Rebecca Black “Performs” On The Tonight Show

13-year-old Rebecca Black, the pop culture superstar sensation who is about to receive a restraining order from Friday, made her late-night talk show debut on Leno! Rebecca charmed Bradley Cooper, said she’s donating the profits from her single to charity and told Jay that she didn’t have to audition for Ark Music Factory. Well, Rebecca didn’t have to audition, but a personal check her mom cut did. And guess what? It passed! Thank the auto-tune gods for that, because if it didn’t we’d never get to see her perform “Fried Eggs” last night. I use the term “perform” as loosely as I use my bong.

This feels like something you might see if you walked down into the basement and caught your sister singing karaoke to an audience made up of her favorite stuffed animals. But Rebecca seems like a sweet girl and she is pretty good at mouthing lyrics into a mic. She’s ALMOST as talented as Our Lady of Cheetos. Brit Brit better hold her weave, because Rebecca is coming to snatch it right off!

More Like Jimmy Dean, Bitch

The father of Kourtney Kardashian’s baby, Scott Disick (the “s” is ALWAYS silent), is on the cover of Men’s Fitness and somebody’s fart (I won’t tell, Khloe) must’ve clouded her vision, because this is what she had to say about it on Twitter:

I love @scottdisick’s Men’s Fitness cover!! He looks like James Dean!
4 hours ago via HootSuiteadfadf

This is just too easy. So I’m just going to do to Kourtney what my friends do to me when I tell them I’m going to marry Anderson Cooper one day. I’m going to purse my lips, politely nod, pat Kourtney on the head and then throw a fudge stripe cookie into the corner of the room so I can freely laugh behind her back.

By Popular Demand: Asian Baby Drag Princess Does Burlesque

I’m not sure how I should feel about this landing in my inbox more than any Anderson Cooper story or picture of a cholita eyebrow. But this Asian baby drag princess working it to “Burlesque” is making Chris Hansen pick up a printed chat room transcript and head towards his hiding spot off the kitchen. Chris Hansen has some questions! And so do I, but I don’t know if I want the answers. I mean, who is shooting this? Is this what would it look like if David Lynch directed an episode of RuPaul’s Drag Race? Where did drag baby get that dress? Did he do his own make-up? And if so, can he do Xtina’s too, because bitch needs help in that department? Lastly, can somebody please send this him a care package with a wig in it. BOY NEEDS A WIG!

P.S. – See you all in jail!

Source: Eliot Glazer via Buzzfeed

Why Did Jonah’s Teenager Looooose?!

Esperanza Spalding now has a face to go with all the thousands of “DIE IN A HOLE” text messages that have been bombing her phone ever since she “took” candy a Grammy from a baby Bieber. This is young Jonah, one of the more mature Beliebers out there, letting out a trail of tears over his teenager losing the Grammy. Esperanza Spalding! You are making the children cry! How dare you make better music than Justin Bieber! HAVE YOU NO HEART?!

Some of you might think it was wrong of Jonah’s parents to record the saddest moment in his life and upload it to YouTube, but I’m all for people embarrassing their kids as soon as possible. Every parent should do it. You never know when you’ll need ammunition for a future battle. Sometime in the future when Jonah is complaining about how his parents won’t let him do something, they can just pull out this video and BOOM. It’s over. Seeing your young self crying over the Bieber will render you mute every time.

And there’s something about how Jonah keeps calling Justin “his teenager.” It’s like if Gollum was a child named Jonah and his “precious preeeecious” was a teenager named Justin Bieber. Lord of the…..WRONGS.

via Buzzfeed

This Is Our Future, Part 14

It’s our future and you know what, I don’t even mind. 17-year-old Taylor Momsen is simply just a young girl who is trying to find herself in the clearance section of the Flirt catalog, the drawer where you keep your old black eyeliner pencils and the part of the WWE’s costume closet that houses the old bedazzled wrestling panties from their glory days.

Don’t you remember when you were a 17-year-old hunchback gutter Muppet and walking down a random alley while motioning to a dude that backdoor costs extra (or maybe you were motioning that you keep the 8-balls in your backdoor). This was all of us! Just think of Taylor Momsen as a Ghost of Whoredays Past who’s simply a version of your 17-year-old self but with even less dignity and more attention whoreness.

Cindy Hooha wore this elegant ho shit uniform to the Hollywood premiere of Justin Bieber’s new 3D movie last night. Yes, so that magical tingle you heard wasn’t the wind chime outside. It was Justin Bieber’s balls dropping as he laid eyes on Taylor Momsen looking like something that blew out of the Rock of Love Bus exhaust pipe.

