Category: This Belongs In A Museum
Reason #19,978,293 For Why Bea Arthur Is A Badass Legend
I know what I’m doing this weekend. I’m going to go to every church in my area to slip an extremely important addendum into every Holy Bible in every pew. And that extremely important addendum is: Frontiers Magazine’s Oral History of The Golden Girls.
Frontiers Magazine got some of the writers and producers from the greatest show of all-time, The Golden Girls, to share pieces of priceless gems about the show and its stars. What I learned from it is that Estelle Getty adored the gay community and Rue McClanahan once got cat-called by construction workers and she loved it. But as Jezebel points out, the best story is about how Bea Arthur was never the one. Nowadays, famous whores have it oh-so-easy. If a hating hater hates on them, they can easily slap that trick in 140 characters or less on Twitter. Back in The Golden Girls days, famous types had to do a little work to shut a ho down.
Dave Grohl Owns Something More Precious And Special Than The Mona Lisa
No, I’m not talking about his Grammys Red Solo Cup. He doesn’t own that anymore. He donated it to the Museum of Cool Dads.
America doesn’t run on Dunkin’ anymore. Right now, the world, including America, runs on the stories from musicians who were told by David Bowie to chew on an anus scab and swallow. Ambien’s biggest competitor, Coldplay, already told us about the time that David Bowie refused to collaborate with them because he felt the song belonged at the bottom of a Port-A-Potty bowl. Bowie also turned down a collaboration with the Red Hot Chili Peppers, and told Bono that his musical Spider-Man: Turn Off The Dark should’ve been called Spider-Man: Just Turn That Turd Off. Well, now Dave Grohl has his own “…the time David Bowie shat on me” story.
A Tip From Paz De La Huerta: Do Not Follow Kim Kartrashian Because There Is A War Happening!
Last night, Khlozilla went on a painkiller-induced Sasquatch rampage on Twitter when she told people to get off dick after they gave her shit for staying with her boyfriend James Harden while still nursing and being married to Lamar Odom. But well, if you ask the most important woman in Hollywood and human orchid Paz De La Huerta about this, she’d tell you that little Twitter tussle should’ve never happened, because nobody should be following the Kartrashians.
On her Instagram yesterday, the greasy jewel delivered an important announcement to the world and to Kanye Kartrashian. There’s a war happening right now and we do not need to be distracted by that idiot trash Kim Kartrashian! Paz deleted her post (it still lives here), because she probably realized that in posting about Kim, she was giving Kim attention. Or she decided that she’ll save that speech for when she testifies at the anti-Kardashian hearings at the United Nations. Seriously, why aren’t Paz and Natasha from Top Model the co-leaders of the United Nations? #PazBeGandhiAndJesus.
And since no Paz post is complete without stunning pictures of her, here she is back in April looking like heaven in a trash bag.
Pics: Splash (Thanks Philip!)
It’s Monday, So Here’s A Perfect Headline
When I pulled my hung over, broke off and dozed off body out of bed this morning, I almost went back to bed when I went through my feed and got the image of Justin Bieber praying to the Gods above to let him top One Direction. If you stay really quiet and open up your ear holes really wide, you can hear the sound of Usher cackling over the Biebs trying to top anyone.
After I saw this perfect headline that will no doubt win every Peabody Award, I didn’t even want to read the story, because that mess is the only thing I needed. But Page Six’s story is about how Justin Bieber and One Direction are currently wrestling for the top position in the Battle of the Tattooed Twinks (“I’ve had that wet dream before!” – Kevin Spacey). Both the Biebs’ redemption album Purpose and One Direction’s album Made In The A.M. came out on Friday and only one of them can be on top. Billboard said a couple of days ago that the Biebs has spit on the hairless b-holes of One Direction and is getting ready to stick the tip in, because expert types say that his album is selling more than theirs. That probably has to do with his team doing whatever it takes for him to top One Direction. The Biebs is trying to find ways to “pump” up his album sales so he can really stick it to 1D good. Beaver balls deep good.
Sources say his team’s found ways to pump album sales including bundling his new release, “Purpose,” with tickets to two Staples Center shows last week — “That would be nearly another 40,000 albums [sold] right there,” said a source. He’s also partnered with ride-hailing app Lyft to give riders a download of his album for $5 through a “buy and ride” button. “Those will also go toward the charts,” a source said.
And seriously, I don’t know whether to hate Page Six or love Page Six, because the week has barely started, and burned into my brain is the picture of the 1D dudes with their asses up, trying not to laugh as Justin Bieber tries to top them one by one.
Here’s Justin Bieber’s dream bottoms leaving BBC Radio 2 yesterday.
Pics: Wenn.com
Who Doesn’t Love The Sound Of Porn Noises While Shopping For Laundry Detergent And Cupcake Wine?
The answer to that headline question is: Lots of people, apparently. Weird, I know. And I felt like a picture of the Target Lady giving two imaginary hand jobs and one imaginary blow job was appropriate for this story.
Usually when I hear orgasm moans and “OH YES! OH FUCKING YES!” sounds at Target, it’s from someone’s mom losing her mind over Doorbuster deals on Dove body wash and Glaceau Fruit Water. But at a Target in Campbell, CA on Wednesday morning, the orgasm moans filling the store was from a porn that accidentally played on the speakers. Executives at Walmart are probably rolling their eyes at that, because yeah, Target may give you sounds from a porn, but if you go to any of their locations in Florida, you can see a meth head jacking off onto a shower puff while butt boning himself with a toothbrush.
It’s A Bird! It’s A Plane! It’s Revenge At Its Finest!
When us regulars want to get back at an asshole slut cheating ex-piece, we scream, “You fucked my friend, you whore,” outside of his job before spray painting the words “You Cheating Bastard” on his car in red. But when scorned bitches with cash to burn want to get revenge, they pay a plane to fly a beautiful “CHEATER” banner during their ex’s special moment. Bow down, because this is how it’s done.
The come-to-life annoying Alfred E. Neuman bobblehead that is Bobby Flay got a star on the Hollywood Walk of Fame yesterday for his achievement in writing a check for thousands of dollars with the words “For my Hollywood Walk of Fame star” written in the memo part. During the ceremony, a thing of petty bitch beauty happened when a plane flew overhead carrying a “CHEATER” banner. Since the plane flew over Hollywood, that gorgeously cuntastic message could have been for 95% of the population, but it was obviously meant for the throbbing pimple on the Food Network’s taint and his alleged wandering dick.
A witness type tells E! News that the plane magically appeared right when Bobby took the mic to give his “acceptance speech” and circled the area until he was done. Why am I picturing Stephanie March whispering the words, “Okay, counting down… 3..2..1… go,” into a walkie while disguised as a tree on the street?
Nobody has taken credit for shitting on Bobby Flay’s day in a beautiful way yet, but of course, everyone’s looking at his estranged wife Stephanie March. But I’d like to believe that as that plane flew by, noted nightmare maker Ina Garten was on a nearby hotel rooftop bar cackling into the sky while holding a limoncello martini.
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- Bobby Flay with his mom
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- Bobby Flay with his mom, dad and daughter
