Category: Stupid Food
Open Post: Hosted By Froot Loops Pizza
Because it’s 2021 and we’re quickly running out of new combinations of gross shit, Froot Loops pizza exists. This pizza was “created” by the restaurant Fong’s Pizza in Des Moines, Iowa. It’s one of their exciting new breakfast pizzas, which also include steak and eggs and bacon popper pies. Before this, Fong’s claim to fame was Crab Rangoon pizza (featuring cream cheese and fake crab), but I think they’ve outdone themselves with this latest monstrosity.
Here are the deets: it’s regular pizza dough topped with cream cheese frosting and mozzarella, then Froot Loops, then drizzled with yogurt and condensed milk. I… just threw up in my mouth. Finally, it is served with a sour cream and cream cheese sauce. Fong’s calls it “Loopy Fruits Pizza” because otherwise, Froot Loops would sue their asses for crimes against humanity. Continue reading
Open Post: Hosted By The New Oreo Spam Burger From McDonald’s China
Listen, my taste buds are the opposite of refined. My favorite “salad” is Tostitos, cheese, iceberg lettuce, and ground beef, all smothered in Catalina dressing. But even I, a proud trash food person, cannot get on board with the new offering from McDonald’s China… introducing the new Oreo Spam Burger. It’s exactly what it sounds like. Oreo crumble, two slices of Spam, topped with mayo (!!), on a classic sesame seed bun. This Frankenstein creation was released today and is only available for a very limited time. So fuck this virus, get your ass over to China ASAP!
Open Post: Hosted By The Dangers Of Gas Station Sushi
Any story that involves gas station sushi is guaranteed not to end well, and this one is no different. You may be asking yourself what lofty, aspirational level of death wish someone would have to have in order to tear open the plastic lid, get their nostrils assaulted by a sour smell that wasn’t the usual vinegar in the rice, and still think it was a good idea to devour the whole mess. And all of these unfortunate decisions probably followed pumping a few gallons of unleaded into their car and grabbing a pack of ciggies (I just made this part up, but the ciggies would totally be the healthiest purchase they made that day). According to The Mirror, the sushi eater in question, known only as JC, had a rough ride after swallowing The Rice-Bundled Seafood of Doom:
Open Post: Hosted By Bella Hadid’s Soupy Macaroni N’ Cheese
Bella Hadid is the world’s most beautiful woman, according to science, and she’s so beautiful in fact that she convinced people her blank eyes, stiff walk, and lack of personal charisma was a model-making combination. But her beauty couldn’t distract the internet from her whole entire lack of cooking abilities when she revealed her Thanksgiving mac n’ cheese and it had everyone wondering how she managed to melt down Velveeta into pure liquid form.
Teddi Mellencamp Defended Her “Accountability Program”
Teddi Mellencamp Arroyave. Daughter of John Cougar Mellencamp, cast member of The Real Housewives of Beverly Hills, accountability coach. Your next question should be, “What in the Sam Hill is an accountability coach?” The short answer is, someone who needles clients via text to stick with their diet and exercise plans. So, the Devil. Here’s Teddi’s deal, she moved to LA in her teens to become an actress, was told she was too chubby, got super fit, and eventually reinvented herself as a weight-loss guru. Bing bang boom, a star is born.
Now her business, All In by Teddi, is being called out by influencer Emily Gellis Lande for promoting disordered eating habits. Emily previously exposed the dark side of the popular F-Factor diet, posting a bunch of nightmare user experiences on her Instagram stories. Now she’s doing the same with All In, a program that she says forces clients to sign an NDA and barely lets them eat 500 calories a day. What the…? That barely covers my nightly Häagen-Dazs fix!
Open Post: Hosted By A $350 PB&J
In what is surely the stupidest sign of empire collapse, a new restaurant in Chicago’s West Loop called PB&J has decided that now is a good time to start selling a $350 peanut butter and jelly sandwich. They’re calling it the “Golden Goose”, which if I’m remembering my Aesop correctly, was about a couple who got greedy and ended up broke. According to Wikipedia, it’s about “those who become poor by trying to outreach themselves.” So it’s a fitting name for a ridiculous clout sandwich that features gold leaf crusted bread and currant jam imported from France. The only way you’re ever going to see a dime of that money again is if you lean your head into the toilet bowl and inspect your shit for gold flakes. But grab a stick, you might have to chop it up a little before you strike gold.