And it’s funny that Miley Cyrus was also there and completely covered everything up. Miley gave us “middle-aged spiritual healer from Sedona, Arizona.” However, Noah Cyrus showed up in the same outfit as Taylor and had to go into the bathroom to change. Crisis averted.

Here’s another picture of Taylor’s walk of no shame as well as pictures of other hos at last night’s thing. In order: Sad Panda, Amanda Woodward, Miley with Tish and Noah, The Smiths, Bieber, Scary Spice with family, Usher with his sons, Toni Braxton, Leona Lewis and Selena Gomez.

Nothing Breaks Your Heart Like A Box Of New Dicks

Melissa Etheridge is currently dating her estranged wife’s best friend, Nurse Jackie creator Linda Wallem (on the left), and so you know Tammy Lynn Michaels Etheridge has some real shit to say about this. But before we dive head first into another one of Tammy’s literary work of lesbian realness, let’s get the supposed facts about Melissa’s new partner in pussy from People (or Pooper, as Tammy calls it).

One of Melissa’s friends say that she’s been close to Linda for almost 10 years. Linda served as Melissa’s best woman during her wedding to Tammy and they got together 3 months after her marriage jumped out the window and caught a ride on the exhaust pipe of a bus heading far far away. So according to the friend, Melissa and Linda have been together for about 9 months. These are not the facts according to Tammy Etheridge.

In a blog post titled “speak, spread walk the talk“, Tammy writes that People’s story has been scrubbed of any escandaloso filth that will make Melissa look like a heartless wife who passed her poon long before her marriage officially ended. Tammy says in late 2009, she had a “something in the milk ain’t clean” moment when Melissa’s assistant accidentally delivered a box of shiny new dildos to her house. Tammy writes:

i moved out november 23rd 2009
she said it would help
i was convinced it would
too and i trusted there was
no one else
i didn’t know
there was someone moving in
as i was moving out

indeed

three weeks later a box of new toys
was delivered and her assistant brought
it to my rental house as a mistake
i opened it
and that’s when i felt something was up

i called her
“i have your new dicks on my kitchen counter?”

one thing by one thing
i slowly felt things were not
as
they were being represented

Nothing says “out with the old vagina dust and in with the new” like a box of new dicks. By the way, every time I pick up the phone I long to hear the beautiful words, “I have your new dicks on my kitchen counter.” Fuck granite, I want new dicks for a kitchen countertop.

Tammy goes on to write that after she listened to Melissa’s new album, she knew what was really going down. Tammy begged Melissa to not let the news of her new piece get out until after the album was released. Melissa’s album comes out in three weeks, so Tammy’s begging really paid off. Tammy then sharpens her key strokes and goes after People.

so. you know. people magazine tries to get things right. they try to
clean things up for the famous folk- their sources are usually the publicist
for the celebrity. i’m here to clarify. well… i want to clarify without
dealing with getting sued for SLANDER (and paying someone), which would include
me saying that the two were involved while I was living there (it is still my house, by the way).
and i haven’t gone just that far yet.

since april of 09? mmm…. one of my little sweet peas told me otherwise much
earlier than that, Pooper magazine.

they should have shut the bedroom door.

and once again… if we’re going to have little “leaks” and such… let’s make them truthful?

perhaps folks out there are going to start doing math. “speak true and spread the peace” of 2010
i kept this to myself last summer. maybe i shouldnt have- it would have explained another reason
why there was so much bitterness in my cray-cray crazy blogs. i couldn’t believe someone would have a
saying, and motto to ask people to buy and live by, but not oneself?

spread the peace? speak true.

and i found better friends. real friends.

and most importantly to me: the kids are alright.

……

in other words-
it’s not news
nothing new for me
only you guys-
i found out last year
long ago
and kept my mouth shut
for some reason
i’m interesting like that:
i’d rather squirm in rage
and look crazy
than open my mouth
about someone’s secret
i guess?
i don’t know.
but i knew this
last summer
and before
no news
no “new couple!”
try again, pooper magazine.
almost only counts in horseshoes, right?
🙂

Tammy also has a new somebody in her life, but she doesn’t say who. My nerves already look like a splintery tooth pick and I’ve never cared about the state of my one working brain cell, so I really hope the new somebody in Tammy’s life is Courtney Love. Imagine the sweet rambling blog posts they’d make together? Actually, don’t imagine that unless you have a tongue depressor and a shot of methaqualone handy.

And when the hell is Hollywood going to turn Tammy’s blog into a feature film starring Julianne Moore, Annette Bening and Mark Ruffalo (he can put on a wig to play Linda)?!

(Thanks Lauren Ashley)