The Walt Disney Company has a long and storied history of unintentional rudeness. Like the priest’s cartoon boner in The Little Mermaid, or the stars spelling out S-E-X in The Lion King, or the fact that Donald walks around without any pants like a damn duck pervert. The accidental rudeness extends to their theme parks as well. There’s a ride at Disney’s Hollywood Studios in Orlando, FL called the Rock N’ Roller Coaster Starring Aerosmith.. It’s a roller coaster starring Aerosmith, and it features Steven Tyler throwing up what looks like an obscene hand gesture. Well, those pearl-clutching prudes at Disney finally caught wind about Steven’s unintentionally filthy hand, and now it’s gone forever. And Steven Tyler is angry that they had the audacity to do so.
Bad news for all of you kinky whores whose wet dream has always been to regularly suckle on Steven Tyler’s luscious and juicy cone chichis, your wet dream isn’t going to come true anytime soon. Because Steven Tyler is much too busy using that big ass mouth to make the toes on his 28-year-old assistant Aimee Ann Preston curl like his.
The Daily Mail says that Aimee has been Steven Tyler’s assistant for a few years and a couple of years ago, there were rumors that she was bouncing on his seasoned fuck part. They’re apparently still at it and made their love “official” at Elton John’s Oscars after-party two Sundays ago when they walked in holding hands. I’m sure that as soon as they sashayed in, everyone turned around and said, “Who is that extremely hot May/December lesbian couple?” The Daily Mail had this to say about Steven and his young piece/assistant:
Now I can reveal the 67-year-old’s companion is Aimee Ann Preston, who at 28 is a full decade younger than his actor daughter Liv.
Aimee Ann is Steve’s personal assistant and although the couple were first rumoured to have dated in 2014, now it’s serious. They made no secret of their romance at Elton’s event and she recently posted pictures online of a new house it’s believed she shares with her older lover.
Sure, Aimee Ann is 10 years younger than Steven’s oldest kid and is only 3 years older than his youngest, but she’s 28 and he’s a rich rock star, so on a scandalous scale of “broke my pearls from clutching so hard” and “didn’t even mouth queef out a ‘meh‘,” this is much closer to “meh.” Besides, at least Steven didn’t have to call an adoption lawyer when he wanted to move Aimee Ann into his house.
Here’s more of Steven busting out John Robert Powers-approved poses with Sheryl Crow at Elton John’s Oscar party.
In the event you’re one of the thousands of people who are currently living My Snow-Called Life (copyright: Ken Jennings) and want some extra heat, here’s something that should warm you up. Steven Tyler was stranded New York City after an appearance on the Late Show with Stephen Colbert, so he decided to kill some time yesterday by going for a stroll in the snow with his daughter, Mia. Since the only people out in the snow are either pandas or reporters telling you to stay inside, Steven and Mia accidentally wandered into a live blizzard broadcast by CNN. That’s when Steven got all kinds of cute. Maybe it’s because he was all bundled up like a toddler. Regardless, you’re going to want to grab an absorbent towel, because Steven Tyler waving to his grandson Milo at the 0:33 mark will melt all the icicles off your heart.
— CNN (@CNN) January 23, 2016
The only thing I can’t figure out is why Steven Tyler was walking through the snow. You’d think at least one of Steven’s dogs would have offered to strap on a harness and pull him around in a sled. Wait, what am I saying? Those dogs are rich; the only thing they’re doing is sipping a hot mug of Alpo by the fire.
Pic: Steven Tyler
The music world has been hit hard this month, so what we really need is the gorgeous sight of Steven Tyler to temporarily raise our souls up. Steven Tyler strut strut strutted his ass through LAX today and he was gracious enough to serve up some hotness to the paps and pose next to one of his old glamour shots. You know, Steven Tyler never gets the credit he deserves for being a real fashion icon. Only Steven can work the shit out of bug-eyed grandma glasses from Lord & Taylor, socks with velcro sandals and a scarf thing made from the fur of raccoon stuffed toys.
When we see wannabe fashion tricks like Gigi Hadid and Kendull Jenner work the “Davy Crockett’s grunge-loving great-great-great-granddaughter who works part-time at a healing crystal store in Santa Fe” look in a couple of weeks, we’ll tell them to have a seat. Because Steven Tyler worked it first and he worked it better.
It feels like forever since we’ve heard anything about Taylor Swift’s “Please welcome to the stage” posse (and by forever, I of course mean 0.3 seconds, which is 10 years in Taylor Swift attention-needing time). During a show in Nashville on Saturday night, Taylor made the dreams come true of all the dads who were dragged there by their 13-year-old daughters by please-welcome-to-the-stage’ing Mick Jagger. Mick crawled on stage to sing “Satisfaction“, which is totally Tay Tay’s favorite Britney song to sing into her hair brush. If you want to see what it would look like if someone accidentally changed the factory setting on a Gabbigale doll to “awkwardly sexy“, here you go:
Mick fucking brought it; he was wiggling around on stage like a hyperactive puggle who just heard someone say “cookies“. Tay Tay, on the other hand. Eesh. Taylor was like a quilt on pain killers. Girl, you have to match your partner’s energy!
Or maybe she is just so fucking over this shit, since her whole weekend was filled with welcoming new squad friends to the stage. Joining Mick on Saturday was Leona Lewis, who sang “Bleeding Love” with Tay Tay, and on Friday she brought out Alison Krauss, Kelsea Ballerini, and Steven Tyler, who sang “I Don’t Want to Miss a Thing.”
You know that immediately after seeing this picture, Tay Tay turned to her cat Meredith Grey and was like “Oh my god, she couldn’t even be bothered to brush her hair? Doesn’t she know who she was singing with? Demote her to 3rd tier girl squad status.“
When Daft Punk, Pharrell, Stevie Wonder and Nile Rodgers busted out a performance “Get Lucky” with a side of “Le Freak” and “Another Star” at the Grammys last night, the audience magically transformed into rave night at the retirement home. Who spiked the tapioca pudding with Ecstasy? I came for Pharrell’s Mountie hat on steroids, which looked like it was eating his tiny Doberman puppy head, and I stayed for the memaws and pepaws showing those young whores how to really serve up some piping hot moves. Put those replaced hips to work, bitches!
Every time the camera cut to the audience, my eyes were gifted with a new jewel. They gave us Paul McCartney awkwardly snap dancing like a sober grandpa who just dropped E and is waiting for it to kick in (aka like me at my first rave). They gave us Steven Tyler rolling out some Solid Gold moves. And Yoko Ono did this:
I don’t even know what that is, but I wanted to see more of it. It’s probably some kind of super powerful band wrecking curse and we should all expect Daft Punk to release a statement today saying that they have broken up and will never work together again. Yoko Ono’s band wrecking powers are alive and well and more powerful than ever!
And here’s Yoko, Sean Lennon and Sean’s girlfriend Charlotte Kemp Muhl looking like the members of an Amish traveling circus at the Grammys last night. I also threw in pictures of Jack Skellington’s body twin Steven Tyler wearing my First Communion suit while posing like a freshmen at Barbizon.