Prince & Princess Teefs Are Here To Remind You To Brush And Floss

The who’s who of British society – let me stop and start again. The who’s who of British society minus Amy Wino, Jodie Marsh, Pete Doherty, Harvey Price, Alicia Douvall, the cast of Geordie Shore and.. Wait, since I put it that way I should really say that the who cares of British society (that’s better) gathered at the ARK 10th Anniversary gala at Perk’s Field in London tonight to bask in the blinding white glory shooting off of Prince William and Duchess Kate’s teeth. I swear, whenever I see these two I just want to make out with a Chiclet or gently hump my teeth with a Crest White Stripes.

It’s been six weeks since Duchess Kate secured the second most coveted position in the world, Prince Hot Ginge’s sister-in-law (the first being, Prince Hot Ginge’s peen ring), and tonight she and Prince William attended their first evening gala as a married ass couple. Tom Ford, Elizabeth Hurley, Kevin Spacey and others were part of the lucky few who got to see the royal teeth up close.

And Duchess Kate’s dress looks cotton candy slobber, so it works for me.

Tom Ford’s Etiquette And Style Tips For The Modern Gentleman

If you’re an unemployed man who wears shorts outside of the tennis court and doesn’t lift a hand when a lady takes off her coat, Tom Ford is sneering at you. Tom Ford looks like a well-groomed badger sniffing on a magnolia blossom when he sneers, but don’t mistake it as a good thing. Tom Ford is covering you with judgement. Tom tells AnOther magazine what he thinks are 5 tips for today’s refined gentleman:

1. You should put on the best version of yourself when you go out in the world because that is a show of respect to the other people around you.

2. A gentleman today has to work. People who do not work are so boring and are usually bored. You have to be passionate, you have to be engaged and you have to be contributing to the world.

3. Manners are very important and actually knowing when things are appropriate. I always open doors for women, I carry their coat, I make sure that they’re walking on the inside of the street. Stand up when people arrive at and leave the dinner table.

4. Don’t be pretentious or racist or sexist or judge people by their background.

5. A man should never wear shorts in the city. Flip-flops and shorts in the city are never appropriate. Shorts should only be worn on the tennis court or on the beach.

It’s a good thing I only surround myself with drunk hos who don’t wear coats, because they’re always leaving them in coat check or the bathroom of a McDonald’s. It’s also a good thing I only wear Culottes and shoelace gladiator sandals when I’m in the city. I’m alright by Tom Ford. Yay.

The real truth is, though, #4 cancels most of these out. So stuff your shit into your shortest shorty shorts and twirl your lady friend on the OUTSIDE of the street. All bets are off!

What In Ordinary Hell Is Helena Bonham Carter Wearing?!

What I mean by that is Helena Bonham Carter always shows up to the opening of WHATEVER looking like a Cyndi Lauper circa 1984 who dropped the wrong kind of acid and ended up in the bad part of Oz where a gang of junked up flying monkeys fucked her up before throwing her into a tornado of rainbow dust heading back home. I mean, HBC usually resembles a mound of taffeta getting butt fucked by a period dress from the Old Globe’s costume shop. But yet, she showed up to the BAFTAs in London tonight wearing an ensemble from JcPenney’s funeral matron collection. Totally normal!

Pretty sure my abuelita wore the exact same dress to every single funeral she ever went to. But my abuelita was stylish enough to pair it with beige Easy Spirits, a brown veil and a huge purse lined with paper towels (aka “her buffet visitin’ purse“). Maybe Helena Bonham Carter held back, because she’s saving up her energy for the Oscars in a couple of weeks. That’s when she’s really going to throw the fuckery down the carpet and put all those bland bitches to bed. Let’s hope that’s what’s brewing up in her head, because I cannot accept this kind of behavior from her anymore!

So yeah, the BAFTAs were tonight and below is some of the winner’s list:

Best Film: The King’s Speech

Outstanding British Film: The King’s Speech

Best Director: David Fincher, The Social Network

Best Foreign Language Film: The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo

Best Animated Film: Toy Story 3

Best Leading Actor: Colin Firth, The King’s Speech

Best Leading Actress: Natalie Portman, Black Swan

Best Supporting Actor: The King’s Speech, Geoffrey Rush

Best Supporting Actress: Helena Bonham Carter, The King’s Speech

The full list with all the nominees is here. And here’s a few pictures from that shit. In order: HBC with Tim Burton, Amy Adams, Sarah Harding, Thandie Newton, Emma Watson, a graceful swan woman, Nicholas Hoult, James McAvoy, Mark Ruffalo with his wife Sunrise, Rupert Grint, Noomi Rapace, J.K. Rowling, Colin Firth with his wife Livia, Tilda Swinton, Minnie Driver, Jane Goldman, Annette Bening, Eva Green, Tom Ford, Julianne Moore, Neve Campbell (making all of us feel OLD), MiserAlba (doing her best impersonation of a knocked up Natalie Portman since knocked up Natalie Portman wasn’t there) and Gerard Slutler.

Tom Ford Is Sharp As All Fuck

This is not new information, but today just felt like the right day to remind everyone that Tom Ford is meticulously sharp from top to bottom and back. Tom makes Patrick Bateman look like a slob! I bet that every morning before Tom leaves his penthouse apartment, he steams the wrinkles out of his anus (just in case) and then stands in front of a mirror blowing cold air at his head with a blow dryer to make sure every hair moves (or doesn’t move) in the wind like it should.

You never know when a pap is going to take your picture. And you never know when a blogger wearing stained sweat shorts is going to post said picture. Tom and his perfectly manicured widow’s peak of pure sex are always prepared.

Damn. I seriously just want to buy a Vespa from this sexy motherfucker. Yeah, I know Tom is not a Vespa salesman, but I bet he could make one magically appear on the street if you asked him for one. The same goes for imported cigars and 200 year old single malt whiskey.

Anyways, if a man who smells like a hot pair of clippers and overpriced cologne is not for you, then I’ve also got some pictures of STAINS’ long lost brother with his girlfriend in London last night.