Guess Who Was Drunk Off Her Ass At A Charity Event On Tuesday Night?

The answer would’ve been obvious even if I didn’t post a picture. Hell, the answer would’ve been obvious if I asked the question, “Guess who was drunk off her ass today?” The correct answer is always White Oprah!

Seen above just seconds before screaming, “Somebody turn off the spin cycle! The room is spinning too fast,” Justin Bieber’s newest nemesis showed up to the Rock Love Art Ball in NYC on Tuesday night. The organizers of the event invited White Oprah, because they got an extra tax write-off if they gave a hot meal and a bottle of booze to the needy. White Oprah acted exactly how you would expect White Oprah to act at any event. She was a drunken, embarrassing mess.

A source tells the NYDN that White Oprah was shit-faced by the time dinner ended and when the ceremony began and they started passing out awards, she constantly stood up and clapped her hands like a stupid seal on speed. During the live auction, she kept clapping until the auction lady told her that she basically just unknowingly won a bunch of items she can’t afford to buy. The source said:

“[She was] clapping and raising her hands in the air. This prompted the auction leader to call out to her, ‘Ma’am, I have to remind you, when I see your hands above your eyebrows it means that you are bidding.’ She told her to stop jiggling around.”

Jiggling around? Why am I picturing a drunken White Oprah (that’s redundant, I know) dancing on her chair while jiggling her titties around? If the auction leader was smart, she would’ve went into the hall, ripped a fire extinguisher from off the wall and auctioned that off. Everyone at that event would’ve emptied their wallets to buy that fire extinguisher, so they could’ve turned it on White Oprah’s messy ass.

And here’s the many drunken faces of W.O.

OctoMom Is Off The Rails Again, But Was She Ever ON The Rails To Begin With?

TMZ has a video from last year of an obviously plastered OctoMom cackling like a hyena on helium in a hotel room before checking herself into rehab. In the video, OctoMom is losing whatever mind she has left and going full Taylor Armstrong by hysterically laughing while rolling around on the bed. It’s like something you’d find in one of the rooms at the dance academy in Suspiria. It’s a nightmare. Shortly after that video was shot, OctoMom checked herself into rehab, checked out and told everyone she was one hundred percent clean. But apparently, she isn’t.

TMZ says that OctoMom has traded her love of pills for her love of weed. Octo got her weed card and has been toking up all day, every day. Octo’s friends say that smoking the good shit has opened up the beast and she’s acting insane again. They’re afraid that if she’s always high, she won’t be able to take care of her child army. Last month, Octo’s crazy ass called her son’s school in a panic, because he didn’t make it home and she was convinced the bus didn’t drop him off. The school talked to the bus driver who said that he saw Octo pick her son up from the bus stop with his own eyes. The good shit must’ve eaten away the part of her brain that controls her short-term memory, because ho forgot about picking her son up from the bus stop. He was in his room the entire time.

That shit reminds me of that hilariously sad moment on The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills when Taylor Armstrong didn’t know where her daughter was. A drunk as shit Taylor called up Kyle to say that she couldn’t come to the unveiling of Kim’s nose, because some rich dude was taking her on an overnight trip. Kyle was taking care of Taylor’s daughter Kennedy at the time, so she asked, “So I guess I’ll just keep Kennedy overnight.” Taylor then said something like, “Oh, she’s with you?” The dumb bitch didn’t know where her daughter was!

Obviously, Taylor and OctoMom should open up a daycare center together.

If I had 14 kids to feed, clothe and take care of, I’d have a weed mask permanently strapped to my face and I’d lose them all the time. A week wouldn’t go by without me saying, “Hey, where’s #12? I left him back at the supermarket? Ugh, I’m not going to drive all the way back there. He’ll be fine, it’s about time he make it on his own anyway.” But that’s why I don’t have 14 kids!

Jason London Spent His Sunday Morning Shitting In The Back Of A Cop Car

Because Jeremy and Jason London are in a competition to see who can be the messiest London twin, Jason London from Dazed & Confused (dazed & confused is right) got into a bar fight, got arrested and then took a revenge shit in the back of a cop car. So while Jeremy London gets at least 10 fuckery points for making up a story about how his kidnappers forced him to smoke crack, Jason London gets all the fuckery points for filling a police officer’s nostrils with the scent of his whiskey-infused caca.

TMZ says that Jason’s road to Shit Town started just before 2 in the morning on Sunday at the Martini Ranch Bar in Scottsdale, Arizona. Right after a drunken Jason sneezed near a bouncer’s face, the bouncer asked him to apologize. Jason didn’t let out a stream of sowwies, but he did respond by punching the bouncer in the face. Well, when you punch a bouncer in the face, you’re going to get  fucked all the up, which is what happened to Jason. Jason was dragged out of the club kicking and screaming, and he got his ass kicked in the process.

Both the paramedics and the cops showed up and found Jason holding his swollen and bloody eye. The paramedics were going to take Jason to the hospital, but he got all crazy and started fighting with everyone. Jason got so crazy that one cop had to control his ass by kneeing him in the thigh. Right after Jason called one of the cops “a fucking hillbilly,” he was cuffed and arrested for being a first rate wreck.

On the ride to the police station, Jason filled the ears of the officers with such beautiful lines like, “Guess what faggot? I fucking love this. I fucking own you guys so hard. I’m rich and I’m a motherfucking famous actor! Fucking look me up, bitch.” The cops should’ve listened to him and looked him up. Because when you look up the name “Jason London,” Google redirects you to a warning screen that reads: WARNING – JASON LONDON IS A FILTHY ASS PIG AND HE WILL GET REVENGE ON YOU BY TAKING A CACA IN YOUR CAR. AND LITTLE TREES CAN’T COVER THAT STENCH.

