Who Needs Math Anyway?!

10-year-old superstar sensation Willow Smith is too busy whipping her hair that she doesn’t have time to whip out stupid school books to study. Willow tells The Telegraph (via CBS) that there’s no time for school shit when she’s trying to focus all her energy on snatching RiRi’s wig off in a bid to become the next big thing. Yeah, 2010 isn’t over yet, but it’s safe to say that the powers-that-be can start engraving Will and Jada’s names on the PARENTS OF THE YEAR trophy. Title won!

This is what Willow had to say:

“I never really get to go to school because I am always on tour or with my father. There is a tutor most of the time, but usually I am working so I never get to do the lessons. The worst thing about maths is all the kids are ahead of me because they go to school.”

Willow isn’t missing anything. MATHS is for suckers! Who needs to know the answer to 2 + 2 (Don’t tell me! I’m thisclose to solving it for myself!)? That’s what Willow’s assistants are for! Who cares if Willow can’t sound out the words on her contract that read: “Your forever future earnings go into your parents’ checking accounts. FOREVER!” Willow is a BIG STAR! Besides, if her career should fail for whatever reason she can just blame it on the maths.

This Is Our Future, Part 13

And here’s a little clip from Maury that reminds us all that 2012 isn’t that far away and society is going to go out with a BANG! 13-year-old Cel’andrea (Ironically, that sort of sounds like the name of a birth control and herpes simplex drug in one which has been banned from the FDA and can only be found in certain pharmacies in Algodones, Mexico) tells Maury that she sends naked pictures of herself to boys and that SNOOKI is her idol. Yup, we’re fucked.

It’s a good thing that Hairspray took place in the 1960s, because Cel’andrea is exactly what Tracy Turnblad would look like if it was set in the Jersey Shore era.

via Buzzfeed

From Hiccup Girl To Alleged Murderer Girl

Jennifer Mee became famous for a hiccup second after she went on the Today show three years ago because the trick could not stop hiccuping! When Jennifer eventually stopped hiccuping, I knew we would see her on TV again, but I thought she would trade her hiccups in for queefs and become QUEEF WOMAN. Nope, apparently Jennifer, who is now 19-years-old, traded her hiccups in for a gun! And she allegedly used that gun to a shoot a dude dead. I know hiccups have the power to drive you to the edge of the dark side, but DAMN. Who knew hiccups are a gateway to murder.

Jennifer and two dudes were arrested in St. Petersburg, FL over the weekend after they allegedly robbed a 22-year-old man before murdering him with a gun. Police say that Jennifer is the one who lured the man into a house so they could all take his stuff. The police also said in a statement, “All three suspects admitted to their involvement and were charged with 1st degree felony murder.”

Here’s the report from Today:

Jennifer’s mother told a radio station in Tampa that she’s as shocked as the rest of us about what has become of Hiccup Girl, “I don’t think she knew what was going to happen because that’s not Jennifer. She’s not out to hurt anyone. She is a lovable, sweet little girl who wouldn’t hurt a fly.”

Wouldn’t hurt a fly?! Is that so? Well, what does Jennifer’s mother have to say about the disastrous battle zone over her eyes? Hiccup Girl might not kill a fly, and she might not have shot a man, but she most definitely caused pain to many a brow hairs. Looking at that lopsided dreadfulness is giving my eyeballs the hiccups. One brow looking all chunky and short while the other one is on the lean side. That is some “Jack Sprat & His Wife” shit!

The judge better tack on another 25 years for that offense.

All Hail The New Meryl Streep And Marlon Brando

Some say that Kristen Stewart has the charisma and acting skills of a KFC chicken bone that has fallen out of a trash can in an alley way and left for the mangy cats of the neighborhood to chew on. Okay the “some” might have been me after watching two Twilight movies (I deserve your judgments) and The Runaways (I deserve your judgments, the sequel). But James Woods and the director of Welcome to the Rileys disagree with that shit and think that Kirsten Stewart’s gonna needs a bigger shelf for all the Oscars she’s going to collect in the future.

