“1-2-4-3 None Of These Chicks Look Better Than Me!”

“Out of the way hags, a truly beautiful woman is coming through” was shouted at Sports Illustrated’s 50th Anniversary party in L.A. last night when Steven Tyler sashayed on through and showed the likes of Kate Upton, Marisa Miller, Ty Ty Banks, furniture mogul Kathy Ireland, Rebecca Romjin, Heidi Klum and Cheryl Tiegs how raw sex is really done. While looking like a Dark Crystal puppet that escaped out of the Jim Henson factory to fulfill its lifelong dream of working as a Linda Perry circa 1991 impersonator, Steven desecrated hos left and right with his glamour. If you ever want to see Kate Upton burst into a tsunami of tears and run toward the exit while questioning her entire existence, put this Honest John-looking hot bitch in front of her. She will go from thinking she’s hot shit to thinking she’s just shit.

And since every bad bitch beauty needs a battle song, this song was obviously playing in his head as he looked all those supermodels up and down:

Steven Tyler took the night, day, morning and everything in between!

Pics: Wenn.com

“I’ve Told You Ten Times; No, I Can’t Make You A Methadone-arita”

Last night, The Art of Elysium’s 7th Annual HEAVEN Gala was held in Los Angeles, and despite the fact that the word ‘gala’ is classy shorthand for ‘black tie, motherfuckers’, Steven Tyler and Linda Perry showed up looking like chorus members from a Skid Row production of “Hey Gilbert! The Johnny Depp Story”. Now, I’ll cut them some slack, since ‘7th Annual Heaven Gala’ sounds sort of like a 7th Heaven theme party, so maybe they decided to go dressed up as two street kids taken in by Rev. Eric Camden in a lost episode. But none of that makes any goddamned sense, so let’s just call a spade a grimy, itchy-looking, crotch-grabbing spade; these two are a real-life mess. I mean, is that a fucking banana sticker on Steven’s hand? Jesus take the wheel. Take all the wheels.

Here’s more of Steven Tyler and Linda Perry looking like they huffed all the freon out of their limo’s busted mini-fridge on the way over, along with a couple others who looked like they caught Steven and Linda’s second-hand high (Rose McGowan and David Arquette, I’m looking in your direction). And no, not everyone was a damn mess. Some people took the term ‘gala’ seriously, including Evan Rachel Wood, Kate Bosworth (wearing a dress that – you know what? You guys take this one), Camilla Belle, Busy Philipps (Kim Kelly FOREVER), and Harry Hamlin and Lisa Rinna (who should put on some SPF50, because I offer no shade – bitch looks good. Wait, did I just say that? Have I been huffing freon too?)

(Pics via Wenn)

Would You Hit It?

Wearing a wig that looks better than anything on Nicki Minaj’s head and showing Keith Urban what Nicole Kidman would look like if she didn’t replace all the blood in her face with coolant, Steven Tyler  made nipples moist when he auditioned for four Fraggle Rock refugees as Pepper LaBeija from the House of LaBeija. (+10 points to Steven for that Paris is Burning reference.) Steven Tyler must not have shit to do, because he returned to American Idol last night and looked like he just jacked off a bellboy in exchange for two cots in a storage closet at The Beverly Hills Hotel. Steven Tyler does White Oprah drag better than White Oprah does White Oprah drag.

Here’s Steven giving us some Dude Looks Like A Lohan shit:

And I know Steven Tyler’s got a dick hole cut out in those control top tights, so yes, yes, I would.

via Daily Mail 

The Palm Springs International Film Festival Was An A-List Extravaganza And It’s All Because Of Charo

I shouldn’t have even bothered uploading pictures of Diane Lane, Richard Gere, Helen Hunt, Eddie Redmayne, Naomi Watts, Sally Field, Helen Mirren, B.Coop and Ben Affleck, because the only trick worth clicking on is the legendary CHARO!!!

The Palm Springs International Film Festival was held in, get this, Palm Springs, CA last night and all of the glow-in-the-dark ceiling stars of Hollywood probably thought they were going to get all of the attention, but the script was flipped when Charo sashayed onto the red carpet. Yes, Charo was dressed like she was there to serve twice-baked potato casserole in the buffet line, but true legendary stars don’t need to wear $10,000 designer gowns to dazzle eyes.

As soon as Charo strolled into the room where the awards ceremony was held, everybody turned their chairs away from the stage and faced her. Because it’s not every night you get to see Charo’s Shih Tzu hairstyle live and in person.

Charo, Just Because

Today’s news is filled with nothing but real-life nightmares after real-life nightmares and you kind of just want to get under the covers, crawl to the bottom of your bed and stay there until the world finally collapses. But before you do that, here’s some pictures of international treasure Charo cuchi cuchi-ing in the middle of a parking lot in Beverly Hills yesterday. We need just a little Charo right now and that’s all I’ve got.

Open Post: Hosted By Johnny Depp

Now that Johnny Depp is free of Vanessa Paradis and Amber Heard, he can freely get messy without worrying about getting yelled for smelling like bad decisions, the liquid at the bottom of a bar back’s bin and random cooch nectar when he comes home. Johnny smeared some Maybelline eyeliner under his eyes and went out to share a Pink Taco with Steven Tyler at the Aerosmith after-party in L.A. last night.

And if we played the “Who’d you rather let stick the tip in?” game, most of you whores would go with Johnny Depp, because you really want your nethers to smell like patchouli and the finest kind of imported French dick cheese. But I’d go with Steven Tyler, because humping on a humanized Galápagos tortoise dressed like Cher on casual Friday is high up on my list of wants.