Whatever You Do, Do Not Look At Astro’s Moms

I know that Astro’s moms’ Forever 21 jeans makes her ass look like a delicious double strawberry dome cake, but keep your glares to yourself or else! Better yet, Astro has a few moms (I think) so don’t look at ANY moms. You don’t want to tussle with the anti-MILF crusader!. Besides, you shouldn’t be looking at anything since you should be whippin’ your hair back and forth like that other child says.

Yes, welcome to the future where grown ass bitches take instructions from child pop and rap stars. This is how it’s going to be.

via Videogum

The Smoking Toddler Has Quit!

At just 2 years old, Ardi Rizal of Indonesia is already chewing on a Nicorette pacifier and scratching at his SpongeBob nicotine patch, because he just kicked a 40 cig-a-day habit! And you think your life is hard? It’s hard out there for an Indonesian toddler.

Ardi is the hardcore dumpling who caused international outrage when he was filmed working a cigarette as though the spirit of James Dean had taken over his little baby body. At the time, Ardi’s parents said that he would threaten to beat them with his rattle if they stuck a bottle in his mouth instead of a ciggie. The Indonesian government offered to give the family a car if Ardi quit, but they quickly took back that offer when they realized he would probably just suck on the exhaust pipe to get his fix. So the government took Ardi away from his family and made him complete a 30-day rehab program.

Ardi is back home with his family and he’s no longer asking for smokes. But the head of Indonesia’s child protective services says that he needs to be kept away from hot fags and should never ever watch an episode of Mad Men or else he might start smoking again.

Ardi is just 2 years old and he’s already getting international attention for completing rehab! 2 YEARS OLD! Those 20-something messes on the Hollywood stroll can sit on the curb and stay there. White Oprah is probably thinking to herself, “Where do I go wrong?”

via CNN and Jakarta Globe

This Is Our Future, Part 12

Please tell me this BABY!!! is borrowing one of Snooki’s own t-shirts and that The Situation isn’t selling a line of tees for babies (SPOILER ALERT: he is). This is exactly why babies don’t come out of the womb knowing how to read words. If this baby looked down and realized what was written on his/her shirt, he/she would never be the same again. Wasn’t there a less offensive t-shirt in the store for baby to wear? Maybe an I Love The Situation I Just Made In My Diaper t-shirt?

Since The Situation thinks he’s an entrepreneur, this is totally going to give him ideas. Expect The Situation to put out Muscle Milk Protein Formula for babies and fruit-flavored chewable Valtrex tablets.

Iron Maiden Loves Slippery Nipples

If yesterday you told me I’d be posting about Iron Maiden today, I’d tell you to stick a clit in my nostril and shut up. But here I am writing about Iron Maiden. Although, this is about more than Iron Maiden, it’s about booooooooze too!

Iron Maiden partied at a bar in Norway the other night and their $3275 bar tab receipt has made its way onto the internet. Who knew that Iron Maiden sucked on more slippery nipples than Gerard Butler at one of his pool parties? Not I.

So there you go, now you know what Iron Maiden drinks every night. It’s also safe to say that this is exactly what Amy Wino’s “happy hour for 1” receipt looks like.

Source: Reddit via TDW

Chippy D Is A Role Model To Our Youth (UPDATE: No, She’s Not)

CORRECTION: Carlton Jordan and E! Online both say that this isn’t Chippy D’s real Twitter account. This one is. So the real Chippy D never Tweeted that she’s a role model to our youth. I fucked up! Apologies.

And the fake Chippy D is asking for “dirt” on me for writing this post. Tell the fake Chippy D just to visit any fast food or gay bar bathroom and you’ll find my dirt all over the place. Seriously, I don’t think they’ve been able to scrub it out yet.

The next time a junior high school is looking for a motivational speaker to tell young teens to cross college off of their things to do list and consider a career in turning tricks on the ho stroll, they should call up Laurence Fishburne’s 19-year-old daughter Montana. Montana aka Chippy D has added “role model” to her resume right next to pussy peddler and porn star.

Didn’t the melody to Whitney Houston’s “Greatest Love Of All” just play in your head while reading that?

This Is Our Future, Part 11

Violent JJ, the 5-year-old son of Insane Clown Posse’s Violent J, has joined the family business and put out a video for his debut song “Bad Bad Bad (featuring DANCING RUBY!!!!)”.

The junior Juggalo leaves his sippy cup filled with Faygo on the sidelines and slaps trick after trick after trick! It’s a shame that this song wasn’t around during Latarian Milton’s glory days, because it would’ve been the perfect hood rat stuff anthem for him to blast in his grandmother’s SUV.

via Vulture