How Aubrey O’Day Bravely Dealt With The Casey Anthony Verdict

Kim Kardashian’s dumb dumpster rat mouth said she was SHOCKED and Khloe Kardashian said she was DISGUSTED about the Casey Anthony verdict, but neither of those useless toilet tank tramps were as inappropriately eloquent with their responses as the used makeup puff in a weave known as Aubrey O’Day.

The Shameless Attention Whore Code of Non-Ethics states that when a bitch is found not guilty of allegedly murdering her 2-year-old daughter, you should respond by posting a picture of your NOT RIGHT ass in a bikini. And Aubrey O’Day did just that. You can always count on Aubrey to break the tension with her plastic titty sacks that still have Diddy’s greasy fingerprints all over them. Thank you, Aubrey!

But to be fair, this is how Aubrey handles all serious news. “Shaking your tits in a bikini” is the fame whore’s equivalent to “shaking my head.” When China’s synchronized army finally takes control of America and makes all of us their slaves, we can find relief in knowing that in a Studio City basement apartment, Aubrey O’Day is sucking in her labia while doing the “MAKING IT ABOUT ME” pose in front of her bathroom mirror.

And that melancholy howl you hear is LeAnn Rimes wailing at the top of the highest peak in Fantasia, because she didn’t come up with this mess herself.

via Jezebel

Assault With A PRECIOUS Weapon!!!

As I lovingly bubble-wrap my nicknacks in preparation for my new job with the Delaware County Sheriff’s Office, in Delaware, OH, let me (COINCIDENCE ONLY!) bring you the local news of a beauty queen and klassy bitch DONE WRONG!

WBNS-10TV reports that “BoobMeister” Stephanie Robinette, 30, of Westerville, lost that loving feeling while beating her husband’s ass at a wedding over the weekend held at Bridgewater Banquet & Conference Center.

Delaware County Sheriff Walter L. Davis III said deputies tried to talk with the woman but bitch refused.

“When deputies attempted to remove Robinette from the vehicle, she advised the deputies that she was a breast feeding mother and proceeded to remove her right breast from her dress and began spraying deputies and the vehicle with her breast milk,” Davis said.

The deputies were eventually able to restrain the loving mother and feeder of MILLIONS before carting her ass off to the pokey.

Robinette was quoted as saying she takes the charges seriously and has vowed to get help… Obviously, the policies and procedures of the Delaware Sheriff’s Dept. need a little updating on what is acceptable social behavior!! Please allow me to introduce myself!!!

Suri Cruise Is Magic

Not since the Empress of Lucite magically floated above sand on a bolt of lucite have I been in awe of a girl’s ability to skip along the sand in heels like it’s the most natural thing in the world. Suri’s daddy taught her well, because like him, she never takes her high heels off not even for the beach. At Joel Silver’s annual Memorial Day beach party in Malibu yesterday, Katie Holmes and Suri audited their practical Thetans away to frolic on the sand in heels while the beach goers threw them the same “….the hell is this?” look you throw at the Black Angus hostess when she asks if you have a reservation. But people just don’t understand!

If Suri ran out on the beach in bare feet, nobody would ever take her seriously as a fashion icon and slave to glamour again! Karl Lagerfeld would unfollow her on Twitter, Anna Wintour would stop asking her to approve the Vogue covers and Jimmy Choo would give away her private dressing room at their Beverly Hills store. Yes, Suri’s ankle bones are screaming “NOOOO!” the same way Tommy Girl’s prostate screams “NOOOO!” when he winks at a peen, but she has a reputation to uphold. As Suri said to her podiatrist when he told her that she’s going to have bunions before she turns 6: GLAMOUR HURTS, HONEY!

Katie, on the other hand, she’s just a dumbass.

This Is Our Future, Part 16

You might have already put your ears back like a frightened puppy while reading about the wonderful pageant mother who uses her skills as an esthetician to wax her 8-year-old daughter’s legs and inject back alley Botox into her face. Well, the mother who makes White Oprah look like June Cleaver defended herself on Good Morning America today. You know you’re a new definition of gross when blond robot Lara Spencer overrides her hard drive’s commands and shows disgust towards your actions.

