We’re over 6 months into COVID-19 quarantine (or is it 20 years? Who even knows anymore?) and, amazingly, some celebrities with mugs simply too famous and dazzling to cover up with ugly, corona-blocking masks, have yet to find a solution to keeping themselves protected without shielding the world from their fame Some, that is, but not Steve Martin. Steve has left the Kardashians seething because they wish they came up with this. But then again, a Kardashian’s non-biodegradable ass is their “This Is A Kardashian” sign.
For those of you thinking “When did that backwards-talking tweaker who sat beside me on the bus that one time and smelled like tinfoil and Skittles become friends with David Letterman?“, I’m afraid that’s not your friendly neighborhood tweaker, but Jim Carrey. But even if it was the random dude who once tried to sell you something called ‘Special J’ (peroxide, Pixy Stix, and lice shampoo), just remember – it’s still better than who showed up for Jay Leno’s last episode.
So last night was David Letterman’s final episode of Late Night with David Letterman, and everyone came out to say goodbye. Three former and one current President of the United States opened the show, the Foo Fighters showed up and played “Everlong”, and the last Top Ten list was read by 10 of his most famous friends. We already knew Bill Murray was going to be there, thanks to the city-wide booze shortage he caused on Tuesday night, but he was joined by Jim Carrey (who looks like he drank whatever Bill threw up), Alec Baldwin, Tina Fey, Jerry Seinfeld, and Peyton Manning? Sure, why not!
Also, big shout outs to Barbara Walters, who kept it together, even though it was obvious she had been sampling whatever liquid was left in the Will It Float tank. Speaking of Will It Float, where the hell was Grinder Girl?!? How could David gather all his nearest and dearest and forget the Late Show’s glamorous Russian crotch-grinding goddess? Maybe it was a health and safety thing; there’s always a chance Alec Baldwin might fall into a rage hole, and the last thing CBS would want is for him to grab a dangerous power tool on the way down.
Here are all Dave’s famous friends arriving at the final Late Show with David Letterman. Bye Dave! I’ll miss you and Paul Shaffer, but I’ll especially miss hearing that sex-voiced panty-dampening ginger announcer Alan Kalter (what? Don’t judge me).
Steve Martin probably gave that exact same expression after his agent broke the news; that face, right there, is the definition of the term “A check is a check.”
It looks like Disney and Warner Brothers will soon be in the market for a new barrel, as the one they currently have is almost bottomless from scraping so hard. According to NikkiFinke.com, nearly 20 years after Father of the Bride 2, development is underway for Father of the Bride 3, with Steve Martin returning to play “George Banks”, said father of the bride. Director Charles Shyer will write as well as direct this time, since Nancy Meyers is too busy making movies about post-menopausal Goopy Paltrow types.
Father of the Bride was about old-looking George Banks freaking out over his daughter’s wedding, and Father of the Bride 2 had even older-looking George Banks freaking out over his daughter and his wife getting knocked up, so I was hoping that 20 years later we’d be treated to seeing a Methuselah-looking George Banks freaking out over ordering online viagra, but instead he’ll be freaking out over his gay son’s wedding. So far, the plot is about George’s 29-year-old son Matty Banks (played in both FOTB 1 & 2 by Kieran Culkin) getting married to a dude, and George starts freaking out (because apparently this movie takes place in the 90s just like the first two?), so his wife kicks him out of the house. And let me guess: he goes and stays with Martin Short?
Speaking of Martin Short…obviously this movie will be a stinky turd, but if they wanted to save it, they should change it from the wedding of Matty Banks to the wedding of Franck the wedding planner to his assistant Howard. If you’re going to make people watch a dude freak out over a gay wedding for 90 minutes, at least make it Martin Short flipping out like the middle-aged Bridezillas on Say Yes To The Dress.
What is it about Twitter that turns people’s thoughts into piles of lukewarm refried beans? I feel like all my conversations begin with: “Did you read the dumb shit ___ said on Twitter today?” Well, according to the NY Daily News, I’ll be small-talking with the liquor store cashier about Steve Martin today. Steve is whipping out his best apology banjo and playing a folksy version I’m Sorry today after he foolishly tweeted a joke that should have been hashtagged #racist-y:
The 68-year-old comic apologized after being labeled a racist after an attempted joke on Twitter went wrong.
Martin, who uses the social media site to engage in witty back and forth with fans, received a setup line from one of his 4.5 million followers. Martin deleted the Tweet shortly afterwards — but not before retweets and screen grabs circulated all over the Internet.
To his credit, the Honorary Academy Award winner did face the wrath of his angry fans.
“I did apologize,” he tweeted back to a follower who accused him of acting like that Tweet didn’t exist.
“But again, a second later I realized what an offensive thing I’d done. Deep bow. My tweet was highly inappropriate.”
I’m sure you’re sitting there thinking: “Well, what was it?!?! What word did he use? Did he tweet random Spanish-sounding words?? How bad was it?” G’head and throw on your best lace collar and dress your dog/cat up as Bailiff Byrd, because I’ll let you be the judge:
Okay, so on a scale from Brad Paisley’s Accidental Racist to Justine Sacco, we’re looking at about a mid-RiRi mosque photoshoot. What I’m saying is, I don’t think Steve Martin was being racist, just inappropriate. George Clooney is reading this story about Steve Martin with smug satisfaction and bragging to the gardener at his Italian villa: “See? This is why I’m not on Twitter.”
I feel like all of this could have been avoided if Steve Martin just stuck to the rule that white guys shouldn’t tweet shit about race. It would have really helped him out if Twitter created an algorithm or code where the second he started spelling African-American, it automatically corrected it to: NO! TWEET SOMETHING ELSE! There, problem solved. Where can I collect my Nobel Prize?
“Isn’t your dad the one who’s snoring and drooling into his program in the tenth row?” is the question that a senior will ask Steve Martin’s kid in 18 years at their high school graduation. But Steve Martin’s kid will get to shoot back with, “Was your parent in House Sitter? Yeah, I thought not, so shut the fuck up!” Steve Martin’s kid will get to say that unless the other senior is Dana Delany’s kid. If that’s the case, Steve Martin’s kid will have to get another line.
Steve Martin is proving that you’re never too old to wash away the baby diarrhea from your hands in the laundry room sink after changing your newborn’s diaper. Page Six says that Steve Martin and his wife Anne Stringfield, who is Southern California’s premiere Liz Lemon impersonator, are new parents to a baby born in L.A. two months ago. Steve is 67 and Anne is 41. A source type says that they are really private and they’ve been trying to keep the news a secret:
“They’ve had a baby, and how they kept it a secret nobody knows. Steve’s very private. They are thrilled. They worked hard to have the baby.”
I already hear some of you screaming about how Steve Martin and his kid will be fighting over the last Pedialyte in a year, but I applaud this. This is Steve Martin’s first kid, which means he doesn’t have grandkids, which means that up until a couple of months ago he didn’t have a kid to yell at and boss around. Nothing makes me sadder than thinking about an old bitch who doesn’t have a kid around to scream and wave a wooden spoon at.
So congrats to Steve Martin for ensuring that in the Metamucil phase of his life, he’ll have a little kid to snarl at.
I never thought I’d ever type this but, Steve Martin: I so would. Hell, I’d even print out Steve Martin’s Tweet, roll it up and hit that.
via The Daily What (Thanks, Josie)