin Diesel in on it? This is crazy. No, fuck that, this is crazy-crazy. Even the crazy homeless guy ranting on your subway car about aliens as he pops a squat and takes a hot dump is thinking “This bitch is certifiable. Now, if you’ll excuse me, I need to mail a letter to Jesus c/o The Pentagon”.

Someone needs to call the giant bottle of 99¢ Store drain cleaner and disposable g-string that made Tila and tell them they need to come and pick up their kid, because homegirl’s gone off the deep end. What happened? It seems like just yesterday she was ordering shots of love, and now she’s holed up in her House of Crazy in a tinfoil hat (and matching nipple covers) ranting online about end times and murders and the “Synagogue of Satan” (HER WORDS NOT MINE PLS DON’T SEND ME EMAILS). How many signatures do we need on a petition before MTV takes it seriously and creates a show called A Shot at Sanity? 16 psych ward doctors competing to see who can check her into Cedars Sinai under a 5150 hold first? I’d watch it.

(Pic via Facebook)