Tom Ford Got Married To His Man Of 27 Years

*Pictures removed by request*

Master beard pruner Tom Ford and his journalist partner Richard Buckley have been together for 27 years (which is 1,387 years in gay years and UNNATURALLY IMPOSSIBLE in Goop years) and they went through Richard’s fight against throat cancer together and they became daddies 2 years ago, but I guess they figured that they had a good run and it’s time for them to ruin their relationship by getting married. Start the conscious uncoupling clock! During a talk at one of the Apple Stores in London last night, Tom Ford casually slipped in (yes, I got the puckers while typing that) the news that he’s a married man now.

“I lost so many friends in college – I would say more than half of my closest friends. Richard, my partner of 27 years, had also gone through something also quite tough in his life. We are now married which is nice. I know that was just made legal in the UK which is great; we were married in the States.”

You probably didn’t read any of those words since you were too busy brushing your eyeballs against the manicured edges of Tom Ford’s sharp-as-fuck beard.

I need to update my wet dream fantasies now. Because in my wet dream fantasies, while Tom and I are lying on black silk sheets on his circular bed under a mirrored ceiling, he sips bourbon from a crystal goblet as I meticulously trim his nipple hairs with tiny baby scissors and when I’m done with that he puts on his tux and tells me he’s late for his hourly beard pruning appointment. That’s how it usually ends. But now it’ll end with him putting on his gold wedding ring before telling me he has to leave before his husband suspects anything. This is good, because my Tom Ford wet dream fantasy was getting a little boring. Me being his side piece slut is really going to spice my Tom Ford wet dream fantasy up! (Yes, I hug my pillow and cry myself to sleep every night.)

Here’s Tom, his husband their kid Alexander at LAX last month.

Hayden Panatroll Wants Everyone To Know That Tom Ford Is Okay With Her Wearing One Of His Designs

On January 12, 2014, a Canadian mom had her son arrested for stealing $10 from a piggy bank, a piece of trash was arrested for leaving her 12-year-old on the side of the road and I ate a plain slice of raisin bread with no butter, jam, Nutella or any other kind of delicious lubricant (nasty, I know). All of those are ILLEGAL acts, but the worst ILLEGAL act committed that night was committed by Keebler Elf pin-up, Hayden Panettiere. Hayden showed up to the Golden Globes in a Tom Ford dress she bought off the rack!!!!!!!!!! As the entire fashion industry lines up to file a police report against this criminal troll, I’m sitting here shocked and surprised at the newfound fact that Tom Ford makes a line of toddler gowns for Gymboree.

The whole award-show-gown thing is a pile of snobbiness and ridiculousness. Fancy designers lend fancy gowns to the celebwhores they want to lend fancy gowns to and some make custom-made fancy gowns for celebwhores they want to make fancy gowns for. Most celebrities don’t buy their dresses. Before the Golden Globes, Tom Ford said that he dressed only one woman that night and that woman was Naomi Watts. So when Hayden told reporters that she was wearing Tom Ford and she’s been begging to wear one of his dresses for years, fashion journalists freaked out. Fashion journalist Jim Shi asked Tom Ford’s people about the dress and when he got his answer, he threw all the side-eyes at Hayden:

#GoldenGlobes: Tom Ford confirms to me he ONLY dressed #NaomiWatts tonight. Hayden Panettiere BOUGHT her Tom Ford dress at RETAIL. Tsk tsk.

— Jim Shi (@jimshi809) January 12, 2014

I don’t know if that “tsk tsk” is directed at Hayden for wearing a dress without a permission slip from Tom Ford or for acting like Tom Ford personally dressed her by saying she begged for it. I don’t know, but this is the biggest fashion ESCANDALO since Kanye West’s design for leather jogging pants got shot down, and a day after Hayden was called out, she tweeted a picture of the roses and thank you note that Tom’s assistant sent her:

Such an honor to wear one of this man's masterpieces! Thank you for my beautiful flowers! #TomFord pic.twitter.com/znzecGF454

— hayden panettiere (@haydenpanettier) January 14, 2014

What’s really offensive about all of this is that Hayden paid $10,000 for a dress that looks like it came from Santee Alley. And Hayden paid $10k for a dress that she had to chop in half to fit her. The only way it’s okay to spend $10,000 on that dress is if Tom Ford personally puts it on your naked body after eating your ass out, jacking you off and letting you watch him slowly sip cognac from a crystal glass while petting a white cat. You know that’s a sight!