And that’s exactly what Jason London did next. Jason told the cop that the car smelled like “shit” and that his breath smelled like diarrhea. Jason then leaned to the left, took a dump in his panties and said, “I told you I’m happy as shit.”

Where the hell was a Cops camera crew when we really needed them?! That shit show, literally, needed to be captured on video. Bitch can poop on command and then follow it up with a golden one liner. Scat comedy at its finest.

The cops spoke with Jason’s wife Sofia the next day and it didn’t really faze her. She shrugged and said that he acts like a real asshole when he drinks. Jason went on Twitter and tried to blame TMZ and the cops for smearing his good name, but it’s kind of hard to accuse a ho of smearing your good name when your panties are smeared with drunk poop:

Guys, the TMZ report is a total fucking lie. I got jumped by three 250 pound bouncers. They knocked me out and beat me for several minutes.

I would never say or do the crap they are reporting. Have faith in me. The truth will come out and you will see.

Some guy thought I was hitting on his girl and had me jumped. My wife was in the next room, had no idea what even happened. I hate Arizona

“Do the crap…” I see what you did there, Jason. And remind me to never get arrested in Scottsdale, Arizona, because if I do, there’s a good chance I could find myself sitting on one of Jason London’s dried poop drops.

You Know You’re Every Kind Of Drunk When…..

Bronson Pelletier used to be known as “WHO?!” or that dude from Twilight and now he’s known as that drunk, dirty, sick motherfucker who pissed in the middle of LAX. Well, I guess being known as the dude who drunk pissed in the airport is better than being known as a dude from Twilight. So well, played, I mean, well peed, Bronson!

Last week, TMZ scooped CNN by breaking the highly important news story of how Bronson Pelletier was arrested for being a drunken mess at LAX. Brosnon was pulled off of his flight, because the pilot declared him way too messed up on the sweet nectar to fly. It was a good call, because if he wasn’t pulled off of that flight, he would’ve pissed in the aisle like he was R. Kelly and that plane floor was an underage girl, and every passenger would’ve gotten ten whiffs of beer-infused bladder water. Right after Bronson was kicked off the plane, he pulled out his weapon and pissed…. and pissed…. and pissed… and pissed…. and pissed until his extra long pee time was cut short by an officer who tackled him to the ground. The officer didn’t even let him shake!

At the time of his arrest, Bronson denied giving a golden shower show in the middle of the airport, but since the video has come out, his spokeswhore says he realizes he has a problem and is going to go to rehab to deal with his issues with booze and with getting piss happy in public.

You know, after watching that pissy mess of a video, I am so proud of myself for never being so damn drunk that an officer had to put my shit back into my panties after tackling me to the ground, because I made a pee pee all over the carpet. You should be proud of yourself too if you’ve never done that.

And yeah they could’ve cleaned that puddle of bad decisions up with a Bissel pet cleaner, but an easier way to clean it up would’ve been to let the Twihards in. Bronson Pelletier has been on the same set as Robert Pattinson. So there’s a chance he pissed in the urinal next to RPattz’s urinal. So there’s a chance some of RPattz’s sparkly piss fumes floated over to Bronson’s peen. So there’s a chance that some of RPattz’s sparkly piss fumes got on that airport carpet when Bronson did a #1 on it. Tell that to a Twihard, back up and let their wet vacuum coochie go to work.

Making LieLo Look Sober Isn’t Easy

It’s not what you think!! Dina Lohan is NOT completely exploded in the brains out of her mind sidewalk licking DRUNK in these pictures. She is just being an excellent mother by trying to distract everyone from the bloated wasted mess in yet another fur (the Salvation Army must have had a clearance sale) that is her daughter Lindsay. Good plan Dina!! Because the first thing I noticed was that your ass was falling off of your heels and you looked about two seconds from throwing down a pile of puke and then face planting into a cactus or whatever plant was handy. Like daughter, like mother. LieLo looks positively fresh and sober in comparison and that is no easy task. Slow clap for 2008’s Mother of the Year!

The pictures were taken on December 30th when they were leaving Cipriani in London. SEE JUDGE? Lindsay said she was going to stay in for New Years Eve (she didn’t) and get her life straight in 2013 (she won’t), so technically, you and the rest of us should be okay with this (we aren’t)!

Like Watching Your Drunk Auntie Sing Karaoke At The Family Christmas Party

On part 1 of The X-Falcor (Freudian slip and it stays) finale last night, 13-year-old Carly Rose Sonicare (or however you spell her name) sang “How Do I Live?” (aka the song that Eddie Cibrian sings to the Black AMEX LeAnn gave him) with LeAnn Rimes and it must’ve taken all the will-power she had to not stop in the middle of the song to say, “Go home, Falcor, you’re drunk!“

LeAnn was a stumbling, wobbling, wailing disaster from start to finish and the only things missing from her act were a martini and a Parliament dangling out of her mouth. Bitch looked, acted and sounded like a pilled-up albino monkey getting shocked on electrical fence. America should give the frazzled broom the $5 million prize money, because bitch gave the performance of the night! This is Christmas and entertainment to me. Christmas IS some drunk mess paralyzing the children with fear by yodeling out a karaoke song. I just wish there was a Christmas tree in the background for LeAnn to fall on.

Sorry, Carly Rose Sonicare, you were just upstaged by one of the Wayans Brothers in his White Chicks drag.

Here’s some pictures from last night’s X-Factor show. In order: a Falcor doll made out of hay and white pantyhose, a constipated Brit Brit with Carly Rose, a drunken Ewok with JWoww, Demi Lovato and Khloe Kardashian giving us some Valley of the Chewbaccas glamour.