Ke¢ha Must Be Back In The Studio

Wayne Coyne of the Flaming Lips is working with Ke$hit on her next album and the answer to your first question “How much of the bad shit is he snorting to get through that?” was Tweeted by him before you even asked it. But before you write an essay for your 8th grade English class about how Wayne and Ke$ha are your new idols for being SO COOL!!!, SO EDGIES!!! and SO ROCKNROLLZ!!!, I should tell you that she Tweet claims that those sloppy ass lines are just crushed up Tums.

Whatever that shit is, it should come with every purchase of Ke$ha’s next album. If it’s coke, you’re going to want to smoke it through that Sprite can to numb the pain after her musical herpes gets into your head. If it’s TUMS, you’re going to want to snort it through your ear holes to stop your eardrums from burning (note: earburn is a real thing). So thanks, Ke$hit!

via ONTD

Meet Shax

I can’t believe I’m blogging about a child (read: slow news day), but this story was so cute I couldn’t resist. Borrowing from a story that Celebitchy borrowed from In Touch Weekly, the rumor is that Shiloh Jolie-Pitt wants to change her name to “Shax” to be more like her brothers who all have the cool X end to their names. Between her Montenegro style and this latest revelation, I think it’s safe to say that Shiloh is not much of a girly-girl.

Quoted from In Touch: “What’s in a name? A lot, if you’re 5-year-old Shiloh Jolie-Pitt. The famous tomboy – who prefers to play rough with her older brothers than play dolls with her sisters – has taken her gamine ways to new extremes, asking her parents, Brad Pitt and Angelina, to call her Shax.

Why Shax? She wants to be just like her brothers, Maddox, Pax and Knox, whose names all end in the letter “X”. A childhood friend of Shiloh’s mom isn’t one bit surprised.

“Angelina was also a tomboy,” the friend tells In Touch. “She changed her name to Vince when she was the same age.”

Vince? Okay I’m just going to choke that down and focus on Shiloh here since she’s much more interesting. I can relate to her, since I had three brothers, and I would rather climb a tree than dress up my Barbie, although I did enjoy undressing her and Ken and forcing them to do unspeakable things in the Barbie van. Memories. Anyway, I turned out fine (SHUT IT) and I’m sure little Shax will too. Even if her new name means broken down ghetto ass houses, like the one I live in. Get your tomboy on Shax Pitt-Jolie!

Errrrr…..

The only thing about to say about these pictures of The Lesbeaver and Selena Gomez in Los Cabos, Mexico today is: JORTS!!! Okay, I have another thing to say: ARMPIT WIG!!! (There’s no way he grew that on his own.) Now I’m going to clear my cache and give my laptop a bleach bath.

This Is What Rebecca Black Spawned

So you know that girl in the pink from Rebecca Black’s Friday video who got turned into an according playing GIF? No? Well, just keep shaking your head (the same way you do whenever Rebecca Black’s name comes up) when I tell your ass that her name is Benni Cinkle (which sounds like the name of a joint ailment) and she’s got a new song where she auto-tune yodels about plastic bags flying in the wind over a 90s techno beat from the Ultra Nate soundboard.

Just like every damn pop star before her, Benni Cinkle’s message is that if you’re a gay teen, a fat teen in a vest, a teen cutter, a knocked up teen, a teen who can’t dance, a bulimic teen or a teen with a dad who yells a lot, it always gets better. You know what I also hope gets better? Benni’s lip gloss choices, because that color only belongs on a 4-year-old drag princess contestant on RuPaul’s Junioress Drag Race (Dear LOGO, please greenlight RuPaul’s Junioress Drag Race).

Remember this shit in a couple of months when I tell you, “Do you remember that teen girl barfing into a toilet in the music video by that girl in the pink from Rebecca Black’s Friday video? This is her new video.”

And more importantly, why did they make Benni Cinkle look like a 45-year-old at the club with first degree Christina Darling face?

via ONTD

This Is Why Children Should Only Be Mayors On Foursquare

11-year-old Caroline Gonzales won a “Mayor For A Day” contest for kids in her hometown of Forney, TX and her first official order of business was to name a street after her personal Jesus: JUSTIN BIEBER. That STOP sign next to Carline perfectly sums up all of our reactions to this mess.

E! News says that the town came up with the contest, because they’re trying to get kids into politics and government. When Caroline was asked WHY?WHY?WHY?WHY? by the people of Forney as they packed their stuff into a U-Haul to move far far away, she said, “Because I really like Justin Bieber. I like his music and I like him. And I thought, why not have a street in my hometown named after my favorite singer?”

If that sign is a permanent thing that will forever live in Forney, then I hope it’s on a street that is nothing but a stretch of desolateness full of abandoned warehouses, killed dreams and crack shanties. Because can you imagine living on Justin Bieber Way? Every time you typed in “Justin Bieber Way” in the credit card information box on a porn site you want to join, your boner would die along with your will to go on living.

On ONE positive note, at least Caroline is a kid who is doing stupid kid shit even if it’s a nightmare for everybody else. If my 11-year-old self was named Mayor For A Day of Forney, my first order of business would be to change the name of my town to Horney, TX. Shit, that would still be my first order of business. I should’ve entered that contest.

This Is Our Future, Part 17

File this under: It’s way too early for this NSFWish shit. And cross file it under: Dlisted’s new anthem!

If Ke$ha fell out of an Italian uterus instead of an American one, this is definitely what she would sing during her middle school talent show. Meet Italy’s very own Gionny Scandal, Pedobear’s very Italian pop star and a singing prostitot who definitely gets all her lyrics translations from Google. And I’m thankful that she did, because if any bitch can butcher an English translation and turn it into poetry salad, it’s Google. The line “Tonight I’m feeling to make you enjoy with a blowjob/I want to feel in my throat” is so damn beautiful that I’m going to use it in the signature for all my Craigslist Casual Encounters ads.

Yes Gionny’s fucked up teefs make her look like she’s only given blow jobs to screwdriver drills set on high. Yes, Gionny’s spoog splash dress reminds you of the time you asked your dry cleaner if they could get out a goat milk stain. Yes, the Jay Baruchel looking rapper in this ILLEGAL mess gave me the tingles for a quick minute until he wasted a whole can of whipped cream. Yes, watching this prequel to Hostel mess is about as uncomfortable as watching a homeless man lick on a Monte Carlo poster in a subway station (true story).

But you have to give Gionny some credit for making Bert’s Muppet nipples hard with the way she pronounces the word “horny.” Ernie’s (and probably yours too) official response is:

Source: Europopped via ONTD