The Look: Sookeh’s Black Licorice Dress And Predator Hair

Beeeeeeeeeehl can photobomb all he wants, but he can’t take the spotlight away from Soookeh’s movie theater snack of a dress and her Sunday afternoon hair. I call it Sunday afternoon hair, because that’s what it looks like when you comb leave-in-conditioner in your hair and let it sit in there while you catch up on episodes of Big Rich Texas.

Five months after giving birth to her twin fairy vampire babies, ASkars Jr. and ASkarina, Anna Paquin went to Tom Ford’s pre-Oscar party looking like a malnourished lady Predator who just sucked on a big, fat lemon. I just want to use one of Anna’s Ginsu knife cheekbones to cut a piece of licorice off her dress. Everybody should take note. Don’t bother styling your hair after you get out of the shower and always wear a dress that can double as a midnight snack.

Here’s a few pictures of some other hos at last night’s party: Tom Ford (looking like the hottest member of a secret non-government agency that polices extraterrestrial aliens…. keep Anna away from him!), Solange Knowles Miss J, Superman with Gina Carano, Allison Williams with her TV mom Rita Wilson, Garcelle Beauvais and Elton John with David Furnish.

Tom Ford Is A Daddy

51-year-old fashion designer and curator of all things refined Tom Ford and his 60-something partner Richard Buckley announced today that they are fathers to a newborn baby boy they named Alexander John Buckley Ford. Vogue.com says that Alexander John Buckley Ford was born on September 23rd in Los Angeles. It’s fitting that Tom and Richard’s baby has the full name of a gun-slinging old timey bandit who once robbed a Wells Fargo stagecoach of all their coins, because this baby will forever be rolling around in gold and luxury.

Baby AJ will never know what it’s like to get a rash on his nalgas from sleeping on an egg crate covered with a 150 grit bed sheet from Ikea. Baby AJ will never have to cross his fingers when he tries to get $20 out of the ATM by depositing a $40 check he wrote to himself.

Baby AJ will always be surrounded by opulence, luxury and beauty. And yes, I’ll stop being jealous of a baby who isn’t even a month old.

More Wonderful Words Of Wisdom From Tom Ford

Slip on a pair of freshly pressed reading trousers, pull out your Baccarat decanter and pour out zero calorie air into a crystal tumbler and sip on it as you read what Tom Ford told Time Out Hong Kong about how America should probably import its people from China too since our national anthem has become the fat bitch wheeze and our national mascot is the double stuffed fupa.

“Americans are too fat. And in London they are starting to get fat too. So I have to say that if we have to talk about race system and nationalism, I find it refreshing that everyone [who is] Chinese is slim.”

The only response I have to this is a prayer asking who ever is in charge of assigning babies to wombs puts this in Tom’s surrogate:

If there is a God (and he’s fat as fuck), please let this happen!

via The Cut

Lord Tom Ford Will Not Use His Baby As A Press Tool

Tom Ford would like you to know that if a tiny human was ever lucky enough to find itself suckling liquid gold out of his cashmere-covered tete stud (that’s “nipple” to us non-fashion deities out there), he will never push his baby in a stroller made by Fameswhores ‘R Us down the ho stroll. Tom will keep his child hidden form the public. You know, it would be like Rapunzel but with luxurious clothes, a sultry 70s soundtrack and NO FATTIES! Tom Ford puckered this out to Time Out Hong King (via The Cut):

“If I have children, no one will know about it until the child is born. And no one will ever see the child because I certainly wouldn’t use it as a press tool. If I have a child, you’ll see and notice that I had a child. Maybe you’ll see it when it’s 18, but I will keep it out of the spotlight. I wouldn’t use it as a press tool, as some people I know, have, recently.”

The piece of zombie hyde wrapped around Rachel “Chupacabra” Zoe’s cheek bone must be smelling like musky disdain and ostrich leather, because Tom Ford has just slapped her with his glove and walked away.

Tom’s lips are saying that he will keep his baby locked away in a mirrored and mink tower because he doesn’t want to use it (I love when hos call babies “its“) to summon the spotlight, but we all know the real reason why. Most babies are short in the legs, hairless in the face and don’t know the difference between Beluga and Osetra caviar. Tom Ford cannot be seen with an uncouth ruffian like that! Tom Ford’s baby needs ample amount of time to marinate in sophistication and develop a perfectly manicured beard that is refined enough to pass for The Queen’s merkin.

And here’s Chupa taking Chupa Jr. out for a press tour the other day. Chupa Jr. thanks Tom Ford for throwing shade his way.