At a screening for WTTR, James Woods, who will be directing Kristen in her next movie, compared her to Marlon Brando and Robert DeNiro. If we ever need a poster child for the “Friends Don’t Let Friends Talk About Kristen Stewart’s Acting Skills While High On Coke Campaign“, James Woods is it!

“The really great ones kind of submerge themselves. I always say that Kristen is like Brando, and I’ve always thought that she had that incredible sort of internal ability to submerge into the role and be lost in it in a good way. You know, so I see that with the best actors, DeNiro’s like that, so many good actors are like that.

I have from the second I saw her in the Panic Room. I just thought this kid has something different. She just has something different.

She just has insight, that unique insight that certain people have. You’re not getting a cookie cutter performance. You’re getting something that you don’t expect. You don’t know where to go and you kind of take the ride. I think she has the potential to be one of the best of her generation if not the best.”

Jake Scott, the director of Welcome to the Rileys, is marching right behind James Woods in the parade of love for Kristen Stewart’s acting. Jake told MTV that Kristen’s acting is like that Meryl Street stuff. By “stuff” he didn’t mean the remnants of a Meryl Streep bowel movement. No, he meant she’s got that thespian magic.

“She’s grown up, you know. She’s a woman now. She was a girl, or a young woman, when I first met her… I’ve known her three years and she’s just become this wonderful woman. She’s gonna do some um… I mean.. That’s some Meryl Streep stuff, you know?”

First it was “Megan Fox is the next Katharine Hepburn” and now this?!

Since it’s bound to be said in the next few months, let’s just get it out of the way now. If we do it all at once it will hurt less. JUSTIN BIEBER IS THE NEW JOHN LENNON! WILLOW SMITH IS THE NEW TINA TURNER! NOAH CYRUS IS THE NEW MAE WEST!

Do Muppets Get Whiplash?

It had to be done. Someone has taken both Sesame Street’s “I Love My Hair” video and Willow Smith’s neck brace anthem “Whip My Hair“, thrown them into a molcajete and mashed away without regret. Acupuncturists better order child-friendly needles (think multi-colors and Troll tops) and chiropractors better learn how to do cartoon voices while making adjustments, because the rise in neck sprains in chirruns is about to rise thank to this mess!

This fall will be all about toddlers in neck braces and dizzy kids falling over. Whippin’ your hair is worse than the pinata twirl. Does the Illuminati have their own wing at the Scientology Center, because Will Smith and Jada Pinkett are definitely working in the name of EVIL!

And don’t waste all your outrage on this mash-up, because you know Elmo doing the Bed Intruder Song is coming soon.

via Videogum

T.I. Saves Lives

T.I. must report to a court room tomorrow morning to face the shit for violating his probation by getting caught with the wrong stuff and Purple Drank in Los Angeles early last month. T.I. will now glide into the court room holding a shiny gold “Captain Save-A-Ho” belt over his head. That’s because T.I. talked a man off the ledge of a building in Atlanta yesterday! No, the man was not Tiny’s second cousin twice removed who was paid with mobile minutes and a gas card. The man wanted to jump his way to the afterworld, but T.I. turned on his halo and put out his lifesaving hand!

TMZ says that a man threatened to jump from a building where Ryan Cameron’s radio show is based. T.I. heard about it on the radio and immediately called in to Ryan Cameron to see if there was anything he could do. Ryan asked T.I. to twirl into his superhero outfit and fly on over to the station. When T.I. got there he recorded a heartfelt “DON’T DO IT” video message. After the police played the message for the man, he agreed to step down and meet T.I. in the lobby for a talk. The police are not pressing charges against the man.

I’m not saying that this was a staged stunt to show the judge that humanity will fall apart if T.I.’s thrown into a prison cell again. I’m not saying that. But I am saying that an idea has just formed in the empty liquor store we all know as White Oprah’s head. Two days before Lindsay Lohan’s next probation hearing, we will all read the TMZ headline: “LINDSAY LOHAN SAVES A CAT IN A TREE.” Only it won’t be a real cat, it will be Ali Lohan in the sexy tiger costume White Oprah used to wear during her alleged strippin’ days.