Kerry of San Francisco should really be using needles to inject some potent commonfuckingsense directly into her skull, but instead she’s using them to fill young Brittany’s face with Botox she gets from a source she won’t reveal. Kerry doesn’t seem to think there’s anything wrong with it since all of the other pageant moms do it too. Brittany says that the injections hurt and that she has cried during them, but she looks prettier and more beautiful afterward.

I’m pretty sure that one of the reasons for God to hit the red button on us is: “A mother Kardashian-izing her 8-year-old daughter.” We’re ready.

Why is that most of the pageant mothers who torture their daughters in the name of beauty need a lot of help themselves? All the money that Kerry is using to buy Botox could be used on new pair of glasses that don’t look like they came from a Costco circa 1997. How about instead of drowning her daughter’s childhood with Botox, she gets herself a haircut so she won’t have to hide her split ends in a bun. I swear, mothers should really think about themselves more often.

Oh, how I wish I could telepathically communicate to Brittany that the next time her crazy bitch mom waves the Botox needle around, hit her with this line: “Fix your fugly face situation before trying to fix mine.”

And the only good that can come from this GMA interview is that Child Protective Services will parachute in, grab Brittany and replace her with a porcelain doll since it seems that’s what Kerry really wants.

James Franco Is Like, “Who?”

The coke-laced delusions of grandeur that constantly hard fuck the frontal lobes of Lindsay Lohan’s brain worked up a serious sweat last night at Beauty & Essex in NYC! LiLo held court at a table of her trained head nodders and went on about how she’s best friends with James Franco and will consider playing Glinda in the new Oz movie if her “best friend” is involved. HAHAHA. The shit that comes out of that crazy ho’s mouth. Some ignis fatuus shit to the tenth degree.

It’s sort of like if I held court at a table of no one at the Olive Garden and mouth farted about how I’m going to decorate the guest room in the charming Cape Cod beach house Anderson Cooper is going to buy for us after our wedding. I mean, I’m nuts, but I’ve never done that. (Note to the Olive Garden waiter side-eye-ing that sentence: You don’t know what you saw! You lie! Shut your eyes! Shut your fingers! Just shut it!)

Page Six says that LiLo talked about playing Victoria Gotti even though it’s not a done deal yet. LiLo then said she wants the female role in Oliver Stone’s Savages and will consider playing Glinda in Oz: The Great and Powerful. LiLo kept the laughs going when she went on to say, “I’ll only do the movie if I can work with [James Franco]. We’re like best friends. We’re hanging out later.” FYI: Blake NotSoLively is in talks for both of the roles LiLo has her good eye on.

A source tells Page Six that the producers of Oz have never and will never consider LiLo for Glinda.

I would feel sorry for LiLo, but my emotions are currently occupied with other things: namely, laughing. I can totally picture White Oprah cold calling up the casting directors of high-profile projects to politely thank them for considering LiLo for the lead role, but unfortunately she’s got too much on her plate at the moment: namely, coke.

This Is Our Future, Part 15

The following things have visited my inbox in the past 24 hours: sperm jeans, The Breast Milk Baby Doll, Abercrombie & Fitch’s padded bikini top for little girls and Jenna Rose’s new music video for “O.M.G.” (stands for Oh My GodcallCPSrightfuckingnow). I’m sensing an uncomfortable theme here. If you send me an email in the future, make sure to write “P.S. – Hi, FBI! Say hi to the wife and kids for me!” at the end, because they’re totally watching now.

Little 12-year-old (TWELVE YEARS OLD!!!!) Jenna Rose already became a bona fide supertween sensation with her first single “My Jeans” and she’s grown up really fast since we saw her a hot second ago. Jenna is dressed like Noah Cyrus’ answer to the Victoria’s Secret Angels and poppin’ it with her friends like they’re in the final audition for PedoBear’s dance troupe. This “have a seat over there” mess almost makes me miss the musical stylings and wholesomeness of Rebecca Black.

This is how the world REALLY ends.

via ONTD